Is it really the Perfect Prince Charming we’re all supposed to be searching for? The one that doesn’t have a dark past or fears about the future — that is always strong, perpetually poised, and on track with his ten-year plan?
Well, I know it’s not revelatory news, but in case you need the reminder, no one out there is perfect. Quite frankly, I’m not sure the “Perfect Prince Charming” would be someone that would be enjoyable to be with after all.
Often we can get so caught up in finding the dream guy that our preferences get in the way of building a relationship with a strong connection. Let me explain…
When the conversation of standards for dating relationships comes up I’m often reminded of my own journey in searching for “perfect.” Not necessarily looking for the Perfect Prince Charming – though that was something I toggled with as well. But, rather I am reminded of how I thought I myself had to be perfect – all my ducks in a row, my “i’s” dotted and “t’s” crossed before anyone would ever love me.
Now listen, you’re not going to show up to a first date late or sobbing about your greatest pain. You want to be properly prepared before stepping into a relationship. But, one of the most valuable lessons I learned while dating Elijah was that I didn’t have to be perfect (nor did he), rather that was the most beautiful part of sharing your heart. So it became clear that some of the greatest connectors in relationships (when the right level of trust accompanies it) are sharing the places of your heart you’re not sure are pretty enough to uncover.
But, it didn’t start that way, rather, this was an internal theme throughout the beginning of our relationship – I didn’t want to take it a step further because life didn’t feel “just right” but “just right” wasn’t what was desired, it was the real raw parts of me that was desired. I’d argue that this is how love is supposed to be. A great unraveling of all the misconceptions and false perceptions you thought you’d have to live up to in order to be desired.
I remember a moment when dating Elijah that my perception started to shift. It had been an extremely HARD season for me. One of those seasons where everything is falling to pieces and you can’t even attempt to try to put anything together again (not even yourself). Elijah was dropping me off at home after a glorious day together where I was smiling and laughing and dancing (ignoring all my pain). As I walked through the door I felt like I was going to crumble to the ground and cry because my escape had said goodbye for the night. Our time together had become a distraction to forget about the pain. But, I soon realized my false “I got it all together” wasn’t building real connection.
This cycle went on for a bit where I’d come to Elijah after the fact to tell him of the battle I fought all by myself. Truly upset, I remember Elijah telling me, “Alley it hurts that you don’t bring me in – if you had a bad day for the rest of the year it would be okay.” My fear of not being perfect had become my detriment.
I had been given permission, but I had to learn how to give it to myself – it’s okay to not be okay. When I finally allowed myself to sit in my mess there was a gift waiting for me on the other side of it.
Now listen, I’m not saying that problems, pains, and healing journeys should just be ignored because they’ll all be forfeited when you start dating someone. There is a very healthy healing process you should go on to prepare to set yourself up for success in a relationship. But, that is a different blog entry — my point is that we don’t ever “arrive”. Life is a continual lesson of surrender and a life-long journey of becoming more like Him. He knows what is better for you and me than we’ll ever fully grasp and He is the Perfecter crafting our redemptive love story.
So, if you have found yourself skeptical of even attempting a date because of the fear of someone not checking every dream and desire on your list, or maybe it’s that you won’t be “perfect” enough to be loved, I’d encourage you to re-evaluate and ask your heart: “Do I trust God enough to step into the seas of the unknown with me? Do I trust that He is a good Father and has beautiful things for my dating relationships?” Invite Him into your process of stepping out with courage into the world of dating.
