Boundaries and Dating with Purpose
Do you cringe when the topic of physical boundaries comes up in dating?
Before we understand why physical boundaries are important, we have to understand why we might have a negative cognition with them. Here are two of the most common reasons why:
1. Sex-Saturated Environment
The saturated environment in which our current generation lives has made many of us buy into the popular idea that we can't have fun or connection without sex in dating.
“You do you, boo!” is the message we get from a lot of the online content right now… But this mentality often results in the expectation for instant gratification in our real-life relationships. Which in turn results in disappointment because our lives are not a picture-perfect TV series.
And when we're disappointed in our relationship, we can find ourselves looking elsewhere for that instant gratification. And let's face it, pornography and masturbation can feel like easy “solutions” in the moment.
We have to understand that our unmet expectations are not exactly our fault. It’s what we’re being fed online that's constantly led us to disappointment.
2. The Sex-Silent Environment
If you haven’t yet listened to our podcast on common myths about purity, it’s a must watch. In it, we talk on shame-based purity culture and how it’s affected the way we view dating, marriage, and sex. Essentially, it silenced the conversation around sex, then shamed us for even having sexual desires. *yikes*
When we're facing a standard that’s humanly impossible for us to live by (which the Lord knew, by the way), we'll inevitably want to give up.
So, let’s have a recap here. The sex-saturated environment manipulated us to put unrealistic expectations on our real-life relationships and led us to disappointment - while shame culture silenced our genuine questions about sex and led us to despair.
The Hope for Freedom
Both of these environments can leave us feeling hopeless when it comes to building a healthy, Christ centered relationship, but the good news is neither of them has the last word!
In the book of Romans, Paul explains how our bodies won't always cooperate as we fight for purity and wholeness. Hence the relapses in addictions or constant broken boundaries we might deal with. With this, Paul expresses both despair and hope:
“I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.” - Romans 7:24-25 (Msg)
Then he goes on to write how in Christ, we are SET FREE from ALL condemnation;
“With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2 (Msg)
So, we have hope that there's REAL freedom available to us in Christ!
But freedom doesn’t always happen instantaneously. Yes, the Holy Spirit is powerful to instantly heal us, but many times He leads us on a journey to freedom. He knows the tools we learn to get us free will help keep us free as we grow! So we get the opportunity to play a role in our lasting freedom and this is where boundaries come in handy.
Boundaries and Dating with Purpose
Now that we’ve understood the different environments at play and our role in freedom, we can talk about physical boundaries and how they fuel our purpose to live for Christ.
First of all, we have to know this: we won't have to fight what we don't provoke.
Scriptures don't say that we're cursed for simply being human and having sexual desires (p.s. puberty and hormones are real!) It says that with the fruit of the Spirit, we can have the self-control to make it easier for ourselves rather than harder.
In our book, Naked Truth About Sexuality, Havilah Cunnington says:
“There’s nothing more tortuous than getting all hot and bothered and having to strain against your entire being, the way you were designed, and stop what you desperately want to follow through to completion. This is why one concrete suggestion is that you learn what your point of arousal is, or your “turn on”, and save it for your wedding night.”
The boundaries you’re setting are protecting you from having to fight your own body! So instead of reaching that point of no return and then torturing your body by not giving it what it naturally wants, you can simply choose not to go there in the first place.
Building these boundaries allows you to have more control over your own body and see beyond the physical which helps you discern if you even like this person’s character in the first place. Attraction is important. But it's character and emotional connection that stands the test of time.
Also, and this is what it comes down to, as Kingdom people who want to be the light of Christ in a dark world, we're not supposed to fit in. We're supposed to stand out! Your relationship can be proof to those around you that it’s possible to have fun AND honor God in the dating process!
So as we wrap up, take time to talk with your partner this week to ask these questions:
Is our relationship bringing the light of the Kingdom or are we going with the flow of the current dating culture?
Does our relationship have boundaries that honor both of our “turn ons” so we don’t have to constantly fight our own bodies?
In what way can we make each other feel safe in our relationship when it comes to physical boundaries?
Want to learn more about how to build healthy boundaries in dating? Check out our book Naked Truth About Sexuality - we share more on the science of sex and how to understand God’s heart for it!
