The aftermath of the cruelty I survived on those porn shoots has been a fear of people that I am only now overcoming. Every crime was recorded and lived on as masturbatory fuel for men. For a long time just walking down the street was hard because I never knew who had seen them. So I never looked up. I have learned to look people in the eye again, but it took years and distance from that time.
The bottom line is, if you don’t have the discussion with them, their school will, their peers will and culture will. They start forming their belief system at a very young age, so be sure to beat them all to it! I determined to be the FIRST VOICE that speaks into the issues of gender identity, sex, God’s design for marriage, pornography and more with my kids.
We should not conflate a condition with an identity. California’s 2019 Assembly Bill 201 makes precisely that type of error in section 2295(a)(2): “Intersex people are a part of the fabric of our state’s diversity to be celebrated, rather than an aberration to be corrected.” That is both a straw argument and misdirection because a medical condition is something one has, not who one is. Celebrate the person, yes, and recognize that person’s disorder of sex development, which may or may not need correcting.
Trauma is something that most of us have experienced in one way or another, whether it was through abuse, abandonment, or a circumstance that we had no control over. As children, when we do not have access to resources that help us navigate through the pain of these experiences, we will often develop coping mechanisms that can be unhealthy in the long term.
If you don’t think porn is a healthy habit (and research would back you up, there), you may have to have some hard conversations about this potentially awkward topic. And not only that, but it can be difficult to know what to say when you’re talking to someone about something as personal as recovery from a porn habit—especially when you care about that person and are being hurt by their porn consumption. You want to be able to encourage them into getting better rather than shame them back into their hidden habits.
Compatibility. Common goals. Chemistry. If you’re dating, or single and looking to date, these are probably high on the list of things you’re hoping to discover about the person you’re getting to know. While all of those are valid, there’s something deeper, yet just as important, that you need to be paying attention to as you date, and that is this: Is this person healthy and capable of building a healthy relationship? And since it takes one to know one, how do I answer the same question about myself?
The same day I said “yes” to Ben’s wedding proposal, I began receiving marital advice. The. Same. Day. And I kept getting it all the way through my wedding day. The advice was mostly unsolicited, but I suppose the influx of tips and experiences from both strangers and friends can be expected for life’s bigger milestones.
Finding someone to whom you are physically attracted is an important part of the equation of a healthy relationship. But it’s not the only part of the equation of attraction. It’s important for us to understand that attraction is multi-faceted. While attraction may start as physical, it’s fueled by other aspects of connection: emotional, mental, and spiritual.
We must first start with the core value that sex is about connection, intimacy, and love. Sex is designed to be a safe place where both people are present and vulnerably giving themselves to each other. If sex is a beautiful part of connection with your spouse and not just about orgasming, even when your body, hormonally, may not want sex, your heart and emotions can still desire it.
92.5 million. That’s how many times just one porn site was visited each day last year in 2018. EACH DAY! It’s devastating and straight-up frightening. Pornography and explicit imagery have become a custom of modern culture and, tragically, our kids are being targeted. What is now being called a public health crisis, the porn industry is fighting for the minds and hearts of the next generation.