Dreaming About My Husband: Is it Really a Good Idea?


I am wondering if it’s not so good to imagine my husband, our honeymoon night and stuff like that. It just stirs me more to live for purity with the future in mind.




This is something that I think a lot of girls think about and something that plenty of us struggle with. We as women tend to be more futuristic about who we will marry. We are exposed to so many “fairytale” stories and movies, that we long for our very own story as well.

I think that having vision for the future is definitely important and it provokes us to make choices that will ultimately get us to where we are going. When in a season of being single, envisioning your spouse can give you hope and strength to endure. A quote we hear from one of the pastors in our culture is vision gives pain a purpose. Being single may or may not be painful but any process to get what we deeply desire isn’t always easy. Having vision keeps you hopeful. Check out the link below and read how Webster’s dictionary defines “vision“. One definition is this: “The act or power of anticipating that which will or may come to be: prophetic vision.”

On the contrary, there are ways in our thinking where we can easily slip into fantasy. We begin to create situations and scenarios in our mind that conjure up emotion and even sexual fantasy. This can be dangerous for us to do. It can become a place of comfort that we resort to, to escape reality. This can become one way in which we awaken love before it’s time. Like I mentioned before; dreaming about the future is a beautiful thing and keeps your desires in front of you. However, consider that it may not be very beneficial for you to be stirring up feelings you cannot currently fulfill.


Here are some questions you can be asking yourself:

Do I find myself fantasizing about the future and have trouble focusing on the now?
Am I longing for my spouse so much that I feel anxious?
Do I stir up myself sexually thinking about being with my future spouse?
What can I focus on now that will get me to where I envision?
What does it look like to embrace my season of “singleness”?

It is so important to dream and have vision for your future.
A man without vision perishes. On the flip side you don’t want the future to consume your thoughts so much that you cannot embrace what’s in front of you. Consider Nehemiah, he chose to focus on the “wall” in front of him and built that “wall” even when criticism and opposition came. Nehemiah had vision and God strengthened him to be faithful with what he had before him.

It is an incredible thing to long for God’s best and have an idea of who he will be. The truth is God does have the best for you. It will be wonderful. Use this time you have now to picture the kind of woman you want to be and be proactive in going after those things. Some examples could be:

Growing in your spiritual walk
Writing out a dream list: I want to be known as a woman who…
Discovering what your love languages are; how you best receive and give love


Here are some great resources for you. We encourage you to check these out:

1. “The Stirring” is a young adults church in our city and the pastor rocks messages on being single, dating, marriage and sex. These podcasts are my absolute favorite. The series is called Under the Chuppah

2. “Captivating By Stasi Elderedge, a book on unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. Read the following excerpt by clicking on the link.

3. “The Five Love languages (Singles Edition) By Gary Chapman. It is important as singles to know how we emotionally and physically best receive love. This book will equip you in your relationships to love the way your wired and how to love the one your with well.

4. Moral Revolution will enable you to keep hope and vision for the man of your dreams alive, while giving you tools to managing your desires, navigating your heart and equipping you to be the woman he desires.

5. The Naked Truth About Sexuality will give you perspective on why’s and how’s of the waiting process, helping you understand and celebrate God’s design for sex and marriage.

You have the Spirit of the living God inside of you. You have what it takes to manage your thoughts. We are super excited for the journey God is taking you on. You will be rocking your purity and dreaming about your future, while keeping your heart alive by monitoring your thoughts. We speak blessing over your life and much grace for the process.

Managing Your Thought Life


I want to know, is it normal to fantasize sexually about my future wife?
If not, what steps do I need to take to stop?




It is perfectly “normal” to have sexual thoughts come on your radar about your future wife. In fact, we’d sort of be worried if they didn’t! It’s all a part of having a normal, healthy sex drive. It’s normal for thoughts to enter our heads about any and all kinds of things; however, it’s what we DO with those thoughts that make all the difference in the world.


