Fake Dating

Anna, 27, Tennessee, US

Dating, Identity, Single Life

I’d been doing it for years, but it took me a while to realize it. One day I finally woke up to the fact that I had spent years of my life fating, or fake dating. 

I can see how the pattern developed. Growing up with brothers, I always had a natural connection with guys. They just seemed to be more relaxed about life. They accepted the world as it was, without any analyzation, suspicion, or complication. Naturally, I was flattered when men were drawn to me and wanted my attention. It wasn’t until later that it started a painful cycle.

What started out as flattery turned into empty words. Hanging out casually led to a subconscious desire for commitment. I was convinced that girls and guys could just be friends, that all the dinners for two, dancing, and spending time together didn’t have to mean anything. Deep down I started to realize I wanted something more.

After my thousandth time having a handsome guy friend take me out, kiss me, woo me, but then fail to commit to me, I finally started to believe in this thing called fating. My final breaking point came when a close male friend of mine started to show interest in me. He was at my beck and call. If I needed a cup of coffee, a dinner, or even a massage, he was my man. The only problem was…it was utterly boring. There was no chase, no mystery, no challenge!

One fateful night, as my fake- boyfriend rubbed my back, I felt the Lord speak to me and say, “This is you! This is what you do!” Shocked out of my sultry massage, I began to think about the patterns in my life. Surely all those guys in the past had liked me, and not just wanted to use me. I hadn’t gone too far over the line physically, so I had to be good, right?  I sat in denial for a few moments, but then slowly began to realize the truth. I had been giving myself not just physically, but emotionally to men for years. It took a desperate man to hold up the mirror to a formerly desperate woman, but that is where my freedom began…

Jesus started to show me I had fated my whole life, because I really didn’t know my value. I didn’t think I was worth pursuing, so I just took what I could get. I was like a starving girl, desperate for love, who’d settled for fast food hamburgers, instead of leaving room for a steak. The fake boyfriends in my life were taking the place of the man who would actually ask me out on a real date, not just use me until he found something better…

As I started this journey towards freedom, the Lord showed me that not only did I not value myself, but there was a much bigger issue. The issue was my hopelessness. At the core of my being, I did not trust the Lord. I did not believe He would do what He said He would do, and bring me a husband. If I was being totally honest, I was hopeless in the area of romantic relationships.

I had been rejected by my fake boyfriends so many times, I didn’t have any faith for a real one.

Since I didn’t trust God, I would try to make a relationship happen myself. That’s why I had dozens of men who had “fated” me, and left me broken. Let me take a step back and say men can be fake dated as well. The old saying “it takes two to tango” still rings true here. I had allowed men to fake date me. They were not the only ones to blame. As the Lord continued to uncover these root issues, it felt like the arrows that had pierced my heart were being taken out. It was painful, but the pain felt good.

As Jesus restored my heart, I started to notice other women who had fake dated. I looked around the church and saw an epidemic of beautiful, strong, spiritual women who wanted to get married, but who were still single. I realized part of the reason was because Christian guys and girls had been fake dating each other. They were getting all their emotional and physical needs met and didn’t see any reason to commit. Then the questions started to rise. What if we put an end to this fake dating? What if godly men and women learned their value in Christ, started really trusting the Lord with their love lives, and stopped getting each other’s needs met without any type of commitment?

If I could send a message to the beautiful, strong women who have found themselves in this same cycle, here’s what I would say: When you find your value in Jesus, when you trust Him with your love life, and when you realize you deserve to be pursued and not just used, something strange happens. You start attracting godly men, who recognize a woman who values not only God, but who values herself. You honor the Lord and you honor the beauty of relationships and intimacy. You start getting a real fancy dinner date, instead of a cheap make-out session. So let’s stop the fake dating (because we deserve better) and let’s go after what’s real.

-Anna, 27, Tennessee, US

26 Responses to “Fake Dating”

    • Dating in the christian world is so complicated because so, what would be the girls role in all this?. So, It means that If I like a guy, I would not have to show interest. I am very confused, I want to do things right but our emotions and heart are involved.

      • Dating in the Christian world is very complicated because as human we want the worldly relationship but we need our relationship to have the foundation of God. The girls role in this just as the guys role would be to is waiting on God, pursuing your value in Jesus before pursing your value in a man. Let the Holy Spirit guide your emotions! I don’t know what age you are but but I find myself thinking I’m 21 and I am not yet mature enough to be in the relationship that I desire to be in. I want to have the foundation of God and us pursuing Jesus together and knowing our value to Jesus to and to each other. Talk to a leader in your church. They should be able to answer to ^.^

  1. This article rings so true! About a year and a half ago I came to grips with my low expectations of men and the string of fake dating relationships I had that left me bitter and frustrated. Once I learned to begin to value myself (it’s still a process!) I was able to go out with some pretty amazing men. As of now, I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over a year and I am blown away by the depth and beauty of that relationship. Being real with yourself isn’t easy, but its so worth it in the long run.

