Preparing for the Honeymoon Night

Disclaimer: This blog will have explicit content. We recommend reading it if you’re engaged and preparing for your wedding night and honeymoon. If you're single, reading this before you’re in a space to experience this probably won’t be helpful to keep your mind, thoughts, and heart in the season you’re in.

Culturally, the view of sex has basically been purely physical: an expression of "passion" or hormones. In reality, it's the culmination of a life long commitment to surrender your life to love and benefit the other person (and receive their love in return). This promise happens first at the altar, then is confirmed and reaffirmed over and over again in the bedroom. There are blogs and books that more beautifully articulate the weight of sex and God's intent behind it. Today, we're talking practicals of your honeymoon night. You've said "I do", celebrated, ate the cake, said goodbye and entered your bedroom with your new spouse. Now what?

Reality Check: It’s a long day.

In reality, many couples don’t have intercourse on their wedding night and sometimes not even until a few days into the honeymoon. You have had a VERY full day of hair and makeup, getting dressed perfectly, photos, smiling, ceremony, vows, reception, more smiles and photos, lots of emotions, lots of hugs, lots of expectations and experiences that are very unique to that day. By the time you get to your hotel room, it's somewhere between 8pm and 2am and chances are you. are. tired. BUT you’ve been waiting. You’ve waited this long and you don’t want to wait any longer. Cool. Just be aware that it’s been a physically and emotionally exhausting day (and probably days leading up to it) - so give yourself and your new spouse some grace and timing if things don't happen as expected. (You may not be as hard, things don't happen as quick, things happen too quickly, unexpected emotions come up, etc.)

BTW. There’s so much more to sex than just penis in vagina. I'm not talking about just emotional connection, there are many more physical things you can do too (more to come on that in a minute).

Setting Expectations:

First thing to note: you are entering into a sex life with your new spouse, not a sexual experience. We've been looking forward to the wedding night. Finally, the green light. But what that means is we've built up the expectations and anticipation of sex to hinge on the wedding night - not the years of sexual experiences you’ll build together. The wedding night is the starting point, not the defining factor of your future together. So take the pressure off of putting the penis in the vagina and both having the best orgasm ever on the first night. That’s the movie script, not reality for most people. It's easy to add a bunch of pressure on ourselves to perform and live up to that standard or expectation. I want to help set some realistic expectations so that you start off your Sex Life with fun and exploration together rather than pressure, performance, and disappointment. Your sex life is like your relationship, it's built together over time, it isn't delivered in its entirety in one evening.

Btw: You don't need to know what you're doing.

This blog and some books we'll recommend will help you get started, but culture tells you that you need know all of the moves, know where everything goes and what to do with your knees, hands, hips, tongue. It’s a lie. You don’t. That's performing for the one who just promised to love you unconditionally forever. Part of the gift of sex is getting to discover it together - exploring each other’s bodies and trying things out together. You don't need to feel your own body to figure out what feels good beforehand, to masturbate so you last longer, to watch porn so you know what to do, to have lots of other experiences so you are a 5-star-lover. You're not looking for ratings or to perform, you're looking to explore your spouse and build something great together.

Sometimes even Christians can walk into the wedding night with a sense of entitlement. We both waited, so God owes us good sex. You'll have good sex...eventually. In fact, you'll have guilt free, shame free, connected sex. You'll have sex without as much baggage because you saved this. But you waited to honor God, not to be owed good sex. Good, Holy sex is still built and discovered together. Again this is another side of pressure to perform. You’re getting to go on a new journey and experience something new and raw and real with your life-mate.

That being all said now, if you haven’t already done so in your premarital counseling - make sure you and your fiancée talk to each other about your expectations for your wedding night: what you’re expecting to happen, excited for, concerned about or afraid of. The safer you feel - the better the connection and, therefore, the better sex will be. Yep - the safer you feel (men, the safer you help your wife feel) the more connected you’ll be and the better sex you’ll have.

Let’s Get Practical:

Set the mood:

Guys, the environment is a big deal for your new bride. Women are highly sensory; so, even though you may only see a naked woman - she sees the messy bags, smells the flowers or the long day, tastes that cake on your breath, feels the dried sweat. Be intentional about setting the scene. Shower and clean up, obviously. Set low lights in the room (you’ll want to see her, but she often feels safer with softer lights). Light a candle or diffuse some oils. Put on some nice music (smooth and chill). Bonus tip: once you return home, all of this is still important (including keeping your laundry off the floor). Set the atmosphere for her to be romanced and relaxed.

