Star Wars, Four Boys, and the Battle for Purity

Having four boys has taught me a lot about the world of Star Wars. When I wake up in the morning, I am often met with light sabers and Storm Troopers and Darth Vader… So when the latest movie came out, we were really excited to see it. I was possibly even more excited than my boys. I had my outfit planned out… because that’s what guys do, right? Wink.

When we finally got to see the movie, I remember sitting there watching the lead character. She’s this strong young woman who doesn’t know who she is yet. She’s hidden, waiting for her family to come back, surviving. I remember watching her as she began to fight her enemy, and as I watched her fight, I could see myself (obviously in her athletic build… wink) but more than just that…

When I watched this movie I was reminded that we’re all in a battle. We’re not just hanging out, waiting for weekends. No, we have been enlisted in a battle to fight for a generation than needs Jesus. The truth is, the day I chose to give Jesus everything is the day I chose what side I wanted to fight for, and the battle was on.

The battle was on for my mind, my heart, and my emotions. I was going to have to say yes every day of my life. It wasn’t about saying yes in just one moment, but it was about the thousand little yeses along the way that would make up one big yes in my life. When I said my yes, I had to give God, not just my spirit, but my body as well because there is a battle for purity.

Especially when we’ve been raised in the church, purity may sound like or look like someone we know. We may have certain ideas about what it’s supposed to look like, but purity in the biblical sense means being free from guilt and shame.

One of the greatest places for shame to hide in our lives is in our sexuality. There is a reason why 7 out of 10 men are viewing pornography on a regular basis, and 5 out of 10 women are. The church is not helping any of us because none of us feel that powerful in it. The truth is, greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world (1 John 4:4).

Don’t believe the lie that says you’re always going to live this way, be this way, think this way, that this is just who you are, something’s wrong with you, your dad was this way, your mom was this way… No, you have a different DNA. You have the Spirit of God inside of you. He can begin to shift and change the reality of what the enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy.

God wants to put His nature on display in our families and in our purity.

Purity says, “I’m enough and what I have is enough.” I may not have done everything right, but I am enough. There is a quote from a friend of mine, Lisa Bevere, that says, “Purity doesn’t mean being virginal, it means being virtuous.” There are some people that are virginal who are totally perverted. There are some people who love God, and they’ve had a crazy past, but they’re washed in the blood of Jesus, and they’re pure on the inside.

Many of us go to altar calls praying that God would take our sex drive away, but He’s not going to take something away that He gave us. We feel guilty and ashamed and pray “God, give me a sex drive on my honeymoon night. Maybe an hour before. But make me a nun before that, God, so I can serve you.” God says, “No, that’s not how it works.”

He wants to partner with us in the journey, in the story. He’s not afraid to be with you in the struggle, in the success, in the failure, in the confidence, in the insecurity… He’s not afraid, because He’s a good Father and He wants to be with you. What’s even better is that He knows all about it because He created it.

The heroine in the Star Wars movie was in a battle. All of a sudden things changed for her when she started to use the force. Once you realize what’s on the inside of you, you become equipped to live the life God’s called you to live. The bible says that those who know their God will be strong and do great exploits (Daniel 11:32). You are never going to be what anyone needs until you find out what God can really be in your life.

If you’re wondering what to do next, get with God, ask Him to help you. Surrender your mind, your spirit, and your body to God, and He will give you everything you need to be victorious over any enemy that comes against you. You’re not fighting alone, you have His Spirit inside you, and He never fails.

She is 16

She is 16 years old.

This is her first real relationship.  She’s dated some boys before, but this one has lasted through five months, two dances, Christmas and spring break, and it was a big deal to her. He also told her that he loved her; she has never been in love before.  All of her friends told her it was the “real and forever” kind of love. She had the classic teenage complaints about her parents.  She felt like the idea that she was in love would be silly to them.  She always felt like they never truly understood her.


This is not the first heart-to-heart we’ve had.  She has been in our living room a number of times, and she has always come to us when she needed direction. Her relationship with her parents was good and they had always encouraged her to come to us, her youth pastors, for spiritual advice. But when she sat down, I knew this one was going to be different.  She had never been this serious about a boy before.  We had met him when he’d come with her to youth group activities and over to the house when the kids hung out.  He was a nice guy but didn’t connect with her deep spiritual beliefs.  He said he was a Christian and went to church, but never really had much else to say on the subject.


As she sat there, I could tell she was nervous.  I could tell that she had something weighing heavily on her heart, but she was dancing around the subject.  In my straight-to-the-point, no-time-for-games, loving way, I asked her, “What is really going on? Why did you want to talk to us?” She was used to this type of conversation from us; the kids actually seemed to appreciate when we talked to them like adults.


“He wants me to…” She paused slightly. “Sleep with him.” Her head dropped and she stared at her feet in silence.
“Ok?” I probed, breaking the silence. “What do you think about that?”


Her head popped up, wide eyes full of surprise. She looked like no one had ever asked her that question before, like she hadn’t expected it. She began to tell us what her friends were saying, and that everyone was doing it, and that if she didn’t do it, she was worried he would dump her.  Some of her friends had lost their virginity and they kept telling her how great it was.  This went on for a few minutes.  Then I asked her the question again, “That’s what your friends think, but what do you think?”


