Let’s be honest:
When we ask, “How do I get my needs met in a healthy way?” what we’re probably really asking is:
“How do I fulfill my sexual desire in a way that is satisfying, but not sinful?”
And if we’re really asking that, the more appropriate question is probably, “What is the real need underlying my desire for sex, and how do I meet that need in a healthy way?”
You see, as we’ve started discussing, many of our sexual desires are not actually pointing us toward sex. This desire, feeling or emotion is our body’s, soul’s, or spirit’s voice saying:”I NEED SOMETHING! HELP ME!”
To find what you need, let’s look at some thoughts that might sound familiar to you:
Example A:
“I just want to be held tonight,” is really saying:
“I SO need to be comforted right now.”
The real needs? INTIMACY, CONNECTION, COMFORT.
What is a healthy source for meeting these needs? Quality time with good friends, family, God. Maybe journaling.
Would sex meet this need? What about masturbation? Not necessarily, and certainly not in a lasting way.
Example B:
“Once I get a boyfriend, I’ll know I’m beautiful,” means:
“I need to know how significant I am. I need intimacy. I need to be seen.”
The real needs? IDENTITY and PURPOSE.
Healthy source: Relational intimacy with God and believing what He says about you.
One night stand? Porn? I’ll pass.
Example C:
“If I don’t have sex or masturbate right now, I’m going to punch something,” could very well be your body’s voice telling you:
“I’m super stressed right now, and I need some kind of endorphin rush.”
The real need? COMFORT, or could be a physical need like EXERCISE.
Healthy source: How about verbally processing your feelings of anger, frustration or disappointment with someone? Crying. Taking a good nap. Going for a run.
You tell me — what would work for you?
Click to read Part One and Part Three of this blog series.
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Wow I like this post,its touched so many aspects in my life.
What if your desire is to genuinely have the sexual tension release? I have had moments where excercise does help but others where it does not do much.
We know this isn’t a common belief, but sex is not actually a need. All of your needs can be met without having sex, or God would not have instructed us to only have sex in marriage. Sex is an easier way to meet needs for intimacy, comfort, and connection, but there are other ways to meet these needs as well. You might have to start by working on increasing your self-awareness and figuring out what your actual need is. Here is another great post about self-awareness: https://moralrevolution.com/how-self-awareness-can-interrupt-the-porn-cycle/
This is a well explained and very clear set of examples as to how many, or at least myself, feel when in certain situations. Thank you for the clarification of these ‘needs’.
“”but sex is not actually a need. All of your needs can be met without having sex, or God would not have instructed us to only have sex in marriage.””
I’m sorry, but I can’t accept this, it is contrary to all life shows us. God does many things to us that are just going to…well, for lack of a better word – suck. We just have to endure, it’s our test, it is most definitely a physical need and maybe science will find a safe way to reduce that drive in us to the point where we are only having the good loving sex of a marriage, but for now, just gotta tough it out.
There is a difference between a need and a want. We need to eat in order to survive . We don’t need to have sex. We want to, thus controlling it won’t kill you
It just makes certain aspects of your life betterLike when in a marriage
Hi, I first read this series about 4 years ago, and though these articles are simple, they gave me so much insight, that I still utilize, especially when it comes to recognizing my underlying needs and emotions I’m feeling when my body is experiencing what on the surface seems like sexual desire. The practicalities of this series of articles have stuck with me ever since. Just coming back here to say thanks!