“You’re kind of quiet. I wouldn’t say you’re a very loud or outgoing person. Maybe that’s it.” I had accidentally walked into some unsolicited advice as to why I might still be single. After watching a myriad of my friends walk down the aisle before the age of twenty-three, I started to think I was missing something as well. There had to be some reason, something that I could fix and then men would just start lining up to ask me on dates. If I could just figure out what it was…
I started to do some research. Anytime I met someone married or in a relationship, I would ask questions. “How did you meet? Did you like each other right away? Were you dating a lot of people at the time?” I started collecting stories, waiting to find that thing that each person had to arrive at before they could cross the line into being marriage material.
Guess what I found out. Nothing. There was no magical thing. Of course there were some things that helped, but there was no one requirement that all of them met before getting married. Sure, some of them had a lot of things in their life together, but some of them didn’t. Some of my friends had never even been asked out on a date, and then one day someone asked, and then later they married him. Some of my friends had gone on lots of dates, and they were still single. Some of my friends couldn’t flirt to save their lives, and they still ended up married. Some of my friends were so good at flirting, it was actually amazing to watch, but they still didn’t have boyfriends.
The other thing I found out from hanging out with a lot of other singles, is that I wasn’t the only one trying to figure out why I was still unattached. “I think it’s because I’m too short… maybe I’m too curvy. What if I’m just too tall? Maybe it’s where I’m from or because of my past. Is it because I post a lot of pictures of my dog on social media? Maybe it’s because I laugh at my own jokes.“
I tried a lot of things myself. I tried giving up dating for a time on purpose. I also unintentionally gave up dating for a while as a result of no one asking me on a date. I tried talking to a lot of guys. I tried not talking to any of them. I tried not looking, because people told me once I stopped looking I would find someone…
I’ve found a lot of things that haven’t proven to be true, but here’s what I do know is true:
God is not limited by any of the things listed above. He’s not finding it impossible to find someone because I don’t go to enough parties or I’m not loud enough. I’m not going to go down the road of self-criticism hoping that one day I’ll become good enough for someone. I’m not going to change my personality to get married. I’d be cheating myself, and I’d be cheating the person I marry.
The truth is God could find me a spouse tomorrow. He could bring me someone out of nowhere. This is the most beautiful and frustrating thing in the world. I’ve definitely prayed my fair share of prayers about it.
Then there’s my list of single friends. What about them? What about all the ones who have waited and prayed and fasted and waited and prayed? I’ve prayed for them, talked to them, bought them ice cream and dried their tears, but I’ll be honest, I don’t have a good answer for them. I don’t know why God hasn’t brought them a spouse yet.
I do know that some people pray and don’t get healed, but it doesn’t mean God’s not the Healer (Exodus 15:26b).
I do know people following God who lose jobs or lose money, but it doesn’t mean God’s not the Provider (Genesis 22:14).
We can’t decide Who He is based on our circumstances. We have to decide who He is based on what He says about Himself in His Word. The Word says He’s the Lifter of our heads (Psalm 3:3). The Word says He withholds no good thing from us (Psalm 84:11). The Word says if we delight ourselves in Him, He’ll give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).
So I’m going to venture to say, if you’re single, maybe it’s not because you’re broken. I mean it could be, but maybe it’s not. If you’re single, maybe it’s not because you haven’t embraced your life enough. What if, just maybe, it’s not because you’re doing anything wrong?
“We have to decide Who He is based on what He says about Himself in His Word.”
It might be timing or circumstances or something else, but regardless, this is where faith comes in. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Faith isn’t when you have the perfect boyfriend or a line of great guys who want to buy you dinner. Faith is when you’ve been a bridesmaid thirteen times, you haven’t been asked out on a date in five years, the only one texting you is your mom, but you refuse to give up.
Faith isn’t when the woman of your dreams just said yes when you asked to marry her, and all the things you’ve desired are finally becoming reality. Faith is when your fiancé just broke off your engagement and you have to pick up the pieces of your life and start to build again. That’s when you need faith. That’s when you need the substance of things you’ve been hoping for for years, and the evidence to support the promises of God you can’t yet see.
So if you’re wondering why you’re still single, I don’t actually have an answer for you. All I know is, God offers peace without understanding. God offers comfort and strength in the middle of the struggle and the journey, not just at the end. God offers hope that the things that look out of reach, are actually more possible than we think.