She paused. “I know that God designed sex for marriage. I know that there is so much more connected to it than what my friends say. I know I have always wanted to save myself for marriage, but I’m so confused. He says he loves me and that the only way to show him how much I love him is to sleep with him.  But sex is such a big deal!”


She reviewed all the things that her parents had taught her and what we had said about how God designed sex for marriage and how beautiful it was in that context. She told us about the consequences of sex before marriage, STD’s and pregnancy– all the answers she thought were right.  “I am still so confused!” she said with exasperation, bursting into tears.


I leaned in toward her and asked one question — four simple words. Four simple words that would change her life for the next 8 years:

“What is God saying?”



I am 17 years old.

It’s been two months since he broke up with me. Two months since I told him that I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. Two months since he tried to pressure me into sex. Two months since he said, “If you really love me, you will sleep with me. Waiting till marriage is so old fashioned.  Everyone is doing it. It’s what teenagers do!” Two months since I heard the voice of God so deep in my heart say, “Wait. I have so much more for you.”

These two months have not been fun for me.  “Not fun” is an understatement. He said he loved me, but I saw quickly how conditional that love was. After our huge fight, where he called me a lot of horrible names and told me I owed him, he stopped talking to me. Just like that, it was over. It’s amazing that someone can say that they love you and then when you don’t do what they want, how quickly that “love” goes away. The next day his friends began to share with me what they thought of my choice. I never knew how creative high school boys could be with words and gestures. If I hear the word “prude” one more time, I might go crazy.


My friends haven’t been much better. I really have uncovered the meaning of true friendship.  Some were there to dry my tears as I went through the break up, some just stopped talking to me after I made my choice. Some joined in with the name-calling.  I think the girls are worse than the boys. Usually, I can go into the girls locker room to escape what the guys are saying, but that doesn’t stop my old friends once I’m in there.  Most of the time, it’s said in whispers or behind my back, but it cuts deep. Those that wanted me to do it in the first place seem to be the ones that left the quickest.


My birthday is today.  My best friend is still around and is still supportive. Tonight we are going to see a movie and go out to eat with my family.  The hardest part is how lonely I feel.  Two months ago, I thought that I would be spending this day with him. Two months ago, I thought that I would be spending all my birthdays with him. After all, as my “friends” said, love is forever.


So no, these last two months have not been easy.  They have sucked, actually. But I don’t regret my choice.  I know that day, when I sat in my youth pastor’s living room, I heard God.  I heard that He has a plan for me and that I should wait.  Every day since then I keep asking Him the same question: “Did I make the right choice?” That is when His love fills me and He reminds me to wait, because He has so much more for me.


She is 24 years old.

From the caller ID, I can tell it’s her.  I still have the silly contact picture we took of her when she graduated from high school.  The one with her tongue sticking out of her mouth, silly string on top of her grad hat and life in her eyes.  She calls me from the other side of the country.  She has graduated from college and has begun to follow her calling, her destiny.


She’s no longer the unsure teen who sat on my couch; she’s now a young woman, vibrant and in love, calling me to talk about wedding plans.  She has asked that my husband perform the ceremony.  She is giddy and talking a million miles an hour.  But I sense there is something deeper lingering, something reminiscent of all the times she came to us for direction throughout the years.


“Three months until I’m married!  I am so excited!” she squeals.  We discuss the place where the wedding is being held. She met her fiancé in college, at her church.  He shares the same values and beliefs she does.  He actually grew up in a small town only thirty minutes from us, so the wedding will be here, at our church.  She always wanted it that way.


As her excitement winds down, what she really called to talk about comes to the surface. “We are struggling,” she says, finally.


“What do you mean, ‘you’re struggling’?” I ask.


“We are so close to the wedding, but honestly it’s so hard to… you know….” her voice trails off. I’m sure her eyes have fallen to her feet and her face is flushed; some things never change. She and her fiancé are both virgins.  He had victory in his purity all through high school and college as well, though his frat brothers hadn’t made it easy.


“Ok? So tell me what’s going on.”


“Well, we both know that God wants us to be together. It’s just that knowing that, it’s so hard to wait. It’s hardest when we are alone and…he…he is just such a good kisser!”


I have to admit, I laugh at that.


“Both of you made an agreement when you started dating, one where you asked us and your current pastors to keep you accountable. Has something changed?” I ask.


“No, that’s why I am calling you. How do we do this?  How do we keep ourselves off each other?” she asks, obviously very frustrated. I stifle a laugh.


We begin to discuss the boundaries they had set for themselves; what’s okay and what’s not okay to do.  Then, I ask her some hard questions.  Where were they when they found themselves in these situations? Had they gone too far? How far is too far for them?  They hadn’t had sex, but they had gotten close and it was usually when they are alone in his or her apartment. We explore that a little further as well.


“Well, I guess we shouldn’t be alone in each others apartments anymore,” she concluded with a sigh. “It’s just so hard!”


Then I asked her that same question that I had asked eight years ago:


“What is God saying?”


