Marriage Advice that Actually Helps

The same day I said “yes” to Ben’s wedding proposal, I began receiving marital advice. The. Same. Day. And I kept getting it all the way through my wedding day. The advice was mostly unsolicited, but I suppose the influx of tips and experiences from both strangers and friends can be expected for life’s bigger milestones. I’m already bracing myself for the day sometime in the future when I announce I’m becoming a mother! Lord, help me! 

Ben and I have been married almost two years now, and our marriage has been filled with joy, laughter, love, intimacy, honor… and also frustration, fights (errr, I mean, intense discussions), hurt feelings, and bruised egos. There have certainly been highs and lows, but thankfully, we’ve been able to navigate both the big and little things that come our way with trust, respect, and deep devotion to each other. That’s the beauty of marriage—you get to spend a lifetime with someone you know has got your back and who isn’t going anywhere. Marriage is a commitment with a strength that empowers you to build a life and legacy with the person who is both your best friend and your lover, while creating a sacred space called home to be real, vulnerable, messy…and still be safe. At least, that’s the beauty of marriage in its purest form.

A couple years of married life under my belt and I can now more accurately evaluate which premarital advice was worth a listen and which wasn’t worth a second thought. I’m by no means an expert, but there are some pieces of so-called advice that I now laugh at, and others that I wish I would have adopted more quickly. And although every relationship is different (which means there is never relationship advice that is a one-size-fits-all) here’s some wisdom worth your consideration if you are headed towards an “I do”, or navigating a few things in your new marriage:

Major on the majors, and minor on the minors. 

Ben doesn’t mind taking off his shoes after work and leaving them wherever he happened to take them off (as opposed to our bedroom closet). I, on the other hand, believe that items in our home should have a designated space and be put back there after each use. When you are dating and getting to know someone, little differences like these don’t seem that big of a deal, but when you are now cohabiting with the person you committed to spend the rest of your life with, suddenly your quirky opposites can become irrationally enraging. 

It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but in our first few months of marriage, some of our biggest sources of conflict in our home were over things as silly as the placement of items of clothing! We eventually had to recognize that our personalities and preferences were not going to change just because we kept calling each other “messy” and “anal retentive”. Instead, we have learned how to meet each other halfway, and save our conflicts for things in life that are really worth our emotional energy and time.

Sex is great, but don’t expect it to solve everything.

When I was engaged a few of my married friends told me jokingly, “If you are fighting with your husband, just remember, sex makes things a lot better!” I’ve found this pun to be a bit misleading. A healthy sex life is extremely important in marriage, and it’s something that Ben and I both prioritize and enjoy. Sex has not been the band-aid to conflicts in our marriage, though. Movies may paint the picture that a screaming match will pay off in the sheets afterwards, but in reality, disrespectful communication and passive aggressive behaviors only make it harder to enjoy a great sex life. We have found that the best way to tackle an issue in our marriage is not through sex, but through honest and open communication. When we are investing in intimacy through vulnerability and authenticity outside of the bed, it creates greater intimacy in the bed.

Do the hard work to create safety in your home.

Both my husband and I should be able to come home from work and vent about our frustrations to each other or be able to bring up something that has been bothering us without the other person becoming immediately defensive. We want to know that we can confide in each other without fear. We should be able to tell each other we are stressed or freaked out about something without the other person becoming stressed or freaked out in the process.

In other words, we have learned the value in creating boundaries and expectations that make us safe for each other. Our home is far from perfect, and at times, we lack the empathy and honor needed at the moment to fully support each other. We don’t always get it right, but we are striving to become a husband and wife who are both unguarded and trustworthy—where our vulnerability is met with love and support.

It’s the little things that build a great marriage.

If you are like me, you’ve seen your fair share of rom-coms and romantic dramas over the years. What makes them so irresistible is the guaranteed larger-than-life romantic gesture one love struck character will at some point make. Adam Sandler serenades Drew Barrymore on an airplane (The Wedding Singer). Speaking of airplanes, Henry Golding fights his way through the crowded aisles to pop the question to Constance Wu (Crazy Rich Asians). Colin Firth passionately kisses Renée Zellweger in the middle of a snowy London street corner (Bridget Jones’ Diary). Heath Ledger sings “You’re Just Too Good to Be True” to Julia Stiles from the bleachers (10 Things I Hate About You). Ryan Gosling recreates the Dirty Dancing lift for Emma Stone (Crazy, Stupid Love). You get my point.

We’ve been programmed by pop-culture to believe that true romance is built on big displays of love. What I’ve come to find is that romance that lasts is not built on the big, but on the little moments. The goodbye kisses before heading off to work. The “I love you’s” spoken during the middle of a meal for no other reason than because you do. The holding of hands as you walk down the street. The little note left on the fridge that tells them how proud you are of them. The time spent watching their favorite sport with them. The errand you run for them that eliminates some stress in their day. 

I love red roses, fancy dinners, and surprise getaways just like the next girl. But I’d rather have a thousand little moments of love and affection than a handful of dramatic gestures. Welcome the big moments, but continually invest in the small ones.

This article was previously published at IridescentWomen.com, an online community for women committed to awakening brilliance in each other through authentic conversations and connections. You can learn more and follow on instagram @iridescentwomen