I remember talking to a friend right before I moved from my hometown and away from my marriage. “If there’s one piece of advice I can give you,” she said, “it would be to not rush into another relationship.” I assured her this was the furthest thing from my mind, but she insisted. She had thought the same thing when her previous relationship had ended, she explained, but she had surprised herself by becoming sexually free very quickly. At the time, I thought her advice was unnecessary. But looking back now, I wish I had taken her comments to heart. My husband and I were in our early 20s when we married. We both came from Christian families and had both miraculously saved ourselves for marriage. Divorce was the furthest thing from our minds, let alone sleeping with anyone else, but within a few short years, this became a reality, and let me tell you, it was not pretty.
I’ve come up with all the excuses in the book for why our marriage ended. We were too busy, I was depressed, we were stressed financially, and he was controlling. But really, it all boils down to the fact that neither of us was truly maintaining our relationship with the Lord. Our faith walks were religious, not personal. If God had been our focus and our passion, the worldly definitions of success wouldn’t have widdled us down and exhausted us. If God had been our center, it would have been easier to fight through the dark valley in which we were struggling.
To separate myself from my husband, I moved to a new city and started my life. I thought the new, carefree world I had created for myself was where I was supposed to be. My focus remained on the worldly definitions of success and happiness, which quickly influenced my new relational status. Three months later, I found myself in bed with someone I should not have been with. This was the first of many casual relationships that I would enter into in the following two years of rebellion, none of which were satisfying or long-lasting.
I’m surprised, looking back, how easy it was for me to jump into the lifestyle of promiscuity. I had never been that girl, and it went completely against my morals and even my desires. I pretended for a while that this part of my life was fun and exciting, but deep down, I knew something was wrong. Even though these encounters led to fun girl talk with my friends, I would cry myself to sleep at night, my heart aching for something more meaningful. I had never felt more alone, empty, or directionless.
Finally, my hardened heart became soft for the Lord, and I listened to the instructions I knew He had been giving me all along. God grabbed me back with a vengeance, and I am so grateful for His unconditional grace and love.
Sex after divorce is such a difficult subject. Even if we had saved ourselves for marriage, our bodies are now awakened to the sexual world, and it’s hard to turn that tap off once it’s been opened. Even though your sex drive is a very powerful part of you, I’ve realized the drive I’ve felt after divorce goes even further than that. Sex is attractive, yes, but intimacy is even more attractive.
“Sex is attractive, yes, but intimacy is even more attractive.”
I realized it was the search for intimacy that was driving me to get involved in casual relationships so quickly. I was craving that closeness, to be known and appreciated by someone like I had been with my husband, for my heart to be felt by someone else’s heart. It was a long and painful, even damaging, learning curve to see that these relationships wouldn’t bring anything close to the true intimacy I was actually searching for.
In coming to this realization, I knew that I had to withhold myself from sexual relationships outside of marriage. Not only was God asking me to do this, but I knew that logically it was what I had to do if I wanted to find a truly intimate relationship. God was asking me to abstain, not to enforce a rule, but because He knew how destructive non-intimate relationships were on my heart and how they weren’t where I would find what I was looking for and what I truly needed.
The world defines intimacy as a sexual encounter, to be ‘intimate’ with someone. But really, casual sex encounters have no intimacy in them, and I would argue that any sexual encounters outside of marriage hold very little intimacy, if any. I’ve had sexual interactions within marriage and outside of marriage, both in casual relationships and committed relationships. From first-hand experience, I stand firm on the belief that sexual intimacy outside of marriage in any form cannot be compared to what it is within the boundaries of marriage.
It’s unfortunate that I had to experience this firsthand in order to learn the importance of waiting for sex within the boundaries of marriage. Yet I do know that I am forgiven, and grace has been poured over me. My past sin has been erased, and I am clothed in pure white before God.
I still struggle with being a sexual creature; I am still tempted, and I will admit that I have fallen to that temptation even after God has shown me the truth of my actions. I share that honestly with you because there are so many of us who are now divorced and trying to navigate this new world of relationships. It is a difficult path, but with God’s strength in helping us, it’s not impossible.
-Katie Smith, 33, British Columbia, CA
Much love Katie!!!! I really admire your transparency and honesty. I have no doubt you will find the man right for you. Never give up, never surrender!!!!
Thank you Jen!
Thank you for sharing Katie. I relate so much.
I’m glad you appreciated it Jennifer. I hope it gave you some encouragement!
Me too!!Thank you for being so real. Thank you for being honest. Thank you!
I can’t tell you what it has meant to me to read this post and know I’m not alone in my struggles.
You’re so welcome Nicole! I’m so glad you found it encouraging! Please feel free to find me on FB @bringgtg where I share more of my heart and testimony along these lines. You’re in my prayers!
Yes, and yes. Over and over again.Thank you, Katie, for your vulnerability with breaking the barrier, putting words to difficult words that need to be said.
Thank you for your words Tyler, I really appreciate your encouragement!
Thank you for sharing. This is so true. It is discouraging when you can’t be in a relationship that is serious for marriage as a Christian.I think this is what the enemy had planned. But I have seen the Lord bless it’s just the waiting and not knowing when and having to trust God to work it out for His will.