Three months later, she walked down the aisle to meet her soon-to-be husband in the whitest of white wedding dress. They had won the battle! They had made it! She had been through it all. She had lost boyfriends, friends and her popularity, but she had made it and no one was going to take that away from her. God truly had so much more for her!


– Johanna Wilson, Volunteer


How Do You Manage Your Sex Drive Without….You Know?



How do you manage your sex drive or your desire to have sex without masturbating? Masturbation has been presented to me as my only option and I’m wondering, is there any other way? How can I manage my desires in a healthy way?





First, we’d like to say bravo for asking such a bold question. There are many people walking around with this same mindset, and you are not alone. The fact you are even inquiring shows you desire to do things right so our hat is off to you!


I want to bring some freedom and let you know that managing your sex drive is absolutely possible and masturbating is not your only option. In fact it’s probably one of the worst “options” out there. We know that fear isn’t a healthy motivator, so we won’t focus long on this point. But it is worth mentioning the “cons” to masturbation, particularly if you’ve only heard masturbation promoted as the only (normal and healthy) option for controlling your sex drive.


Let me start here: I have not met anyone who feels victorious after they have masturbated. Many say they feel ashamed, empty, and lonely when it’s all over. Some may say, “It’s not a big deal,” but habitually masturbating certainly hasn’t led them into greater freedom. (And isn’t that what we’re all looking for — freedom, joy, hope, and, well, abundant life?) Many find that the more they do it, the more heightened their sex drive becomes. This makes sense because


When you feed your appetite, it grows.


If you’re trying to calm your sex drive down by masturbating, you’re really not helping yourself. Here’s the deal — a couple things happen when you are aroused and/or climax: your body gets flooded with hormones that cause an intense rush of pleasure (endorphins) as well as bond us to the activity, material, faces, fantasies, etc., that we expose ourselves to while masturbating (oxytocin, vasopressin). The combination of these hormones cause us to feel attached to the experience and drive us to repeat the activity—over and over and over—again. That’s the last thing you want if you’re trying to calm down and manage your sex drive.


Interestingly, we seem to think that the best way to feel fulfilled sexually is to get as much as we can without going “all the way”. Unfortunately, this leaves us feeling frustrated and empty. Why? Because God created us in such a way that our bodies are programmed to “finish what we start” sexually. Part of this is a relational finish, where we are able to experience oneness with our spouse. Without the relationship that remains after the orgasm fades, we feel like we’re missing something. It didn’t satisfy the way we thought it would, and we’re left with the same desires we started with. Why doesn’t masturbation satisfy these “sexual” desires?


Oftentimes, it’s because our sexual desires have less to do with sex and more to do with our physical, emotional, spiritual or relational health.


Let’s get back to the point at hand: If managing your sex drive feels like an never ending battle, there’s probably something out of balance in your life. It could be spiritual, emotional, physical, or relational. How can you correct this?


1. Learn and practice self-awareness.

Self-awareness is knowing yourself: what you like, what you don’t like, how you feel, what you’re good at, what you’re not good at, and how you affect those around you. Why is this important? Because many of us act out sexually and we don’t know why.


We, as humans, hate pain. We’ll do anything to avoid it. When we have (basically) any uncomfortable feeling, we begin to seek out comfort. This is in our design—we were made with the capacity to solve our problems, to seek our answers and find what we need. This comfort may come in the form of healthy relationships, it may come as addictions to food, drugs, T.V., sex, masturbation, etc. Is there anything wrong with seeking comfort? Absolutely not. But we must find permanent solutions to our repetitive problems, be it a lack of intimacy, too much stress, or our inability to process pain.


2. Practice putting words to your feelings and experiences.

Am I hurting? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Disappointed? Insecure? Vulnerable? Hungry? When we are able to name our feeling, we are more able to name our need. And when we can name our need, we can fill it in an appropriate way.

When we are unable to put words to our feelings and experiences, we are unable to meet the need that lies beneath the feeling.


3. Learn and practice self-control.

I probably don’t need to tell you this, but if you are a believer and have chosen to live a life set apart and unto the Lord, then scripture is pretty clear that God wants you to be able to manage YOU and not be mastered by anything. This includes any and all addictions – masturbation, food, shopping, caffeine, gambling — you get the picture. You can read more about this in I Thessalonians 4:3-7.


Consider this: momentary pain is worth long-term gain.

Our culture today is ALL about instant gratification. Delaying gratification (disciplining ourselves) is not a popular idea. We all want to be thin, but don’t want to exercise. We all want to have money, but don’t learn to save. We want to have amazing relationships, but don’t practice the self-control it takes to love, honor, and cherish our loved ones. Simply put, we have to learn to say NO to ourselves sometimes if we are going to reap the benefits of a healthy life later on.


Will it be hard? Probably, at least at the start. Remember, if this has been your pattern, you need to break it by abstaining. This means telling yourself no when you want to masturbate, especially if you are used to telling yourself yes, and your body gets what it wants. But, if you persevere, eventually, it will lose much of its powerful pull. The more you tell yourself no, the easier it will become and the cycle will be broken.


4. Be aware of your needs.

There are basic relational needs all of us have such as connection, intimacy, being known, etc., and oftentimes masturbation can act as a comfort or quick fix to us when any one, some, or all of these needs go unmet.