-Andrea AllOM
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This is the most beautiful, simple, and reassuring article I’ve ever read about dating. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this!
Yippee…glad to see that I am not the only one who has tried to figure it out and failed?… definitely learning to walk by faith in EVERY area of my life…trusting that the very best of what and WHO is to come …(bring him on, Lord…lol???) …love the article, thanks for sharing!!
Andrea, thank you so much for writing this. This is the purest and most authentic post I think I’ve ever read on singleness and brought me so much peace and hope.
Thank you so much for this beautiful article ! So encouraging and hopeful!
Best article I’ve read in a long long time!!
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been thinking along these lines, but to read someone else’s thoughts about it really encouraged me. And somehow it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one with this experience ?I was so encouraged to keep on believing that He is a good Father who wants what’s best for me, and knows all the whens, hows and whys.
This is a great article for encouraging hope; however, it assumes the point of being single is to eventually be paired with your spouse. Now, I am single, and I do want to be married, but God still uses me and provides opportunities for me to grow where I’m at. He expects me to focus on Him, giving Him my “undivided devotion” (I Cor. 7:35).
Being single is not some condition or disease that needs to be healed. It is simply the life situation that any Christian brother or sister might find themself in. Rather than encouraging single people to think that they’re broken or somehow not complete without a mate by encouraging them to hold out hope for their future spouse, encourage them in their faith. Encourage them to use their singleness to undistractedly approach God and explore the purposes that He has for their life. Perhaps He means for them to be a loving spouse and parent, but perhaps He doesn’t mean for them to do that just yet. By pining for the person that they can’t yet love, they may be missing hundreds of opportunities to love the people right in front of them.
Here here! I think we can celebrate our singleness! Enjoy the season that you’re in no matter how long or short it is. Singleness has so many great pros… Freedom to travel, more time for friends, the ability to be generous with your money! Love it! Live it! See it in a positive light with lots of great opportunities. Getting married is society’s general expectation, Gods expectation is that we love Him and serve Him! And that can look like a lot of different things for different individuals!
Agreed.The narrative of “when you get married” sets up the expectation that it will happen, for everyone, one day.
What if we shifted it to “if you get married”?
Being single or in a couple are equally blessed ways that God uses people to His glory.
Like you already wrote, our circumstances don’t dictate God’s character. He is. Because He is.
And I am because of who I am in Him.
Thank-you so much for such a wonderful, Scripture based article. I feel the exact same way as you but I was never able to put it into Scriptural context! I like to call it ‘the solo life’ and I LOVE it! I am so pumped for Jesus’ timing for my future partner, but for now I am focused on and adoring my partnership with Jesus and am so excited for my right now! :DYou have a great talent in writing by the way, and thank-you once again for sharing. 🙂
What a beautifully written article with so much truth! Having been single for many years, being told that I wasn’t putting myself out there enough, wondering if I was even capable of that kind of relationship… I can relate to everything you said. And then, by no effort of my own, God put a loving man in my life and gave me courage to walk it out. It wasn’t according to my timeline but I really believe God spent that single time helping us grow in Him and become ready for each other. We are almost at our 5 year anniversary. He is faithful!
wow this was really awesome. i’m 24 and recently came back to college. it seems like everywhere i look all my friends my age are getting married, and even a lot of these younger kids at school are too. that or they are off going crazy at parties, not even worried about lasting relationships.. i’ve felt these same tensions too. do i take time off? do i just need to focus more on growing? am i doing something wrong? do i talk too much? am i too flirty? and it’s funny because i was about to try to take another period of “time off” to hopefully “fix things”. but this made me realize that maybe there’s nothing to fix… maybe my focus is better off on the truth that Jesus loves me and accepts me for who i am right now. this was a really cool read and was comforting to find that there’s others who relate.
Very well written article. I was in that same boat. It is so frustrating!!! Singleness is not a condition, there is not thing wrong with you because you’re single (although you are often made to feel that way). I know my friends and family love me, but at every get-together, the subject of my singleness came up. It was as if I had a chronic illness and they wanted to know “how I was doing/coping” with it. There is no formula for meeting you spouse. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 36 years old. Here’s the thing….I don’t feel any different than I did when I was single. Meeting him didn’t magically change me personally. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and he is an amazing addition to my life, but being married didn’t “complete” me or change the core of my being. That is something only God can do. It just proved to me, that I wasn’t broken and there was nothing “wrong” with me. Please, if you are single, don’t believe the enemy’s attacks that you are not good enough, or that there is something wrong with you. He wants to cripple you and sideline you for the work that God has for you. The feelings of inadequacy and being “less than” are not for you. You are God-made, God-loved and right where He wants you to be.