So true Lucy! Satan loves divorce and the confusion and hurt it causes. God is so full of grace and gentleness, He has a plan for our hurt and will turn evil into victory!
I share the same story. I have been focused upon the Lord for 4 years noe & the growth is amazing. I know at the right time the Lord will fulfill the desires of my heart of sharing true intimacy with a Godly man.
Wow Sherry! Good for you for staying strong and pursuing God. He is so good and will fill your voids while you wait for His plan to unfold.
I have thought many times that this topic needs to be addressed. You said it perfectly though the lens of our true struggles and of grace and forgiveness. I have brainstormed ways to discuss this but honestly sometimes it’s easier to just isolate from the subject and keep it hidden. But that’s exactly what the enemy wants. Thanks for your boldness.
Thank you for your encouragement Jessica! This is such a tricky topic to discuss, I do understand that. But being honest with our past and allowing God to be our voice-box is bringing light to the dark places and exposing the truth. I’ll be praying for you in your walk in this!
Thank you! I never find anything in this moral revolution stuff that relates to me. This is almost exactly what I have been through! Been struggling to stay pure for 8 years and have my temptations too. I wish there was more out there for those men and women in out position.
I’m glad you found it helpful! I will be working on putting more of my writing out there. Helping divorcees in this situation is a huge passion of mine!
Every single word is absolutely tru! This has been an absolutely painful time in my life! Thank you for the honesty!
You’re welcome Lori. Surrendering to God and his plan for our relational status is so powerful, although not always easy.
This was very timely and I feel it was something that was needed right now for so many of us to hear, and have more clarity on. Whether it’s divorce, or the loss of a spouse, or just singleness. Since we say we believe The Word then asmy Pastor has said:”The same Grace that saved us,also empowers us to overcome.”Thank you 😊
I’m glad you found my writing timely, Robin. I definitely agree, it is a topic that needs to be covered more consistently in the Christian community. You can check out my FB page for more of my testimony and links to my writing on this topic @bringgtg.
So, so good! Thank you for sharing, Katie.
Thank you Amy!
Thanks for speaking up! Look how many of us can relate! I went down that wayward path as well. We learn from pain don’t we…and yet God’s grace is overwhelming. Our second chance (marriage, kids, life…) will be a testimony to His goodness…and proof that He knows the desires of our hearts! Our story is always for someone else’s sake once it’s been redeemed. Keep up the encouragement and don’t stop challenging people around you!!!
I cannot wait for my second chance at the married life and living passionately for the Lord within it! I’m so glad you enjoyed this article. Thank you so much for your encouragement!
I walked down the same path you described you never thought you would after divorce. I never thought it would happen to me after the divorce which I also never thought would ever take place in my life as a Christian my whole life.I was crying out to Jesus silently tonight and said your blood washed me clean but the world will never see me the same. And, your story spoke to my heart. I am going to let Jesus carry me. Maybe in Him I might still have a second chance. Now, I have hope with others whom have been down this path but longing to be restored. Jesus, restore us. Thank you from my heart for sharing your story. Hope in Him.
Stacy, I have a huge passion for marriage restoration. I’m going to spend some time praying for you tonight! Don’t give up, my girl! God has a plan!
I never thought I would experience the same path you described after my divorce. As a Christian my whole life it’s just too hard to except such a life style I would ever experience. Tonight as I was crying out to Jesus in my brokeness your story gave me so much hope. Thank you.
I’m so happy you found hope in my words Stacy! I’ll be praying for you and your journey!
Bless you Katie. Thank you for sharing your message.
After over 6 years of abstinence, I craved human contact. A hug, an arm around my shoulder. At this point, my hormones had also revved way up. Nonetheless out of a desire for non-sexual touch, I found myself becoming good friends with a guy who also has touch as his love language. After a few months, I gave into the temptation I’d been avoiding for over 6 years. A few months later, we went back to being just friends. A few months after that, I gave into temptation with the same guy again. I’ve now been abstaining again for over 2 years. I find it gets easier over time. I felt like I was going crazy abstaining the first few months. Setting good boundaries with men has helped me stay pure.
I completely understand that part of your journey Janna! It’s such a difficult part of being divorced. It’s definitely something God is still helping me through! Keep going, He has a plan for us and can fill this void you’re feeling!
Boy…I feel like I have just read my story! I never thought I would be divorced either and now I find myself struggling to remain pure and abstain. I am also struggling with deep loneliness and fear of abandonment. I am so glad you wrote this. I wish “singles groups” at churches talked about this issue because there is a huge void, especially with the divorced group. No one talks about how to turn off that “tap” and go back to being “virginal”. The cat is already out of the bag and you cannot put it back in! There is no good dating tips for the divorced, especially if the church feels re-marriage is a sin. There is a deep need for this type of honestly in the post-divorce singles world.
Yes, I so wish churches spoke about this as it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with post-divorce!
Thank you for your comment!! I feel like it’s re-encouraged me to share more of my story to help those in this area! It really is a short-coming in the church, isn’t it? That’s why God has given us these stories, to help fill that lacking and help others in their paths.