Masturbation is often an intimacy issue. It is crucial, for women, to feel known and to feel valued; without these, many women use masturbation as a way to feel loved, wanted, sexy, and seen, if only for a moment. Men may often feel the desire to masturbate when they have felt powerless, or disrespected. But it all comes down to the quality of their relationships and how they feel about themselves in them. Assess your relationships and make sure you have people in your life that know you and feel known by you. Relationships should give us life and bring us strength.

Thriving in relationship will keep you alive as a man and a woman and promote health and happiness. Having enough healthy emotional connection with those around you will help bring your sex drive under submission. If you get what you truly need, you won’t need to use masturbation to get a “quick fix” instead.


5. Be aware of what is stimulating your senses.

Let’s break this down: Being aware of what triggers your sex drive or stimulates you is important. What are you watching (movies, TV shows, commercials, Facebook/IM, blogs, etc.)? What are you listening to (music, radio, talk shows, podcasts, etc.)? What types of people do you surround yourself with and what things do you discuss? Are these people life giving? Are they cheering you on and encouraging you to go after your goals and dreams? Do you talk about edifying things or things that take you down a dark road? With sexual perversity all around us it can be quite easy to be sexually stimulated, so just be aware of what you are feeding your body, soul, and spirit.


6. Invite God in.

You may have already done this, but invite God fully into your process. Try not to get into the habit of just hoping He’ll answer your unspoken questions or requests. Ask Him. Cry. Get angry if you need to. God is not afraid of your emotions, your disappointments, your fears or your shortcomings. Let Him into it all.


When we give God access to the center of our behavior, He is ready and available to provide lasting change. Then discover how you can partner with Him to stay free. This might involve having a written plan for how to manage the feelings that precede your desire to masturbate. The Holy Spirit is able to guide you into truth and can bring you the strength, partnered with the tools, to navigate your God-given sex drive. God will never give you something you’re not able to manage.


7. Invite others in and say no to shame.

We are huge advocates of doing life in community. So we encourage you to ask for help and process what you are going through with older, wiser, loving leaders, pastors, parents, etc. They have walked this road before and remember, there is no shame or embarrassment in inviting others in and asking for help. In doing so, you may accidentally find the intimacy, connection, and comfort that you need in order manage your sex drive well.


8. Change brings change.
Also, never underestimate the art of distraction.

If you’re breaking out of a pattern of giving in to your sex drive, you’ve got to start doing something differently. For example, instead of staying in bed, get up, read a book, or play a game. Stop watching your “normal shows” or going to your normal after-hours spot if it sets you up for failure. This is part of practicing self-control and self-awareness. In a moment of weakness, you need to retrain your brain and body; don’t give in. Get up. Find another activity. Distract yourself. Stop isolating yourself. Spend more time with others. Make a change, and your change will come.


In conclusion, masturbation is not your only option.

Your sex drive doesn’t have to feel out of control. You can manage it by growing as a whole person, learning to get your needs met, and staying in relationship. You’ve just got to get a hold of the vision for why you would pass up on instant gratification, and push through pain: what do you, personally, have to gain? This is a question that you need to answer, genuinely, in your own heart.


Powerful people can tell themselves what to do. If you worked through all this stuff and you are whole, body, soul, and spirit, it may simply boil down to the fact that you want to have sex. You may have to practice saying no to yourself, at least for a time. There is nothing unhealthy about abstaining from sex or masturbation, and in fact, it may grow in you all of the character qualities that will lead you to healthy, fulfilling relationships, including marriage and a great sex life.


Think of it like this: you can’t have every sweet thing that you see or you’ll be at risk for becoming diabetic. You can’t have sex every time you are turned on. You’re learning how to manage your sex drive now so later you’ll know how to point that desire toward one person – your spouse – and he or she will be ever so grateful you took care of this now, and not five (or fifty) years into your marriage.

The Invisible Effects of Sex Before Marriage?


What are some of the effects of sex before marriage?



We know what you’re probably expecting from an article like this– Yes, sex before marriage can lead to unplanned pregnancy. Yes, it can lead to sexually transmitted infections. Yes, it can increase the risk of identity issues, depression, and broken relationships. But, there’s so much more to talk about than that, particularly some of the invisible effects of sex.

First let’s start by understanding this: we can’t stop our bodies from doing what they were created to do. What were they created to do? Bond. We were created to connect with another human being in such a way that we would become one unit, together, for life.

