Simple Healthy Communication Skills

Have you ever heard a worship song that says something like, “all I need is you, God?” While that is a beautiful sentiment, it’s only telling half the story. God hard-wired us to be relational beings, and we’re at our best when we’re in loving relationships with other people, not just with God.  

Genesis 2:18 even says, “it’s not good for man to be alone.” So that yearning, that deep need that we feel for human connection is not sinful. It’s God-given. But, sexual sin can creep in as a result of trying to meet our healthy need for connection in an unhealthy way. How does this happen? I’ve found that many people don’t have the skills that they need to build proper friendships in the first place, which can lead them feeling rejected, isolated, and unworthy of healthy relationships–and they can turn to porn, masturbation, or sex outside of marriage in an attempt to get those relational needs met. 

But don’t worry, these skills can be learned! Here are 3 simple skills to practice in order to build strong and healthy relationships! 

Listen more than you talk: PAY ATTENTION to your interactions with others. Most of us talk too much without realizing it (tip: do you have a super honest friend? Ask them if you ever talk too much). Are you monopolizing conversations just because you think others really want to hear what you’re saying? I believe you. You’re hilarious/brilliant/unique. But your friends might get tired of feeling like they are not getting the chance to be heard or to feel known. Do you stop talking to ask others for their thoughts and opinions instead of talking only about yours? (ex: “well, enough about why I don’t like asparagus. What’s your favorite vegetable?”) Are you telling long, detailed stories that might not be as interesting to others are they are to you? (pay attention to your friends’ cues. Are they getting restless, looking around, not responding frequently? It might be time to wrap that story up!) A good rule of thumb is, if you’ve talked for longer than 10 minutes without giving the other person much time to share, it’s time to give them the floor. Then, resist the urge to steal it back from them! 

Listen for understanding, not for what to say next: Proverbs 18:2 says “fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” Repeat after me: “It’s more important that my friend feels HEARD than for me to interject my own thoughts.” PAY ATTENTION when others are talking and notice what you’re thinking about. Are you trying to formulate some advice? Are you coming up with a witty remark? Are you remembering a similar experience that you’ve had? If you’re really wanting better, healthier relationships, my best advice is to stop doing that! Instead, double-down and give the person talking your full attention. Ask clarifying questions like, “tell me more,” until you really understand what they’re saying. You don’t need to have a witty or helpful comment to contribute. Listening and understanding can be enough. This one skill will help others know that you care about them and will deeply connect you with them. After all, don’t we all like to be understood and heard?  

Get really good at showing empathy: Empathy simply means being able to feel what someone else is feeling. PAY ATTENTION to the way you respond when someone opens up to you about a problem they’re experiencing, because it can either strengthen the bond of your friendship, or it can drive people away from you. The truth is, very few of us know how to empathize because sitting with someone who is in pain is truly uncomfortable. We may make the mistake of trying to cheer them up and say, “don’t worry. God’s got this!” Or maybe we think it would be good for them to hear that we’ve been through something similar, “I went through this myself. Let me tell you that story…” Or maybe we get angry, “Oh, I want to beat that person up for you!” The truth is, none of these techniques will truly comfort your friend. Showing empathy can mean saying, “I’m so sorry. That is so hard,” and sitting with your friend in silence as she cries. It can mean NOT sharing the time you experienced something similar–because then it becomes about YOU and not about THEM. It can mean NOT cutting their process short when they are showing emotions like sadness or anger, even if you’re uncomfortable with their display, and just say “I am with you. I love you.” The power of empathy, of taking time to walk with someone through pain and grief, making it about THEM and not about YOU, is life-changing. And if you want your relationships to thrive, get really good at practicing this skill with others.

Jesus wants us to thrive in every way–not just in our spiritual walk, but in our relational walk with others. So if you heard any ways in which you might need to grow, please know that He gives us grace to do all the things we don’t know how to do and he covers all of our failings. With Him, you’ve got this. It just takes practice.

Tiffany Williams is a certified Enneagram coach, specializing in helping individuals, couples, and teams fully understand themselves and others and thrive in relationships. When she’s not doing that, she’s toting her 4 kids around to baseball and ballet practice and supporting her husband, Ken Williams, co-founder of the CHANGED Movement.