If you keep ending up with toxic people, it’s not bad luck. It’s a pattern. And patterns have roots. Whether it’s your family of origin, unprocessed trauma, or an emotional wiring that mistakes chaos for chemistry, the attraction to toxicity can be traced, understood, and healed.
Why Does Toxicity Feel Comfortable?
On the Let’s Talk About It podcast, Daniel Maddry was candid about his own history: he was attracted to toxic people. And he didn’t understand why until he started tracing the pattern back to its source.
God’s design is for children to be raised in stable homes where love is consistent, communication is healthy, and conflict is resolved well. When that happens, the brain gets wired for connection according to that design. But when the home environment involves chaos, instability, yelling, emotional distance, or dysfunction of any kind, the brain adapts to that instead. Chaos starts to feel normal. And normal feels safe, even when it’s destroying you.
Think of it like babies born to mothers who used drugs during pregnancy. Those babies are born with a chemical dependence they didn’t choose. They have to be weaned off of it. In a less severe but similar way, people raised in unstable environments can develop an emotional dependence on chaos. The highs are high. The lows are low. And stability, the thing that would actually be good for them, feels boring or even threatening.
Why Does Stability Feel Scary?
When Daniel started dating Elles, who comes from a stable family and is emotionally healthy, it was terrifying. Not because something was wrong with the relationship. Because everything was right. And he didn’t know what to do with that.
He described realizing that toxic relationships had felt safe to him because he knew they had no future. If he already knew a relationship wouldn’t work out, his guard could come down. He could be vulnerable without the risk of real commitment. But with Elles, where every indicator pointed toward something lasting, the stakes suddenly felt impossibly high. His instinct was to run.
The other side of that dynamic: Elles knew she could stay in the relationship as long as Daniel was actively working toward health. But if he had been unwilling to take accountability, seek counseling, and do the hard work, she would have had to step back. She couldn’t save him. Only Jesus could do that.
What Are the Root Causes of Attraction to Toxic People?
Family of Origin
If your earliest model of love involved volatility, you may have internalized the idea that intensity equals intimacy. Conflict might feel more comfortable than calm. Emotional distance might feel familiar rather than alarming. These aren’t conscious choices. They’re patterns wired into your nervous system from childhood.
Unprocessed Trauma
Past experiences of abuse, neglect, or abandonment can create attachment patterns that pull you toward people who replicate those dynamics. It’s not masochism. It’s your brain trying to resolve unfinished business by recreating the same scenario and hoping for a different outcome. Without healing, the cycle repeats.
Unmet Emotional Needs and Insecurity
When you don’t feel secure in who you are, you’re more vulnerable to people who offer intense attention (love bombing), promise to fill the void, or make you feel needed in an unhealthy way. Insecurity looks for stability in another person rather than finding it in God and in your own identity. And that search almost always leads to the wrong kind of relationship.
How Do You Break the Pattern?
Be Honest with Yourself
Daniel’s mentor told him something that stuck: the hardest thing for a person to do is be honest with themselves. If you can look at your dating history and see a pattern of choosing people who are emotionally unavailable, manipulative, or chaotic, own it. Don’t explain it away. Name it.
Get Professional Help
Daniel didn’t just journal his way out of this. He got a Christian counselor. He saw that counselor weekly. He enrolled in an intensive week-long therapy program where he had no phone and no connection to the outside world for five or six days. He described that season not as a magic fix, but as partnering with the Lord while exhausting every resource available. Freedom came through Jesus, but the tools God used included professional help.
Set Boundaries That Protect Your Heart
Proverbs 4:23 says to guard your heart above all else, because it determines the course of your life. If you know certain people, environments, or situations trigger your attraction to chaos, put boundaries around them. This might mean not talking to certain people, not going to certain places, or not entertaining certain types of relationships. Boundaries aren’t restrictions. They’re protection while you heal.
Give Healthy Relationships Time
Their early relationship required Daniel to push past his nervous system’s resistance to stability. He had to move forward on wisdom and wise counsel rather than feelings alone. If you’re coming out of a pattern of toxic attraction, a healthy relationship is going to feel unfamiliar at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means your taste is changing. Give it time.
Every week, we break down the conversations the church avoids.
Get them straight to your inbox.
Listen to the Full Episode
This post is based on an episode of the Let’s Talk About It podcast by Moral Revolution. Listen to the full conversation:
🎧 Listen on Spotify
🍎 Listen on Apple Podcasts
Related Reading
- The Art of Self Discovery Post Break Up
- Don’t Allow Insecurity to Cause You to Settle
- 6 Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship (And How to Spot Them Early)
Frequently Asked Questions
Why am I always attracted to toxic people?
The most common reason is that your brain was wired for chaos through your family of origin, past trauma, or unmet emotional needs. If instability felt normal growing up, your nervous system learned to seek it out in relationships. Toxic dynamics feel familiar, and familiar feels safe, even when it’s harmful. Breaking the pattern starts with honest self-awareness and continues with professional help, community, and time with the Lord.
Can I change who I’m attracted to?
Yes. Your taste in relationships can change, but it takes intentional work. That means getting honest about the pattern, seeking counseling, addressing the root causes (not just the symptoms), and being willing to push through the discomfort of healthy relationships that don’t feel exciting at first. Daniel’s story is proof that someone who was consistently drawn to toxic people can end up in a healthy, thriving marriage. The change is real, and it’s available.
How do I support a friend who keeps dating toxic people?
Lead with honesty and love. If your relationship has enough trust, it’s your responsibility as a friend to say, “I’ve noticed some things and I’m concerned.” Don’t trash the person they’re dating. Focus on what you’ve observed and how it’s affecting your friend. And be patient. Breaking a pattern of toxic attraction doesn’t happen because someone tells you to stop. It happens when someone is ready to face why they started.
