Let me tell you about the worst date I’ve ever been on:
I arrived at a hole-in-the-wall bar and pub where smoke was blowing in my face. Immediately, my date reached over and gave me a side hug. He promptly looked at me and commented on the fact that he thought I was going to straighten my hair for the date (I have naturally, very curly 3b hair). Before sitting down, he asked me if I wanted to play darts and pointed to a very ill lit, isolated corner of the pub. He looked visibly annoyed when I said no, but I moved past it very quickly. We sat down and took a look at the menu where he told me he was way better than the choices on the menu. He then was very frustrated that I asked the question, “Oh, why did you pick this place then?” Right after we ordered the first and only round of drinks, he asked me what the rest of my night was looking like. I asked him if he had somewhere to be, and he responded by telling me not yet but hopefully his apartment with me. When I got around to asking him about what he did for work, he danced around the conversation in circles, explaining some of his day-to-day tasks. When I pressed and asked him for his title, so I could better understand what he did, he said I probably wouldn’t understand what he did for work. I told him to try me. He said that wouldn’t be possible. He danced around it some more and then told me, long story short, I work for [insert company name here which exploits the misfortune and the lack of privilege of others].
Within seconds, I slapped cash on the table and said, “That’s enough for me.” I walked out and drove just far enough away before I pulled over, looked at the dating app that I had met him on and asked myself where I was going wrong.
Here’s the worst part about this date:
I knew better.
I went on the date with very little faith in it going further, which is fine if that’s what I was looking for but I wasn’t. And a lot of people on dating apps aren’t. I knew better because he never asked questions or attempted to get to know me. His profile was not inviting and was half filled out. It also mentioned that he was looking for a relationship, but as I spoke to him I realized what he wanted—something a step below casual.
I legitimately knew better.
Dating apps are proving to be harder to navigate than even a lot of relationships are. There’s a culture to them, a science to them, and in a world where we have so much access at our fingertips to begin with dating apps, especially having multiple apps set up all at once, can be overwhelming, confusing, and even really irritating when we can’t seem to get it right.
I’m currently with a wonderful partner who I also met on that very same dating app, and here are some of the principles that I used as the basis of getting back into the online dating game that took the pressure off and allowed me to meet and connect with someone of value:
LET’S START WITH PICTURES.
Here’s the best formula:
2 solo shots…1 posed and 1 candid. Confidence!
1 photo with a group/friend. Community!
1 travel photo that prompts a story. Adventure!
1 photo doing or showing something you love. Passion!
If you’re given the option to upload more, I would go equally balanced between posed solo shots and candid solo shots.
GIVE PEOPLE SOMETHING TO RESPOND TO, AND LET IT BE YOU.
The golden rule for dating is to be yourself, but there’s a little bit of effort that has to go in to make it approachable. Whereas our Instagram profiles are essentially highlight reels of what we do, dating apps should be the same for who we are.
When filling out your bio, answering prompts to questions, and responding to people on apps, keep in mind that you’re not in-person and chemistry can be a little difficult to come by. Find ways to invite further conversation in the way you respond…
Here’s the most important part though: make it you. Don’t just say something funny or clever or sexy for the sake of being portrayed that way. If you find yourself to be a quiet, nerdy, indoorsy person, I guarantee you there’s someone out there looking for that. You don’t benefit anyone, especially yourself, by being the opposite of who you are just because you have the ability to do that behind the screen.
FILL OUT PROMPTS THAT REFLECT THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT BY YOUR SIDE.
Oftentimes we fill out the prompt with an interest in ourselves. We want to put our best foot forward and for the most part that works. But think about when you’re on the other end of it, when you’re looking at someone’s profile. I’ve often come across someone I’m incredibly attracted to, but based on the way they portray themselves, I don’t know if I see them fitting into my life. I can guarantee that others have felt that way about me because I’m answering these questions with myself in mind.
I started filling out prompts with honest answers that were geared toward the person I was looking for rather than just attempting to make myself look good. If I answered the prompt in that way, someone could see themselves in it, and ideally they would be able to relate to my response.
Prompts are a great way to allow someone a doorway into a conversation, but they’ll only do that if they can relate somehow.
DATING APPS MOVE TOO FAST FOR PEOPLE TO JUDGE YOU.
They do. Swipe left, swipe right, heart it, and move on. These are the things that make dating apps move so quickly.
With that being said, if you’re not on the same page with someone or what they’re looking for, no one is going to judge you for being the one to say it. The worst thing they could do is unmatch you.
One of the greatest experiences I had when going back on dating apps and ultimately how I found my current partner was saying the following when I realized that those I was engaging with weren’t looking for relationships like I was: “As much as I’d like to get to know you, getting to know someone is an emotional investment for me and because I’m looking for a relationship, that’s where I’d like my investment to be. I hope you find someone that you can be casual with. You seem great!” The worst response I’ve gotten was simply an unmatch, but for the most part I find that people are incredibly relieved that you aren’t engaging with them in secret hopes of a relationship.
RUN AWAY AT THE FIRST RED FLAG.
If one more person tells me that I was “too picky” after I called off my wedding last year, I think I’ll scream. If someone else w
ould enjoy the pain of staying through what you know isn’t meant for you, that’s their prerogative. But it sure as anything doesn’t make you or me picky to run away at the first red flag. We don’t need an additional one. If it looks like a snake and slithers like a snake, it’s probably a snake. Run.
IF THEY DON’T PUT EFFORT INTO THEIR PROFILE…
They probably just don’t care.
Do you remember that movie He’s Just Not That Into You? I remember one of the lines in the movie to the effect of, “If he acts like he doesn’t give a s***, odds are he probably doesn’t give a s***.”
*rolls her eyes in your direction*
So please, keep in mind that “how you do one thing is how you do everything…” swipe left on the person whose bio says, “IDK.”
BE HAPPY, AS IT STANDS.
I used to get so mad when people would tell me to be happy single. Which is why I said be happy as it stands, because now I realize that the phrase isn’t meant to denote that you should be relieved that you’re single. It should mean that you’re so content with your life as it is right now that you are only willing to change it for a partner with value. The biggest thing that I did to make my life better was to be happy where I stood. It ensured that when I started dating my current partner, it was because I could see that we would level up together—that I would add value to his life and that he would add value to mine.
The most important thing that I would tell anyone is that being on a dating app isn’t the end all be all. It’s not the only way to meet people. It’s not the only way to put yourself out there. And it’s certainly not something to do to just pass the time. If you find that you’re looking for a partner and dating apps aren’t for you, then let it be so. Don’t waste your emotional energy on them! You will only find your person by being you, whether that’s on a dating app or trying out a new class at the gym.
And remember the most important words of wisdom…if you’re looking for men on dating apps, subtract 3 inches from the height they choose to show on their profile. You’re welcome.
This article was originally published at IridescentWomen.com.
