The Art of Self Discovery Post Break Up

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Post break up, there is a season for mourning. A season for rest. A season to heal. And then there’s a season for self reflection and discovery. Though this time can be rather painful, I have found that this is where God’s wisdom and insight into who He is and who He’s made me to be, sinks in deep. Dating isn’t something I did much growing up. I loved being single, having fun with my friends in group settings, experiencing freedom and independence; I lived life as a free bird, accountable to no one but myself (and Jesus). I’ve recently come out of my first serious relationship that was heading in the direction of marriage. Though in the moment it was extremely difficult to walk away from, it was that still small voice that I developed in the secret place that led me into the relationship, and ultimately that led me out of it.

People are quick to encourage you to move on from pain; few people have the empathy, compassion, and grit to sit with you in your pain. Suffering makes people uncomfortable. We really just want the best for one another, so to see a loved one hurting; it’s not fun. But for the individual to believe and hope in the best for oneself, one has to walk through the pain and allow Jesus to get us to the other side. That only happens through submission and being still before Him. It’s easy to hurry along a healing process. It’s easy to give up and quit; it’s hard to stay surrendered. So I’m walking through all these feelings post-break up and it’s terrible. It’s a loss. The emotions are real and those first few weeks post-break up, they’re at their mountain top moment! It’s a moment where you feel time has frozen still, yet time has very much not frozen still because life keeps going. Isn’t it wild how telling but also how crazy emotions can be? I tell myself it’s okay to feel all these emotions because like scripture says, there’s a time for everything under Heaven. And just as my heavenly Father felt pain, Jesus was familiar with the deepest of grief. Isaiah 53:3, “He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.”

Jesus was just as familiar with emotion and is allowing you to walk them out. It’s okay to mourn and grieve what once was. We can’t outrun the pain, but God is right there with us in the heat of it. When faced with great emotion, we can either allow them to take over, or use them as immediate red flags to ask the Spirit for help. As I continue to walk out my days, I become increasingly aware of two things: 1. How little I am in control of things. 2. How in control I am of some things.

I want His will to be done in my life. We all do, right? We say that in our prayers, we sing it in worship songs, write that in our journals, and I believe we truly desire it in our hearts. But how do we align our wants with His will? How do we believe, not just convince ourselves, that His will and His best for us is usually not what we will and desire? I’ve found that I have to sit still before the Lord and quiet my thoughts in order for His truth to not only be known to be, but for me to recognize and believe it. It’s in seasons of suffering, disappointment, and hurting where that shift can take place in our heart. It’s in those seasons where it’s crucial that we give Holy Spirit access to do the inner healing work in us. It’s crucial we slow down and make space for that. Only then are we able to give Him permission and say, “Not what I will, but what You will.” Post-break up can be a really beautiful and life-changing season in your life (if you let it) to discover what exactly it is that God has planned for you next! It’s a time to re-evaluate where you’re heading, what you truly want in a spouse, what areas you need to work in, and a time to get strengthened in your convictions. Any decision made that’s based in fear, is a poor one. For me, something I matured in during my dating relationship was letting my “yes” be “yes” and my “no” be “no.” That didn’t just happen overnight. I learned what it meant to have boundaries (now that I wasn’t such a free bird anymore) and to speak up about what I valued, desired, liked/disliked, etc.

So here are some post-break up questions to ask yourself during this time of self-reflection:

• Did my values, dreams, or goals shift throughout the relationship at all? If so, what were they at the beginning of the relationship and where are they at now?
• Did I stay true to my convictions?
• What course was my life heading in? Do I need to make some changes presently?
• Am I allowing the Holy Spirit to discipline, correct, and redirect any lies, wrong ideas, or thoughts I’ve believed along the way? If so, what are they?
• Do I truly trust that God has my best interests at heart?
• What will be my anchor verse to get me through this muddy post-break up season?

If you need some ideas for anchor verses, try these:

• Philippians 1:6
• Romans 15:13
• Isaiah 43:2
• 1 Peter 1:6-7

As you navigate this post-break up season, ask Jesus to help you not allow your hurt feelings to become hardened feelings which ultimately lead to bitterness, sin, and self-destruction. Hurt feelings and hard feelings are two very different things. It is very difficult to love others from a hurt and wounded spirit. Loving from that place can cause us to love with impure motives, even if that’s not our intention. We’ll then try to love not from the overflow of the Spirit, but from the hurts of our flesh. Though I am sure of this: The Lord uses everything and wastes nothing. Shame doesn’t win the day. Guilt doesn’t win the day. Worry doesn’t win the day. He used this relationship to grow you, mold you, and ultimately one day, to reflect His glory in you. In the midst of my deepest hurt, the thing I craved most was peace. But may I kindly remind you that peace is the presence of Jesus. So as long as you walk out this season with Him, peace is a guarantee. Rest in His revelation and in what He’s about to reveal.

Here is a simple prayer I wrote in my journal. Feel free to make it your own:

Prepare my heart and make room

Open my eyes to see what you’ll do

Open my ears to hear what you’ll speak

Open my heart to understand what you’ll say

Katelyn Motsinger

Katelyn is passionate about connecting the reader’s heart to the Father, whether that’s through her poetry, devotionals, articles, or songwriting. Currently in Dallas, her heart is stirred for the Church and for the body of believers to walk in a manner worthy of their calling. She loves coffee, old book shops, anything in nature, and trying different foods! To sign up for her Monday morning devotional or to read more of her writings, you can visit her blog www.underthecanopyonline.com.