This blog was amazing!(auhmazing..lol) I love your transparency and, honesty.
God bless.
Loraine.
Wow, this is one of the most honest, concise, well-written, and Biblically sound articles on singleness I’ve read in a very long time. Such a breath of fresh air. Thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom on this subject. It is something so many of us struggle with and it’s important to talk about it and encourage each other. I have spent a very long time being single with no dating and recently started to date someone that I knew wasn’t right for me, but fell into that trap that it’s better than being alone. Turns out heartbreak is much worse than being alone. The Lord is slowly restoring my heart and I’m doing my best to enjoy Jesus everyday and cling tightly to His word that says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”I figure, he knows the true desires of our hearts, some things we probably don’t even know would be wonderfully fulfilling, He knows what those things are and He will lead us to them in His perfect timing. Trusting and holding onto faith can be so hard when things don’t seem to be going the way you planned. But God’s plan is always better. Be obedient to His leading and let Him do the rest!
I agree with some of what you said, that there is no magic formula. However, I disagree that one should never consider changing some things about themselves that might make them more appealing. After all, dont we go to school to make ourselves more appealing on the career field? So why wouldnt we consider some self improvement concerning dating? For instance, if one is really overweight and out of shape, surely they must realize that the opposite sex might not find that very appealing. Plus, its entirely controllable by a lifestyle change.
Or in my case, over the years, Ive seen my personality drive people away. I can be abrasive, my dry, sarcastic humour can be taken the wrong way. So it would behoove me to examine myself, consider my track record of pushing away women who one doted on me and loved me, then ended up hating me. Thus, sometimes the problem IS US. I know in my case, I have been the cause of every break up in my life. I initiated it, I drove it, I ended it. Consequently, instead of remaining friends with my exes, as is common with others, my exes end up hating me, and refusing to communicate with me anymore. So, obviously, the problem hs been ME. Not bad luck. Not the devil. Not God ‘protecting’ me. No, it was just me being foolish, careless, hurtful, or just plain stupid.
Sometimes, the real enemy is ourselves.
One up, Kurt. You nailed it. Sometimes we do have to change to welcome and tend a functional relationship.
Thank you, Kurt, for sharing your testimony with us.I more than agree with you. We should also pray and allow God to change our hearts!! God wants us to grow and get closer to Him 🙂
God bless you for this Andrea. I am 37 years and not married yet. I have wondered and wondered why. Guys are asking me out but for some unknown reason, I have not been able to form a connection with any. It’s baffling. I feel guilt and shame sometimes. Especially as my younger sisters are all settled. I am grateful for this timely message
Amazing, thanks for this beautiful post and your vulnerability.Helps me alot
Very well said. Thanks for posting. This is an important word for so many people struggling with this issue. Appreciate who you are and the words that bring health and healing, Andrea.
Really awesome and encouraging. Sending all my friends a link. Thank you Andrea. High 5
This was a very well written article. Second favorite only to this one I also read:http://blogs.davelozinski.com/general/why-are-you-single
You have a great way with words. Keep up the good writing and inspiration!
Really Enjoyed..! Thank You So Much
Such a beautiful and hopeful article. TODAY, I needed this. Thank you!
Well that is because many of us use our brains.
I cried reading this. Thank you faith is what I need.
Wow, great article, Andrea! It brought back memories from 30 years ago when I was last single. Just for fun, here is what worked for me: I asked God to pick out a wife for me. I knew He would pick a good one and He did. After that I quit asking for a wife and started praying for her every day. I knew she was living on earth somewhere and needed my prayers. I also prayed that God would remove any hindrances that kept us apart. Occasionally that led to specific changes in me and declarations of God’s Word over her. This all lasted about one year. (I was 30 years old.) When I met her we both knew we would marry after one week of seeing each other every day. Got married 4 months later.Your article brought back memories! Thanks.
Lucky you.