We will say this: fantasizing is not a good or healthy idea when you’re single, dating, or engaged because it doesn’t keep you in the reality of where you are at in your relationship status. There is reason it’s called a fantasy. If you aren’t connected with the reality of where you are and what you have decided your personal boundaries to be, then it becomes a “tease” to your heart and mind. Why entertain thoughts you aren’t allowed to act on until you are married? It only makes it more difficult to maintain purity if you are constantly imagining things in your mind.


Another thing to think about is – whether you are single, dating, or engaged – you are practicing staying pure for when you are married. Believe it or not, we need to fight for our purity even more when we’re married because we have now entered into covenant with another person and with God, to love and honor that person. The truth of the matter is there will always be other men and women to “look at,” but what you practice when you’re single; you’ll practice when you’re married. If you haven’t learned to manage your sexual thought life and/or appetite when you’re single, it won’t be any easier when you’re married. Trust us.


Managing your thought life really comes down to you and your choices. What are you choosing to think about? What do you do when a sexual thought comes up?


The main thing when it comes to managing your thought life, whether you’re single, dating or engaged is this: you want to honor the woman in your life, or your thoughts. Always. Honor, love, and respect within a relationship are huge.


Are you honoring this woman’s purity and your commitment to stay pure in the natural if you aren’t doing it in your thought life as well? Fantasizing usually involves desiring, connecting, taking pleasure in, and sharing intimacy with the other person involved. We aren’t meant to do that outside of covenant with anyone but our husbands or wives. You might just want to ask yourself the question: Am I honoring her purity with this thought?


Thank you for asking this tough question and for being honest and real. We also appreciate that you desire to love, honor, and respect your future wife. We bless you in your future marriage!

She is 16

She is 16 years old.

This is her first real relationship.  She’s dated some boys before, but this one has lasted through five months, two dances, Christmas and spring break, and it was a big deal to her. He also told her that he loved her; she has never been in love before.  All of her friends told her it was the “real and forever” kind of love. She had the classic teenage complaints about her parents.  She felt like the idea that she was in love would be silly to them.  She always felt like they never truly understood her.


This is not the first heart-to-heart we’ve had.  She has been in our living room a number of times, and she has always come to us when she needed direction. Her relationship with her parents was good and they had always encouraged her to come to us, her youth pastors, for spiritual advice. But when she sat down, I knew this one was going to be different.  She had never been this serious about a boy before.  We had met him when he’d come with her to youth group activities and over to the house when the kids hung out.  He was a nice guy but didn’t connect with her deep spiritual beliefs.  He said he was a Christian and went to church, but never really had much else to say on the subject.


As she sat there, I could tell she was nervous.  I could tell that she had something weighing heavily on her heart, but she was dancing around the subject.  In my straight-to-the-point, no-time-for-games, loving way, I asked her, “What is really going on? Why did you want to talk to us?” She was used to this type of conversation from us; the kids actually seemed to appreciate when we talked to them like adults.


“He wants me to…” She paused slightly. “Sleep with him.” Her head dropped and she stared at her feet in silence.
“Ok?” I probed, breaking the silence. “What do you think about that?”


Her head popped up, wide eyes full of surprise. She looked like no one had ever asked her that question before, like she hadn’t expected it. She began to tell us what her friends were saying, and that everyone was doing it, and that if she didn’t do it, she was worried he would dump her.  Some of her friends had lost their virginity and they kept telling her how great it was.  This went on for a few minutes.  Then I asked her the question again, “That’s what your friends think, but what do you think?”


She paused. “I know that God designed sex for marriage. I know that there is so much more connected to it than what my friends say. I know I have always wanted to save myself for marriage, but I’m so confused. He says he loves me and that the only way to show him how much I love him is to sleep with him.  But sex is such a big deal!”


She reviewed all the things that her parents had taught her and what we had said about how God designed sex for marriage and how beautiful it was in that context. She told us about the consequences of sex before marriage, STD’s and pregnancy– all the answers she thought were right.  “I am still so confused!” she said with exasperation, bursting into tears.


