7 Signs of an Unhealthy Soul Tie

Kris Vallotton

Healing & Restoration, Identity


Sex is a tridimensional experience: spirit, soul, and body. Anytime you have sex with a person you bond with them. Dr. Daniel Amen writes in his book, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Limbic bonding is the reason casual sex doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level. Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level that they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not. One person, often the woman, is bound to form an attachment and will be hurt when a casual affair ends. One reason it is usually the woman who is hurt most is that the female limbic system is larger than the male’s.”

This is what we call soul ties. Sex is like gluing two pieces of wood together and the next day ripping them apart. Of course, wood from the opposite board remains on each board. A piece of your sex partner (the good, bad, and ugly) stays with you (and vice versa) for the rest of your life. You can only imagine what it looks like when you bond with multiple partners.

Unhealthy soul ties are often the ramifications of having partners that you create a life-long bond with through a sexual encounter(s), but with whom you only have a short-term relationship with. The bond (soul tie) remains long after the relationship is over, leaving both sexual partners longing for wholeness.



1. People are misinformed and therefore convinced that sex is strictly a single-dimensional, physical act with no emotional or spiritual connections. Yet after sex they find themselves mysteriously longing for the person they may not even like.

2. A person (usually the woman) gives him or herself sexually to someone expecting that the intensely intimate act of intercourse would create a bond that would lead to deeper levels of commitment in their relationship. But soon she discovers that her sexual partner was taking advantage of her need for intimacy and used her vulnerability to get laid. Of course, this leads to a person being emotionally and spiritually bonded to somebody that they deeply resent!

3. Two people commit to marriage and therefore surmise that the covenant vows are only a formality. So they live together and enjoy a sexual relationship outside of a life-long commitment. But later they decide (for whatever reason) that they don’t want to live in a covenant relationship and eventually break up. They usually don’t realize how deeply they have wounded each other as their souls are ripped apart, tearing the very fabric of their being in the separation.

I understand that there are hundreds of other reasons why unhealthy soul ties take place, but I am simply trying to give you a few examples.



1. You are in a physically, and/or emotionally, and/or spiritually abusive relationship, but you “feel” so attached to them that you refuse to cut off the connection and set boundaries with them.

2. You have left a relationship (maybe long ago), but you think about the other person obsessively (you can’t get them out of your mind).

3. Whenever you do anything – make a decision, have a conversation with someone etc., you “feel” like this person is with you or watching you.

4. When you have sex with someone else (hopefully your husband or wife), you can hardly keep yourself from visualizing the person you have a soul tie with.

5. You take on the negative traits of the person that your soul is tied to and carry their offenses whether or not you actually agree with them.

6. You defend your right to stay in a relationship with the person that your soul is tied to, even though it is negatively effecting or even destroying the important relationships in your life (husband, wife, kids, leaders, etc.)

7. You have simultaneous experiences and/or “moods” as the person your soul is tied to. This can even include sickness, accidents, addictions etc.

1 Corinthians 6:15 – Do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.”



There is hope if you find yourself in an unhealthy soul tie. You can never fall so far that you can’t be restoredNew life is available to you by simply repenting and asking Jesus to forgive you. Forgiveness restores the standard in our lives, and you can live in freedom and hope again.

Originally published on krisvallotton.com.



26 Responses to “7 Signs of an Unhealthy Soul Tie”

    • I hope you find a fellowship that you can get involved in
      )to seek for assistance to have you to cope with this situation. You only can allow God to make you better. In life we do not understand everything. But God promises us that “all things work together for the good that loves Him.” Be encouraged and keep your peace, faith, and love for yourself and others. Sometimes we do not understand, but it is better to forgive her and for you to keep your peace then holding on to the thought of being married. If she left then allow her to, maybe you will have a chance to ask her why she left. But until then, do your best to keep you healthy and the other relationships in your life healthy.