Why does this happen?
Because our hormones cause us to glue, so-to-speak, with our partner. No amount of consent or informed decision making can change that. There’s a bonding that occurs that supersedes a mere skin-to-skin connection. Scientifically, we know that sex engages us hormonally, neurologically, psychologically; it forms intense bonds mentally, emotionally, and physically, especially when we do it over and over again.1

How does this happen?
Quite simply, any kind of sexual activity that takes place releases chemicals in our brains. For women, it is primarily the hormone oxytocin, and for men it is vasopressin. Oxytocin allows a woman to bond to the most significant people in her life. It eases stress, creating feelings of calm and closeness, which leads to increased trust. It also causes her to want to nurture and protect the one she’s bonded to. Vasopressin is very similar to oxytocin, except that it is primarily released in the brain of men. This hormone causes a man to bond to a woman during intimate contact. Some call it the “commitment hormone” or “monogamy molecule”. This hormone generates a desire for commitment and rouses loyalty. It inspires a protective sense over one’s mate, and can create a “jealous” tendency.2 There is a third set of hormones called endorphins released during sexual activities, and they affect both genders. Endorphins are what we call happy hormones. They are highly addictive and cause us to want to experience the rush again and again and again.
What makes things even more interesting is that these hormones are  values-neutral.3 Whether it’s a one-time encounter or a lifelong commitment, we bond the same way. It also crystallizes these emotional memories in our minds, making these encounters and experiences difficult to forget.

Now, in a marriage, these hormones are extremely motivating and helpful. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that some days marriage would get hard. He knew we would need some help choosing each other day after day, over and over again. He knew that some days we wouldn’t like our spouse very much. We would argue. Bills would come in. Babies would get sick. In-laws would come to town. Emergencies would happen. Stress would overshadow the relationship. So, He installed an over-ride system (hormones) that would cause us to stick together through thick and thin, in good times and bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. It would cause us to feel devoted, loyal, possessive, and willing to endure trials to keep what belongs to us. What an intelligent Designer we have.

So, what happens when we have multiple sexual partners?
Scientifically, we know this: As we bond and break, bond and break, bond and break, we lose our ability to properly bond.4 When we’re ready for that new, serious relationship or marriage, something is missing that prevents us from fully bonding; we don’t feel that connected or committed. Our feelings may seem to diminish. When we see someone else a little more exciting, more appealing, more perfect for us, we’re ready to move on in a heartbeat. The condition of being “crazy in love” suddenly disappears. We may say we don’t feel all that excited anymore. We may even lose faith in falling in love again.
This is why it is important to protect our purity; spirit, soul, and body. We must understand that ability to be pure and save ourselves is not just a religious ideal. It’s not just about giving your valuable v-card to someone. That’s not the point. The point is to keep our stickiness intact so that when we find the right person, we connect with them for life.


*For more information, check out Hooked: New Science On How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by McIlhaney and Bush.

1. McIlhaney, Joe S., and Freda McKissic Bush. Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2008. Print. 45.

2. Ibid., 41-42
3. Ibid., 33
4. Ibid., 43

Real Love Satisfies

When I look back on my life, I see that when I was in relationship with someone, I was focused on how much could I get, and how much would they give. After I took all I could out of them, I got bored with my partners, but I would stay with them out of guilt. I said I was staying because I loved them, but my love was conditional on how much they gave me sex, attention, or sacrifice, and how much they didn’t inconvenience me. I would go out my way for them and fight for them, but only if I was getting what I wanted in return—sex and other things.

After allowing God to reveal real love to me—real *unconditional* love—I have been unable to think of myself. It is no longer about how I can get something from someone; it’s all about my partner and how great I can make her, how amazing can she be, how can I help her achieve her goals. It’s about laying down my life and dreams to fulfill hers, and *letting* her do the same for me. It’s about dying to myself, and together raising each other up.

I have learned that love means “not doing” as much as it does “doing.” If you can maintain your sex drive toward women, and then toward the woman of your dreams, not sexualizing them for your emotional and momentary gain before marriage, then you will be able to give her anything and everything. You will be able to focus all your love towards her. Sex is not love. Sex outside of love says “satisfy me,” where as sex in marriage is an expression of love that says, “Let me satisfy you and your needs.”

Parker, 25, California, US

Pt. 3: The White Knuckle Approach To Purity


In case you missed part 1 and part 2 of this series, let’s do a quick recap:

At Moral Revolution we’ve come to find that there are three main environments in which we learn about sex. We call them the silent environment, the saturated environment, and the conflicted environment. Why is this important? Well, before we can grow in truth and freedom in our sexuality, we need to see where we’ve come from.

As the Bible puts it, we build knowledge line upon line, and precept upon precept. This means that we’ll stack new knowledge on top of our current understanding and hope it sticks. If we’re honest, most of us, in one way or another, have some shaky foundations when it comes to our sexuality. We need to expose and let go of cracked, slanted, or unstable sexual foundations if we’re going to be able to become a society of sexually stable, healthy, free individuals, couples, and families.

In parts 1 and 2 we discussed the silent environment and the saturated environment. In this blog we’re going to talk about the conflicted environment– the one most often seen in contemporary church cultures.

Imagine a bedroom door that swings open and closed. You get a glimpse of something — an idea, an experience — but before you can figure out what’s going on, the door closes. We see this happen a lot in the church. We’re told, “Once you’re married, you get full access to whatever is behind there. However, before that day comes, you shouldn’t even want to look inside. If you do, for shame! Shame on you for even wanting to know what’s inside of there, you little pervert.”

Then, once you’re married, the door swings wide open and the message changes to, “It’s going to be amazing! Once you get through that door, it will be unbelievable. Euphoric. You’re not just marrying a person, you’re marrying a sex slave. They’re going to do everything you’ve ever imagined. Buckle up, baby, it’s going to be the ride of your life! Don’t worry — you’ll know what to do once you get there.”

