QUESTION
I’m a newly-wed. My wife wants to have sex using condoms/pills to prevent pregnancy. I don’t think that is morally right for the same reason I am against abortion. I understand that sex is about intimacy, but it is also about procreation and I don’t think they should be separated. What’s right?
SEX THERAPIST’S ANSWER
I appreciate your tender conscience! This is a huge question that I am not going to be able to do justice to in this forum. There are solid believers who come down on both sides of this issue. One of my professors in graduate school felt very strongly about not using birth control. He felt like it was taking our cue from the culture rather than taking our opinions from God. The church has historically been against using birth control because it interfered with procreation. However, the argument falls down for me because they were OK with natural family planning which is not as effective as birth control to be sure but is still taking steps to interfere with procreation.
But it sounds like your objection to birth control is more on the killing of a life such as with abortion rather than the prevention of conception – those are two very different things. Just like you, I am against any form of birth control that is an abortifacient, that keeps a fertilized egg from implanting, such as an IUD. But there are forms of birth control that prevent conception such as a condom or birth control pill. They either keep an egg from being released/fertilized or they are a barrier to the sperm reaching the egg. There is no fertilization therefore there is no life. It is no different than an egg being released unfertilized with every menstrual cycle. Yes, you are taking steps to interfere in the potential fertilization which is a problem for some, but you are not aborting a life. God can get around a condom and birth control pills, and even a vasectomy. There are children born today where the parents were using all these methods. I do believe that children are a blessing of God. And I also believe that we can seek his guidance about when to have children and how many to have – we partner with him in the process. We need to use wisdom because life is so important and we value children so highly.
Again, there are sincere, committed believers who will strongly disagree with me. So it is important for you to read the arguments and see where you come down in this debate. However, if your objection is based on the abortion of a life with a condom or birth control pill, then that is not the case.
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Can you specify what some of the non-abortifacient birth control pills are?When I researched them I had a hard time finding any that did not have some kind of backup method that would interfere with implantation or something if the primary method failed.
I think everyone could learn a little bit from your own experience.
I really appreciate the honesty and openness of this article, however birth control pills do not always stop an egg from being released, but they do turn the uterus into a hostile environment for implantation, so some (myself included) feel the pill would still be considered to have abortifacient effects. For more info and to make an informed decision read “does the birth control pill cause abortions” by randy Alcorn. Lots of scientific info about how the pill works.
This is a great question posed, and I think it’s extremely important for believers to consider this when entering into marriage. Both my husband and I did not have peace about using birth control, but we have used Natural Family Planning. When seeking the Lord about this, I got a great sense that He wants us to surrender this area of our life to Him… to not try to take “control”! He showed me that I can be using NFP and still not have this area surrendered to Him. I think for people who have reservations about having children and are using different forms of birth control, it is so good to open and honest with the Lord about our desires (i.e. Preventing or delaying pregnancy), and letting Himspeak back, and surrendering to whatever He would tell us. I do believe He loves FRUIT, but He is after our hearts. It is not about right and wrong with Him (aka The Law), but about true Life and intimate relationship.
I agree with Kristi as the Lord showed me the same thing. After my third child, i began to question whether i should go back on the pill. I was growing much closer to the Lord at this time. I was honest with Him about my feelings and my husbands as my husband did not have a relationship with the Lord. I felt the Lord wanted me to surrender this area to Him and trust Him. I felt he would honor oyr requests for prevention unless His will was different for greater good.I told Him then He was going to have to convince my husband to go without birthcontrol. Somehow God did it! My husband somehow did not fight the issue and I was able to share with him that we can be open with God and tell Him our thoughts, feelings and fears regarding more children. Where two or more are in agreement, God is with us. We can also be assured that if He overrides our request to delay or not have any more children it is because He sees something we cant. His ways are higher than ours and there is a plan and a purpose we just cant see in Gods gift and timing for that child. My husband said he didnt want any more children and yet God did give us another daughter. God proved He knew something we did not as her personality is an incredible gift to our family! I can see now that we actually needed her! I look back and think if we would have controlled this our way with just our rational thoughts about it, we would have missed out on incredible grace from God!
Great reply! It’s good to be open minded and understand that people have different views, which you did a wonderful job of! I definitely agree with the whole idea of God being part of the whole process…and just trusting Him and talking to Him and being open to his will and blessings. And I agree about the difference between harmful and non-harmful birth control (regarding abortion or harm to a woman’s body). But I do believe that God created women to have cycles, so that a married couple could enjoy Sex in His own designed “seasons”. Maybe there’s a reason he didn’t make a woman fertile 24/7. Maybe he intends for a couple to enjoy sex during a “fertile window” allowing for potential procreation, and maybe he intends for a couple to not engage in sex during the fertile window as a designed birth control (abstinence). I don’t like the word birth control. Because God is the one who is in control! I don’t know what’s right and wrong in this controversial subject, but God is the one we can lean on, when it comes to topics such as these. I do feel the culture has impacted the way many people view birth control. So I feel, we should be working intentionally to be counter culture if anything….because right now our culture is praising sexual freedom (as in: we can do what we want, with who we want, whenever we want, apart from God and without consequences)–not the true freedom that people need to experience , which can only be found in Christ. Let’s glorify God in all we do, and go to him for everything! So if one feels using birth control doesn’t glorify God…then don’t use it! Trust him instead. No child is an accident. None is a mistake. They are blessings, and God will provide, even if a child comes unexpectingly because of the lack of birth control tools/pills/barriers.