  1. I’ve been divorced from my wife for two years now an I can’t seem to move on with the person I’m now dating. It’s like I can’t let go. She just walked out on our marriage. She’s done this to two different marriages previous too ours. I feel so jaded an so still attached and she’s moved on without remorse an said Christ has opened another door for her to walk through. I just don’t get it. Please someone reply an help me !

    • Hello Chris,
      Remember, you can’t make someone love you! She has moved on with her life, therefore you must ask God what to do with yours. You are currently in a relationship, but are unable to give her the one thing she deserves (YOU)! If you are still drawn to your wife; it is time that you be alone for a while, and wait for God to give you some peace, and direction. So many times we fill hurt with other things that God does not intend for us, and when we make a bigger mess of things we wonder if God has forgotten us. You should give yourself some time before jumping into another relationship. If you have not gone through deliverance; I would strongly advise you do so before entering into another relationship. Always remember Jesus loves you!

  2. This really answered questions I’ve had concerning a soul tie in my life that must be broken, over 10 years We’ve longed for each other.. but married to someone else (long story) it’s torture and I know God is not pleased and will deliver and it’s wearing me down..but God is able!

  3. Anonymous

    I have been broken up with my high school ex for about 4 years now (lost virginities to each other), and am happily married to a very godly man for 2 years. I have gotten so much prayer and sozo-type things for my past relationship with my ex, but am still feeling very “haunted” for lack of better terms by him. You described it very well in your article, Kris! I am exhausted by it. I could be seriously wrong, but can’t seem to find anything left that needs to repented of, or prayed through, or items to be given away, or things to declare. Its been 4 years! Where I am at this point is wondering (both my husband and I are wondering) if I need to just face any fears and ask my ex to a casual coffee or lunch (with my husband present at the beginning and in the area) so that I can NORMALIZE his existence. I’m getting mixed up in all these head games. What would your take on this be?

  4. Sissy Foster

    This has opened my eyes to Soul Ties. I have been ministering to my daughter and other young woman about this. I experienced this and was delivered because I rebuked, repented and reclaimed my body and soul through Jesus. Jesus can and will deliver you from anything and everything!????

  5. Anonymous

    I’m so stuck in this soul tie. It’s so bad that a big part of me wants to get rid of it, and I know the steps, but I can’t get myself to take them. I can’t help but wonder if this tie is so strong for some other reason. But truth is I don’t want to be with him, I just don’t want to lose him AND FOR NO GOOD REASON. He isn’t good for me, I’m taking on some of his negative attributes (just like you said) and I can feel his pain and frustration throughout every day. What is wrong with me?!?! How do I “want” to break this tie?

    • I’m going through the exact same thing. I know I need to be free of him, but I long for him even though I know he is no good for me. I have repented and asked for forgiveness but it seems like it is not working. I know this bond needs to be broken. How can I break it?

      • Lost soul

        I am in tears reading this. I just got out of a long relationship with someone and it was not healthy. I spoke with a friend about the pain that I have been feeling. She asked if I had sex with him, I told her yes. She said…this explains everything. What I know now is that a man does not deserve my soul or my heart unless he has gone through God to get it! I am now healing from the the loss, and the pain of this relationship while he has moved on with someone else. Reading this really has given me conformation that I am doing the right thing. I do not want to be sexually active with another man until I am married. The pain is just not worth it. I am still hurting. But, each day it gets better. And I get even more close to God. Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Psalm 62:1

  6. Tiffany

    Lord….how do I break a soul tie with someone I have children with? (We’ve never dated..just 9 years of friendship then this person changed for the worst) became degrading, hurtful mentally and Emotionally, his presence alone drains my soul..but every now n then we still are intimate….I NEED this attachment severed at all costs….. For my sanity…. For my life!

  7. God bless you Kris. I’ve had multiple relationships that has really severed my soul. I get depressed a lot of times and every time I feel I have no strength or passion to do anything. It’s like my soul has been taken from me.
    What do I do to overcome these battles?

