GOING THROUGH SHAME TO GET TO GOD

 I remember the first time I masturbated. I was on a school trip to Germany, sharing a testosterone-charged room with my peers. We were all competing to prove that we were making it through puberty and could demonstrate our “manhood.” I remember wanting to be a man and wanting not to be bullied. So, I did it. At that age of 13 was when that boy discovered a new drug. After I made it home, all I could think about was this overwhelming desire to get that feeling again. This became my life. Every day I wanted to wake up and feel it, and arrive home from school and feel it. It was all I could think about. I would destroy friendships with women because I would sexualize them and “use” them as fantasies for masturbation.

“We were all competing to prove that we were making it through puberty and could demonstrate our manhood.”

When I realized that I was destroying my life and future, I started to fight it, but it was harder than anything I had ever tried to do before. Then I realized that to see God, I had to look at Him, but merely turning away from my guilt and shame actually turned me away from Him. He was on the other side of the shame and guilt; I had to go through them to get to Him. The good thing was that He was trying to pull me through them, too. I actively would pursue Him when I felt horny or wanted to look at porn, until eventually the shouts of the lust grew dim and the voice of the Lord grew loud. Day by day, fight by fight, I overcame the addiction. Now I can have responsible relationships with women. I can control my sexual needs. And I am learning to understand my body, what it really wants, and how to fill it with the help of God, friends, and family.

— Sam, 25, England