Self-Compassion: Making Peace with Yourself in Process

Compassion is often talked about in the context of helping others in need, but what does it look like directed at ourselves?

Last year was a hard year for me (let’s be honest- 2020 was a tough year for pretty much everyone). People, places and things that I had put my security in all changed as lockdowns were put in place and social distancing was the new normal. Old wounds and belief systems I had were being exposed. I really felt like my life had crumbled to pieces right in front of me, and I had no idea how to handle or process it.

Sure, I knew all the right words to say. I was really good at selling the idea that I was kind and patient with myself in processing the pain and disappointment that I felt (to others and to myself). I realized later that my self-talk told an entirely different story. Instead of encouraging, uplifting thoughts, more often my inner world consisted of thoughts like:

“We already went through this- why is it all coming back up again?”

“Come on, just get over it already.”

“Why is this triggering you? Why do you have to be so sensitive?”

“If you could just get rid of this, it would make it so much easier for everyone to be around you.”

Not the most hopeful narrative, right? This is what I've learned:

What we believe about ourselves will drastically affect our perspective on life and how we relate to ourselves and others.

Maybe as you read those thoughts, you realized you've said those things to yourself before. You might be left wondering, "okay, what do I do about it?" It can feel daunting to tackle if self-criticizing thoughts have been the norm for you! Here are some keys that have helped me grow in this area:

1. Identify the lies

Proverbs 23:7 says, "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he."

It’s so important to take time to identify any lies we may be believing about ourselves in process.

The biggest lie that I believed was that my pain and disappointment was a sin. I had no clue what it looked like to have compassion on myself for something that I believed was “wrong” or “bad.” I thought that if I could just shove it down and get over it, then I would feel closer to God and to myself. I believed I was a burden, and that my process was too much for anyone to want to walk through with me.

When we constantly feed ourselves thoughts like these, we shut down from the people around us, from ourselves and from God. One thing I’ve learned from this is that when we believe that our heart is “too much” to be worthy of love and connection, we begin this cycle of punishing our hearts for feeling pain, disappointment and any other “negative” emotion, which actually leaves no room for Jesus to come and love us in that place. Self-compassion and healing begin when we realize that we are worthy of love even in the middle of our mess and that Jesus will always want to meet us there.

2. Replace the lies with Truth

Once you’ve identified a lie you’re believing, take some time to bring that lie to the Father and ask for His truth over that place in your heart. When we identify and bring the lie to the Light, it loses any power it held over us! Declarations are so powerful with this step. I love to write out the words that God speaks over me on my bathroom mirror and speak them out loud as a reminder in the mornings. I’ve found that the more intentional I am with these declarations, the less my mind wants to go to those harsh, criticizing thoughts!
Self compassion looks like accepting what Jesus says about us and believing that we are worthy of the compassion He so freely gives to others. When we take that on as Truth, we begin to look at and treat ourselves the way Jesus does.

3. Realize that you're human (& God made you that way!)

I want you to know is that we will always be in process.

We won’t ever “arrive”, and we won’t ever be perfect. (As a fellow recovering perfectionist, I know exactly how that statement made some of you feel. We’re gonna make it, y’all.) We are beautifully human, and that’s exactly how He made us. He's not surprised by anything we do or anything we go through. Once we make peace with that truth, we can grow in confidence. We can learn to choose ourselves unconditionally, regardless of what season of life we’re in.

If there’s anything I want you to take with you, it’s this: like a child learning to walk, the Father doesn’t get angry and pressure the child to walk better before they’re able to. Father God celebrates each wobbly step, even when we fall after the first one. Our pace of growth doesn’t frustrate Him. Our process doesn’t annoy Him.

I read a quote recently that said, “any action in the direction of purpose is to be considered sacred progress.” If all you can give today is a single, wobbly step in the direction of growth, know that it is enough.

Trust that you are exactly where you need to be right now. He is leading you, and you get to choose and love yourself every step of the way, just as He has!

I promise you, one day you’ll get distance from this season and realize you were making progress each step of the way.