We can often feel the most intimidated by things we don’t understand. The fear of the unknown can lead us down paths of thinking that cause us to over-emphasize the worst-case scenarios while losing hope that good is possible. Pornography and sexual addiction in general actually falls into this category for most. It is hard to understand something that is so damaging and yet those who find themselves in the cycle of it see no way out. To be able to see the destruction that a habit is causing and yet still continue making those decisions is the paradox of addiction.
As it specifically relates to pornography and lust our general understanding can seem limited. Psychologists generally agree that we are largely unaware of the exact effects due to there not being a large enough population, who have never looked at it, to serve as a control group. Yet we are very aware of the impact of pornography and lust. There is data that points to it causing to ED, relational depth issues, breaking down the self-control mechanism in the brain and divorce is 300 times more likely when porn is in the marriage, just to name a few. So how can we see so many destructive results to something that we have yet to truly find an answer for? I propose that we have lost hope and forced ourselves to accept it as a normal part of life. This loss of hope and acceptance can cause us to cease the pursuit of solutions. Even in many Christian circles the attitude towards porn is, “Well it’s here to stay let’s learn how to manage it.” God did not design us to simply manage.
As you seek to find total freedom from lust and perhaps porn I would like to give some tips that could be helpful based on my personal research, life coaching and pastoring experience. To be upfront, I am not a counselor and I have never been addicted to it myself. There was a time when I felt that disqualified me from teaching on it but I could never shake my passion on this topic. I have come to realize that by never being addicted to porn I have an outside perspective that isn’t charged with shame and is filled with hope for those who seek freedom. Let’s take a moment and focus on just one aspect of your sexuality, your introduction to it.
Take time to really evaluate your introduction to sex and the series of exposures that followed. The statistics indicate that youth find porn between eight and eleven years old. I find this age range to be largely accurate for anyone in the past 30 years. These earliest and most frequent exposures have played a significant role in the sexualization of our generation. Consider what is going in the development of children’s brains.
Youth Brain Development
Synapsis are being created
“A Synapse is a junction between two nerve cells, consisting of a minute gap across which impulses pass by diffusion of a neurotransmitter.” – Oxford Dictionary. So, what does that actually mean? Essentially as a child your brain was making connections based on experience. These connections created networks of beliefs, habits and actions there were built on the foundation of your experiences. The more often you repeated an experience the stronger the connections become and the easier that action becomes to repeat, eventually becoming “2nd nature.” The less frequently we repeat actions or experiences the weaker the connections become until ultimately, we “forget” how to do certain things or forget experiences. To make it super simple, the more often you mentally recall an experience the stronger that experience is and the less often you recall or act on an experience the weaker it becomes. As a child, you were creating habits and building these connections at a faster and stronger rate than at any other point in your life. So, the earlier and more frequently you experience things like, porn, abuse and sexuality the more apart of you they feel. It can actually feel like, “I have always felt this, or been this way,” which is a partial truth. The reality is that many in our generation have experienced such significant sexualization at very early ages that we don’t remember a time when we didn’t have these feelings or drive.
Mental Pathways being started
As these connections were being created your neurotransmitters were firing on all levels. “A neurotransmitter is A chemical substance which is released at the end of a nerve fibre by the arrival of a nerve impulse and, by diffusing across the synapse or junction, effects the transfer of the impulse to another nerve fibre, a muscle fibre, or some other structure.” – Oxford Dictionary. Essentially, it’s what tells your brain, “this felt good, let’s do it again.” When you experience things, you enjoy, your brain makes a connection, your neurotransmitters release the chemicals dopamine and serotonin into your brain creating a mental pathway that forges a path for habitual behavior. The more you do it the more defined the path becomes and the less effort it takes to move down that pathway. As the habit is being formed you are simultaneously creating a dependency on this action for, enjoyment, eventually growing to the point that it feels like you can’t experience enjoyment without it. As it is strengthening it is also becoming increasingly harder to erase. An example of this is when someone who is addicted to pornography finds little to no fulfillment in real sexual experiences. It helps us understand why ED can be a result of porn addiction because the earliest and most frequent experiences were outside of the context of covenant and marriage. It is incredibly challenging for someone who has mostly experienced sexuality through porn or in non-covenant relationships to flip a switch and now turn on their commitment button.
Stop and process this information for a moment. No wonder the men in our generation feel like they are sex monsters with a sex drive they can’t control. Their sexuality was awakened years before it was meant to be. Even if it wasn’t through actual porn just images, movies and media that depict sex have built your narrative.
Can you imagine the impact that porn and sexual messaging is having on the developing brains of our young boys and girls? With 90% of kids looking at porn by the time they are 18, we haven’t even been given the opportunity to develop our minds properly. This early exposure then begins to be woven through every aspect of our lives. As porn and lust fully mature in our lives it impacts how we interact with people, how we see ourselves and God, in ways we are completely unaware of.
So, take some time right now and pause. Think back to when you were first exposed to sexuality through a video, advertisement, movie or even an interaction with a person. And answer these questions.
1. How did my first and earliest encounters make me feel?
2. What did they communicate to me about sex?
3. Can I see a connection with my early experience and the habits that I developed?
4. Is it possible that this encounter impacted my sexual appetite or identity?
5. What have the long term effects of those early encounters been?
6. Now take it to the Lord, ask Him to miraculously heal the results of being sexualized so early. It’s also important that you see yourself as the child who found it. See yourself as the age that you were when it was discovered by you. Remove the shame you feel currently as you realize that it was a child who was lied to and ask God to heal the wounds that this child experienced. He will begin to renew your mind as you take this to him. Spend as much time with him as you need to.
On a practical level it is important that you starve these mental connections and replace them with new ones. I recommend you start by watching our podcast titled, “Marriage After Porn and Affairs” this will give you a picture of the impact that porn has in marriage and really exposes the long-term effects of early childhood exposure. Whether you are single or married this podcast gives great insight and exposes the enemies plan. Beginning to proactively fill your mind and spirit with truth will help to rewrite your mental pathways.
Change and freedom are possible! For some it comes quick for most it comes on the other side of a battle but we must remember James 4:7, “Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you.”
Want to learn more? Check out our mini-class Recovering Your Marriage with Gabriel and Debbie Mayes as the unpack how early exposure to porn can affect your marriage and how you can heal!
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