Wanted ≠ Worthy

Caitlin Zick

Dating, Identity, Sex

Girl, being wanted does not equal being worthy.

Freshman year of high school, my friends and I had this silver spiral notebook. As you turned the pages, you’d see our names at the top. We each had our own page. Below our names were the boys. Plain and simple, it was the list of boys we had each been with– kissed, touched, been in bed with, lost it to….

That silver spiral notebook that supposedly gauged how worthy, cool, and popular I was would later haunt me and force me to face the moments that actually shattered my worth. By the book’s standards I was top of the pack, the best, and the most wanted. Back then, I equated me being wanted with me being worthy.

Where does your identity come from? Where do you find your value? As a teenage girl I can remember so vividly feeling “on top of the world” like “I had it all.” I felt so cool, so popular. Sadly, that was it for me. Popularity was everything. I was blind to the reality that the longer the list, the more work I’d have to do to climb out of the mess I was making.

You know that age-old example of “mama warned you not to touch the hot stove” but we always have to touch it and experience the pain ourselves to see? Please, oh please, let me be your big sister for a moment and say the heat in the bed is worse than the heat of the stove. Please stay away. The Bible says it so well, “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right” (Song of Solomon 8:4 NLT).  

Timing is everything, and it’s worth the wait. Wait to be wanted by the one you are forever committed to. Because of my past experiences, even when my incredibly pure and patient husband was  “wanting me,” it felt skewed and dirty—because that’s all I’d known it as. There were always ulterior motives. One night stands or continual late night “booty calls” were what I was reduced to. Subconsciously, it was hard to view the “wanting” through eyes of love rather than lust. I had known lust for too long to believe the love was real.  

 

So where are you at?

1. Trying to be wanted

STOP, DROP AND WAIT. Stop trying too hard. I heard a mother of a teenager once give her daughter this wise advice, “you don’t need guys to like you, you need one guy to like you, one day.” So true!

 

2. Wanted & on top of the world  

Are you really though? Your full inbox, everyone sliding in your DMs, and your calendar full of dates might feel good in the moment. But let me tell you from experience, you are worthy without being wanted by many. Keep holding out to find the one, rather than entertaining many. The “no strings attached” lie will come back to bite you in the butt.

 

3. Ready to give up

I see this so often, especially in girls who say things like, “Go to prom? Yea right, a guy will never ask me!” Then they start to question their worth compared to the girl who has a line of guys waiting to ask. You are worth it. Don’t give up. You need one guy one day. That may not be today, but wait for the one.

CAITLIN ZICK HAD A PROFOUND MOMENT AT THE AGE OF SIXTEEN WHERE GOD CALLED HER OUT OF A CROWD AND HER LIFE WAS FOREVER CHANGED. FROM THAT MOMENT, SHE BEGAN TO DISCOVER WHO SHE WAS AS A DAUGHTER OF GOD, FALL IN LOVE WITH JESUS, AND REALIZE THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT IN HER LIFE. CAITLIN AND HER HUSBAND COLE BECAME DIRECTORS OF MORAL REVOLUTION IN 2017 AND OPENLY SHARE THEIR MARRIAGE STORY AND FIRST YEARS OF SEX IN MARRIAGE TO START A HEALTHY CONVERSATION AND BEGIN TO UNFOLD GOD’S DESIGN FOR SEX. THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED AND IN FULL-TIME MINISTRY FOR ELEVEN YEARS AND HAVE STARTED THEIR OWN LITTLE ZOO, KNOWN AS #THEZICKZOO. YOU CAN FIND THEIR WILD ON INSTAGRAM WITH THEIR LITTLE ANIMALS: CALEB, CONNOR, CADE, AND CHLOE ROSE. 
INSTAGRAM: @CAITZICK
TWITTER: @CAITLINZICK