I leaned in toward her and asked one question — four simple words. Four simple words that would change her life for the next 8 years:

“What is God saying?”



I am 17 years old.

It’s been two months since he broke up with me. Two months since I told him that I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. Two months since he tried to pressure me into sex. Two months since he said, “If you really love me, you will sleep with me. Waiting till marriage is so old fashioned.  Everyone is doing it. It’s what teenagers do!” Two months since I heard the voice of God so deep in my heart say, “Wait. I have so much more for you.”

These two months have not been fun for me.  “Not fun” is an understatement. He said he loved me, but I saw quickly how conditional that love was. After our huge fight, where he called me a lot of horrible names and told me I owed him, he stopped talking to me. Just like that, it was over. It’s amazing that someone can say that they love you and then when you don’t do what they want, how quickly that “love” goes away. The next day his friends began to share with me what they thought of my choice. I never knew how creative high school boys could be with words and gestures. If I hear the word “prude” one more time, I might go crazy.


My friends haven’t been much better. I really have uncovered the meaning of true friendship.  Some were there to dry my tears as I went through the break up, some just stopped talking to me after I made my choice. Some joined in with the name-calling.  I think the girls are worse than the boys. Usually, I can go into the girls locker room to escape what the guys are saying, but that doesn’t stop my old friends once I’m in there.  Most of the time, it’s said in whispers or behind my back, but it cuts deep. Those that wanted me to do it in the first place seem to be the ones that left the quickest.


My birthday is today.  My best friend is still around and is still supportive. Tonight we are going to see a movie and go out to eat with my family.  The hardest part is how lonely I feel.  Two months ago, I thought that I would be spending this day with him. Two months ago, I thought that I would be spending all my birthdays with him. After all, as my “friends” said, love is forever.


So no, these last two months have not been easy.  They have sucked, actually. But I don’t regret my choice.  I know that day, when I sat in my youth pastor’s living room, I heard God.  I heard that He has a plan for me and that I should wait.  Every day since then I keep asking Him the same question: “Did I make the right choice?” That is when His love fills me and He reminds me to wait, because He has so much more for me.


She is 24 years old.

From the caller ID, I can tell it’s her.  I still have the silly contact picture we took of her when she graduated from high school.  The one with her tongue sticking out of her mouth, silly string on top of her grad hat and life in her eyes.  She calls me from the other side of the country.  She has graduated from college and has begun to follow her calling, her destiny.


She’s no longer the unsure teen who sat on my couch; she’s now a young woman, vibrant and in love, calling me to talk about wedding plans.  She has asked that my husband perform the ceremony.  She is giddy and talking a million miles an hour.  But I sense there is something deeper lingering, something reminiscent of all the times she came to us for direction throughout the years.


“Three months until I’m married!  I am so excited!” she squeals.  We discuss the place where the wedding is being held. She met her fiancé in college, at her church.  He shares the same values and beliefs she does.  He actually grew up in a small town only thirty minutes from us, so the wedding will be here, at our church.  She always wanted it that way.


As her excitement winds down, what she really called to talk about comes to the surface. “We are struggling,” she says, finally.


“What do you mean, ‘you’re struggling’?” I ask.


“We are so close to the wedding, but honestly it’s so hard to… you know….” her voice trails off. I’m sure her eyes have fallen to her feet and her face is flushed; some things never change. She and her fiancé are both virgins.  He had victory in his purity all through high school and college as well, though his frat brothers hadn’t made it easy.


“Ok? So tell me what’s going on.”


“Well, we both know that God wants us to be together. It’s just that knowing that, it’s so hard to wait. It’s hardest when we are alone and…he…he is just such a good kisser!”


I have to admit, I laugh at that.


“Both of you made an agreement when you started dating, one where you asked us and your current pastors to keep you accountable. Has something changed?” I ask.


