What to Do When You’re Married and Attracted to Someone Else

You’re happily married, and you start a new job that has very attractive people in your environment. What do you do? You’re a parent that picks up your child from school where there are other attractive parents. What do you do? You work closely on the worship team with other attractive leaders? What do you do?

I could list more scenarios where we are constantly surrounded by the opposite sex on a daily basis. However, I don’t think that’s necessary. The reality is, at some point in our marriage we may find ourselves “noticing someone other than our spouse”. First, let me say… there is NO SHAME. Just because you noticed an attractive human being does not make you unfaithful or “unhappily married”. God created some seriously beautiful people in this world and I am impressed with His artistry. I have personally discovered that I notice beautiful people all of the time. If people-watching was a sport, I’d be a Pro-player for sure. What I’ve also discovered about myself, is that I have to guard my heart and my mind so as to not dwell on their attractiveness for too long. That’s when your “noticing” crosses over into “lusting” and your mind (and heart) starts heading into unsafe territory. 

Here are some guidelines that have helped me along that way:

1. Be self-aware. Are you finding that you keep looking in their direction and notice them on a daily basis? Take the time to recognize this attraction and be honest with yourself. THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU WANT TO LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE AND START SOMETHING NEW. It simply means that they are attractive, and God created something beautiful. Remind yourself that you are powerful, and you are in control of you.

2.  Set personal boundaries. Boundaries will protect your heart, mind, and your marriage. Make every effort to not be alone in the same space together. Keep your conversations light and impersonal. This will help avoid creating a false sense of intimacy or an inappropriate friendship. 

3.  Bring it into the light. There have been times when I couldn’t seem to shake my attraction to someone. It was beginning to seep into my thoughts even when they were not around. I knew it was time to talk to my spouse. Simply bringing it into the light and sharing my concern, exposed the situation so that the enemy had no room to grow it in the dark. Now this will take courage and humility to have this conversation. Please, do not wait too long. Be brave and do it as soon as you notice a problem. My conversation looked a little like this: “I’m finding myself attracted to ______, and I don’t want to give the enemy any foothold on this. Because I love you and value our marriage, I wanted to let you in on my process. Would you please pray for me and cover me.” I also gave permission for my spouse to “check-in” with how that situation was going. (Promising to give honest updates and not be defensive). What I discovered was that by simply bringing my struggle into the light, it disappeared within days. That person didn’t magically turn ugly overnight, but the enemy had no more room to tempt me. I was committed to being honest in my relationship.

4. Keep a close heart connection with your spouse. Obviously, some of your attraction may be stemming from a lack of connection in your marriage. Please, please, please make it a priority to have intimate, heart connection time with your spouse. Do the work that it takes to keep your marriage healthy and vulnerable. If you find that you need to have the conversation that I mentioned above, know that it’s an opportunity to bring you both closer together. It’s a conversation that tells your spouse that you care enough about your marriage that you’re willing to risk them being upset. It tells them that you don’t keep secrets and you are on the same team.

5.  Pray for your marriage (and theirs). Whenever I feel like the enemy is trying to stir up feelings in me towards someone else, I combat it with blessing my marriage. I out-loud declare that “I choose my spouse. I choose my marriage. And I bless my relationship to be even more intimate and connected.” If the other person is married, I pray for blessings and increase in their marriage connection as well. The enemy does not like our prayers and often leaves me alone after that. 

Being attracted to someone does not mean that you have to partner with that attraction. It does not mean that you made a mistake and married the wrong one. Yes, there’s a possibility that it’s a sign of disconnect that needs to be addressed. OR… you may simply be a normal human that notices other attractive humans. 

There is no shame. You are powerful to set boundaries. You are in control of you and how you manage your thought life. You have the power to keep honesty and intimacy in your marriage. You have the opportunity to choose your spouse again and again. Keep calm and keep connection on!