Premarital Counseling: The 4 R’s to Remember
Are you engaged? Are you seriously dating and marriage is a topic of conversation in your relationship? Are you now wondering what the next steps are?
Well, if you haven’t already, we want to encourage you and your partner to dive into premarital counseling! We’ve heard the common statistic that around 40-50% of first-time marriages end in divorce… But what if we told you that couples who went through premarital counseling prior to their wedding day had a 30% HIGHER marital success rate compared to those that didn’t? Let’s beat the 50% by joining the 30%!
Choosing counseling takes humility as it exercises the belief that there is always room for growth and improvement. It’s showing yourself and your significant other that you’re willing to grow as an individual while also growing together- this kind of mindset helps build a steadier foundation of trust for your future marriage. The number of sessions you choose to invest in prior to the wedding date are up to you and your counselor, but we recommend anywhere from 5-10 and definitely incorporate counseling into your normal married life routine!
So, what should you be looking for in a healthy premarital counseling journey? What does it typically look like? We’ve broke it down below in our 4 R’s of premarital counseling, check it out!
REVIEW
During this initial stage, you’ll spend a lot of time reviewing your relationship. This allows the counselor to gather the history of what makes you and your partner, well, you! This also is meant to give the counselor (if they don’t already know you both) a better understanding of who you are as individuals and as a couple.
They may cover topics like:
What are your personal stories?
How long have you two been together?
How did you meet? What attracted you first to each other?
When did you know you wanted to marry them?
What do you love about him/her?
This can be a lot of fun as you two reminisce together and get to share your story!
REVEAL
It’s important to instill a “nothing hidden” motto in your marriage as it creates a culture of trust. Are there things you have been nervous to talk about or bring up? Well, that’s definitely what these sessions are for! It’s also important to reveal and discuss each other’s strengths, weaknesses or any blind spots.
Are there any concerns you have or lies you are believing about marriage?
Do you have any expectations about marriage that you want to share; are they realistic?
What does conflict resolution and healthy communication look like in your relationship?
Are there any “fair fighting” ground rules that need to be put into place?
The other facet to this R is where you address the practical side that comes with marriage. You’ll want to discuss big vision questions like:
Finances & money management: What is their relationship with money? How do you budget? Do they have any debt?
Children: Do they want kids? How many? Do they have a heart for adoption or being a foster parent?
Living situation & location: What is your current housing situation? Where are you planning to live once you’re married?
Faith: How involved is God in your relationship now? How will you incorporate your faith in marriage?
You may be in this R for a little bit as you and your partner cover a lot of different areas. You may also discuss some things that you never thought to talk about before!
RELEASE
Healing is a part of all healthy relationships; this is where you and your partner release any past hurts or fears. During some of you session, you’ll probably be asked questions like:
Do you need to forgive your parents for not setting a good example of what a healthy marriage should look like?
Are you afraid your marriage may end in divorce?
Is there any unforgiveness you are harboring towards your partner?
Give yourself permission to be real, raw and honest. A lot of healing can take place in this stage, so give you and your partner time to process through it together.
REFLECT
Now that the wedding day is getting closer, it’s time to reflect on the valuable things you have learned and how you two plan on continuing to grow as a couple into your marriage.
What areas have you reached a compromise on?
How do you plan on stewarding what you have both learned throughout this process?
How will you invite other safe voices into your marriage to help strengthen your connection?
We also want to be honest and say this can be the stage where you reflect and come to the realization that you two ultimately do not want the same things out of life. One may realize that they don't want children. Another may feel like they are being called to move overseas while the other person wants to build roots in their current city. Whatever it may be, if you choose to go separate ways know its better to find out the deal breakers or toxic characters traits now rather than when you’re married.
Or, you may find that you both want to slow down the engagement season in order to work through some outstanding issues together before getting married. Regardless of the outcome, know that God's covering both of your hearts and knows exactly how to lead you in this journey!
COUNSELING OPTIONS
Now that we’ve talked through the goals of premarital counseling, you may be wondering what your options are. You and your partner get to choose what works best for you, so here are some of our recommendations as you're deciding what's next.
There are marriage mentors, which will typically encompass you both meeting with another trusted married couple various times throughout your engagement. This option may be less formal, structured, and often times free if you're on a budget!
If this is the route you'd like to take and you have a safe married couple in mind, we recommend they walk you through resources like:
Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married - Gary Chapman
9 Essential Conversations Before You Say "I Do" - Gary Thomas
Know any other good books or resources? Post them in the comments!
There are also licensed counselors and marriage & family therapists that are more experienced in how to conduct faith-based counseling sessions and navigate difficult topics or discussions! This is the one we recommend investing in the most throughout your engagement and into your marriage as well. Here are our online recommendations:
Your local church & counseling centers
Know any other good counseling centers? Post them in the comments!
So, if after reading this you decide to say “YES” to premarital counseling before saying “I DO”, then know that there are plenty of options available to you! Whatever your journey as a couple may be, we encourage you to reach out to your local church and community to point you in the right direction as you decide what your next step looks like. And if you needed some healthy relational tools in the meantime, be sure to check out the rest of our resources like blogs, Youtube, podcasts, and video series!