Warm Up:

As tempting as it is to dive right in, warm up is EXTREMELY necessary. “Foreplay” or warming up is not only necessary to make sure your wife is relaxed and lubricated, but it's also super fun.

Here’s some fun ideas for your first (and future) nights of foreplay:

• Make getting naked an event: “the unveiling.” Get nice lingerie or underwear. Decide if you’re undressing each other or just getting to watch. You’re getting to see each other naked for the first time. Take some time to enjoy that.  

• Take a shower together. This allows you to begin to feel comfortable naked around each other. Enjoy getting to touch each other’s naked bodies all over.  

• Get some warming massage oil. Give each other a naked massage afterwards: back, feet, chest, legs, etc. Enjoy. (P.S. keep the massage oil out of the vagina area as this can cause UTIs)

• Make out…a lot. Make out naked.

• Stimulate the erogenous zones (more on this below).

All of these things help make the evening (and future evenings) become a full event of pleasure and not a few minutes of quick release. You’re learning to really maximize each moment and heighten the sensation while allowing your wife to relax and open up.

Erogenous zones.

If you’ve seen Friends, you’ve probably seen Monica explain the seven hot spots to Chandler. It’s funny, but true. Most of the time, we want to go straight for the genitals (penis, vagina + clitoris). But, there are seven other parts on your body that stimulate arousal and heighten pleasure. You can slow down on these areas and sometimes even orgasm from the stimulation or combination stimulation of these. They are the lips, neck, earlobes, chest/breast (especially the nipples), inner thighs, and the butt. Let’s put it this way, when John Mayer sang “Your Body Is a Wonderland” he understood how God created the body. You now get to explore the wonderland of each other’s bodies and enjoy turning each other on. Light touches, kisses, feathers, sucking, etc are great ways to get the party started.

Entering In:

When the wife is ready, let her tell you she’s ready and invite her husband in. Men, don’t rush it. Dr. Kevin Leman encourages men in his book "Sheet Music" to "Go slow. Go slow. Go slow. Go slower than you think you need to, then slow that down." Most likely, the vagina hasn't had something so big in it before and will stretch, but not as quickly. It’s often easier for the man to be on top to start (and for the woman to help guide the penis in). Use lube (or fractionated coconut oil for a healthy alternative - but not with condoms or it can breakdown the latex) to make it more enjoyable. If you’re using condoms, many of them come lubricated but may need some additional lube for a while to help the process go smoother.  

If you’re both virgins or born-again-virgins, there’s a good chance that the man isn’t going to last very long and the vagina may be too small to accept the penis to start with. No problem. We’ll cover some ways to “stretch” both of those. This process could take a couple of tries over a couple of days or a couple of weeks. Remember, you’re building a sex life, not a sexual experience. There are a lot of other things you can do while you’re on the journey to intercourse: i.e. foreplay, mutual masturbation, oral sex, dessert nights (put your favorite toppings on erogenous zones), etc. All of these things are also sex and can lead to orgasms.

The clitoris is one of the most sensitive/pleasurable areas on a woman's body ...under certain conditions. It has estimated 8-10,000 nerve endings (twice that of the penis). In fact, most women don't have an orgasm through penetration alone but by the stimulation of the clitoris. Before you jump on it like a joystick, it's important to note that if it is stimulated when the woman is not aroused, it can be very painful. Wait until the wife is aroused before you begin to gently stimulate it. Women, let your husbands know if, when, and how you enjoy it. This can change throughout the sexual experience and even in different seasons - so keep this line of communication open.

So that didn’t work as planned…

Stretching it out for men:

If you’re having trouble lasting very long before climaxing, there’s a few things you can do to stretch out this time and enjoy sex.

• Climax: honestly, if you haven’t had an orgasm or release in a while, it doesn’t take much to set you off. Once you’ve had an ejaculation, your sensitivity drops and is easier to control. Intentional or accidental, your wife can help you ejaculate and then you can go again later on with decreased sensitivity.

• Edging: Practice becoming self-aware while doing sexual activities together. Go almost until the point of climax then stop and back off. Take a few seconds or minutes to calm down, then reengage. This practice will help you have greater control and last longer.

