How To Say You’re Not Interested: A Woman’s Perspective

Sloane Wilson

Dating, Single Life

We’ve all been there – maybe it was in person or over the phone, but we’ve heard the question, “Can I take you on a date sometime?” Instantly we panic. How do we let them down gently without sounding like a jerk? Is a friendship possible if we say ‘no’? If we just ghost them out, will that solve the problem? Let’s look at some ways to speak your mind confidently without sacrificing kindness.

Be Honest

The man’s goal in asking us out is for us to say ‘yes’. When it doesn’t work out that way – they may be pretty bummed or upset, but that’s okay. It’s not our job to say ‘yes’, or come up with an elaborate story of why we’re unable to go – in order to make the situation less awkward. We have just as much of a right to politely say ‘no’ as they do to politely ask us out. Also, we need to understand that it will not destroy them if we say ‘no’ to a date. They are powerful, they will move on, they will find love. We don’t have to put so much pressure on ourselves to be the “one” for them!

Don’t: Lie and say you’re not in a season to date when you are. Or say you’re in a relationship when you’re not. Or say that you’re too busy for a relationship when you know it’s not true.
Do: Own up to the fact that you’re not interested. You’re capable of communicating your opinion without being mean. Just keep their feelings in mind. They’ll respect that more than being lied to.

“That’s so kind of you to ask me out, but I’m actually not interested. Thank you again for the offer, hope you have a good rest of your day!”

Respectfully Decline

When we’re communicating a ‘no’, we need to remind ourselves that it takes courage, risk, and a whole lot of boldness for a man to ask a woman out. So we need to be aware of how we choose to respond. Remember, how we respond says everything about us and nothing about them. Meaning, if they respectfully ask us out and we respond rudely, or make a joke about them behind their back – it reveals our character, not theirs. Sounds harsh, but it’s true. It’s moments like this that we get to choose the kind of woman we want to be. Will we be the one who walks in integrity and respects the opposite sex? Or exposes them? Remember that respect attracts respect, so if you plan on having a relationship one day, now is the time to learn how to honor the men around you! You got this!

Don’t: Give a pity date if you’re not into him.
Do: Respect your heart and his. If saying ‘yes’ to another date makes you uncomfortable, let him know you’re not interested! If you genuinely want friendship, work out some clearly defined boundaries. That could mean holding off on deep conversations for a bit to avoid building an intimate emotional connection. Or maybe just sticking with group hangouts. Boundaries give you both freedom! You probably also really care about him, so make sure you give the space he needs to pursue someone who will pursue him back.

“I enjoyed our time together, but moving forward I’d love to remain friends.”

Be Very Clear

Never leave someone in a place that causes them to second guess where they stand in relationship with you. If you’re not wanting friendship and you’re certain you don’t want a relationship – make sure you’re not giving him false hope and leading him on. Practically, that looks like having the hard conversation and being clear about your intentions. At the end of the day, you’re worth building a relationship with someone you’re actually interested in. Don’t settle just because it’s easier!

Don’t: Ghost. Meaning, you suddenly stop responding to their messages and hide anytime you see them. (Don’t lie, we’ve all been there!) Men hate ghosting as much as women do!
Do: Be direct about how you’re feeling. If they’re not hearing you and continue to bombard you with messages after you’ve clearly communicated, then feel free to block them. You don’t owe them a thing!

“I had fun getting to know you, but because I respect you so much, I’m going to be up front. I just don’t feel like we’re a good match. Thank you for understanding, I’m sure we’ll see each other around!”

I’ve got a few questions for you as we wrap this up: Is there a fling that you’ve continued in because you didn’t have the words to end it? Is there someone you’re avoiding in hopes that the whole situation will disappear? What would it look like if you decided to be honest with yourself and end it? It might take some courage, but in the long run – you’ll be proud of yourself and your heart will thank you for it. Dating is meant to be a season of discovery, and the reality is, you can’t marry everyone! There’s going to be some “no, thank you’s” along the way, but it makes the “yes, I do” a lot more valuable!


Sloane Wilson joined the Moral Revolution team at the beginning of 2018 as the Administrator. She has completed three years at the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry as well as interning and volunteering in the BSSM environment. Her heart’s cry is to see sons and daughters no longer bow to fear but fully embrace the John 10:10 life of abundance that Jesus paid for. She holds the core value that healthy relationships and family are the keys to sustainable revival and has dedicated her life to releasing that message. 

6 Responses to “How To Say You’re Not Interested: A Woman’s Perspective”

  1. Brandon Schraven

    This is one of the best, most practical and most honoring blogs published on this subject that I have ever read. As a guy, it means a lot to be treated with respect by a woman, especially if the romantic interest isn’t mutual. Being turned down isn’t really a big deal, but to have a woman still remember that you are a son of God, and treat you as such even if she isn’t into you is a very powerful demonstration of a woman’s maturity and character. I’ve always appreciated clear and direct communication, and I really believe that if a man is confident and mature, he can handle being turned down respectfully without being upset.

    Sloane, I think you did a great job of putting into words ways to practically apply and practice respect between men and women in this context. Just wanted to let you know it’s appreciated. I think this blog is a valuable addition to the Moral Revolution website.

  2. THIS IS SO GOOD! Thank you for giving us language for the things we don’t know how to explain! I’m definitely the ghost 👻
    After my first date with him, I told him that I’d rather be friends, but ever since I’ve been sending very mixed signals – the reason is because I’m looking for love and identity outside of God, which is horrible! Messes me up all the time! I just don’t know what to say to him.. he is very confused 🙁

  3. A month ago, I went to a girl that I already meet before a couple of times and ask her if she would like to have lunch and just to hangout as friends, but as well I told her upfront that I was interested on her, can’t be more straight than that :D, while I was talking to her she always looked at me (kind of) over her shoulder, didn’t stop enough to establish a tiny conversation and after I spoke my mind, kind of she laugh a little bit and her answer was using the lovely christian way: “oh, let me pray about it and I will let you know” (and started walking faster away) with no chances of asking for a number, and email or at least about where to look for the smoke signals!. At the end, while I am standing right there at the parking lot, drying my sweaty hands because the tiny anxiety I had before asking, with the sun hitting hard on me and seeing her walking away, I just laughed hard at me and said “boy, she is not into you for sure”. – What a waste of energy, it requieres courage to face rejection at any level certainly. – by the way, I approached to her after praying and asking God for direction, is she the one? – it was an act of faith. – oh I don’t think I will ask her out again.

  4. Girl this is so real and SO important. This empowered me and reminded me of key truths and phrases. You better preach about that “fling we hold on to” because i see and have done that so much. SO good. you slay

  5. Melissa DeLay

    This is a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your insights. Here’s one more option for your readers to consider:

    “Hi {Ben}, yes I had a really good time too! I’m certain we’d have a blast at [karaoke]. However, because I didn’t sense enough of a connection between us for a romantic pursuit, I regretfully have to decline.”

  6. Tammy Cain

    I really appreciate the advice you are giving to women in this and I believe it is so deeply needed to respect men and ourselves in honesty. I need to be honest in this too:

    “We’ve all been there – maybe it was in person or over the phone, but we’ve heard the question, “Can I take you on a date sometime?””

    I have not heard those words, incase I am not the only woman on this planet that has not. I want to encourage others it is possible to respect and love who men are, and to love who you are as a woman even if you are not asked out. If you are single and not getting hit on, it is okay, it does NOT mean you are unattractive it may mean you are being called to something very wonderful (Matthew 19:12 & Isaiah 56:4-5)

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