THE PROBLEM
Our society seems to dictate that men pursue women and not the other way around. This can create a pretty powerless culture for the girls.
Furthermore, if the girl wants to be a virtuous woman, then she must refuse to use sensuality to seduce a man. This theoretically reduces her chances of “catching her guy.”
Yet, the truth is if a girl fishes with shark bait, then she will most likely catch a shark. I mean, if a girl is trolling the “man waters” with the 3 B’s (boobs, butt, and belly button), then she will likely catch a girl-watcher, not a virtuous dude.
It’s hard to keep a guy who was only attracted to your body because there’s always someone with bigger boobs and a better body.
THE SOLUTION
So what’s a girl to do?
1. Realize that most men don’t understand women, and you always fear what you don’t understand!
2. Pay attention to the way he treats his mama because however he treats her, he will treat you in the end.
3. Be beautiful, but not sexy. Contrary to popular opinion, dressing sexy says, “I’ve got nothing else going on.”
4. Take an interest in the things he is interested in. It will dispel a bunch of the fear in him if you can relate to something he loves.
5. Believe in him: his personhood, his destiny, and his ability.
This was the reason I grew in love with Kathy…she believed in me when no one else did. (If you don’t believe in him, you are wooing the wrong dude).
6. Don’t play “hard to get,” play your “I am worth sacrificing for” card!
7. Most girls like the “chase” because they were born to be pursued. But if you’re not interested in the dude, don’t lead him on. Other guys are watching, and a trail of male tears builds a rough road to your front door.
8. Hang out in a group before you date. Guys gain courage as they gain understanding.
9. If you do your “sister act” with him, he won’t think of you as a lover. Many guys have close friends who are great girls, but asking them out feels like they are dating their sister.
10. Be subtle, but let him know you are interested in getting to know him. A note works great.
But what if he doesn’t choose to pursue me? Then you will know pretty quickly, and you won’t waste your time with a dude who’s not interested!
11. If you like someone, ask a friend who knows him to introduce you. This helps break the ice.
12. Don’t date a guy with a bad reputation. Reputations are built on repetition (repeated behavior). It may sound exciting to date a bad boy, but marrying one will ruin your life.
13. Find some old, wise people to be accountable to in your romantic relationships. Love is blind, so listen to their input.
When my mom met Kathy for the first time, she told me, “Now that’s the marrying kind.” Kathy was 12 years old at the time. Five years later, I married that girl. That was 40 years ago!
Originally published on krisvallotton.com.
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# 5 is so important.
How does the “sister act” look like? And how am I avoiding it to do the sister act?
I don’t quite understand this point (#6) either.
The sister act may look like: 1. Talking about other guys around him 2. Not putting in effort forward to allow him to view you differently (it’s okay to dress up a little and flirt) 3. Talking to him about girls he might be interested in 4. Talking to him like parent/mother/sister (watch how you relate to him) 5. Using words like “bro,” “friend,” “dude”… 6. Treating him like another one of your girlfriends
This post is great and its really helpfull. I grew up in an environment in which I have been taught that it is man who has to chase women. I’m really confused with this and I do not know if it is good that a girl should ask a boy out for coffee ( when there is attraction ) . Someone once told me It should be the guy who goes behind the girl, just as Christ is pursues the church , which is the bride.Is this really true? I need some wise advice.
Someone could clarify me ?
Thank you so much
Hi Maria – this is just my opinion, but I think a really good way of asking a guy out without asking him out would be to say what you desire and let him do the asking (plant the idea).eg. “I’d love to catch up for a coffee with you sometime.” It feels risky to say that, but it’s honest and vulnerable, and it lets him know what you would like. AND it gives him the opportunity to say, “Yes, let’s make a date now” or “yes that would be nice sometime.”…. and you know he’s not that bothered.
If you look up Matt Boggs on youtube, he’s got some great ideas about things like this. 🙂
It would be awesome if you could find a place to elaborate on the subject of believing in a person.I have a tendency to be the ultimate optimist. That’s great until I discover that what I intended to be a positive belief in someone became a place of deception/manipulation.
When you’re dealing with another person and want to extend grace, and at times, mercy, because you know you’re both trying to figure this thing out, where is line? What are the signs that you’re being manipulated verses reading something into the situation out of past wounds that you thought were healed?