QUESTION

Right now in my life I’m so confused. I feel like my sexuality is all over the place. I am a girl and I like girls and I like guys. I also have gender issues. I don’t want to be a girl and don’t want to be a boy. I even dress so people can’t tell my gender. I am a Christian and I know this stuff is wrong. I need advice!

SEX THERAPIST’S ANSWER

There is so much that I don’t know about your question. If I had to guess, I would say that you are in your teens. If so, that is the time that you are supposed to be deciding who you are and who you will be. This is a time when many young people try out different identities to see what fits. It can be confusing for some, especially if they have a history of trauma. For example, if you are female and you get abused, it can cause you to hate being a girl because if you weren’t female, then this would not have happened to you. Or if you are male and you get abused then you can hate your very masculinity or have a difficult time feeling masculine. In addition, right now in our culture, being androgynous is celebrated. So I can understand why this is confusing for some.

Some thoughts:

1. Is being androgynous just a way to feel unique and different at a time in life when teens like to shock and test the boundaries?

2. Does it give you a sense of power and/or does it help you hide?

3. If so, when did it start for you?

4. What was going on when you began to dress so no one would know your gender?

5. Does anyone really know who you are?

6. You appear to be hiding–do you like who you are inside apart from your sexuality?

Sometimes girls can really dislike themselves and when they look at a girl who they admire or who seems to be everything they wish that they were, they think that they are sexually attracted to that girl, when in reality, they wish that they could BE that girl. They are really sexually attracted to guys but it can feel the same and be confusing. So try to decide if this is going on for you and separate out being sexually attracted from just being attracted–they are two different things.

I would encourage you to read Kris’ book the Supernatural Ways of Royalty and begin to understand who you are. Our gender is such an integral part of who we are and who we perceive ourselves to be. Maybe you don’t think you fit the typical pattern of a female in this culture but that does not have to be a bad thing. We get a lot of our gender identity from being taught how men or women behave in our particular culture. We have a certain view of femininity but in other cultures that might be different. So it is not all ingrained behavior in being a woman, there are some behaviors that are but others are taught by what is acceptable or deemed as important in the culture. If you think that you don’t fit our particular model, it could be that we need to see women who are more like you. Knowing who God has created you to be in all your uniqueness is a part of the adventure that he has planned for you – you can celebrate who you are because he does. And we really can’t know who we are outside of knowing God. So really get to know him as the good father that he is and spend time in his presence. He delights in you and made you in his image–he particularly planned who you would be and crafted you in your mother’s womb. You are intentionally planned and desired. You are made to have purpose and meaning, to be significant and to make a difference.

If you have experienced trauma in your life, that might be making it difficult to know these things – I would encourage you to get help from someone who understands trauma and can help you to heal. You will be amazed at the difference it can make for you in helping you to celebrate who you are and to delight in your gender. It really is worth it!