“No, that’s why I am calling you. How do we do this?  How do we keep ourselves off each other?” she asks, obviously very frustrated. I stifle a laugh.


We begin to discuss the boundaries they had set for themselves; what’s okay and what’s not okay to do.  Then, I ask her some hard questions.  Where were they when they found themselves in these situations? Had they gone too far? How far is too far for them?  They hadn’t had sex, but they had gotten close and it was usually when they are alone in his or her apartment. We explore that a little further as well.


“Well, I guess we shouldn’t be alone in each others apartments anymore,” she concluded with a sigh. “It’s just so hard!”


Then I asked her that same question that I had asked eight years ago:


“What is God saying?”


Three months later, she walked down the aisle to meet her soon-to-be husband in the whitest of white wedding dress. They had won the battle! They had made it! She had been through it all. She had lost boyfriends, friends and her popularity, but she had made it and no one was going to take that away from her. God truly had so much more for her!


– Johanna Wilson, Volunteer


Waiting for Mr. Right

All the single ladies, put your hands up!


Oh hay, I see you wavin’ your hands over there like you just don’t care (even though I know you totally do). Don’t you worry baby girl, even when you feel totally invisible to the male species, I see you.

Hands up again: How many of you are still waiting for a glimpse of the infamous, mythical Mr. Right? (Hey, you can’t raise your hand if you’re already married! Them’s the rules.)

Sure, I know what you’re thinking: He’s the unicorn of mankind. He’s like a good Nicolas Cage movie; a humble Kanye West; the holy grail of the female conquest for love.

In other words, He just doesn’t exist.

But what if he does?

It all depends on how you define “right”. For some, it’s someone who is fitting, appropriate, complementary. For others, it’s perfection. English is such a tricky language sometimes.

Let me tell you something: I’m a notorious perfectionist, so my biggest fear is having standards that are way too high. Not only must he have impeccable taste in everything, he must also have a more than basic understanding of proper grammar, an affinity with children, a solid family, a great sense of humor, be a creative genius and love cats.

Do you know how hard that is to find? I’m sure you do. Because if you’re anything like me, you have a long list of “must-haves” and “wants” and won’t settle for anything less than the best.

But what if I don’t really know what’s best for me? I may know what I want, but I don’t necessarily know what I need. Have you ever been thrown into a new job without much training? Sometimes you don’t have the questions to ask until you get there. You don’t know what you need until you’re in the thick of it.

Finding a life partner can be very much like that. I’m not a serial dater per se, but I’m also not against getting to know people who seem interesting to me. My motto used to be, “everyone deserves an opportunity to prove how wonderful they are.” I went on dates, got to know what I wanted, got to know what I needed (often uncomfortably) and found out what I just can’t live without.

So far, I haven’t met someone who has satisfied that last part, but I’m gaining a better understanding of what’s really right for me. Most likely not an exact replica of me, my tastes, my perspectives, or my dreams but probably someone I never saw coming. Someone different, challenging, intriguing. Imperfect, even.

My question is this: What if we threw out the lists and just listened to our hearts?

Don’t get me wrong. I love writing lists. I love seeing what’s in my heart and putting language to my desires, but it shouldn’t stop there. Once you know that what’s in there, let it lead you where it may. But understand that what makes someone perfect for you is how much they fill in the gaps you didn’t see, how they understand you in the oddest moments, and how they surprise you with their whims. So girls, put your hands down, your pen away, and start listening.

You never know, Mr. Right may become Mr. Real in no time at all.


-Leah Sookoo, Intern

When Distraction is a Good Thing

Ok. Here’s the truth. I don’t like going to the gym. I don’t like running. I don’t like exercise. But I have a high value for staying fit.


Let me explain.

I’ve always been athletic. All through my school years I played basketball and for my high school years I played soccer as well. I lived for sports carnivals at school! I would run all day if you put a ball in my hands or at my feet. But if you asked me to run 1 mile I would hate it. Every moment was painful. My thoughts would chant ‘I. Hate. Run. Ning I. Hate. Run. Ning’ on every step. My  head would hurt and I would have a stitch in my side for the entire mile. People would try to encourage me with the promise of the ‘sweet spot’ where it feels like you can run forever.

