How to be a Friend to Someone Walking in Shame

As humans, we are all wired for connection! And the greatest enemy of life-giving, whole-hearted and vulnerable connections is… you guessed it, shame.

Shame seduces us into secrecy, insists on silence, and results in judgment. When we begin hiding, and are afraid to be vulnerable, we begin blaming others and ourselves for the disconnection that we feel. Instead of pulling people towards us, we push them away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that we are not worthy of love and acceptance. So then, disconnection is the result.

What can we do to help people who are stuck in this cycle?

Here are 7 ways to connect with people who are in shame:

1) Be humble by remembering where you came from. The truth is that I grew up in the same place that John was in. I know what it feels like to be away from God and not feel “good enough” or like I don’t measure up. Bringing those memories and feelings to mind helped me connect with John’s current reality and know that I’m not any “better” than Him outside of what God has done in my life.

2) Love people for who they are and not for who they could be. Sometimes, especially in our movement and out of our prophetic nature, we unknowingly put pressure on people for who they should be or the vision we see God has for them. It’s important to let people know that they are loved not because they change or perform but simply for who they are. This is something we can’t just say but must also communicate even in our feelings that we love them not because of who they can become, or what they can do for us, but because of who they are in this very moment.

3) Don’t parade your accomplishments in front of the broken. I didn’t even know I was doing this but in my efforts to encourage John, I actually brought my shiny and flashy stuff to our relationship, which made him feel like he didn’t measure up. For example, in good intentions, I gave John some of the books I’ve written. I’m sure it could have come across as: “I’ve written books and you haven’t really done anything with your life.” The truth is God doesn’t value us for our accomplishments. He didn’t love me less when I was broke and hadn’t done much with my life. The same is true for all of us. Money and things are nice but they don’t take the place of people that we love.

4) Give people hope without requiring them to change. Often times when we try to give people hope, we’re saying “I believe you can change!” which actually says, “There’s something wrong with you because you have something you NEED to change in your life!” Sometimes in our zeal to encourage people into hope, we tell them that at this moment they do not measure up.

5) Be empathetic; listen from the heart without feeling the need to correct their opinions. When people say it’s a dog eat dog world, or that they’ll always be struggling to survive, it’s tempting to correct that thinking. When we jump in to try and fix their outlook it’s like saying, “You’re stupid. Let me tell you the way you’re supposed to think about that!” However, true empathy, and listening without jumping in to preach, invites connection. Empathy is ultimately other-focused. True love that breeds connection cares about what others are feeling. The Bible says, “Love is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5). When we are able to understand someone else’s feelings and perspective, then we are able to connect in healthy, whole, ways.

6) Show an interest in their lives. Sometimes it’s hard to find interest in someone’s life when they’re not motivated. For example, what interests John may not interest me, but I’m interested in HIM! So what are we all to do? Figure out a way to be interested in what they care about!

7) Often people in shame live in fantasy to numb the pain of reality and give themselves hope. For as long as I can remember, John believed that he would one day win the lottery. And at first, I thought this was just playful but then I realized that every time someone won the lottery, he took it as a testimony of what was sure to happen in his life. He actually believed he was next, and that his winning ticket would bring him out of poverty and shame. I used to have long conversations with him about how stupid this was. But then I realized, this fantasy gave him some level of hope that he would eventually escape his current life status.

Sometimes we take away people’s fantasy before they have the reality of truth. We pop their bubble without giving them a solid foundation to land on. How do we choose connection in this situation? It’s important to understand that when you live in shame, fantasy is where you sustain yourself until you find a place of truth and walk out. Find a way to give people a sense of hope before you destroy their fantasy, as fantasy often numbs the pain of a terrible reality.

FELLOWSHIP WITH EACH OTHER IS THE PATHWAY TO PURITY

I’m not saying that these 7 keys are a sure-fire way to guarantee connection with that friend, family member or coworker who is isolated and struggling with shame. I understand that these situations are often personal, complicated and challenging. And the truth is that we all face both sides of the wall of shame, depending on who we’re presently with.

1 John 1:6 says, “If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.”

Fellowship with each other is the pathway to purity! The catch 22 is that the fellowship destroys shame but shame keeps people from fellowship. But when we take heart, choose courage, and powerfully lean into relationships, shame will lose its grip on our lives!

If you’re struggling with shame then hold onto this promise—Isaiah 61:7 says, “Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion. Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, everlasting joy will be theirs.”

I’m praying for you today. If you’re personally struggling with shame and disconnection then I pray that you would find grace in this time of need, and comfort in knowing God is with you. May shame be removed from you as far as the east is from the west! I pray that God will give you tools the next time that shame comes against you to take down this stronghold! I’m praying that God will bring you community and fellowship with people who accept you as you are now!

If you have someone in your life who tries to disconnect from you because of their shame then today I bless you and pray for wisdom, mercy, and insight on how to break down walls of shame with the ones that you love!

Can you relate to my situation with John? What do you find helps you break through the wall of shame? I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories in the comments!