How to Develop a Relationship: The Intimacy Ladder
There are so many definitions of dating in today’s culture. It’s become more challenging over the years. The way our parents and grandparents dated is a lot different, maybe even unappealing. The question is, who taught you how to date? Who modeled a healthy relationship for you? Probably no one. Many people are getting together without a roadmap. Without roadmaps, the chances that you get anywhere effectively and efficiently are very slim. This is what dating is like today. Not many people were taught how to date or how to build trust.
Trust is the most important key to a relationship. Building trust is not the absence of mistakes, but learning how to clean up a mess. In order for relationships to go well, you need to be intentional and proactive. A lot of young people want relationships to happen organically, they want things to just happen. If you have an organic relationship, there’s so much insecurity and uncertainty because you don’t know what’s going to happen.
When Lauren and I started dating, I asked her “Hey are you ok with me holding her hand?” Then she said no. The reason I asked her before making a move was because the man should open the door emotionally, and the woman should have a choice whether she goes in or not. You want her to make the decision when she’s comfortable, never push her. When I noticed that our relationship was moving forward, I asked her again, and she said yes! Now, I didn't make the move right away, so it allowed this beautiful organic moment to happen later on because I knew she was ready. There was no doubt that I was going to get rejected because that was established ahead of time. Before I took each step of commitment, I talked it through with her at the appropriate time. When I first asked Lauren out, we went on a walk and I told her that I wanted to pursue her and she asked me “What does that mean?” So, I began to explain to her my intentions. “I’d love to take you out on dates, have fun with you, and to see if we enjoy each other’s company. I don’t know if this will go anywhere but I’d love to give it a chance.” Make your intentions so clear so that the decision is easy, not high stakes.
I created a guide to help your intimacy and trust levels stay in check. You never want your intimacy level to go above your trust level. If it does, you’ve created insecurity. Physical connection should be a sign that you trust each other.
Intimacy Ladder
Step 1: Do I know me?
Do I need to have a man/woman?
Can I stay consistent with my convictions?
You have to be okay with being rejected.
You shouldn’t need a significant other to feel fulfilled.
Step 2: Are they safe?
You want someone that has needs and boundaries.
Without needs and boundaries, you won’t feel taken care of or loved.
It almost feels “honorable” to not need anything, but that’s a lie, everyone has needs.
Step 3: Can we have fun together?
Can I be me?
Do I genuinely like him/her?
Step 4: Do our core values line up?
Lots of people get physical before answering this question, but because they’re so physically intertwined, they justify not having similar core values.
Sex is all about trust. Great sex is great if there’s trust.
Step 5: Is God in the God-spot?
God is our source for identity, direction, protection, comfort, unconditional love, healing, and mercy.
You don’t want to be put in their God-spot because that will create co-dependency.
Your partner should be a reflection of what God says to you, not your source.
Step 6: Do we have needs and boundaries?
If you’re a 9 or a 2 on the enneagram, sharing your needs is something you’ll need to practice.
Boundaries are supposed to keep your love on, not to keep love out.
If you’ve never had strong boundaries, get the book Boundaries.
Step 7: Do we communicate well?
If your goal is to never get in an argument, you’re not going to create intimacy and trust.
If both of you disagree, do you still honor each other?
There should always be a talker and a listener.
You may have to camp here for a while, it’s a tricky one.
You may have to unlearn some communication styles that you’ve learned from your parents.
When you’re communicating an issue, learn to talk about you, don’t punish the other person.
“When you did this, I felt ______.”
When you master communication, you lower anxiety, and solve problems together.
Step 8: Are we going the same direction?
Love isn’t the only reason to get married.
If she wants to be a missionary in Africa and you’re called to be an actor in LA, chances are you’re not going the same direction. Someone’s dream is going to die and you’ll start to resent the other person.
Coming home to a spouse who feels purposeless and unfilled will be very difficult.
Step 9: Can we build stability?
Does he have a good work ethic?
Can he keep a job?
Is he good with finances?
Do they build a life that’s sustainable? Or are they constantly burned out?
Step 10: How do we deal with conflict?
If you can’t handle conflict, you will silence your needs, not set boundaries, you won’t feel loved, you will avoid conflict, and you will feel trapped.
Do they avoid conflict in life in general?
As Christians, we’re born for conflict. We were made to go in the darkest places and transform it.
Step 11: Do they know how to care for me?
Do they understand your priorities, personality, and love language?
Are they stable when you’re upset?
You may need to stop here, explain your love languages, your personality, your enneagram, so that you feel cared for.
Know how to care for them and they know how to care for you.
Step 12: Unconditional Love
Can I fail and they still love me?
What’s the biggest mistake they can handle?
If you have to pay the price for every mistake in dating, it’s going to get worse in marriage.
Step 13: Win/WIn
Every choice should be a win/win or nothing at all
You want to make sure they always have your best interest in mind.
Learn how to negotiate to achieve a win/win
Ex. where you spend your money, your time, etc.
Step 14: Forever isn’t long enough
Don’t marry them if your dreams don’t feel bigger in marriage.
When you’re going through these steps and you don’t know which one you’re on, stay on the step you’re certain about, and always move forward with certainty. Why? You never want your intimacy level to go beyond the question you can answer. If you stop at a specific step and you get anxiety, that’s okay! You want that to happen. You need that pressure to find out where both of you are at. This is how you build trust.
