How to Talk to Your Kids About Homosexuality

REAL QUESTIONS:

I’m a Jesus-loving woman, a mom of 4 elementary school-aged kids--and most dramatically--I’m the wife of a man who left a gay identity behind and has lived out a heterosexual identity for the last 15+ years.  So, the subject of LGBTQ is a regular part of our dinner conversations. We also spend many hours every week loving on those with a history of LGBTQ .  

And yet, I can understand the trepidation that most parents feel--knowing that they need to talk with their kids about LGBTQ issues but not knowing how. If you’re like me, you feel a conviction to steer your kids toward a biblical worldview, but you also have compassion and grace for those living lifestyles that differ from yours and don’t want to offend them. It’s scary to know what to say, and it seems easier to try to avoid the conversations all together. 

MY ANSWER:

Let’s start talking about it.  A lot. The world is talking about LGBTQ everywhere we look--so why aren’t we?  Let’s talk about God’s design for family with our kids. Let’s talk about His heart for those within the LGBTQ community when our kids are young--before they ever meet a gay-identified person. Let’s discuss words like “gay,” “lesbian,” and “transgender” over the dinner table. Let’s stop holding a shield in front of our kids, keeping them from these conversations and instead, let’s equip them to wield the powerful weapons of loving truth and radical compassion to the hurting people of their generation. 

Here are three things you should keep in mind while talking to any age kid about LGBTQ issues.

KEEP THESE THINGS IN MIND WHILE SHARING:

1. BE CASUAL. When you talk to your kids, no matter their age, try not to be too serious. Don’t say things like “we need to talk to you kids about something really heavy.” Don’t act nervous. Kids are very perceptive and can pick up on these kinds of tensions. If you’re casual, the kids’ guards are down, and they might be more honest with you and listen better.

2. MODEL KINDNESS. Remember, most people in a gay lifestyle have probably endured rejection, have been misunderstood, and may even have been physically or sexually abused. Help your kids understand that gay people are treasures!  Jesus died for them, as He did for all of us! They deserve all the kindness we can give them.

3. DON’T DILUTE THE TRUTH. Our kids are growing up in a time when many people (including lots of churches) are saying that homosexuality is normal and good. It might be a fight for our kids to believe that homosexuality violates God’s design for family and morality, so make sure you’re regularly making clear God’s moral standards--as often as your kids need to hear it. Share hopeful stories or testimonies of God doing the impossible or setting people free, so that you’re sharing real stories of transformation, not just platitudes. Remind them that God doesn’t give us rules (i.e. “don’t practice homosexuality,”) because He’s mean. He instructs us for our best good.  

TIPS ON HOW TO STAY AGE-APPROPRIATE AS YOU SHARE:

AGES 0-5:

Typically, these kids don’t need to hear all the ins and outs about what it means to be gay or trans (unless they regularly come into contact with someone who has adopted this identity). My advice is to establish an understanding of God’s design for the family unit. We talk to our kids a lot about why God created families to include moms and dads. We ask them, “what would life be like without daddy? Without mommy?”  We listen a lot and let them respond. We read Genesis with them and talked about why God created male and female and why he established the family structure with a mommy and a daddy.

AGES 5-11:

The point here is to get the conversation started and to establish yourselves as the ones to come to with their sex questions. To show that you’re not intimidated to discuss LGBTQ questions/comments.

Since some kindergarten curriculum in many of our nation’s schools talk about transgenderism and homosexuality, I chose to start talking with my kids about these issues just before they became school aged, so that I could establish a biblical worldview as the standard of truth. My hope is that they’ll judge everything they hear later against that standard.

Here’s how these conversations go in my house--I do a lot of listening and not a ton of talking. I ask if they’ve heard the word “gay” and then I listen to their response. I establish that sometimes people experience pain or confusion over their sexuality. We discuss how the enemy can sometimes make us think that we’ll be in less pain by doing something that God says is not best--like marrying someone of the same gender or by trying to live as the opposite gender. But what do we know about God and His heart for people? Would He instruct people to live a certain way if that wasn’t what was best for them? Let’s let this situation bring us closer to our kids while demonstrating that we can handle awkward, sexual talks--letting them know, “you can get all your questions answered at home, kids!”

AGES 11+

The point here is to walk with your kids through their journey into becoming a sexual being. Consider sharing your own important sexual journey (without making any indiscretions seem appealing).  Or tell testimonies of those who fought to understand their sexual identities and those who surrendered their homosexual lifestyle to follow Jesus (see stories like this at changedmovement.com).  Talk about God’s heart, how he wants us near, how he’s understanding and forgiving, and how he’s the ultimate father who grants identity.  As we focus on Him and deepen our relationship with Him, we better know ourselves.  Tell them how some people really experience confusion over their sexual identity, so we need to have compassion and grace because that road is hard and painful, but God has solutions and healing. Nothing is impossible with Him! Let your kids hear your compassion and hope for these hurting people.

OUR KIDS COULD TURN THE TIDE:

One of the answers for a hurting gay community is the intimate love of Jesus, especially through the hands and feet of His church. Sadly, the church has mostly been known for throwing stones at them. But our kids’ generation could be the ones to turn the tide--and make a bridge for the gay community to access the love of Jesus through His church. Not by our preaching at them, but by demonstrating a loving Christ while still upholding our values. And I, for one, want to equip my kids to do just that!  I hope you’ll join me!

Tiffany Williams is a certified Enneagram coach, specializing in helping individuals, couples, and teams fully understand themselves and others and thrive in relationships. When she’s not doing that, she’s toting her 4 kids around to baseball and ballet practice and supporting her husband, Ken Williams, co-founder of the CHANGED Movement.