Walking with someone through unwanted same-sex attraction is a discipleship journey, not a fix-it project. The most effective approach starts with empathy, honors their courage, encourages their unique identity, and disciples the whole person rather than fixating on sexuality. Here's what that looks like in practice.
Why the Church Keeps Getting This Wrong
Most Christians who get this wrong aren't coming from a bad place. They genuinely care. But fear, discomfort, and a lack of understanding lead to responses that do more damage than good. "Just pray about it." "It's just a demon." "Go date the opposite sex." These responses feel like they should help, but they almost always communicate the same thing: I don't actually know what to do with you.
Caleb, Director of Pastoral Care at the CHANGED Movement, joined the Let's Talk About It podcast to share what actually works. Having navigated his own journey out of same-sex attraction and now walking with hundreds of others through theirs, Caleb has seen every failed first response and knows what people genuinely need on the other side of that vulnerable conversation.
The starting point is simple: a person navigating this experience wants to be fully known, accepted, valued, and loved for who they are. That's not a special need. It's a human one. And when you approach the conversation from that lens, everything shifts.
Start With Empathy, Not Theology
When someone shares that they're struggling with same-sex attraction, your first job isn't to correct, instruct, or quote Scripture. Your first job is to be a safe place for them to land.
That starts with checking your face. If your expression communicates shock, disgust, or panic, that person is going to shut down immediately. They already walked in expecting rejection. Most people who've mustered the courage to have this conversation have spent months (sometimes years) working up the nerve. Caleb described shaking for 20 minutes after his own conversation with a leader, even though the response was good.
So lead with empathy. Ask questions. "Tell me more about your experience." "What was that like for you?" "That sounds like it was really isolating." These kinds of responses build relational equity, and relational equity is what gives you influence later. People don't care what you know until they know that you care.
Honor Their Courage and Encourage Their Unique Identity
Thanking someone for trusting you with something this personal might feel counterintuitive, but it's one of the most powerful things you can do. They chose you. They invited you into something sacred. Honor that.
From there, encourage their unique identity. Not with generic affirmation like "you're such a good man of God," but with specific, personal encouragement tied to who they actually are. If the man in front of you is deeply compassionate, tell him that compassion is an incredible part of his masculinity. If he's creative or emotionally perceptive, call that out as a strength.
Caleb shared that one of the most healing things his father ever said to him was, "Jesus was a man when he was on the earth. I see a whole lot of Jesus in you. If that's not man enough, I don't know what is." That kind of encouragement redefines masculinity outside of cultural stereotypes and ties identity to Christ rather than to attraction.
Assure Them Nothing Changes (Then Prove It)
People walking into this conversation expect to lose the relationship. They expect you to pull away, treat them differently, or quietly distance yourself. So say it clearly: "This doesn't change anything between us. I'm not going anywhere."
Then prove it. Increase your intentionality. Send a text the next day: "Hey, you shared something really vulnerable with me. How are you feeling today? When can we meet next?" They're bracing for the rejection that usually comes 48 hours after the conversation. When you lean in instead of pulling back, it disrupts that entire cycle.
And the next conversation doesn't have to be about sexuality. It can just be life. Grab coffee. Go for a walk. Build the kind of ongoing relationship where they feel known as a person, not managed as a project.
Disciple the Whole Person
This is where well-meaning Christians fall into one of the biggest traps: making every conversation about sexuality. Caleb said he wasted years of his own journey trying to fix his sexuality instead of learning what it meant to be a disciple. When everything becomes about attraction, Jesus stops being the focus and sexuality takes his place.
Attraction is often the last thing to shift. If you measure every check-in by whether that's changed yet, you'll miss the transformation happening in every other area. The person you're walking with might be growing in confidence, community, self-awareness, and emotional health while still experiencing same-sex attraction. Those changes matter. Celebrate them.
Don't overwhelm them with a list of things they need to change either. Especially when it comes to interests, hobbies, or personality traits that don't fit Western stereotypes of masculinity or femininity. A man who loves fashion isn't less of a man. A woman with an assertive personality isn't less of a woman. Trying to force someone into a cultural mold of gender will make them more miserable than the identity struggle itself. Follow the Holy Spirit's lead on what to address and when.
Protect Their Story
Never share someone's struggle without their explicit permission. This seems obvious, but it happens constantly in church culture, sometimes disguised as "getting other people to help keep an eye on things." Before you know it, the whole community is talking about the person and nobody is talking to them.
They need to be in control of their own story. If you need guidance from a leader on how to walk with them well, ask permission first. "Hey, I'd love to talk with my pastor so I can better support you. Would that be OK?" People seeking help will almost always say yes. But they need to be the ones who authorize it.
What If They're Not Seeking Help?
Not everyone who comes out is looking for resources or a path out. Some are simply telling you who they are. The approach shifts slightly, but the foundation stays the same: empathy, honor, and honesty.
Thank them for trusting you. Then be honest: "I want to be upfront with you so you're not surprised later. I hold a traditional view of Scripture, and I don't think this is God's best for your life. But I believe 100% that He loves you, and my job is to love you the same way. I'm not going anywhere." That's going to cost some relational equity. So follow it by leaning back into empathy. Ask about their experience. How has coming out been? What has it cost them?
The goal is to keep the relationship alive. Because that relationship is what gives you access to point them toward Jesus over time.
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Listen to the full episode: Spotify | Apple Podcasts
Related Reading
- What to Say (and Not Say) When Someone Comes Out As Gay
- The 3 Hidden Drivers of Porn Addiction (And Why Willpower Alone Won’t Work)
- Virginity Isn't Purity: Why the Church Got It Wrong
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I respond when someone tells me they experience same-sex attraction?
Lead with empathy, not theology. Thank them for trusting you, ask questions about their experience, and assure them that the relationship isn't changing. Your first conversation should be about making them feel safe and known, not about correcting their theology or quoting Scripture. Build relational equity first because that's what earns you influence later.
Should I only focus on their sexuality when discipling them?
No. One of the biggest mistakes Christians make is turning every conversation into a sexuality checkpoint. Same-sex attraction is the fruit, not the root. Effective discipleship addresses the whole person: identity, community, emotional health, purpose, and spiritual growth. Attraction is often the last thing to shift, so focus on what God is doing across their entire life.
Can people actually change their sexual orientation through faith?
The CHANGED Movement represents thousands of people who once identified as LGBTQ and have found fulfillment, peace, and hope in Jesus. Change doesn't always look like a dramatic overnight shift. It often involves healing deep wounds, breaking agreement with lies about identity, and learning what healthy connection looks like. The journey is real, and God wants to meet people in it.
