Protecting and Fighting for Connection
Love is powerful in choice
I distinctly remember a few months after our wedding. I had a shocking realization. Now, this didn't come because of any event or situation, but simply just sitting and pondering. This realization was that when we got married, my husband didn’t automatically become blind to other women. Shocker, right. While dating, I seemingly believed that I was all he could see. As this new revelation hit me, I began to curiously ask the Lord why he would not make us blind to others when we made covenant. I distinctly remember Him saying to me: “Hayley, love is most powerful when options abound. The power of your spouse's love is not in the lack of options, but the fact that they choose you consistently and intentionally in the face of many.”
Over the years of marriage and pastoring others in their marriage, I have pondered this many times. I have seen many couples think that marriage would be the fix to many things, that it would be the covering they needed to heal wounds and bring safety, and while this does happen the other side to the coin is that a true covenant is vulnerable. To fully reap the benefits and power of covenant we have to wholeheartedly embrace the truth that I can’t control this, or you. There is no system to create or formula that will make this come alive, I simply have to vulnerably give my love, loyalty, and choice to this person everyday and have to trust that I will receive the same in return.
Easy is not always good
I think we as humans often feel, “If it's right or good it will feel easy”. If connection was easy, we would be great at it. There wouldn’t be instagram reels and posts giving us tools and tips on how to connect with ourselves and with others. The truth is, connection is work, and when we are tired we don't want to work.
There are times when my husband and I intend to go on a date and on the drive to the restaurant we’ll have a silly argument. Often because we simply haven’t had a chance to really talk in a few days. When we get into these silly arguments I find that I have feelings of ‘wanting to go home’ or think, ‘just forget it’ because I feel stuck, and the way back to closeness feels like hard (and sometimes painful) work and that feels vulnerable. What I have learned however is that right on the other side of “this feels like hard (and painful) work” or “I want to run away” is the connection I am truly longing for. The choice to engage, to stay soft is not one that comes naturally to everyone (or dare I say anyone), it is hard work, like getting back to the gym after you haven’t gone for a while.
Relationships start with excitement, with joy and with anticipation. We feel the opportunity for love, for covering, and for connection. But often after excitement comes an opportunity for disappointment, and it's here in this place that if we can lean in and not run away or become accusatory we can truly grow.
God is our source
Our spouse is not our source of love, they are not our source of joy, God is. God is our source and our spouse is our target. Of course there are moments where we feel immense joy or love and that is a gift we get to fully receive but in the tough moments, we don't draw from our spouse but we draw from God, enabling us to love in ways we are not receiving it and give in ways we are not getting it.
Practical Keys:
I wanted to break this down into some practical steps my husband and I take in order to lean into meaningful connection. Here are some of the keys we have received:
Remember you are on the same team and articulate it.
When I start to feel like we are at odds or we can’t find each other in conversation I try to say out loud that: “we are on the same team” and that I want to work this out because we aren’t actually enemies. It might feel like you are enemies but the truth is you are co-laborers and when you hurt the other person you are actually hurting yourself.
Affirm the truth when sharing vulnerably.
There are many times in marriage that I have felt hurt by my spouse but it was not his intention. There are many times I have felt undervalued but I know that he does actually value me. It’s not easy to do when I feel hurt or frustrated but I try my best to affirm my spouse in what I know is true before I communicate what I feel. For example, I may say, “I know you love me and would never want me to feel hurt or undervalued but I noticed that I feel hurt when…” Starting out with a statement that affirms my beliefs about who I know my husband to be, I affirm the identity in him that he is loving, kind, safe, etc. After that, I bring my heart to the table by sharing how I feel or how a situation affected me. This places value on both of us, keeping us connected and on the same team.
Pointing your heart in the same direction is a good starting point.
If you haven’t had time together in a while, there is a higher likelihood that you would argue when you get time together because there have probably been a few things that have gone uncommunicated. My husband and I try to do an activity together where our hearts are pointed in the same direction. This could be coffee or lunch, watching a movie, going for a walk, but it needs to be without distractions. Our phones pull our attention and thus our focus and affection. If you are going to watch a movie, put your phone away, hold hands, let your heart lean in towards the activity you are doing together. You will be surprised what connection comes from that. There are so many times my husband is on the couch so willing to hold me and I can be busy getting something done. It is only when I truly lay the other things down and lean into what is available that I reap the benefits of his love that is available to me.
Try to avoid exaggerated or accusatory statements like: “you made..”, “you always..”, “you never..”
When I feel big feelings, I like to communicate them in a big way. I have however found that it can end up making a mountain out of a molehill when I do this. When we communicate with pointed fingers and accusatory language, like “you made me feel this way”or “you always do this,” it can make your spouse feel like they are being accused or that there is no way out. When we feel stuck, that's often when things blow up. Seek to make your communication an invitation for each other's input, this way, we can dialog in a way that both people feel seen and heard.