“But hey, you’re not married yet. You just stay pure and don’t look in there because God forbid you get a glimpse of something you can’t have, lest you succumb to temptation.”

In this environment, we may feel like we’re living a double life. We want to be pure, but we peek through the door because we have thoughts, desires, and hair growing in new places. We’re being drawn by a natural curiosity about ourselves and others. We feel shame, and yet the desire to know more is insatiable. As we white-knuckle it to our wedding night, we begin to dream up and cling to unrealistic expectations about what sex will be. Unfortunately, while the “hope” we have for sex may help us stay pure in the waiting, it can lead us into unforeseeable disappointment and pain if we’re not careful.

“Although it’s beautiful to have the desire to “follow the rules” and be pure, it’s not enough. We must know why we want and need this in order to be healthy and live purely. The white-knuckle approach to purity may control behaviors, but it can’t resolve a heart condition or change a belief system.” – The Naked Truth About Sexuality

The conflict classically arises when we get married and walk through the door, only to realize that sex does not start as a magical, euphoric experience. We are taken aback, confused. We are hurt that it wasn’t everything we were told it would be. Sometimes there is even shame involved, particularly for women, who have to make a sudden transition from sex being bad or forbidden to good and expected.

As you can see, this environment, even with its celebration of virginity and married-sex, doesn’t fully translate the reality of sex. Sex is a language, not just an experience of pleasure. We learn to give and take within this secret world where a private connection is taking place; our bodies and souls are building memories, creating bonds and being knit together. All of this takes time to grow into — not just sex itself, but yourself and your spouse: body, soul, and spirit. It is a life-long learning adventure, not of a series of one night stands.

In this conflicted environment, the kind of inner monologue we hear is, “I’m just going to try to do what I’m supposed to do, and hopefully I don’t mess it all up.” How many of us have heard something similar to this in the church? “Do it this way. Why? Because it’s the right way.” Our response to this teaching is, “I want to be pure because I need to be pure.”

Although it’s beautiful to have that desire, it’s not enough. We must know why we want and need this in order to be healthy and live purely.

The white-knuckle approach to purity may control behaviors, but it can’t resolve a heart condition or change a belief system.

Striving starts when we operate out of rules without understanding the love and purpose behind them. When we pursue any ideal outside of love, we will never produce fruit that remains. This is why so many of us just want to pray away our sex drives and escape the growing process altogether; it’s too hard to try to do it on our own.

When God gave you your sex drive, He had a plan. He knew that it would take self-control and patience to manage. He knew it would require you to grow in all of the other fruits of the Spirit as well — love for yourself, joy and peace in the waiting, kindness toward yourself and others, good choices, and faithfulness as you trust in Him. He knew that you wouldn’t be able to do it without His help. And He said it was good.

In giving you your sex drive, God had a plan to grow you up, both in maturity and relationship with Him. Because He started this good work in you, He will be faithful to see it completed. He is not going to leave you until you figure out how to be perfect. He is going to teach you how to steward your sex drive in a way that honors Him as well as the person you will eventually commit to for the rest of your life. No matter how hard you pray for it to leave, He won’t take your sex drive away; it was a gift!

So, what are we supposed to do about it? My suggestion is to open the door and look in. Not with shame, not with the guilt that comes when we feel we’re perverted, but taking a healthy glimpse inside for the sake of understanding. Find safe, wise people to dialogue with- ask your questions. Find godly resources and learn. God opened the door long ago and it was the church that shut it, not Him.

Regardless of which environment you may have come from, this is the truth: God always wanted to show us exactly what sex was meant to be. He wanted us to know the power in it. He wanted us to be fully aware, fully alive, and fully connected within ourselves and with our spouse without regret, shame, or pain. Whether you’re starting your journey for the first time today, or continuing to build a legacy that will change your family forever, we bless you. Together we can break the silence, silence the shame, and gain a pure, godly, unadulterated understanding of the naked truth about sexuality.


*Keeping It Hidden Doesn’t Make It Pure (Part 1)
*Overthinking A Simple Encounter (Part 2)
* Resource: The Naked Truth About Sexuality


19 Lies Churched Kids Believe About Dating


There are mindsets that many people in the church are walking around with that labels dating as “unhealthy”. We want to expose the common lies that come out of this mindset, and replace it with truth and scripture.  We hope that this blog will be a catalyst in renewing your mind so you can begin to step into healthy/whole living.

Here are 19 common lies our team has identified, and some truths to send those lies packing!

Lie #1: If I go on one date it will lead to marriage.

Truth: One date does not have to end in marriage. You have the freedom to choose what happens after one date. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

Lie #2: If I date someone and it doesn’t end in marriage, I’ve failed.

Truth: Marriage does not equal success. Loving yourself well and someone else does. You are not a failure if a relationship doesn’t work out. “Behold, I am doing a new thing;
 now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 
I will make a way in the wilderness
 and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

Lie #3: I will never get over the heartbreak of losing someone.