• Use condoms: the thicker condoms will dampen your sensitivity and help you have more control = lasting longer.

• Focus your energy on what feels good for her first. You can do things with your hands or mouth that your wife will love but won’t do as much for you. Help her get in the mood and maybe even have her first orgasm (yes, they can have multiple ones in the same session) before you penetrate.

Stretches for women:

• Allow your husband (under your guidance) to lube up his finger and go into your vagina. Starting with one finger moving it around and gently and slowly pulling down or up to help stretch the vagina slowly. When ready, advance to two fingers. Tell him what to do, how fast or slow to go, and where.

• Enjoy that process. Help your husband find what feels good to you. One common area is the “G-spot”. It’s usually 1-2 inches inside the vagina on the front/stomach side. Talk him through how to touch and stimulate it.

• When you’re ready to try penetration again, start on top “cowgirl style” so that you can control the speed, pressure, and movement as you’re ready for it.

DEBRIEF:

Talk about your sex life during and after sex. Talk about what you liked, what you didn't, what you'd like to try, what you don't want to try again. You're not supposed to be experts, you're supposed to be figuring it out together and you'll have to share your experience with your spouse so they know what to do/don't do in the future. Try not to take it personally when you think you were awesome and it didn't hit the spot for them. Just different bodies in different seasons.

Golden rule: if you’re both not comfortable with it - don’t do it. One of you may be interested or curious about trying masturbation or oral sex - the other person may not be. You may be interested in trying a specific position but the other isn’t. Don’t do it. Again, feeling safe, taken care of, and desired in sex - will create better sex. It’s important that both people are open to it, feel comfortable with it and feel safe. (P.S. I’d stay away from anal sex. There’s good medical reasons that this isn’t a good idea.)

Phone a Friend:

Have married friends you can call. Maybe it’s your pastor, or your premarital counselor, or just some good married friends who can talk you through it. I can’t count the number of people I know who ended up calling someone on their honeymoon to talk through a problem, a pain point, a frustration. When we called on our honeymoon our mentor said, “You’re going to be okay, because you called now and are working it out. Too many people are ashamed and then build the foundation of their sex life off of pain, disappointment, and frustration and then it doesn’t come up until 5 or 10 years down the road much worse. Good for you for calling now and walking through it.”   Plus, some of us have friends who have the key to. help and sometimes we need others to help. There’s no problem if you need to call a counselor after some time to get better keys.

Culture tells us you should know what you’re doing and even in the church you just get winks and goofy smiles like everything’s great. We know from working with so many people that it’s a journey and process. Fun fact: most marriages don’t report having great sex until year 12 of their marriage. Now that doesn’t mean you can’t have good sex in the beginning, but it does mean that it keeps getting better the more you know the person, enjoy them, find out what each other likes, and build trust and intimacy with each other.

Did I mention to enjoy the process?

Enjoy every part along the way. Enjoy the kissing, the unveil, the showers, the exploration. Learn to laugh at the goofy and awkward moments when it doesn’t happen or it happens too fast.

The reality is, in your sex life, you're going to have great sex and not great sex. You'll have funny sex where you're goofy, and passionate sex when you're consumed with each other's bodies. You're going to have nights that it's the most connected sex ever and you'll have sex that feels just like orgasm and not connection. You'll have make up sex, grieving sex, birthday sex, celebration sex, pregnant sex, and just had a baby sex. You'll have lasting sex and you'll have attempts at sex that don't really go anywhere. You've got a life full of sexual experiences you'll build and have together. One night will not define your sex life. It will influence and add to what you're building and what you're creating together.

Your honeymoon is a great place to enjoy the pleasure of your new life together. It’s not about sex, but your life together. If sex isn’t working out (or even if it is, there’s only so many times you can do it in a day), go to the beach, go explore the city together, go find really good food, or watch a funny movie. Make sure you’re not solely focused on getting sex to work. Please don’t let disappointment dictate your honeymoon. Enjoy each other and your new life together. Your future sex life and the rest of your married life will thank you for it.

If you’re interested in reading and learning more about how to prepare and begin your sex life, we recommend “Sheet Music” by Kevin Lenman or Married Sex Series and book or Intimate Issues (specifically for women).