Sex & Marriage

Cole Zick

Marriage, Sex

Sex and marriage have become two words that almost don’t seem to go together. It seems the narrative has become, “Husbands never get as much as they want, and wives periodically grit their teeth through it.” We have experienced this first hand in our own marriage. It has taken us years to learn how to fully enjoy sex, and in all honesty, years to understand that sex in marriage isn’t a luxury but rather a necessity.

Much of our struggle in this area was similar to many other couples. I never felt like we were having enough sex and Cait had no desire to have any. It actually took us a long time for her to even experience total fulfillment. Yes, I mean what that implies! As a matter of fact, it was eleven years into marriage before she experienced an orgasm. For eleven years we struggled, fought, and were often confused about what we were doing wrong. We really loved each other but for some reason, we couldn’t figure out how to get into a healthy sexual rhythm. For anyone who experiences this, you already understand the impact that a bad sex life can have on other areas of your relationship.

We often found ourselves being sharp with each other and lacking patience. At different times throughout those years, it felt like we were parenting-partners rather than romantic lovers. Thankfully, that all changed in 2017 and things have only continued to get better.

This process caused me to ask some important questions. Such as, “Why do I desire sex so much?” At times I would compare my need for sex, to her complete lack of desire, and think, “Why am I so gross? Why do I need something that she seems to disdain? Am I really just an animal?” This is an important question for someone who feels their sex drive is stronger than their spouses.

The answer is actually pretty simple. God designed sex to be a powerful bonding force between a husband and wife. As I began to discover God’s design through scriptures like Matthew 19:6, 1 Corinthians 7:1-7 (NIV and MSG are both great) and of course much of Song of Solomon… I realized it was an important building block for marriage. In addition to scripture, I began to learn about the biology and chemicals like vasopressin, dopamine, and oxytocin that are released in my brain when I make love with my wife. It is very clear that God intended sex to be a powerful tool to bond my body, soul, and spirit to hers. Understanding that I was created this way helped me to silence the lies that I could have believed.

It also caused me to be very passionate about the value and importance of sex inside of marriage. It seems that for many it has become a “luxury” rather than a necessary expression of love. As my wife and I have begun to discover the beauty of it, I am so grateful we never gave up on experiencing sex the way God intended.

It took years of trial and error, failed moments and completely vulnerable conversations. Listening to her telling me that she didn’t enjoy it, and my coming to grips with that reality and not blaming her for it. I also looked for ways to express my desire for her without her feeling objectified. These were just some of the challenges we overcame, and in some ways, are still overcoming. There were even periods where I considered that perhaps this was my lot in life, to love a wife who couldn’t fulfill me in this area. I chose to begin to look for other ways to love her and be loved by her. Now looking back, I realize that the choice to not have sex wasn’t really an option if I wanted a healthy and fulfilling marriage. God didn’t give sex to marriage as an optional upgrade, but rather as a critical part of the base model.

As I assess the state of our culture in regards to marriage, I have realized that we are in desperate need of great marriages that have great sex! Let me connect some dots for you before you think a Christian shouldn’t be talking like this.

A study done by the Pew Research group on millennials’ mindset towards marriage came to the conclusion that many have the viewpoint of, “It’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family and acknowledge the end of traditional marriage as society’s highest ideal.”

Fewer millennials will get married than any other generation. Out of those who do get married, they will marry much later. In a very real sense, our culture is losing its faith in marriage. Why is this?

For a few decades now, we haven’t given people something to believe in when it comes to marriage. Everyone is aware of divorce statistics which has caused many to believe divorce is a matter of ‘when’ not ‘if’. Consider how marriage is described in many places, “ball and chain” or “the end of freedom.” When most people think about sex, they view it as exciting and erotic when you are young and single. Believing it ’s boring and rare when you are married.

Ok, so why did I turn this personal blog into a cultural statement? Because I believe that one of the best things we can do for ourselves, our kids and society is to have great, connected, intimate sex in marriage! Our kids will watch marriages they hope to have one day and our culture will realize that God was right when He said, “It’s not good for man to be alone…the two will become one flesh and what God brings together let no one separate.”

Married couples I urge you, DON’T GIVE UP! Keep having sex even when it’s not great. Learn together, try new things. Make it a priority to make love in a way that connects your body, soul, and spirit. Your future self and the next generation will thank you for it.

 




 

Cole Zick is passionate about seeing the church come together to be effective and thrive in every area of life. He and his wife Caitlin currently serve as directors of Moral Revolution in Redding, California. With eleven years of marriage and ministry experience, they openly share their story and first years of sex in marriage hoping to start a healthy conversation and ultimately see others find freedom through their experience. They also created four children in five years, which gives insight into their love for chaos.

