5 Tips For The First 5 Months of Marriage

Have you ever idealized a season of life? Maybe it was what it would be like to walk down the halls of high school, the graduation stage, or the aisle on your wedding day.

Life is filled with monumental moments that mark us and send us sailing on the seas of our destiny. Yet, sometimes the ideal sunset walk on the beach we’ve dreamed of in our minds takes a lot more work to make happen than we realized. It’s endless visits to the computer trying to figure out the best time to fly, crunching numbers of how many hours you’ll have to work to afford it, and if it’s worth the time it will take to organize. Honestly, this is how most valuable things in life work — it comes with a cost, whether that’s your heart, vulnerability, trust, or actual loss.

Don’t get me wrong, I have idealized seasons of life — I would often daydream of what life would be like on the other side of my wedding day. I knew there would be messy moments, but deep down I pictured a warm embrace every day as I walked in the door, a clean swept floor as I made a dinner for two, and weekends spent making a home feel like a space that was ours. Yet, in the fun of daydreaming, there is what can also feel like the unknown mystery box of marriage that’s about to burst as you begin to question “How do you practically build a life together? Or what kind of person do I want to marry?” The truth on the other side of the glorified moments is the hard work that makes it all worthwhile. So, I wanted to share a few things I wish I had learned before my first five months of marriage.

1. The role of a wife is significant in itself

I am not sure what it was, but in the initial months of marriage, I’d often catch myself wondering if Elijah was happy to be with me or if he was second-guessing his yes to me. Now listen, Elijah wasn’t doing or saying anything to make me feel otherwise, it was simply a question I had deep in my heart that I thought I would have to prove to him for the rest of my life. I thought I’d have to show him why I was the “best” wife and I would do a really “good job” until death do us part. I’d make our home a space where he felt like a king and would serve him endlessly…ha! Listen up ladies, that is beautiful and lovely until it’s not coming from the right place. What I needed to know deep down in my soul is that “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing” Proverbs 18:22. The role you have just taken in each other’s life is significant, it’s okay if it takes you some time to know how to do it really well, but don’t allow insecurity to sneak in and steal the joy of the journey.

2. It’s a becoming

I thought when we said “I do” we’d magically be one, almost like somehow we’d never feel disconnected, he’d know exactly what was making me upset, and we’d live happily in our “one-ness”. But, one day as I was talking with a mentor about how I felt like Elijah and I were on two different pages she mentioned “Well it’s a becoming. The two will become one flesh” (Matthew 19:6). You don’t walk down the aisle as Mr. & Mrs. and suddenly have a key to bypass the journey of becoming one. Love is patient, it stands the test of time. Marriage isn’t a destination you arrive at, it’s a lesson to continue to learn from. Be patient in the process of growing together.

3. Sacrifice is the name of the game

The intentional time you spend crafting the culture of your marriage is valuable. It takes time and effort, but making space for you both to feel safe at home, valuing each other’s voice, and being willing to sacrifice for one another will nourish your marriage. There was a season in marriage when I just couldn’t handle Elijah leaving his things around the house anymore…I felt so disrespected after the hours I’d spent cleaning. Now, was Elijah trying to disrespect me? No he wasn’t. But I couldn’t seem to figure out how to communicate my need in any other way besides walking in the door at the end of the day and listing off a number of chores that needed to get done. The environment Elijah was creating didn’t make me want to be there, but neither did the environment of demanding orders I was creating make him want to be home. We wound up in a mess where we both were frustrated by the culture of our home. Until we decided that in order to create a culture in our home that felt peaceful and orderly, we’d have to sacrifice for the other person’s ability to feel at “home.” We had to put a system in place that we could both agree was reasonable and would make us feel we could be at rest in the home.

4. You might not get it right the first time and that’s okay

The longer you are together the more comfortable you become. Sometimes being comfortable brings out the best, but sometimes it brings out the worst. I have to say Elijah has seen sides of me that I wish no one had seen. But, the beauty of marriage is we have vowed for better or for worse, he’s not just going to abandon me because I got it wrong the first time and vice versa. But I will tell you that just because we are experiencing the depths of emotion in a whole new way, it isn’t an excuse to allow them to rule our marriage. Instead, when a disagreement has pulled out the worst in one of us, we approach it as a learning lesson. I encourage you to seek to ask questions like, “I don’t feel great about how I responded, can you share with me how it made you feel and how you wish I had responded instead?” Sometimes humility is more valuable than fighting to be heard; it doesn’t mean you’ve lost the argument. Most of the time we just need each other to understand why we’ve been hurt, seek to understand, and return the gesture when emotions have settled.

5. I am not one of the single ladies anymore…

Marriage is the greatest gift I’ve been given. Like most worthwhile things in life, it’s amazing and wonderful and also hard and challenging. The Lord knew that husband and wife would need each other not to just love one another but to sharpen one another. Yet, I remember thinking that in getting married I was only supposed to feel good, beautiful, and amazing emotions. Yet the early days of marriage were a massive transition season where we both were celebrating the start of our life together and grieving that the single season was over. I even had to give myself permission to allow my relationships with friends to change. No longer were they hanging out in my room until two in the morning, rather I was nurturing the infant state of our marriage, making sure it felt safe and secure and knew that this was our greatest priority.