Sex, Porn, and Masturbation
*TRIGGER WARNING* As you can tell from the title, I’m going to be using words like; sex, porn, masturbation, and orgasm. If these words trigger you, I would encourage you to read this blog with someone and/or pray and invite the Holy Spirit to sit with you as you read.
Your story is too powerful not to give away. God has set us free from all types of sin and how dare we fall silent because of shame. Freedom and breakthrough comes from being vulnerable, so here is my story.
My Story
When I was a senior in high school, I started looking at porn when I would come home from school. It felt like the only thing giving me excitement in my life. I became so addicted, watching it once or twice a day. Several months went by and I decided to stop and just stick to masturbating because apparently, that was less of a sin in my mind. But when I would masturbate, all these dirty and inappropriate pictures came to my mind. I started to create fantasies in my mind, inspired by the porn I used to watch. I did this for the whole summer up until going to ministry school.
When I went to the school of ministry, I took this class called Moral Revolution. They’re an organization talking about sex, dating, marriage, and porn from a biblical perspective. The teacher, Cole Zick, was explaining how when you have sex or masturbate, you create a bond with what makes you orgasm. In other words, God’s design is for a man and a woman to orgasm together, in covenant, thus resulting in a strong and intimate bond. But I was creating a bond with the fantasies in my mind.
For example, if you’re watching porn on your phone and you orgasm, every time you pick up your phone you’ll get triggered and feel an urge to watch porn- because you created a bond with your phone. There’s a whole book on the science behind what goes on in your brain during sex. (Here’s the link) Many hormones get released in the human body during sex thus creating a powerful bond with whatever you orgasm to. After learning all of this, I decided to stop masturbating and fantasizing because obviously, I didn’t want to create a bond and attachment with these things.
What!? It was that easy?
Well, not exactly. Sure, I stopped the action of masturbating, but I didn’t fully get free… Keep reading!
Fast forward to when I met my husband and we got married. This was the first time I ever had sex- and it was amazing! But in the second week of marriage, it was getting pretty difficult for me to orgasm during sex. So I thought maybe I’ll think about the fantasies I used to have that always made me orgasm. Keep in mind, they were about other people and super inappropriate. I began to think about them while having sex with my husband and I would orgasm quickly. It felt great at the moment because I got the job done, but I didn’t feel connected or bonded with my husband. I felt guilty for not relying on him and finding my own way to orgasm whenever I wanted to.
That’s not the kind of marriage I wanted to start, definitely not the kind of sex life I wanted to have. I wanted to experience the true meaning of sex where you rely on each other to help you climax together and feel that intimate bond afterward. Later that week, I listened to a message by Havilah Cunnington about taking care of your own yard. It was about taking responsibility and caring for yourself, your needs, your own baggage, and setting boundaries for yourself. Something awoke in me and I felt the authority and power to take my thoughts captive during sex.
2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
This was my responsibility to break the habits I was creating. So that night, my husband and I had sex and when those lustful thoughts entered my mind, I would look into my husbands eyes and remind myself who I wanted to connect with. I stayed present with him and it took awhile, but I orgasmed! I laid there on the bed and I started to cry. This happened for weeks.
Kinda weird right?
While I would have an orgasm, I felt so much happen in my body that I would get emotional. To this day, I can’t tell you exactly what was happening, but I think I was getting set free from trauma and past sexual sin. I think my body was realigning to God’s design for sex. This, is what sex is supposed to feel like!! I thought to myself.
In the past, when I would engage in sexual acts, it was with guys who I didn’t trust and guys who didn’t respect me or even know me that well. But having sex with my husband who I trust, who is safe, who respects me, and loves me unconditionally, that’s a whole different experience. To this day, our sex life is awesome and he can make me orgasm within minutes. Praise God.
I learned that I subconciously created bonds with the previous guys I messed around with, as well as with the lustful thoughts in my mind. My body thought it knew what being sexually intimate felt like, and I brought those broken experiences into my marriage.
My Advice
If you’re reading this and you currently struggle with porn, masturbation, or any other sexual sin, God has a plan for you. Jesus died so that you wouldn’t have to be a slave to addiction. He took that with him to the cross so you could be free.
2 Tips for Overcoming Sexual Sin
Who is that one person in your life that scares you or intimidates you? And if you told them your deepest struggle you would probably die? Tell that person. Confess your struggle to them and see what happens. Do you really think they’ll shame you? What if they embraced you? What if they accepted and forgave you? That’s freedom right there.
Think about the last time you slipped up, what were you feeling before you gave in? Were you feeling angry, sad, bored, lonely, or rejected? Pay attention to those feelings and ask your heart what you actually need to fill that void. Maybe you need to get up and go for a walk to get your blood flowing, or maybe you need to facetime someone who will always make you laugh. (Or maybe you need to stop talking to those guys/girls who will never make you feel loved or valued, and then you go watch porn to validate your sexuality… but thats none of my business. Moving on.) There are so many healthy alternatives to feeding your heart and soul rather than feeling a high for 20 seconds and going right back to where you were before.
If you’re messing around with your boyfriend or girlfriend, I just want to say that you will never experience sex to its greatest measure until you’re in covenant with a partner who vowed to be committed to you forever. You’re only getting the crappy, cheap version of what you think sex is meant to be. But guess what? You’re not too late!
1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
If you repent and ask for forgiveness, you are clean, you are pure, you are free from addiction.
To the boy or girl who has already asked for forgiveness from their past, but maybe you still hold some trauma or a broken perspective on sex, I encourage you to talk to the Lord about it. Ask him to reveal the pain that you still hold in your heart. Another option I recommend is seeing a therapist. I think I could’ve cleaned up a lot of messes if I asked for help from someone who understands the psycholgocial effects of sex and addiction. Dr Margaret Nagib is a christian clinical psycholgist who I’ve learned from and trust. She has done some collaborations with Moral Revolution so I know that she is someone to talk to about sex or any other struggles you may have.
I also believe that our words carry power and authority, we can change atmospheres with our voices. So, I encourage you to make some declarations over your body. Put your hand on your heart, or your mind, or somewhere that feels vulnerable, and speak these things over yourself:
“Body, you are safe. You are pure. You are clean. I’m sorry for not protecting you and valuing you when I was tempted. Forgive me. When I get married, I’m going to have amazing sex because I am set free!”
Romans 8:15–16 says “And you did not receive the “spirit of religious duty,” leading you back into the fear of never being good enough. But you have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God. And you will never feel orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, “Beloved Father!” For the Holy Spirit makes God’s fatherhood real to us as he whispers into our innermost being, “You are God’s beloved child!” ”
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Denice Pickens is an alumni from Bethel School of Ministry and served Moral Revolution during her third year. She was born and raised in Canada, then met her husband when she moved to Redding, California to do BSSM. Her and her husband now live in Austin, Texas with a vision to start various ministries of their own and simply burn for Jesus together. They both have a passion to raise up the younger generation and bring them closer to their Father.
INSTAGRAM: @denicepickens