QUESTION
How do I move forward in my marriage? I have been married for 23 years and there has always been a third in our lives: porn! Any way he can get it, he would, and the Internet has opened up the biggest hurt. When he gets caught he is sorry, but I’ve reached breaking point.
SEX THERAPIST’S ANSWER
Being married to someone who struggles with porn is so painful – I am so sorry that this has been your experience for 23 years! But let me tell you, there is hope!
The best thing you can do to move forward in your marriage is to be in a group yourself that is for partners of sex addicts. I am not saying that your husband is a sex addict because I don’t know him, but the tools that you will learn there and the support you will receive will be helpful to you regardless.
Many wives think, “Why do I need to be in a group when it is his problem?” That is understandable. But as you unfortunately know, his problem really has affected you. And you have been affected for a really long time.
What we are finding out is that spouses of sex addicts frequently have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) just like the soldiers coming home from a war zone. The spouse has been traumatized and needs to get help to heal. The checking behaviors and hypervigilance that we used to label codependence we now are seeing as related to trauma and feeling unsafe – when the trauma is dealt with, those behaviors stop. So for many years, spouses felt like they got either overlooked and all the focus was on the addict or they got blamed as having their own addiction and were co-addicts.
Getting help for yourself will get you in a place of strength where you are more empowered to make good decisions for yourself and for your marriage. You are the only one that you can change – if you could have changed your husband, I’m betting you would have done that long ago!
So really the only thing you can do is to work on yourself and getting yourself in a place of strength. If there is not a group in your area for spouses of sex addicts, then join an online one. There are multiple ones available. I would also suggest a couple of books:
Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser
Mending a Shattered Heart by Carnes
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Steffens and Means
There are many others out there but these are the ones I usually recommend first. I pray that your husband will get the help he needs to get well. But whatever happens, you can do what you need to do to help yourself move forward.
It is not easy but it is so worth it!
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My husband struggles with a porn addiction and I feel like it is my job most of the time to believe in him, trust him and not be closed off, because if I am hurt and closed off, then it will make him feel bad about himself and he will mess up even more! Reading this made me realize I am denying my own needs! I have been traumatized! I have seen the things he looks at and it has scared me! I want our marriage and our sex to be filled with intimacy and trust, but it can’t be when I am afraid all the time of getting hurt! Reading this has helped me decide to take a step and talk to someone.
My husband has had a porn addiction for most of our marriage of 18 years. I caught him many times and literally could feel it when he was really in it. We’ve had six kids together and I have done very well at keeping myself thin and looking very nice for him. But in the end I don’t really feel like that really ever mattered since it actually was his problem and not anything to do with me. The pressure was very hard and stressful to take for so long. Someone I was having some therapy with in the last couple years mentioned that I have PTSD which I now get and understand. I’ve been pretty traumatized. I have been struggling to keep our boys from getting into it as well because I see what it’s done to me and our marriage and I hate for that to be a part of their lives. I feel like I’m single parenting in this area. At this point I’m doing my best to take care of me and deal with my issues. My husband says he’s been off porn for about a year, but it is so hard to trust someone who’s broken your trust over and over in a marriage. Sadly marriages don’t work without trust. This is a very good article, and I’m glad to see more people talking about the effects it’s having on women and the PTSD part. Thank you.
We have been married for 28 years. We had ups and downs and are unfortunately not sexually active anymore due to problems both sides BUT it has not been a problem for any of us. On 23rd I had an urge to look at my hubby’s phone. Doesnt always happen but I looked and 1st thing I saw was porn. His friends share the porn via WA to him. He says it is perfectly normal for any man to be active in porn. He agrees its an addiction but argue it is normal & most men do porn. We are Christian & he uses David where he danced naked as argument that Biblical men also partook in pirn. I feel angry sad upset heartbroken betrayed dirty etc etc. He says I and my couzen are the ONLY woman he knows that reacts to negatively around porn. Hevsays I judge him too harshly. Indicates that others with porn addictions move on & are huge success stories & I must be careful because I will not move forward yet he will. I can not pray or go to church with my hubby. I missed 24 & 25 Dec Church Services yet my husband went to church. He says he us a sinner he knows thats why ge sits at the back in church. He says he is not ashamed & will not ask forgiveness from me as there us no need to do so. Why can I not just forgive & accept that it is now part of our lives?Thank you
Hi Wilma,It is completely normal for you to be upset that your spouse looks at pornography. There are many women who feel the same way you do about it. There’s actually an entire website dedicated to helping people understand the harmful effects of pornography if you want to look at it: https://fightthenewdrug.org/. They may have some helpful articles for you to read as well. Hope this helps!