I never got there.

But then I moved countries and haven’t been able to join a sports team. I started to get headaches and become really lethargic. I’d never had these issues before. I asked God what the matter was and He told me that my body needs exercise.

So I joined a gym. I never thought I would do that. I hate exercise, remember? But I pushed my pride away, because I value my health more than my pride and more than my feelings. I stepped onto the elliptical machine and pushed the buttons for a 10 min work out. (Woohoo! Go me!)

I still hated it.

But I felt better. I was proud of myself for following through with my goals. I knew I was making a positive change.

But I still didn’t enjoy it.

So, to motivate myself to go I would go with my roommates. They would keep me accountable, and I would keep them accountable. We would encourage one another and spur each other on.

But it was still purely discipline.

It wasn’t until I started watching TV while on the elliptical that I started to be able to run longer. I realised that I needed to be distracted from running but still exercising. That’s what basketball and soccer were to me. I would run so much in the games and training, but because I was distracted from what I hated I was able to participate wholeheartedly.

It’s kind of like our purity.

We know what we need to do. But waiting is so painful/boring/discouraging that we often forget how beneficial it is. We don’t realise that this short term ‘pain’ is actually setting us up for long term gain. It’s a discipline. It’s a practice. And there will only be a great reward when the waiting is over. Maybe you need to find something to distract you from the waiting. Maybe you need a close group of friends who can encourage you and spur you on. You may still hate the waiting. But remind yourself, “It’s good for me.” Do whatever you need to to participate fully in your waiting season. Be kind to yourself.


It’s been 2 years now and I still hate running. But channel 39 distracts me to the point where I’m running faster and further and longer than before.

– Aimee Greig (Intern)

Single and Hating It?

There are a couple things every single person needs to know in order to thrive while single

1. If you are waiting on a husband or wife to be happy, then you’ve already began worshiping an idol that will never satisfy.


You and your spouse will be different people. You will not have all the same preferences. You will not carry all the same opinions. You will even have different passions at times. Your spouse will never be able to provide the stability, provision, comfort or protection that God offers us.

If you establish that truth in your heart today, while single, you will save yourself years of disappointment and fear that may harm, or even destroy, your marriage. For myself, as a child, my parents were all those things for me. Then I became a teenager and realized they didn’t have the resources I’d thought they did; they couldn’t offer me everything I needed. When I went to college I realized my friends couldn’t even be the comfort and stability I wanted them to be. When I later moved from Ohio to California, I became convinced that now, thousands of miles from anything familiar, if God wasn’t all of those things for me, I would fall flat on my face, and quickly! But He was. And that revelation has saved me.


2. If you are waiting for “the one” to arrive, my first question to you would be, “Are you more focused on ‘finding the one’ than ‘becoming the one’?”


Keep in mind, you are not alone in this boat. Both men and women search for someone who makes their heart leap, who carries so many of the qualities in the wife or husband that they’ve always dreamed of, and who they’re inspired by. Dreaming of your future spouse is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be motivational in your personal growth journey.

I often think of qualities that I admire in people and apply them to my future husband. These thoughts remind me of what I’m waiting for. They remind me that becoming a woman that responds well in conflict, that chooses not to punish with a bad attitude or the silent treatment will be well worth the energy. They remind me that becoming a woman who loves intentionally and chooses to communicate in conflict (rather than avoid it), honors both Jesus and my husband. Whenever I start to long for my future husband, I remind myself that I would do all of those things for Jesus for the rest of my life, even if it was only for Him, because I have never felt so free and alive in my life.

Stop waiting on something to change to become a joyful, life-giving, beautiful human being. There is no convenient season to be joyful. You’ll either choose it now, or you won’t.


– Anna Weygandt (Intern)