  8. God has Grace over everything, Jesus Christ is the way…..He is the answer above all….Keep connected with the word all things will be restored in His name

    • Moral Revolution

      Hey Brianna,
      Yes, it’s possible to have a soul tie to a good friend. It can be healthy. Sometimes there are people you just connect with deeply, a biblical example would be David and Jonathan. It crosses the line into an unhealthy soul tie when your relationship becomes codependent. Hope that helps!

  9. Latonia

    I ran across the term soul ties from a social media post so I Googled and found this article. I now know exactly what’s been wrong with me for years. I’ve allowed men to use me because I was so desperate for love tieing myself to them. The guy I’m currently seeing I’ve known for 8 months and we finally slept together 2 weeks ago. Since that’s happened I’ve been acting like a crazy person. Obsessing over calls and texts that go unanswered or no response to. Making up stories trying to get his attention. When before i took things as they came and never stressed over him or over us for that matter. I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what in the world is happening. This is the answer! I promised myself that I wouldn’t give of myself again until marriage and I did it again. I’ve been a mess and literally feel like crying at the drop of a hat. Now we are on the outs because my temper got the best of me. What do I do now…

    • Moral Revolution

      Hey Latonia,
      We’re sorry to hear you’ve had a rough couple of weeks, but we’re glad this post could offer some help. It would probably be a good idea to bring some other people you trust, maybe church leaders or people who have a healthy marriage, into your journey to give you more insight. It might be a good idea to take a break from dating for a while until you get some of those things healed that you mentioned. There’s a reason you’re feeling “desperate for love.” That’s a need in you that needs to be met by God and by healthy community around you before it can truly be met in a relationship. If you’re starving for love, then of course you’re going to be driving yourself crazy when you think you might lose someone who’s giving you love. Make sure you go to God with that need and it’s always a good idea to bring others into your journey who can see things you can’t. Hope this helps!

  10. Zanae'

    Thanks for sharing. I know quite a bit about Soul Ties so you’ve think I would’ve learned my lesson by now. I got involved too soon, too quick with someone I barely know. Big mistake there. But I found out by his behavior and what he’s told me about his past. He’s recently divorced and separated from his child and just moved out here to California. His behavior shows that he’s emotionally unavailable mostly likely due to his life changing events. We were intimate. Second mistake. He pushes me away and then pulls me back in. He has now pushed me away again by not communicating at all. I’m sharing this to say that I’m feeling the effects of the Soul Ties right now. I have took on his insecurities, hurt, pain, doubts, guarded behavior, confusion, indecisiveness, emotional wall build up and I can go on and on. Everything that he is dealing with internally has transferred to me through sex. I’m guarded now, I’m insecure, I’m confused, I’m indecisive, I’m hurt and not willing to give anyone else a chance with me relationally. Sounds like him, right? I’ve beat myself for the many mistake’s I’ve made. Thrown myself “pity parties” back to back. I’ve asked God to forgive me for my sins. And now, I have to let go and let God rebuild and repair my heart and spirit. Soul ties are so real. God bless you all!

  11. Dear friends, since you are foreigners and temporary residents [in the world], I’m encouraging you to keep away from the desires of your corrupt nature; Desires of the flesh. These desires constantly attack you. 1 Peter 2:11

    Soul ties are real. The bible urges us to abstain from unlawful intimacy which causes a war in our souls. A war between repenting, seeking the Lord and breaking the soul ties or continuing in the sin that reinforces the soul tie.

    I have been there and I know it. If you have fallen, rise up, wipe off your dirt and keep on keeping on!! If you give up, the enemy rejoices and uses you until you are destroyed. God loves you and longs you to repent and he will restore you.

    Jeremiah 15:17
    For you repent, I’ll restore you that you may serve me

  12. Dustin

    I’m in a sexual relationship with a girl, I really like her and she, me but I know we should be married and I feel its opening me up to bad mojo. I need God to change my heart because I don’t want to stop bad enough to tell her I want to stop and wait. Thank you for prayers.

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