I never learned about love and intimacy and being romantic, nor to love my wife as Christ loved the church. If my parents taught me about that kind of love, I missed it. I heard about love and intimacy and being romantic to objectify females and allow me to seek out sexual gratification. The adult entertainment industry has been in my life since I was approximately 4 years old. From the age of 10 until a week before I graduated with my degree in Biblical Counseling (May 15, 2010), my parents owned an adult book store.
I was the cool guy; the “go to guy” for condoms, etc. Even had teachers in junior high jokingly offer me higher grades if I provided them with an item from my parents store. At the age of 19 I worked there for a year and was exposed to much more than I had ever expected. I had a hard time maintaining long term relationships, seeking out sexual gratification from every female I met or dated. I made it a point to count all my sexual encounters; often forgetting their names and the fact that they had emotions and feelings that I took for granted.
I have been married 4 times, with my current marriage of 14 years. I have been a Christian since 2006 and I love the Lord with all my heart, yet I struggle with internet pornography. I seek it out more than being intimate with my wife. She has caught me and I have sought forgiveness, yet I haven’t repented. This is part of my fight of giving up everything and submitting to God. I have a lack of trust from my youth, still hold a grudge against my step-dad for his alcoholism, and the fact that he physically abused me and I am mad at my mom for not protecting me. I share this for the youth and for the young adults and adults my age or older who still struggle.
There is a reason for everything and there is a reason for God. My struggle continues, because I have allowed my prideful nature to reject all help and this has led to a dysfunctional marriage and family. I never thought that pornography would have any type of effect on me as I grew up, because I was sexually active, yet it has. Even more STD’s are a result of my lifestyle and something I will have with me for the rest of my life. God, nothing is too great for You to handle. Break us down and allow us to see Your glory. Tell us that we can live without these habits and hangups. Speak to our hearts and teach us that intimacy is in the heart and soul, not the sexual organs. Romance is for love, not seeking sexual gratification. Lord, I ask for forgiveness for those feelings I disregarded and fill my heart with conviction and the desire to repent and never look back at this sinful desire. Let me be one of your disciples to get this message out to others and to teach them Your way is the right way and there is no other satisfaction than an intimate relationship with You. In Jesus’ beautiful and glorious name, AMEN.
I pray for everyone who has posted here and who hasn’t. Know that you came to this site for a reason. It is HARD to write here and open yourself up not only to God, but to total strangers, yet remember we are all brothers and sisters in Christ and came here for help and support. Pray out to God for strength and direction. I pray for every visitor, whether the one who struggles, the spouse or significant other of the one who struggles, the victims of sexual abuse and those who are the abusers. Seek God and He will give you shelter. Your testimony is the beginning of healing and restoration. May your heart be heavy no more and may your walk with be more Christ like.