21 Responses to “Wanted ≠ Worthy”

  1. I clicked the link to see if it was something I could send to a friend who is really struggling with her self worth after a divorce… it’s always been tied to men wanting her. And while I agree with so much of what you’ve said in this post I felt like maybe there was an element of missing on our worth not being tied to men at all? It’s pointed out several times that we only “need” one man to love us but what about the woman who never gets married or re-married? Do they not have worth? What if there isn’t a “one” in the cards for a woman?
    I really believe that our worth is tied into who we are to God only. Priceless daughters of the King. I fully recognize that this article is one piece of a puzzle and larger overall theology of this ministry but just wanted to point out that as a stand alone it could be really misleading 🙂

  2. What if everything you said about your experience is true for me? What steps should I take now? I am experiencing these same feelings and I am about to get married next year. Even just kissing has made me feel “dirty” because of only knowing the feeling of lust from men.

  3. Thank you for this.
    Your story carries power I can relate to.
    This being said. I’m currently dealing with having gotten past this point of needing validation from many for my sense of worth and I’m currently in a loving commutes relationship with an amazing girl.
    Perhaps it’s a result of my past experiences or perhaps it’s just normal to me, but when it comes to physical, sexual activity (not actual sex, but foreplay) my girlfriend and I are open and willing and wanting to enjoy this from each other although it is shamed and not tolerated by authority figures in our lives. We feel guilty when interference to these people in our lives but not to each other. We have I voted God into this area in both of our lives and don’t feel shame between the two of us but I don’t want to dishonor those authorities in our lives. I do ply want to understand where they’re coming from in their belief systems regarding this kind of activity. There is clearly a discord between us in our relationship and those who over us. We are torn as being physical is a part of our relationship we both enjoy and don’t want to lose, although we feel we must. I’ve tried gaining into defining physical, sexual activity in the bible and talking to God directly but Im just confused as I don’t see where were going wrong?
    I’m open to being proven wrong and I and my girlfriend are willing to stop, in fact we have decided to out that part of us on hold for now, but I’m just not aware of why people are telling us no. Or how God defines clearly the definition of what sexual activity (intercourse or all) should wait for marriage.

    Can you please shed some light on this for me. As my heart towards it is okay between her and myself and for but not with our superiors.

  4. Darria Deatherage

    Absolutely amazing. What God does through vulnerability and truth is more powerful than anything. Your truth and experience is being used to safekeep purity. That is worthy! Love your message honey! Sending to my teenagers now! I have boys and teach them the importance of purity and this is a wonderful teaching tool….True Testimonial!

  5. I agree with all of this except the author’s assertion that sexual mistakes “shattered her worth”. Her worth was unchanged, because her worth didn’t come from her behavior but from the fact that Jesus already died for her, demonstrating that her value was infinitely higher than anything attainable by human value. If we claim that sexual sins can damage our value, we are making dangerous, faulty claims by giving ourselves the ability to alter our value—which can never be done by us or anyone else but depends wholly on the price with which we were bought. We who have been saved by grace would never claim that we damaged our worth by telling a lie or going a week without praying, so how could we ever claim that sex had damaged something so eternal and sovereign as our worth?

    • Caitlin Zick

      Hi Jaelyn! We would love to come to NZ. We do our best to come where we are invited. You can work with your local church to plan an event and send us an invitation via our website. We are still booking for 2018.

  6. This is so good. I can relate and it’s amazing what you said about the being wanted by a pure man in a pure way feeling wrong because of your past and what that usually meant. I have often thought about this as I continue my (very long!) wait for that one man. I asked myself this last week, like what will I feel when he “wants” me? So then in lieu of my cringing response inside I invited God into this place of my heart to teach me what sex and intimacy was meant to be! Thanks for being real 🙂

  7. I have the same issue you are describing… Interpreting the “wanting” of my beloved fiancé to sexual use .. I come from a background of sexual abuse . I have difficulty approaching the marriage commitment fearing abandonment after sex ; the feeling of being abused & then thrown away.. please advice if you can.

  8. I can relate to this and am so thankful I got out of that lifestyle and learned God’s calling for me. I was “popular” alright but that’s just a lie from The Devil. Jesus loves us enough to take that desire to sin and he’ll forget it ever happening but reminds us that we are His bride!

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