There is no set timeline for healing after a breakup. It depends on the depth of the relationship, your personality, and whether you're actually facing the pain or just running from it. The fastest path through grief isn't around it. It's straight through it, like a buffalo running into the storm.
Why Do Grief Timelines Not Work?
On the Let's Talk About It podcast, Abram Goff put it bluntly when asked how long it takes to get over a breakup: "However long you take." There's no six-week rule. There's no formula. Every relationship carries different weight, and every person processes differently.
What matters isn't the number of weeks. It's whether you're actually doing the work of grieving or just avoiding it. Throwing yourself into work, ministry, or a new relationship might feel productive, but it's just running parallel to the storm. The pain catches up eventually.
What Is the 'Run Toward the Storm' Principle?
Abram shared a fact about buffaloes that changed the way he thinks about grief: buffaloes are one of the only animals that run toward a storm instead of away from it. Why? Because running into the storm means you experience it for the least amount of time. Running away from it means it chases you.
Grief works the same way. When you face the pain head on (cry, journal, talk to someone, sit in the discomfort), you move through it faster. When you stuff it down, numb it with distractions, or pretend you're fine, you're just extending the storm. Five years from now, that unprocessed grief will still be sitting inside you, waiting for a trigger.
What Are You Actually Grieving?
It's not just the person. Abram referenced a neuroscientist who explained that a breakup involves grieving the entire future you had imagined. The trips you planned. The holidays together. The life you were building in your head. All of that dies when the relationship ends, and it needs to be mourned, not glossed over.
That's why breakups can feel disproportionately painful. You're not just losing a person. You're losing a version of your future. And until you let that version die, you can't build a new one.
What Does Healthy Healing Actually Look Like?
Let Yourself Feel
This sounds obvious, but most people skip it. Alley Vallotton emphasized that allowing your emotions to surface is the foundation of healing. Whether you process verbally with a friend, through journaling, or even through something as raw as screaming into a pillow, the internal world needs an outlet. If it stays inside, it stays stuck.
Have a Plan for How You'll Process
Don't just hope you'll heal. Be intentional about it. Know who you're going to call when the pain hits at 10 PM. Know where you're going to write when the memories surface. Know what you're going to do instead of texting them. A plan turns grief from something that happens to you into something you walk through on purpose.
Don't Stay in the Cave Too Long
There's a season for pulling back, sleeping more, and giving yourself grace. But if that season stretches indefinitely, you're not grieving anymore. You're hiding. Go see a movie with friends even if you're sad. Do the things that bring you life so you have energy to go back and process again. Rest and re-engage. Rest and re-engage.
Get Into Community (Not Just Counseling)
Professional help is valuable, but don't underestimate the power of friends who know your story and can sit with you in it. You need people who will let you be honest about how much it hurts without trying to fix it or fast-track your healing.
How Do You Know When You're Ready to Date Again?
There's no magic number. But there are some indicators. When the memories of that relationship come up and they don't sting like they used to, that's a sign. When you can think about your ex with gratitude instead of bitterness, that's growth. When you're not looking for someone new to fill the hole the last person left, you're getting close.
The biggest red flag that you're not ready? You're still making identity statements based on the last relationship. "I'm not good enough." "I'll never find someone." "I must be the problem." Those aren't truths. They're wounds that haven't healed yet. Address them before you bring them into the next relationship.
Keep Learning
Every week, we break down the conversations the church avoids.
Get them straight to your inbox.
Listen to the full episode: Spotify | Apple Podcasts
Related Reading
- How to Break Up Well: A Step-by-Step Guide for Christians
- What to Say (and Not Say) When Someone Comes Out As Gay
- The 3 Hidden Drivers of Porn Addiction (And Why Willpower Alone Won’t Work)
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
There's no standard timeline. It depends on the depth of the relationship, how you process emotions, and whether you're actively facing the grief or avoiding it. What matters more than the number of weeks is whether you're doing the work: feeling the pain, talking to people, and letting go of the future you imagined with that person.
Why does the breakup still hurt after months?
Because you might be grieving more than just the person. You're grieving the future you imagined, the routines you shared, and the identity you had in that relationship. If the pain is persistent, it may also mean there's unprocessed emotion that hasn't been fully expressed yet. Revisit your healing plan and make sure you're actually facing it, not just waiting for it to fade.
Is it okay to still love someone after you break up?
Yes. Love doesn't evaporate the moment a relationship ends. It's possible to love someone and still know the relationship isn't right. That tension is painful, but it's not a sign you made the wrong decision. It's a sign you cared deeply, and that's not something to be ashamed of.