Thank you!! Your story is so similar to mine. My ex and I were both virgins when we married and I was very strong in my faith at the time. I don’t regret waiting at all. We were married for 20 years but he cheated on me and basically forced the divorce although I knew it was time to release him. I’m ashamed to admit that even before the divorce had gone through, I had a rebound sexual relationship with a guy who pretended to be a friend and nice, but in hindsight, I know he just wanted one thing and he cloaked it in pseudo-intimacy. I was longing for intimacy and my sexual urges were strong because I had been deprived in my marriage for so long. Thankfully, he moved away which eliminated temptation. (He even used the Bible to convince me that sex after divorce but before marriage was okay. And I believed him.) Then, recently, I got involved with another man who pushed for the physical way too early in the relationship. I’m so, so grateful that the pastor’s wife took me under her wing and counselled me, showing how I was looking for intimacy through sex. That I should rather wait for the man to meet my other needs (including lifelong commitment in marriage) before giving myself to him sexually. I’ve since broken it off and I’m full of relief and determination to only find a true Christian man who regards purity before marriage as a priority. If we both have that standard, it will be easier to remain pure, but I know how hard it can be. It’s much harder than when I was a young, unmarried person. I really wish I hadn’t given myself to those two men. I feel sick inside – especially because of the first one as he was a real jerk, but I know that I’ve learned a very valuable lesson through all of this. I’m growing spiritually so much and I’m now dedicating my body and life to the Lord! I actually think God has used my mistakes to draw me closer to him.
God is so full of grace and redemption Leen. Feel his forgiveness and move forward in victory! And just know that there are so many Christian’s in the same boat!
Thanks so much for sharing, Katie! It has helped SO much to know I’m not alone in my struggle. It’s so tough to share this with friends and family, but this is exactly what I’ve been struggling since I got divorced. Thanks again! You’re in my prayers.
Katie, This is so so so good! Thank you for being real and vulnerable for the sake of others. I loved it! Keep writing and inspiring! XOXOXO
Hi I loved this post because I can relate. I also was married to my husband for 20 years and he cheated on me 13 out of the 20 years. I divorced him, but started a new relationship fairly quickly. It became sexual after a few months and now I wish to abstain and stay pure again. It is very difficult and sometimes overwhelming because I don’t know who to talk to about it. I told my boyfriend I wanted to start abstaining. I hope he follows through with it. Pray God will guide me and help me overcome temptation and I all away if needed. God bless
I was married twice. Before the 2nd one I was single for 12 years and sexually pure for 8. I was married for 1.5 years. We had sex before but he knew my convictions & agreed to wait. Now I’m single again for 8 years & still sexually pure …I’ve avoided rel bc men don’t care go wait so why go there. Now I’m n a rel & he doesn’t care about my convictions & desire to honor God bc it’s unheard of n this day to abstain. Your thoughts
Hi Lisa,It is rare, but it is not unheard of to abstain from sex until marriage. There are still plenty of people who live by the conviction that sex is meant for marriage. We definitely understand that it’s not an easy thing to live by this standard, but we also believe it is the best thing for your relationship and your future marriage or God wouldn’t have asked us to do it. If the person you’re with has character and is truly honoring and respectful of you, then he will respect your boundaries and your convictions even if they’re not his own. Hope this helps!
In my situation, my ex was a narcissist, emotionally abusive for a long time, almost every single day. I married him when I was a teenager and very naive.I met a man who I developed a friendship with, we became best friends then more. Through this man I began to see how a woman should be treated. He valued me as a person. We developed a very deep bond long before sex came into the picture, which was after I left my husband. That bond ties us together even when sex wasn’t involved.
I’ve not been with anyone else besides these two men.
However… I know God is calling me to abstain, to gain perspective on my relationship with Him.
But I struggle with it because I’m not into casual sex. And the emotional bond is such a strong pull.
Jesus showed me real love… He gave me a vision of Him being whipped, I was standing there, frozen. His gaze unflinching, showing me what He endured for me. I sobbed with this picture in my mind. But wow the physical desires are tough to overcome.
Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lisa,It is a difficult thing to abstain from sex, especially when you have a deep emotional connection with someone. Ultimately though, you have to decide if you’re going to trust God and the boundaries He put in place for sex or if you’re going to trust your own feelings and desires. It’s natural that you would want to have sex with someone you love. God designed it to be that way. He also designed it to be the best possible experience for us within the context of a covenant relationship where two people are committed to stay together for life. Hope this helps!
This hit the nail on the head! I am recently divorced after being married for over 30 years and I so miss intimacy. The sex of course, but the closeness of a man next to you. So, so many things…and I have not navigated dating before because I was young when I got married and then now I’m 53 finding myself upside down at times. God keeps me grounded, but I pray that God make a way for a truly Godly relationship, a Boaz.
I know this is an old article, but I stumbled along it and have it now pinned on my phone and have went back to re-read multiple times. It hits home in such a real way. It says what’s jumbled in my head and heart with my convictions and standards, but I couldn’t ever explain quite right. Thank you so much for your vulnerability, and know your words are still 4 years later helping people who are in the same shoes you were.