Four Tips for Being the Woman Men Want

Kris Vallotton

Dating, Marriage

A few weeks ago I shared 4 Tips for Being the Man Women Want. Some of you asked for tips from the other side of the coin – what do men look for in a woman? You asked, and I listened. I surveyed some men and asked what stands out to them in the woman they are looking for, and here’s what they said (once again, even if you’re dating or married, I encourage you to keep reading as these may be a good refresher):


1. Confidence.

This overlaps with what we told the guys, and that’s because confidence in general, is just plain attractive. Men love a woman who knows who she is and has done the hard work in life that grows fruit of self-awareness and self-assurance. Confident women know their value, and they don’t have to overtly prove it to anyone but also don’t try to hide it away. They know what they want and don’t hesitate in being clear with their “yes” and “no” (Matthew 5:37). So ladies; when you stand strong in your identity and spend time getting to know yourself, it empowers the men who are pursuing you to get to know you too.


2. Beauty and Self Love.

Another important thing to look for in a life partner is self-love. Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as [you love] yourself” (Mark 12:31). In other words, the standard with which you love yourself becomes the measure with which you will love others. A woman who loves herself well knows how to get her needs met in a healthy way. It’s also attractive to men when a woman takes time to care for herself, including her body, because they’re visually driven. I want you to hear me here that I’m not saying you have to starve yourself to try and look like a supermodel. Not at all! But taking the time to dress in clothes that make you feel beautiful and expressing your creativity in the way you do your makeup goes a long way. Men love a woman who encompasses beauty in every aspect of life: in the way she treats people with kindness, the way she carries herself with grace, and in the beauty of her spirit.


3. Passion.

The point of dating and marriage is not that you arrive at a destination, but rather that you’re adding to the life you’ve already started to build. Men are looking for a woman who has a purpose in life and isn’t just waiting around for Mr. Right to come along before her life is kickstarted into greatness. What are you building and contributing to? What makes you come alive? Ladies; having hobbies and unique interests speak to the special way you’re created! Lighting up when you talk about your passions is very attractive.


4. Encouragement.

I liked being around Kathy because she believed in me and made me feel comfortable, and I see this as a common need among men. Guys appreciate a woman who encourages them so they feel free to be themselves without feeling judged. Ladies, real men are attracted to women who take an honest interest in them and encourage them along the way. The truth is that most men are pretty insecure in the presence of a strong woman. They need some reassurance that you see something valuable in them and believe in them. It’s really not that hard to make a man feel this way. Just taking a sincere interest in someone and asking the right questions to discover his true passion goes a long way toward breaking down the walls of fear and insecurity. You can be inviting and friendly without being overtly sexy.

Dating Is a Two-Way Street

Bottom line, ladies, is that being powerful and intentional is something you can do regardless of your season! I want to encourage you today to be empowered, whether you’re single or dating, to know that you too play a role in pursuit and dating too. Do you agree with these four attributes? What would you add to the list? And give a shout it in the comments below to someone you know who encompasses these traits!


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12 Responses to “Four Tips for Being the Woman Men Want”

  1. Elsie Bouwman

    At first I found the title appropriate, but then got to thinking that maybe there could be another title? Maybe something more Biblically focused on being a woman? Went to a girl’s club for a year or two at our church downtown Hamilton. They had a scripture as their motto that I still remember at age 59: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but the woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”(Proverbs 31:30) The Amplified Bible expresses verse 10 of the Proverbs 31 Woman: “A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman–who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.”

  2. I too, have a problem with the title. I’ve seen so much lately about how to be the woman that men want. What about being the women that God intends us to be? Shouldn’t that be the main goal? If we can achieve our greatness in Christ, then won’t that be the most appealing thing to men naturally? I’m honestly a bit offended at the idea of “becoming what a man wants.” I agree with the content though, but not for the purpose of pleasing a man. It should be for the purpose of pleasing God and loving myself, first and foremost.

  3. It’s so funny as I couldn’t agree more with the 4 tips you’ve given but can also say these are the most hardest things for me to do… I do try but I literally struggle with all 4. Help me Jesus 🙈

  4. Dalene

    I think if a women puts God first and foremost in her life she will have all the attributes that Kris is
    talking about, it will come naturally. A virtuous woman will have all the qualities. I do believe that
    is where Kris is coming from when he refers to the 4 tips being the woman men want, if a woman
    does not love herself first then how can she possibly love another.

  5. Donna Cappon

    Kris, I am a grandmother of 10 and currently preparing an event to teach my 13 and 14 grand daughters the power of their God given worth and identity as well as understanding their influence over young men and how to dress in a manor the reflects them as the kings dayghters. This article is fabulous and so helpful for what I want to share with them! Love it❣️

  6. Stacey

    I appreciate this, although I did have to get thru my initial reaction to the title. While I know your heart is for us, there’s so much rhetoric that tells us we have to be x, y, and z because men want us to. Maybe saying something about the kind of woman that a man needs?
    Anyway. I especially like the part about encouragement. Growing up, my dad didn’t have a grid for respecting what my mom, sisters and I said. It didn’t occur to me that I could encourage a man until I was in my 20s, dating a guy named Stephen. I often used jokes and banter that were kinda harsh. I said to him one day, “You are incorrigible!” He said, “I’m also encourage-able. Maybe try encouraging me sometimes?” Changed my life. 🙂

  7. Kristie

    Great advice! I’m married—was single until I was 33 met my incredible husband. My husband works for a large company and is a leader and believer working alongside some powerful men and women. I take an active interest in his work, I help him and we collaborate and dream together. I’m his partner in all things—and I find that if anything makes his co-workers raise their eyebrows in curiosity and surprise—it’s the fact that I care about his work. Isn’t that interesting? I guess I didn’t realize how often men feel useful and unseen by their wives. I am shocked at how many women want to take from the proceeds in the name (I suppose) of “letting him provide” but they don’t play as a team. When I ask these women (wives of male co-workers) what their husband does, they laugh and say “I don’t know…something that lets me go to the spa tomorrow.” It’s so sad. I think this all falls into encouragement—but it’s so important to be your husband’s greatest team member. BE interested. Learn all you can about his work and he yours so you can be his cheerleader and partner.

  8. Autumn

    YES! Finally someone who speaks the truth! Only Jesus was perfect, earthly men are earthly and while they may be Christians, you can’t walk around in a sack cloth with nasty hair and oily skin and expect to be wanted! Women need to be strong, confident and not afraid to be women!!! Love this article, and I for one LOVE make up, and I wear it all the time. I use it to add beauty to what God gave me.

    We live on earth, not some ethereal make believe place.

  9. In response to the comments of the title, the title is what made me click this article to read. I suspect the title is a reflection of questions received from women struggling with loneliness or single women wondering what they need to do to find a husband. I’ve been with my husband since I was 17, we dated for 4 years and have now been married 14. If there’s anything I can say to being a woman her man wants it’s not about changing yourself to become someone different. It’s about #1, knowing who YOU are in Christ, knowing yourself (confidence and passion) and continuing to grow in your relationship with the Lord and pursuing the life he gave you. He created you with a plan and a purpose and knowing your beauty in his eyes WILL reflect through you no matter your perceived looks or body type. And then #2, dying to yourself to love sacrificially. That doesn’t mean being a slave it means putting his needs and desires above your own. Cheer him on (authentically), men will ALWAYS come back to the place where they find the most honor. Our world tells us to focus on ourselves but when we focus on others and truly live for them, well who wouldn’t be attracted to that??

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