Well first of all which it really does take two too tango nowadays since it is very unfortunate that this is a very completely different time now which in the past it definitely would’ve been much easier finding real true love back then the way that our family members had it. It is the women of today that have really changed making it very difficult for many of us good innocent men looking for a very serious relationship now since so many women only want the very best of all and will never settle for less unfortunately. So many women now are so very greedy, selfish, and very spoiled as well since it is all about money for them and will only want the very rich type of a man anyway which there lies the whole problem why there why so many of us men are still single today.
Hey Paul,We would challenge you to ask the Lord for some things you could do to be powerful in your singleness because it sounds like you may be feeling kind of powerless in this area. We understand that it can feel tough sometimes navigating dating and singleness, but it’s unfair to blame women for your circumstances. There are a lot of women out there who love the Lord and are looking for a man who does the same, no matter what’s in his bank account. We pray that you get to meet more of them soon 🙂
To Moral Revolution, It is really the women of today that have really changed from the past making it very extremely difficult for many of us good innocent men really looking for love since there is no reason at all to blame ourselves which i am very sure that there are many other men that will agree with me as well. Even though i did mentioned this already with my last comment. It is a very sad time for many of us men since lets face it which it was certainly a lot easier back in the old days finding love since it definitely was a very completely different time as well which i did mentioned this too and i am very sorry to repeat myself. But it was just too very bad for many of us men that we weren’t born back then which many of us men definitely would’ve been settled down already ourselves with our own good wife and family that many of us unfortunately still don’t have today which makes it very depressing for us to be still single and alone today. Many of us men are certainly not single by choice as you can see since so many other millions and millions of other men and women out there now were very blessed with the gift of life that many of us would’ve wanted too. Now you have all of these reality TV shows as well as social media that has made it worse since so many of these women today have been Corrupted by this already which is a real shame since so many women nowadays just don’t even have respect for us men anymore these days especially if we try to start a normal conversation with the woman that will attract us. Times have sure changed today unfortunately from the good old days. Well thank you very much for your support. Peace.
Brother what are you talking about? Good ol days … Like “Mayberry” from the Andy Griffen show. This article is on point and can witness to many aspects of the message as a man of God.
Brother we live here, today, now (as in now). We choose to perceive our circumstances in one of two ways: lie or truth.
This article identifies both, so choose which to believe.
Just saying ..
Zee, What i am talking about since i made this comment back in the end of may is that it is the women of today that have really Changed and Not Most of us men at all. What makes you believe that these women today are very innocent? Most women really Don’t have any Respect for many of us Good Men at all when we will try to start a Conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet since their Personality really needs improvement since they really Don’t Know how to talk to us men at all nowadays which is a real shame unfortunately. Unfortunately i had women for No Reason at all that Cursed at me when all i said to these women was Good Morning and how is your day going which was a very bad mistake for me. And i know friends that had the very same thing happened to them since they told me about it even before it happened to me which really Shocked me when i told them that it happened to me too. So as you can see there are a lot of women that have real Mental Problems today since many of us good men keeping meeting the Wrong Ones all the time. This is a very Excellent Reason why many of us men are still Single today as well since we really Can’t Blame ourselves at all for the very Behavior Problems that many of these women have today which even God unfortunately has no control over them these days either. And i wonder what God will say about this which i am very sure that he Won’t be happy about this at all too. Peace.
Hey you know something, I forgot to mention that many women like sleeping around with different men all the time since they like to party all the time which it will be very difficult for these women to Commit to just only one man now unfortunately. I have dated a lot of women and they actually told me that they rather date different men all the time instead of being with the same one every time. Well gee wiz, That certainly does make it very hard for many of us men to meet that special woman that would just Commit to just us. Right? Right. Just remember that we live in a totally different time today unfortunately which in the past finding love was very easy.
I read this article every couple months or so. It’s very encouraging and keeps me focused on what really matters.Thanks!
Hi.I will just come out and say it….seems like no one want to say it, so hear it is…..maybe the people that are still single is single base on the system that involves the law of attraction. Maybe you are not pretty or attractive. Simple as that. And that is the reason why you are single. Not rich or not pretty.
Thank you so much for writing this!!! I’ve really been struggling with this and this just bought some hope to me ❤️
Protip:
Hardship is something God uses to bring us closer to him. It’s hard to get things right on the first try. I still struggle, but that feeling of struggling is a sign things are changing for the better.