Your dating standards might not be too high. They might just be mislabeled. If you’ve been single longer than you expected and can’t figure out why, the problem might not be the people you’re meeting. It might be that you’ve been treating preferences like non-negotiables, and that filter is keeping you from seeing people who are actually right for you.
What Is the Difference Between a Standard and a Preference?
On the Let’s Talk About It podcast, Daniel and Elles Maddry broke this down simply. A standard is a non-negotiable. It’s something you won’t budge on no matter what. Shared faith, emotional availability, the ability to communicate and resolve conflict, integrity, character. Those are standards. A preference is something that matters to you but has flexibility. Height, style, education level, salary, hobbies. Those are preferences.
The problem is most people treat their preferences like standards. That 110-item list you wrote in middle school? Most of it was preferences dressed up as deal-breakers. And if you’re still filtering people through that list, you’re probably disqualifying men and women who would have been a great match.
How Do You Know If Your Standards Are Actually Too High?
If you’ve been single for a long time and you can’t point to a clear reason why, your standards might actually be too high. Not your real standards (faith, character, emotional health), but the preferences you’ve been treating as requirements.
They shared a story about a friend who warned them before a date that the guy was a “short king.” He was 5’9″. The way she talked about his height, it sounded like a standard. But height is a preference. And when preferences start functioning as standards, they keep good people on the outside of your dating life for reasons that have nothing to do with compatibility.
The question isn’t “should I lower my standards?” It’s “am I being honest about what’s actually a standard and what’s actually a preference?”
What Should Your Actual Standards Be?
Shared Faith
2 Corinthians 6:14 is clear: do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This isn’t a suggestion. It’s a foundation. And if you’re tempted to bend on this because you’re tired of waiting, small compromises in the beginning lead to big problems in the end. Someone being “open to coming to church” is not the same as someone who shares your faith.
Emotional Availability and Communication
Can this person have a hard conversation? Can they apologize? Can they take ownership of their mistakes? These aren’t preferences. These are indicators of character and maturity. The way someone resolves conflict is one of the biggest indicators of whether a relationship will last. If they can’t humble themselves when they’re wrong, that’s not a quirk. It’s a red flag.
Growth Mindset
Nobody arrives fully formed. Someone might not have the degree, the dream job, or the polished life you envisioned. But if they’re growing, if they’re heading in the right direction and have the character to get there, that matters more than where they are right now. Look down the field. Ask, “Who is this person becoming?”
How Do You Recalibrate Your List?
Get alone with God and get honest with yourself. Write it down if you need to. Separate the non-negotiables from the nice-to-haves. And then ask a hard question: have I been disqualifying people because of preferences I’ve been treating like deal-breakers?
This isn’t about settling. It’s about being honest. It’s about recognizing that style can improve, careers can grow, and the intangible connection you’re looking for might be hiding behind a preference filter you didn’t know was on.
One piece of wisdom worth considering: commit to dating someone for at least three months before making a decision. When the stakes feel too high, every date feels like a pass/fail test. Lowering the pressure gives the relationship space to breathe and gives you space to actually get to know someone beyond a checklist.
What If You’ve Done All This and It’s Still Not Happening?
Sometimes the issue isn’t your standards at all. It’s timing. Daniel didn’t get married until he was 33, about thirteen years later than he wanted. Looking back, he’s grateful for every one of those years because the growth he experienced in his single season is now paying off in his marriage. God’s timing isn’t a consolation prize. It’s the best possible outcome, even when it doesn’t feel like it in the waiting.
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Listen to the Full Episode
This post is based on an episode of the Let’s Talk About It podcast by Moral Revolution. Listen to the full conversation:
🎧 Listen on Spotify
🍎 Listen on Apple Podcasts
Related Reading
- Why the Perfect Prince Charming Is Not All He’s Cracked Up to Be
- Why Your “Type” Isn’t Always Good For You
- How Social Media Has Ruined Your Dating Expectations
Frequently Asked Questions
Are my dating standards too high?
Maybe. But the better question is whether you’re confusing preferences with standards. Non-negotiables like shared faith, character, emotional maturity, and communication skills should stay firm. But things like height, career status, style, and education level are preferences, and treating them like deal-breakers will keep good people out of your life. Get honest about what’s actually on your list and whether it belongs there.
Should I lower my standards in dating?
You should not lower your actual standards (faith, integrity, emotional health, character). But you might need to be honest about whether some of the things you’ve labeled as standards are really just preferences. Recalibrating isn’t settling. It’s being wise enough to recognize that the person God has for you might not match the checklist you wrote in middle school, and that’s okay.
How do I know if I have relationship anxiety?
A pattern is the biggest clue. If you consistently get to a certain point in a relationship and emotionally shut down, lose interest, or find reasons to leave, you may be dealing with unresolved relationship anxiety rather than incompatibility. The fix isn’t finding a better match. It’s getting honest with yourself, talking to a therapist, and asking trusted people in your life if they see the same pattern you’re starting to notice.
