While attempting to navigate through the dating process, I’ve found that I’m not alone in my ignorance of how this process is supposed to go down. Many men need courage and many men just need language and a healthy example to follow. This is the goal, a quick example and some language to help you out when you see a girl you want to get to know better in three steps: The Approach, The Question, and The Follow Through.  

THE APPROACH: YOU GOT THIS.

Take a deep breath. Don’t overthink this. Your entire future does NOT hinge on this moment. You’re just asking her for coffee or dinner to get to know her better. It’s going to be alright. You can do this. You’re a good-looking guy, and you’re going to make her laugh and smile and bring value to her life.

Remember, relationships are about what you can give to the other person, not what you can get from them. If you’re not ready to add value to someone else’s life, then you’re not ready to date. Assuming, you’re ready to give to someone, then go for it and show her a great evening/afternoon. Get out of your head. If she says yes, then you show her how a gentleman should treat a lady. If she says no, you were brave, kicked fear in the face, and broke off passivity. Keep rolling, she just didn’t see you with those eyes.

THE QUESTION: SHORT, SWEET, THEN SILENCE

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve seen “Friends,” I know how it’s supposed to work. You confidently walk up to a woman you think is attractive and would like to know better and then drop the Joey Tribbiani line: “How you doin’?”

I’m joking. While this does show that you’ve got a good sense of humor and are familiar with 90s pop culture, it’s actually never worked for me. At best, I’ve gotten a good laugh then a period of silence which left me realizing I didn’t have a plan for what to say next #awkward. I needed language. So here’s what you’re going to say, tailor it as needed, but this will give you a start:

IF YOU DON’T KNOW HER:

Find something that you admire about her, besides “she’s hot.” Notice her smile, her laugh, the way she interacts with others, her shoes, something you like. Approach.

“Hi. I’m sorry, to interrupt, but I just wanted to let you know I really like…(insert honest genuine compliment).”

(She’ll say thank you.) Hold out your hand to shake hers and introduce yourself. (She’ll tell you her name.)

“I know this may seem a little forward since we just met, but could I take you out for coffee/dinner sometime? I’d love to get to know you better.” Easy.

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW HER:

Approach.

“Hey, how’s your day/week/month going?”

(Listen to her answer. Respond accordingly. Keep it light and short when she returns the question to you. Don’t talk for thirty minutes while awkwardly building up to the question.)

“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and I was wondering if I could take you out for coffee [or dinner?]”  Boss. Nailed it.

Here’s an important note: if you’re nervous after you ask, don’t keep talking and explain yourself. Be okay with some silence. This may be a surprise to her and she’s running through a lot of thoughts in her head. Just breathe and let her think. Don’t feel the need to over-explain yourself. If she’s confused, she’ll ask. Let her speak. 

If you have her phone number, call her. Please don’t send her a text asking her out! She wants a man to show up. It’s good for us, as men, to be bold and cross that chicken line. I really don’t like talking on the phone period, but I want to show women they are worth the phone call. You can use the language given above.  Rehearse as much as needed, no shame in that. Just pick up the phone and go for it.

IF YOU GET HER VOICEMAIL:

Don’t ask her out over her voicemail. One time, I was so nervous and had rehearsed my words so many times that when her voicemail came on (the shortest voicemail message in the history of the world), I blanked and launched into my speech on her voicemail. Don’t do that. It doesn’t work. If her voicemail kicks on, keep it short and sweet:

Hey __________,  This is _________. I hope you’re doing well. I had something I’d love to run past you. Give me a call when you get a chance. My number is ____________.

THE FOLLOW-UP: WHAT TO SAY NEXT

IF SHE SAYS “YES”:

Have two or three ideas and dates in your head. Women like to know you’ve got a plan and intentions and most of us don’t think fast enough to plan when we’re nervous. Have two ideas so if the first option is a no-go, you have a back-up plan. P.S. Don’t forget to breathe.

Great. How does Monday Night/Thursday Morning/Saturday sound to you?  How about the coffee shop on Lincoln Street? Do you like Italian? Mexican? How about Los Tacos on 5th Street?

If it’s coffee, set a time you’ll meet her. If it’s dinner, ask if you can pick her up. Remember, be a gentleman. If she says yes, give her your number and ask her to text you her address, then go clean out your car.

IF SHE SAYS “NO”

Respect the no. Hopefully, she’s nice about it. Don’t take it personally. It could be that she just got out of a relationship, her grandpa just died, her world is spinning right now, or a hundred other reasons that have nothing to do with you. Don’t take it personally and don’t beat yourself up. I usually smile and say:

Fair enough. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. I’m glad we got to talk briefly. I hope you have a wonderful day and it would be great to see you around.

or 

That’s okay. I really just enjoy getting to know you. If something changes, feel free to let me know. I’d still love to take you out sometime.

HEAR ME ON THIS:

No matter what she says, celebrate yourself. You were bold. You went for it. You gave it a chance and put yourself out there. So much of being a man is showing up, taking a risk, and going for it. You just killed passivity and were courageous. Celebrate yourself for that. After that, enjoy your date or shake it off and find another lovely lady you’d love to get to know better. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but going for it an
d living in the present is always better than living in your head wondering what would have happened.

P.S. If you’re a lady reading this, feel free to pass it on to any guys you know or would like to know ;). Guys, if she tagged you in it, go for it. It’s going to go well for you.

Originally posted on: abramgoff.com