When You're "Just Friends," But You're Not

As he continued to ask me thoughtful questions, I started to share things about my story that I didn’t easily share with people. I thought this was okay until I woke up the next morning feeling super connected to him and realizing he still had a girlfriend. I was so confused about why I felt so awful when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I hadn’t kissed him. I hadn’t even touched the guy. What was going on?

In church, I had grown up hearing about physical boundaries like: “Don’t have sex until you’re married” and obviously “Don’t kiss another girl’s boyfriend.” What would have helped me out a whole lot that night is knowing about emotional boundaries.

Emotional boundaries can be a little trickier than physical boundaries and definitely aren’t talked about as often. Have you ever felt like you just couldn’t get over someone? It might not necessarily mean that you and that person are meant to be. It might just mean you’re crossing emotional boundaries. You’re diving into deeper intimacy together without any commitment.

Let’s look at another example from the other side:

I had a friend I used to hang out with all the time. I felt like it was clear to both of us that we were just friends, so I thought it was okay to hang out one-on-one and talk almost daily. When he finally asked me if we were ever going to date, I said I didn’t think so.

Eventually, when he started dating someone else, I was crushed, and I couldn’t figure out why. It was because I had been letting him meet all sorts of emotional needs and treating him like my boyfriend when he wasn’t. No wonder he had been thinking the two of us were going to date. We basically already were.

I want to step back for a moment and say building intimacy and deepening your connection with someone isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you're dating someone, then doing these things can actually bring you closer together, which is what you want. The problem happens when you do these things with someone you don't want to date (or that person is doing them with you). If you learn to be aware of these, you will save yourself and the people in your life a world of hurt and confusion.

Here are 4 things I've noticed that deepen intimacy and can, therefore, cross emotional boundaries:

1. Sharing things you don’t share with very many people (fears, struggles, past hurts, hopes, dreams, joys)- Not everyone needs to be admitted to your inner world. This part of yourself can be reserved for those closest to you.

2. Large amounts of time or hanging out together, especially one-on-one- One way to remember this is the four T’s- time, touch, text, or talk. Doing too much of any of these things is flirting with the friendship line.

3. Planning, thinking, or talking about the future as if that person is going to be in it- For some of us, it doesn’t take much to start planning our wedding, honeymoon, or the next five years. There’s no need to talk about these things unless you can back it up.

4. Repeatedly going out of your way to meet someone's needs- If you continually do special things for someone, then they’re going to feel special. Strange, I know, but it’s how it works.

Guys, if you're doing these things with a girl, don't be surprised if she gets all heart eyes emoji over you. Girls, if you're doing these things with a guy, then don't be surprised if he thinks you want to date him.

I know, I know. You are probably really charming and attractive, and it's making you irresistible. But you're probably also boyfriending him when he's not your boyfriend, or leading her on when you don't want her as a girlfriend.

In fact, have a conversation and tell each other where you're at so you can both gain clarity and manage your expectations.  Deepening intimacy naturally brings the expectation of commitment, when one or both of you might not have any intention of committing.

Even inside a relationship, it’s important to set emotional boundaries. You can’t just go from level one intimacy to level ten overnight. He may like all the same music as you and have the perfect personality. She might be the most gorgeous human you’ve ever laid eyes on. You still have to build trust and go through each stage of dating so that your relationship has a good foundation. Don’t rush it. Take your time through every stage.

The basic thing to remember is your level of intimacy with someone should not exceed your level of commitment to each other. This is definitely true with physical boundaries, but it’s also true with emotional ones.

When you start to share things about your life and your feelings that you don’t share with a lot of people, you are giving someone access to a deep place in your heart. They may be a completely trustworthy person, but until they’re committed to you, there are certain parts of you that they haven’t earned access to.

So ladies, if you find yourself sitting under a starry night sky with a handsome man who has a girlfriend, be careful how you answer those perfectly thought-out questions. Keep it surface level - favorite color, candy bar, podcast, etc.

On the other hand, if he's available and wants to date you, that's a different story...