Gentlemen are not just “nice men”. They have a presence about them that through their speech, actions, and ethos set a standard for other men and create a space for class, strength, kindness, and ethics. We, as men, look to other men to find our way. I find that there are a lot of good hearted men out there who have been trained more by media and entertainment than a father figure in this area. Either way, being a gentleman feels like it’s a fading art in our culture, and our society feels that. I believe when strong gentlemen show up to use their strengths to benefit those around them, it will create stability and space for all to thrive.
While we can’t conquer all of these things in one post, here are twelve ways to become more of a gentleman.
Look back & hold the door open
When you have the opportunity, step up and open the door for those with you. You are not communicating that your date or group is inferior or weaker, you are simply communicating value by serving. If someone gets upset because you opened the door, you can simply say “I didn’t mean to offend, I just believe it’s what a man should do, help.” It’s also a good practice to glance behind you after you walk through a door solo to see if someone else is nearby to keep the door open for them. If a large group is coming, you can step through the door and then stretch back to hand the door off to the next group so it doesn’t close in their face.
Ask “Does anyone else want anything?”
When you run out for coffee or to grab lunch, it’s an easy thing to ask, “Does anyone else want anything?” You don’t have to pay for everyone, you can add “I can pick it up for you” to clarify. Again, you’re just taking a little more time to serve these around you. This displays your consideration for people beyond yourself.
Say “Thank you” with eye contact
Whether it’s a coffee, holding the door open, running an errand, or simply receiving a compliment, look the person in the eye, smile, and say “Thank you.” Too often we say a passing “thanks” as we rush off to the next thing in our busy schedule. When you stop and make eye contact with a smile, it has a greater impact and keeps those around you as humans and not objects to use to accomplish your goal. Plus, it actually makes you more productive and has the same level of brain stimulation as 2,000 bars of chocolate.(1)
Be decisive with your plans
Our generation has a growing tendency to not commit to plans until we make sure there’s nothing better happening. When invited, your options are “Yes, I’d like to go” or “No, I’m sorry I can’t make it.” We have to kill the “let me see what else comes up first”. If you say you’ll go, then go. Be a man of your word. The host has gone through the effort to create an event and prepare and plan for you to come – don’t flake out an hour before because you “don’t feel like it.” If for some reason something comes up outside of your control and you can’t attend, such as having to work or an emergency – let the host know as soon as you can and apologize for not attending.
Offer her your jacket
When you’re out with a woman on a chilly evening, slip off your jacket and offer it to her. Little things show you’re aware of and considerate of her. A gentleman is ready to sacrifice to take care of those around him.
Leave your phone off the table
When your phone is on the table while you meet with someone else, you’re subtly communicating that you don’t value the person in front of you to give them your full attention. It’s been said before, but the best gift you can give someone is to be present. It can be tempting to 1) want to look something up for the conversation or 2) grab your phone if the conversation stalls, but strengthen your conversation muscles by keeping it at just the people at the table. If there is an emergency situation (someone’s in the hospital, you have a babysitter and a sick kid, pregnant wife, etc) leave your phone face down to not get distracted by every notification and let the other person know the situation, but reaffirm that you want to be present with them.
Communicate when interest ends
If you are dating, exploring a new software, or looking for a house, let the other person know when your interest ends and you don’t want to continue the journey together. How should you do it? Text? Call? Email? A general rule of thumb is to continue to communicate how you have been communicating. Has it just been email? Then sending an email works. Have you met in person a few times? Then give them a quick call. Thank them for their time and let them know you appreciate exploring the possibility with them, but you’ve decided that you won’t be moving forward. No one likes being ghosted. Casper is not real – there is no friendly ghosting. Ghosting protects us from being uncomfortable, it doesn’t protect them from being hurt.
(Note: we have a video in Date Well Men (datewellmen.com) specifically on how to break up well).
Don’t view women as sexual objects to be conquered or acquired
This one can take some more time, especially if pornography has been a part of your past. Pornography is scripted on the idea that women are emotionless objects made for men’s sexual pleasure. Women are highly valuable. Women are different, yet equal to men. If you struggle to see women only as swipe right or left, challenge yourself to listen for personality, dreams and emotions. Consider how you can use your strengths to help cultivate and champion those around you – including women.
Walk on the street side
When you’re walking down the street, move over to the outside of the sidewalk that’s closest to the street. While this tradition began with smelly roots, you are still protecting her from the splash of a puddle, the rush of traffic wind and noise, snatch and grabs, or if a car would jump the curb. Again, you’re showing her consideration, safety, and willingness to sacrifice.
Remember dinner conversations are conversations, not debates
The goal of dinner conversations is to be heard, not to be right or be corrected. Unless you both understand that you’re giving feedback and discussing ideas, resist the urge to be right. It’s not a business meeting to make a decision, it’s an intimate dinner to get to know each other and grow in connection.
Pay for the meal when you’ve invited the woman
If you invited her on a date with you, you should be the one to pay. You invited her into a space and place you’ve prepared. It shows that you are taking care of her and she is treated as a guest. You don’t have to pay for every date, but you should pay for the first few. If you can’t afford it, choose a cheaper option. (https://www.moralrevolution.com/blog/15-cheap-and-creative-ideas-to-update-your-date-night)
Leave a place better off
If you empty the coffee pot, make a new one. If you empty the toilet paper roll, add a new one. If you empty the copier, refill it with paper. Pick up trash as you pass the trashcan. Try to avoid the mindset of “someone else” will do it. Leave a gift for the next person of not being put in an empty position or messy situation.
We believe in men. We believe there is goodness in them and we need healthy strong men to take their place to benefit society. Healthy societies are made of healthy families, healthy marriages, and healthy relationships. This is one reason why we’ve created Date Well Men. We help create good men and help the good men win at dating. If this resonates with you or someone you know, check out datewellmen.com and join us as we help men, get healthy, see clearly, and date well.
I feel like these are all things that are either arbitrary and don’t automatically communicate “respectful gentlemen” to every person you do it do, or that everyone should be doing doing, regardless of gender.
Do you have a version of this for women?
Hi Abi, we don’t currently have a version for women but that is a great idea! We’ll let our blog team know that would be of interest.