Truth: God is with us in our pain and heartbreak. He never leaves us. His promise is to heal the brokenhearted. “He heals the brokenhearted
 and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 174:3 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
 and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34:18

Lie #4: If I go on a date, I must give them something in return. (ie, sex)

Truth: You don’t “owe” another person anything for taking you on a date. The things we are commanded to show people is love. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Mark 12:31). What does love look like? “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Lie #5: My sex drive is too high and I won’t be able to control myself.

Truth: There is nothing wrong with a high sex drive. The goal is to learn how to manage it. You’ve been given the mind of Christ to discover how that works for you.  “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

Lie #6: I must have a certain financial status to be ready to date.

Truth: Money does not make relationships succeed. It’s character, commitment, respect, and love that contribute to a healthy dating relationship. “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Lie #7: Dating is a part of the story that God never intended.

Truth: Our entire life is a beautiful story that God has created. With every shortcoming and victory, He has called us His beloved and no story He created is ever cheap. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Lie #8: Dating is un-biblical.

Truth: God created us to be in relationship with one another. He created man and woman to be in relationship with one another. Dating is a way to get to know one another on a deeper level. Dating is also a personal choice. If you choose to date, you aren’t sinning. If you choose to date you are choosing to practice loving someone well. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” John 13:34

Lie #9: If I choose to date someone, I could miss out on someone else.

Truth: We cannot mess up the plans of God. God works everything out and uses it all. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Lie #10: There is only one person on the planet for me.

Truth: God gives us the freedom to choose all things in life. Ultimately He knows who it will be, but we get to choose who that person is. “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Lie #11: I won’t be lonely when I’m dating or in a committed relationship.

Truth: Dating doesn’t fix your problems. The same way marriage doesn’t fix your problems. Being in a relationship actually can highlight unhealthy patterns in a person’s life. However, becoming the healthiest “you” will contribute to your dating life. Expecting someone else to fix your loneliness will not end well. The truth is God is always with us. He never leaves us and we are fully accepted by Him. “Where shall I go from your Spirit?
 Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
 If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning
 and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me,
 and your right hand shall hold me.” Psalms 139:7-10

Lie #12: There will be a “divine heavenly sign” pointing me to date someone.

Truth: Although this may be true for some, the bigger truth is that we have the power, freedom, free will, and wisdom to choose a dating partner/spouse for ourselves. “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Lie #13: All the “good” men and women are taken.

Truth: In God there is no lack. He is the God of abundance. “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
 No good thing does he withhold
 from those who walk uprightly.” Psalms 84:11

Lie #14: I have to do all I can to keep the person I’m with so they won’t leave me for someone else. (ie, have sex with them, compromise my core values, give up my dreams, etc.)

Truth: Who you are is valuable. If the person you are with does not respect you or the boundaries you have set up, then they are not loving you well. It’s your responsibility to protect the value of who you are, and that means being with someone who values you as well. “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Lie #15: Dating will fulfill all of my needs and I will be happy all the time.

Truth: Another person cannot meet all of your needs and make you happy 100% of the time. You must cultivate your own happiness through your identity in Christ and your relationship with Him. Knowing you are a beloved son/daughter of God should be your foundation; from there life flows. Everything else becomes a bonus. “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

Lie #16: I am not complete unless I am dating or married.

Truth: No one else can complete you. God gives us our name and our identity. “For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete.” Colossians 2:10

Lie #17: I am not a whole person because I have dated (and given parts of myself away) or because I have not dated.

Truth: If you have dated, it doesn’t make you better or worse. If you haven’t dated, it doesn’t make you better or worse. Point is, dating is a choice! “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” Romans 14:12 and check out all of Romans 14.

Lie #18: I don’t have what it takes to date or pursue a relationship.

Truth: You are fully equipped with Christ to do everything you set out to do. He gives us strength, power, and love.  “Now may the God of peace … equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.” Hebrews 13:21

Lie #19: I am not worthy of pursuing a partner who challenges or scares me.

Truth: You have been called a worthy son or daughter. “Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.” Ephesians 1:4-6 and check out, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

If any of the above lies felt familiar you have the power to break agreements with those lies today! All you have to do is repent for the lies you have believed and replace them with God’s truth.  It could look something like this …

“Lord, I’m sorry for believing the lie that (Insert lie).  I repent and break all agreements that I made willingly or unwillingly with that lie and I send it to you Jesus to be dealt with. I believe, receive, and declare your word of truth over my life God and that truth is (insert truth here).”

The lies listed above are just a few. What are some lies you’ve struggled with? Have you discovered God’s truth that replaces each of them?  How has your life been differenct since you’ve sent those lies packing?

– Amanda Zentz (Intern)

Getting Our Needs Met In A Healthy Way Part 2

In part one of this series we talked about our “sex needs,” followed by how to find our real needs in part two. This brings us to our last question:

“So, if I don’t need sex, why does sex and/or sexual activity seem to fill the void?”

Because a sexual experience can fill some of these needs.

