Talking to Your Kids About Your Past
“Mom/dad, have you ever __________?”
“Have you ever” games might have been fun in college, but what about when you’re a parent with a rocky past? How do you talk to your kids about the parts of your past you aren’t proud of? How do you glorify God in those conversations?
When my kids were little, I didn’t think too much about these things. As they became old enough to understand right and wrong, it brought about a whole new set of questions. Naturally, they wanted to know if their mom always made the “right” decisions. Wouldn’t that make things simple!
My past involves drugs, promescuity, sneaking out at night, shoplifiting, and a myriad of other dumb decisions I made, mostly in my teens. So when the “have you ever” questions pop up, they’ve learned Mom almost always says yes and Dad almost always says no (the dude has never even had a cavity, come on!).
The first time it happened, there was a split second when I noticed the crossroad I faced. I could skirt around the questions (or flat out lie) and try to be their hero, or I could tell the truth and potentially face their disappointment. Here’s why I chose the later, and why these conversations aren’t as difficult as I thought they’d be:
1. There is Only One Savior
As much as I’d love my kids to think of me as their hero, do you know what I want more? I want God to be their hero. I want them to know that God is my hero too. When I share things about my past, I don’t place a period after my mistakes. I always use it as an opportunity to glorify God - to highlight how faithful He was to me even when I didn’t know Him and how fortunate they are to know God as children. Conversations about my past aren’t centered around how bad I was, but rather how good God is.
2. I Will Not Carry Shame
When I accepted Jesus into my life in college, I received forgiveness like a child receives a Christmas gift. I unwrapped it, I called it my own, I never let it go. By the grace of God, the idea of being forgiven wasn’t something I struggled with. I read in God’s word that I was a new creation, that was that. Part of the reason these conversations don’t feel difficult for me, is because I’m not carrying around a backpack of shame. If you find yourself feeling trepidation at the thought of talking to your kids about certain aspects of your past, make sure you release the heaviness to God. Do you still carry shame? Do you struggle with the idea of being forgiven? Have you rested in God’s grace or are you still trying to earn it?
2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.”
Psalm 103:12 “As far as the East is from the West, so far He has removed our transgressions from us.”
3. Time And Context Help
Of course, our conversations should always be age-appropriate. There were times I had to say, “I’ll tell you when you are older” not because I was dodging the question, but because I wanted to wait until they were ready for the full context.
If your kids are ready, make sure to give the conversation the time and context it deserves. I once asked my mom how old she was when she lost her virginity. “Fourteen” she said, and she left it at that. I walked away thinking fourteen was the right age to have sex. We need to make sure we don’t simply answer the question, but provide the time and space to give context. It might be something you need to revisit when you are alone together or when you know you have the time to devote to the conversation. Think about the following questions: What would you have done differently (knowing what you know now)? If your child is ever faced with a similar situation, how do you want them to handle it? What does God’s Word say about it? And again, how can you use this conversation as an opportunity to glorify God as the hero of your story?
Whenever I’m feeling intimidated by any conversation, I say this to God: “Lord, thank you for giving me the words.” I say it ahead of time, as a declaration. God lives in us and we can trust Him to give us the words to share with our kids when the time is right. Let’s thank Him for those words, the right words that will glorify Him. Let us let God take His rightful place in our children’s hearts as the Hero of their story too.
