The questions to ask before marriage should help you understand the life you’re choosing together: your faith, family, finances, everyday expectations, and sexual relationship once married. Talk about what you actually believe and want. Clear answers now give you a more honest foundation for deciding whether to build a marriage together.
Set aside time for one topic at a time. Answer separately first, then compare without trying to give the answer your partner wants. When you disagree, ask what shaped that expectation. Write down what you understand, what remains unresolved, and what needs help from a trusted premarital counselor.
What will faith look like in our marriage?
1. What do you expect our spiritual life together to look like?
Describe an ordinary week of following Jesus once you’re married. Discuss prayer, Scripture, church, serving, and giving. Which practices do you hope to share? Which will remain personal? Saying you both want a Christ-centered marriage is a starting point; explain what that means in practice.
2. Which theological or moral convictions would be difficult for you to compromise on?
Name your core convictions and distinguish them from preferences. Talk about church, sexual integrity, alcohol, spiritual gifts, and how you would teach children about faith. Identify where you can respect a difference and where you need shared direction before making a covenant.
3. What happens if one of us goes through a season of struggling with faith?
Consider doubt, disappointment with God, or feeling spiritually disconnected. Ask what support would feel helpful and who you would turn to for wise counsel. You can’t predict every difficult season, but you can discuss how to remain honest when faith feels hard.
What are we bringing from our families?
4. What did your parents’ marriage teach you that you’re likely to repeat?
Talk about the relationships you grew up around, whether or not your parents were married. Notice patterns in conflict, affection, apologies, and responsibilities. Each name one thing you want to carry into your future marriage and one pattern you want to change.
5. How involved do you expect our families to be in our marriage?
Get specific about visits, holidays, advice, and privacy. Would relatives drop by your future home without asking? What would you share with parents after a disagreement? Discuss how you’ll respond together if a boundary is ignored while making room for safe outside support.
6. Do you want children, how many, and what do you imagine parenting looking like?
Be honest about desire, uncertainty, and timing. Discuss parenting values, discipline, education, and how work and caregiving might fit together. Plans can change, but don’t treat a difference about having children as something the wedding will resolve. Bring unresolved differences into premarital counseling.
What do we expect from money?
7. How much debt do you have, and what is your plan to pay it off?
Put actual numbers into the conversation. Discuss balances, payments, and the habits behind the debt, along with existing financial commitments. Ask what the repayment plan would mean for your first years of marriage. Make room for honest disclosure without shaming each other.
8. Once we’re married, will our money be combined, partly combined, or separate?
Explain what you picture and why. Talk about who will handle bills, how you’ll make spending decisions, and how both spouses will understand the household finances. One person’s strengths may shape the practical arrangement; both people still need clarity and a voice.
9. What standard of living do you expect in our first five years of marriage?
Compare expectations about housing, travel, work, giving, and saving. What would you willingly postpone? Where do you imagine living? Describe a realistic first year and the tradeoffs you’re prepared to make, rather than assuming your partner shares the future you’ve pictured.
What will everyday life look like once we are married?
10. What do you imagine a normal weekday in our marriage looking like?
Walk through a day from waking up to bedtime. Include work, meals, exercise, time with God, and evenings together. You may discover that one person expects a shared dinner every night while the other pictures a more flexible routine. Say those expectations out loud.
11. What household responsibilities do you expect each of us to handle?
Discuss cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, bills, appointments, and future childcare. Include who notices and remembers what needs doing. Plan for your future home using your expected schedules and capacity, then agree to revisit the arrangement after the wedding as you learn what works.
12. How much time do you expect us to spend together and separately?
Talk about alone time, friendships, hobbies, and weekends. One person’s restful Saturday might be another person’s lonely afternoon. Describe what helps you recharge and feel connected, then discuss how you’ll make room for both without treating either person’s needs as a problem.
What should we discuss about sex before the wedding?
We recommend saving these more detailed conversations for engagement, with guidance from premarital counseling. Keep the focus on preparing for sex within marriage, with honesty and boundaries that honor your commitment.
13. How often do you expect us to have sex once we’re married?
Share your expectations without turning a hoped-for frequency into an obligation. Discuss how you’ll communicate desire, disappointment, and changing needs with care. Neither person should feel pressured. You’re beginning a conversation you’ll continue throughout marriage, rather than setting a permanent schedule.
14. Have you struggled with pornography, and what does that look like today?
Go beyond whether someone has ever seen pornography. Discuss current patterns, honesty, accountability, and any support already in place. If the struggle is ongoing, talk about the steps being taken now. Marriage should never be the plan for making an unresolved struggle disappear.
15. What from your sexual history do I need to know before we marry?
Focus on what affects trust, expectations, and your future relationship. Honesty doesn’t require graphic descriptions or comparisons with past partners. Agree on respectful boundaries, and seek qualified support when the conversation involves trauma or pain. Respect each other’s pace with painful details, while being honest before marriage about information that affects the other’s safety or decision to marry.
What expectation have we left unspoken?
16. Is there something about me you’re secretly hoping will change once we’re married?
Give each other room to answer honestly. If your yes depends on a different future version of your partner, explore that concern in Should You Marry Someone Hoping They Will Change?
Before you finish, choose one next step: clarify an answer, make a practical agreement, or bring an unresolved concern to counseling. Our guide to Premarital Counseling: The 4 R’s to Remember can help you prepare for that process. Leave enough room in your timeline to act on what you learn.
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Related Reading
- Should You Marry Someone Hoping They Will Change?
- Premarital Counseling: The 4 R’s to Remember
- What Married Christian Women Wish They Knew Before Getting Married
Frequently Asked Questions
When should Christian couples start these conversations?
Start discussing faith, family, money, and daily expectations as the relationship becomes serious, ideally before engagement. Save more detailed sexual expectations for engagement and premarital counseling. You don’t need to cover everything in one sitting.
Do we need to agree on every answer before getting married?
No, but you need to understand your differences and whether you can freely build a shared life with them. Core convictions and major decisions, such as having children, deserve honest resolution rather than an assumed change of heart.
Can these questions replace premarital counseling?
No. Use them to prepare for deeper conversations with a trusted counselor. A counselor can help you explore patterns, clarify disagreements, and consider concerns you may struggle to see on your own.
