A toxic relationship isn’t just a hard relationship. Every relationship has friction, miscommunication, and moments that require patience. But toxicity is different. It involves patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional harm that consistently damage you. Here are six red flags to help you tell the difference.
What Makes Something Toxic Instead of Just Difficult?
On the Let’s Talk About It podcast, Daniel and Elles Maddry drew a clear line between toxic traits and normal relational flaws. Toxic behavior involves manipulation, control, selfishness, and emotional unavailability. And the defining characteristic? There’s no teachability or repentance. There might be talk of change, but no action behind it.
Normal relational flaws, on the other hand, include things like miscommunication, different conflict styles, annoying personal habits, emotional baggage, and occasional mood swings. These are things every relationship encounters and every healthy couple can work through with good communication and mutual effort. The distinction matters because labeling every hard moment as “toxic” cheapens the word, and ignoring genuinely toxic patterns because “relationships are hard” can keep you stuck in something that’s destroying you.
What Are the 6 Red Flags of a Toxic Person?
1. Manipulation
Toxic people use manipulation to control others for their own benefit. This looks like twisting your words, using guilt as a weapon, or withholding affection to get what they want. Manipulation is fundamentally a characteristic of the enemy. It’s the same strategy used in the garden with Adam and Eve: promise something that shows up empty every time. If manipulation is the foundation of how someone engages in relationships, that’s not a quirk. It’s a crisis.
2. Lack of Accountability
A toxic person refuses to take responsibility for their actions. When you try to have a conversation about how something they did affected you, they deflect. The response is either “that’s just how I am” or they flip it back on you and accuse you of being too sensitive. One specific indicator: if someone rejects mentorship, leadership, or any outside voice speaking into their life, that’s the clearest sign that accountability isn’t just absent, it’s being actively resisted.
3. Jealousy and Control
This goes beyond protective instinct. A toxic person tries to control who you spend time with, what you wear, and how you behave. Daniel once bought a girlfriend an “emo girl starter kit” for Christmas because he was trying to shape her into who he thought she should be instead of accepting who she was. It’s a humorous example, but the pattern underneath it is serious. If someone is trying to mold you into their version of you, that’s control, not love.
4. Emotional Abuse
This can be subtle. Belittling comments disguised as jokes. Making you feel small so they can feel big. Establishing dominance through put-downs that are just light enough to be dismissed as humor. If you regularly feel inferior after spending time with someone, and they frame your concern as oversensitivity, that’s not banter. That’s emotional abuse.
5. Love Bombing
At the beginning of a relationship, a toxic person may overwhelm you with attention, gifts, and intensity. It feels amazing at first. But it creates emotional dependence fast, and it almost always fades once the person shifts into control mode. The high at the beginning isn’t love. It’s a setup. Consider the book “Scary Close” by Donald Miller for anyone who recognizes this pattern in themselves or someone they’re dating.
6. Disrespecting Boundaries
A toxic person does not respect personal, emotional, or physical boundaries. If you’ve clearly communicated a boundary and the person consistently crosses it, that’s not a misunderstanding. It’s a pattern. There’s a difference between two people who are fighting for purity together (that’s teamwork) versus one person who is resolved in the boundary and the other whose goal is to wear them out. If someone’s strategy is to erode your limits until you give in, that’s a red flag with a capital R.
What Are Normal Flaws That Every Relationship Has?
Not every hard moment is toxic. Miscommunication is normal and workable. Different conflict styles (one person needs to talk immediately, the other needs space to process) are normal and navigable with maturity. Personal habits that irritate your partner are normal and manageable with compromise. Emotional baggage from past experiences is normal and addressable with honest conversation. Occasional mood swings are normal and human.
The key difference? Normal flaws respond to communication. Toxic patterns resist it. If someone can hear feedback, take ownership, and adjust, that’s growth. If someone consistently deflects, blames, and refuses to change, that’s toxicity.
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Listen to the Full Episode
This post is based on an episode of the Let’s Talk About It podcast by Moral Revolution. Listen to the full conversation:
🎧 Listen on Spotify
🍎 Listen on Apple Podcasts
Related Reading
- Red & Green Flags of Dating
- The Goal of Dating
- Why You Keep Dating Toxic People (And How to Break the Pattern)
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
The six most common red flags are manipulation, lack of accountability, jealousy and control, emotional abuse, love bombing, and disrespecting boundaries. The key indicator is a pattern of behavior that consistently harms or manipulates you with no genuine effort to change. If someone talks about change but never acts on it, that’s toxicity, not a work in progress.
How do I know if my relationship is toxic or just hard?
Every relationship involves miscommunication, different conflict styles, and frustrating habits. Those are normal flaws that respond to honest communication and mutual effort. Toxicity is different because it resists change. If you can bring up a concern and your partner listens, takes responsibility, and adjusts, that’s healthy. If they deflect, blame you, or refuse to acknowledge the problem, you’re dealing with something deeper.
Can a toxic person change?
Yes, but they have to want it. And wanting it means more than saying sorry or promising to be different. It means being honest with themselves, getting outside help (a counselor, a mentor, a pastor), and consistently choosing different behavior over time. There is nothing too hard for God. But change requires surrender, and that’s a choice only the person can make.