The experience of arousal, orgasm or sex can feel like they meet these needs. They soothe, feel comforting, make us feel powerful, helping us feel connected. Sex is a very intimate experience. It is part of our design, so it may even feel like it’s part of our “purpose.” We were designed to crave it. In marriage, it builds an incredible bond between spouses. It helps fuel your desire for each other. I would say that in the context of having a strong, healthy marriage, sex is very important, but still not a true “do-or-die” need. Plus, once you start having sex, your desires are fully awakened and they are demanding! This is why the Apostle Paul tells spouses to be willing to meet each other’s sexual needs; if your partner is feeling unfilled, it makes them vulnerable to looking for sexual fulfillment elsewhere! (See 1 Cor 7:3-5)

But we can find many non-sexual ways to feel powerful, close, known, comforted and connected, whether we are single or married!

Unfortunately, there is no “one-size-fits-all” answer to getting your needs met. You see, your needs may be different than mine. You need to become an expert on yourself and make sure you get what you need!

Need physical touch? Get your hug on with some friends! Play with your beloved Fido, or cuddle your niece or nephew! Need a serotonin boost to feel happy? Watch funny movies, go for coffee with a good friend! Feeling angry and worn down? Get some good sleep…you’ll probably feel better in the morning.

There are many ways you can get your real needs met while you’re still single. Take the time to learn yourself. Get a community around you that can help. And be of good cheer: you were born to thrive in every season of your life.

Getting Our Needs Met In A Healthy Way

Let’s be honest:

When we ask, “How do I get my needs met in a healthy way?”
what we’re probably really asking is:

“How do I fulfill my sexual desire in a way that is satisfying, but not sinful?” 

 And if we’re really asking that, the more appropriate question is probably, “What is the real need underlying my desire for sex, and how do I meet that need in a healthy way?”

You see, as we’ve started discussing, many of our sexual desires are not actually pointing us toward sex. This desire, feeling or emotion is our body’s, soul’s, or spirit’s voice saying:”I NEED SOMETHING! HELP ME!”

To find what you need, let’s look at some thoughts that might sound familiar to you:

Example A:

“I just want to be held tonight,” is really saying:

“I SO need to be comforted right now.”


What is a healthy source for meeting these needs?
Quality time with good friends, family, God. Maybe journaling.

Would sex meet this need? What about masturbation?
Not necessarily, and certainly not in a lasting way.

Example B:

“Once I get a boyfriend, I’ll know I’m beautiful,” means:

“I need to know how significant I am. I need intimacy. I need to be seen.”

The real needs? IDENTITY and PURPOSE.

Healthy source:
Relational intimacy with God and believing what He says about you.

One night stand? Porn?
I’ll pass.

Example C:

“If I don’t have sex or masturbate right now, I’m going to punch something,” could very well be your body’s voice telling you:

“I’m super stressed right now, and I need some kind of endorphin rush.”

The real need? COMFORT, or could be a physical need like EXERCISE.

Healthy source:
How about verbally processing your feelings of anger, frustration or disappointment with someone? Crying. Taking a good nap. Going for a run.

You tell me — what would work for you?


Click to read Part One and Part Three of this blog series.

The T-Rex In The Room

Getting Our Needs Met In A Healthy Way

Here at Moral Revolution, we spend a great deal of time discussing our human needs. The body, soul, and spirit all have legitimate needs, too. Our bodies need air, food, water, shelter and human contact. Our souls: intimacy, connection, and comfort. Lastly, our spirits need connection with God and the identity and purpose He supplies us.

This may surprise you, but SEX IS NOT A NEED.

(For the sake of this conversation, understand that I’m talking mainly to singles here, not to married couples…we’ll get to that later! But the principles still stand for them too.)

Sex may feel like a need. It can feel like a raging giant demanding to be fed. (You’ve heard of the ‘elephant in the room’? Well, I’d like to call our “sexual needs” the T-Rex in the room.) Our sexual desires can be very powerful indeed; we can feel chased down and intimidated by them…feel like we are under their control, completely at their mercy. We call them our sexual needs, but they cannot be classified as needs in the truest sense. A need is something necessary; it is something that you will die without. Let’s be real…no one ever died from not having sex!

Once we can understand (and accept) that sex is not a true need, it is much easier to figure out how to meet our needs in a healthy way! And the first step is to know this:

When we meet our soul and spirit needs first, our physical needs (sexual desires) quiet down.

If you’re like me, you want this whole idea summed up in a nice, neat 3-Step program for sexual freedom. Unfortunately, there isn’t one, but this is kind of what the process looks like:

1. “Let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.” Galatians 5:16 (NLT).

Get connected to God so He can meet your need for identity, purpose and intimacy with Him!

2. Make sure your soul is really healthy.

A healthy soul looks like a renewed mind, emotional wholeness and a will yielded to the will of Christ. (This looks like self control.) This will bubble over into your physical body too (3 John 1:2 ISV)! Often, sexual problems are rooted in a soul problem- in needs of intimacy, connection and comfort. We act out, looking to sex for something that has nothing to do with sex! Learn yourself. Get what you need! Ask for help.

3. By this point the T-Rex will be more like a lamb than a lion!

(Please excuse the mixed-metaphors!) With your spirit and soul in order, you’ll find that your sexual urges will already be quieter, easier to control. You’ll be able to choose your behavior rather than acting impulsively, or feeling completely out-of-control.

So, are you still wondering how to get your needs met in a healthy way?
Check out Part 2 here.