19 Responses to “Sex & Marriage”

  1. I love this article, but I think there is another side that I would love to see you guys talk about. Something I didn’t understand till I experienced it. The idea that married women ‘grit their teeth’ through sex is connected to growing instances of issues such as vaginismus, or vulvodyna as well as a range of other problems. These cause sex to be enormously painful and many women think it’s normal to have a little bit of pain during sex. But if it keeps being painful the conditions described previously can become really big issues. These types of problems have both a mental and a physical component and can be caused by men being to rough (not intentionally of course) or not having enough forplay time to allow a woman to be ready, on the flip side they can also be caused by women feeling shameful about sex. I think that education for both sides is really important, and I also think we need to take shame surrounding sex down. Because it’s not what God intended. I hope you guys can talk about some of these issues, and let people know that sex should never have to be painful, and that giving a woman time and making sure she is enjoying sex, will lead to more better sex

  2. Thanks for advise although it would be great if you could explain how you came to that point of enjoying sex together. How did it finally come to a point where your wife felt fulfilled? What was it that y’all weren’t doing right for eleven years?

  3. Jada Black

    So 20 years of marriage here and like your past, Sex life is non existent and if i had it my way, could live without it. Obviously not
    because of my husband, but because of me. 0 desire, 0 libido 0 want to. (Just being Real here).. I do agree with Naty up above, so many physical and/or mental issues that manifests in o sex drive and other issues with sex which i suffer from both. Love this post but i would love to hear some challenges that your wife and how she overcame them. Would love to know of some practical things you guys did. Thanks

  4. Savannah

    LOVED THIS! I feel like my husband and I are struggling so much in our sex like right now. We have been married for over 2 years and just can’t seem to get it right…. I feel like it is mostly on my end. But, as someone else mentioned I would love to hear your wife’s side of the story! And also how y’all came to the breakthrough. What were the steps you took to do this? PLEASE follow up and give us some more information. I need help with this.

  5. Keagan Green

    “Perhaps. But because of the danger of immorality, each husband should have sexual intimacy with his wife and each wife should have sexual intimacy with her husband. A husband has the responsibility of meeting the sexual needs of his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. Neither the husband nor the wife have exclusive rights to their own bodies, but those rights are to be surrendered to the other.”
    ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7:2-4‬ ‭TPT
    Sex is necessary in marriage so that desire won’t cause you to be sexually immoral, outside of your marriage. Like since I love Jesus I will be intimate with Him and He will fulfill my life so I won’t seek fulfillment from anywhere else. The same can be said for married couples, sex shouldn’t flow from an obligation to the other person, but from perfect love and keeping your covenant with your spouse.

  6. Thank you for sharing. Completely agree with Sara’s comment. Feeling stuck in this situation currently, would like to know more on how to overcome and get to the place of pleasure and fulfillment.

  7. Great article and timely for us. We have 2 kids under 3 years old and it’s like, where do we find time, and where do we get extra energy from? And I’m still feeling pretty yucky from giving birth even though it’s been almost 7 months. Would love to hear your wife’s perspective….
    We are always tired. 2 kids that don’t sleep so well at the moment (6 month old and an almost 3 year old) makes it difficult to connect as a married couple…with four kids, what did you guys do?

  8. I would so appreciate your wife’s perspectives and how she overcame her struggles. I’m newly married and relate 100% to how you described her experience. How did she overcome? My husband and I don’t know how to even begin the process of working through this.

  9. C Harper

    We celebrate 25 yrs in Dec and I agree SEX is important for intimacy and growth. I think we need to address the issues of BOTH men & women who struggle with low desire. I’m 42 and most women I know say they feel deprived from having the sex they want. Husbands are stressed, overworked, and exhausted too. These women feel embarassed to ask their husbands for more, or different kinds, of sex.
    At 25 yrs of marriage, we have the best sex life ever and I’m planning on maintaining it for another 25 yrs. Praying for everyone because the struggle is real!! But you CAN shift if you are honest, intentional, and consistent. And remember the # of times shouldn’t be compared to anyone else’s. The quality and satisfaction is determined by each couples unique needs and desires.

  10. You basically took my exact words from a conversation I had with a friend about 6 months ago, you are so right, especially the ‘our culture … is in desperate need of great marriages that have great sex!’
    Great article!

  11. Elizabeth

    This was great! Thanks for your honesty. I find myself in the same situation except I’m the wife…I never see any articles about a wife with a healthy sex drive and a husband without much of one. If there’s anyone on your team who could write about that, it would be much appreciated. There are women in your position who need help too!

Leave a Reply


CAPTCHA Image