How Bitterness Is Stopping You From Being Asked Out

Before we start, we apologize for the title. We hope it’s the most abrasive thing that you read. In our current culture, women are constantly being bombarded with opinions and tasks to make themselves better, more beautiful, more approachable, sexier and ultimately trying to tell you to be more worthy. This is not one of those posts. We’ve been working for months trying to gather helpful insights that would actually help you get what you want – to be dating and marrying a quality man. That’s our goal.

We’ve spent countless hours pouring through blogs, comments, questions, and DMs of women expressing their hurt and frustration in the lack of movement or quality men in their dating life. We’ve spent years listening, praying, handing out tissues, and threatening to beat up men who still act like boys. This is coming from a desire and pattern to help women feel empowered and unstuck in their relationships.

What we’ve discovered is that we’ve all been lied to. Women have been taught their beauty is lacking and no one really wants them. You’re not desirable… unless you get the makeup, wear less clothing, give your body, flirt outside of your comfort zone or become someone different than who you are. Lies. Men, in the same sense, have been told they don’t have what it takes. They’re not big enough, strong enough, manly enough, smooth enough, make enough, outgoing enough, charismatic enough, etc. The list of lies continues on both sides pushing us away from each other. Our unrestored selves tend towards passivity for men and control for women causing greater wounds in the other gender.

As a man, let me first apologize on behalf of all men. We have not handled ourselves well. We have run and hidden in fear when you needed us to stand up and protect you. We have chosen ambiguity in our relationships rather than bravely understanding our own emotions and communicating them. We have often sexualized you – reinforcing the lie that your worth only comes from your sex-appeal. We have not acted like men – but boys who were scared, lazy, and uncontrolled. I am truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness for the males in the past that have hurt you. I also apologize for the males in your past that have treated your friends, sisters, and mothers poorly – which created a false belief of how men are supposed to be.

When pain from the past goes unresolved and unhealed, it leads to self-protective measures and often bitterness. We make accusations and judgments against the other gender and consciously or subconsciously create walls and space between us. So how is this pain causing us from getting what we want? What do we do about it? How do we take steps forward?

Lean into the heartache but don’t stay there.

Your heart is worth the investment to be whole. When we don’t revisit the hurts caused by a few individuals, we lump the whole group together and place the target on them. When we’ve had four or five men treat us poorly, we assume all men can’t be trusted. Unfortunately, if we don’t work through this, we create a distaste in our mouth for our husband (or future husband) and even for our male children. It is vital that you forgive men for how they’ve hurt you. Lean into the heartache and do what’s needed to work through it. Be careful that you don’t make a moment a season, or a season an identity. Many of you were the victim, but you are not trapped as the victim for the rest of your life.

Find good safe men to be around to redefine the idea of men.

Subconsciously, your view of men could be stuck between the jerks who have hurt you in the past and the love interest in the romantic comedy. Remember, men in romantic comedies are often a made-up character created to hit all the sweet spots in a women’s psyche. Men in real life aren’t always like that.

Find good single men that you’re not interested in, to learn how they function and what they dream about. Talk to your friends’ husbands and ask questions about how they function and treat their wives. Talk to wives about how their husbands treat and pursue them. Watch how a grandpa acts and treats his family. Watch the little boy play tag or stop to help the little girl.  Let yourself relearn that this is how a man could be so that your heart softens towards them.

Be a champion of men (even the ones you’re not interested in).

A woman’s deepest question is “if she is desirable”. A man’s deepest question is “does he have what it takes – specifically to please a woman”. (Note: it’s not to get a woman but to satisfy her.) He’s not just trying to attain her – but to cultivate, grow, develop and satisfy her. We’re also a bit ignorant and can feel overwhelmed as to how to do that. It’s like a combination lock that we’re blindly trying to feel out. When a woman is verbally affirmative and encouraging of men, she is sending out waves of appreciation that invite them to come and explore. They won’t get shot or electrocuted when trying to woo her, because she believes in men and believes they want to do their best. If a woman is bitter or critical of men, then it’s sending out signals that she will be hard to please and you better get it exactly right or there will be negative repercussions.

Social media comments, singles pages, and group settings have become an increasing place for dating philosophies and discussions. Unfortunately, we’ve noticed a growing trend that’s not helping you get what you want. A woman’s struggle in dating is often met with a flood of support and encouragement:  “you got this girl!” and “you’re so worthy.” A man’s struggle is often met with a greater list of to-do’s or things-to-try which usually come with a side of frustration. This causes men to be silent and step away from the conversation and the group (where you’re actually trying to meet men).

Can I be really really honest for a moment? This hurts to say, but know that my desire is for you to get what you want: When a man hears or reads your frustration towards men, he feels attacked, disrespected, and assumes that the woman speaking will be really complicated. He starts mentally separating from these women because they seem unpleasable or angry. So if you’re unloading your pain on social media or in large groups settings, but wondering why you’re still single – it’s because men are experiencing you as angry, bitter, and unpleasable. Ouch. This is probably not your goal.

The problem is still the same, but here’s some useful language to help on social media or in groups to inspire men to step up : “I believe in you. You’re a good man. Great job pursuing that girl even though she turned you down. I (us women) really appreciate when a man is bold and takes a risk. We know it’s scary. My friend’s husband did such a great job expressing love to her when he (fill in the blank). I went on a date a few months ago and although he was nervous and had no idea of what he was doing, the guy did such a great job of making me feel safe/ asking great questions/ etc.” By using encouraging language, you are celebrating men’s efforts AND teaching them what women want at the same time. You’re letting guys know that this is the best way to pl
ease you. In other words, “I’m open to being pleased.”  

Final Note: Relationships are complex. They are made of two very unique and different organisms growing, developing, changing and coming together. I want to emphasize that if you’re single or not being asked out – it does not always mean you’re bitter.  There’s a myriad of reasons why people are single or single longer than they expected. Timing, finding the right person, being hidden for a season for a purpose, location, culture  – these are just a few of the reasons why it may not be happening right now.

We are passionate about seeing people healthy, whole and thriving in relationships. We want this to help you have great movement in your dating life until you find that special someone to marry.  We bless your hearts, your dating journey, and your ability to find the right Godly man! I promise, Godly men do still exist.

Originally posted at: abramgoff.com