QUESTION

My boyfriend and I are talking a lot about sex and I also have a lot of sexual thoughts. I feel guilty about it because I don’t think it is what God would like. How normal is this?

SEX THERAPIST’S ANSWER

It is hard to really answer your question because I don’t know what you would consider “too many sexual thoughts”. It is normal to have sexual thoughts and depending on your age and gender, you can have lots of them! Thinking about sex is part of having a sex drive. What is important is what you do with those thoughts – you want to manage them as a part of managing your sex drive. That way you are in control instead of feeling like your thoughts are in control. So let me ask you some questions in that context.

Does talking about sex a lot with your boyfriend help you to manage those sexual thoughts or is it making it harder?

What can happen when we talk about sex a lot is that it actually stirs up more thoughts. If this is happening to you then not talking about sex as much might be a good boundary to have. This is a wisdom issue. Are you empowering yourself to live a pure life or are you actually making yourself weaker? You want to make sure that your values and your voice are being heard in your relationship. This is really bothering you. Is your boyfriend taking your concerns seriously or is he telling you it is not a big deal? It is important that you are in the drivers seat for your own life. Listen to yourself and honor your own thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom – trust it.