  2. The title got me interested for sure and I didn’t know what I was getting myself into! I think the holy spirit was tugging at my heart to read this! This is an article with such truth! I think many think oh it’s just talking or it’s just dinner with just us, but realizing what your outpouring of your heart isn’t meant for just a “friend”. Your heart is meant to pour out to your life partner someone who values you.

  3. Whoah! So good. I have never thought about it this way. This was a great article, very thought provoking. I can think of a handful of people I want to share this with already! Thanks for the food for thought!

  4. This is true. For years I have called this pseudo-dating or having a pseudo-boyfriend… so it is interesting to know that there are people out there that are on the same page as me!!
    I have done this for so long – not the physical, but 100% the emotional. So much so that strangers began to refer to my friend as my husband.
    I’ve recognized this pattern in myself and have tried hard to change it.
    My question is… what are the practical differences between “fating” and real dating? What should I/we see on a tangible, practical level that will be the standard for a “real” relationship?

  5. This is some good stuff here!!! So needed in our generation for sure! But I’d love to see a follow up article or even two that discusses how to practically change this dating behavior. What does it look like to say no to those cheap offers? How can guys man up and girls woman up to a lifestyle of holy dating instead of fake dating?
    Thanks again for the article!

  6. I so needed to read this! My guy “best friend” and I were as close as close could get. He was my emotional support, and it was fake dating! Raising my standards for the next godly guy.

  7. Wow, I didn’t know how much I needed to read this. But sometimes it is good to read something to remind you that you are valued by the greatest being in heaven and earth. That you are a treasure, and that someone is out there that is searching for you, the same as you are searching for a match, that was literally made in heaven just for you. Being able to trust that God will send someone who is compatible with you. Able to trust that God is right, when he says no.
    Thank you so much for posting this.

  8. SO TRUE! The more you fall in love with Jesus, the more Jesus-like men you attract!! And THEN, He gives you the wisdom to navigate healthy dating relationships. He’ll give you His ‘yes’ or ‘no’ at every subsequent step of the way.

  9. joel kicker

    very interesting article, i have seen a number of Godly singles fall victims of “fake dating” and this is really breaking that at last the lose a lot, their lives are messed up in way that it turns out to be a life time history of pain and anguish but the lord says come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and i will give you rest……………… when we commit to the lord God including our love life, we will surely see the goodness of the lord in our relationship. remember he has good plans for each one of us, plans to prosper and give us a good future.

  10. Ginny Chapman

    So totally true! I would also love to see more on next steps! What do I do to raise my ‘standards’? I really do wonder if there are guys out there who aren’t afraid of commitment. I liked when you said another desperate man and another desperate girl. If we really feel desperate, I think that is where I have to start to face it. Face how I am not living in reality, but a fantasy that having a ‘friend’ is better than ‘nothing’. My friends all are doing this, its not just me. Wow. So many questions.

  11. I just read this after having saved it on Facebook quite a while ago. Maybe I knew it would move me to tears. Thank you for sticking a label on what I have been learning for months and what I am so excited to move beyond no matter the set-backs on the way.

  12. The problem is in my experience is that girls these days want a perfect guy. If you have a single flaw you won’t even be looked at. I can have a deep relationship with the Lord but guess what? That’s not what girls look at first. They look at appearance and with that many Godly men are turned down and lose confidence.

  13. Well, this hit home for me! I have recently realized that I have completely lost my vision of self-worth, and buried it under the facade of “dating.” I have been letting a guy friend, who I am not even dating, have privileges that only boyfriends and spouses should have… and it is slowly killing me emotionally. Every morning I wake up, and have to convince myself not to have feelings for him because we are “just friends.” I spend at least an hour every morning convincing myself not to call, text, or snapchat him, because I know that I really don’t mean that much to him. Never in a 1,000 years did I think I’d be this girl. I don’t even recognize myself. I am cutting off this pseudo-relationship, and am praying that I find my self-worth in Jesus once again. Any advice on how to tell him, as I do care about him regardless of the situation, would be appreciated.

  14. Wow! I didn’t even know this was a thing, but you put a name to it! I’ve seen so many girls as part of these pseudo-relationships, and I feel like I’ve been part of them, too. I never saw myself as the boy-crazy type, but looking back at my teenage years, even though I never actually dated anyone, I always had crush after crush, and eventually, guy friends who were meeting my emotional needs.

    Now I’m in a mostly healthy dating relationship, but holy cow, I never knew that so many others experienced this kind of relationship all the time … I guess I’m naive, but I always convinced myself that guys and girls could be friends, and whenever I saw a relationship like that, no matter how strong the evidence was that there was something more, I always convinced myself it was purely friendship. 😛

    Thank you for writing this, and it really hit me that this is a real thing, and a real issue! Thank you for so eloquently explaining this, and bringing light to it. 🙂

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