Boundaries in Relationships

Maybe it’s just the rebel in me, but when people talk about boundaries in relationships, my natural inclination is to cringe. “Don’t put me in a box. I’m my own boss.” But when we understand that boundaries are put in place to protect us, that it’s God’s way to protect our heart, soul, and body, it’s a game-changer.

Once you’ve gotten to the point that you know you’re attracted to someone, and you’ve started dating, then it’s time to think about setting some boundaries.

Throughout Song of Solomon, we are reminded in a message by a group of women:

“Do not awaken or arouse love until it so desires.” (Song of Solomon 8:4).

There is no condemnation in Christ. I am not trying to wag a finger or judge people. I’m with you. I know God’s in control. What are some ways to walk in the respect God wants us to have for others and ourselves? God gives us guidelines in our relationships, not so He can be this cosmic killjoy, but so He can protect us. God’s very clear on how we are to approach purity, before and after marriage. God created sex and intimacy to be within the safety of marriage. So when you’re married, He’s not peeping down from heaven like, “Oh no, I wonder what they’re doing down there.” After you get married, He blesses it. He wants married couples to be fruitful and multiply. Procreate and recreate.

On the other hand, scripture is clear that before marriage, having sex is not kosher, it’s not copacetic. If we have intimate relations with somebody, we bind ourselves to them (1 Corinthians 6:16). I’m not talking about just physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. So be careful that you’re not engaging in things you shouldn’t be engaging in with a person you’re not married to. Why? Because it complicates things.

Scripture is very clear that there are things we shouldn’t engage with. I feel like there’s this next generation of Christians that say, “Well the Bible doesn’t explicitly say that I can’t do this or that in my relationship…” Here’s a piece of free advice: If it’s something you’re not comfortable doing in front of your mama, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

I recently read an article that said there was a group of guys who vandalized a church. I was outraged. It wasn’t even a Christian institution, but it didn’t matter to me because it was somebody’s place of worship, and they vandalized it. Now listen, I grew up in east LA, my dad’s church is in the hood, and there’s graffiti everywhere. I’m anesthetized to it. But when I read that they went inside the church, that they threw around the pews, and they graffiti’d their names on the wall: Johnny was here. Peter was here… I was outraged. Then I felt convicted. I was more upset that people broke into a building than I was about my friends being entered in by people who were also leaving marks: Johnny was here. Peter was here.

Our bodies are temples of the living God. 

I’m seeing this phenomenon of Christians having pre-marital sex. Just because the Bible doesn’t spell it out for us and say, “Pre-marital sex is wrong,” doesn’t mean it’s okay. It still makes it clear that sex is meant for marriage.

So in your dating relationship, set clear boundaries. Decide what’s best for yourself and your boyfriend or girlfriend: “I can’t cross this line because I don’t know where it will stop.” Can we go into it like that and have God honor it? So even though I’m telling you not to have sex before marriage, after marriage it’s a different story. You can make up for lost time. God wants to bless sex inside of marriage. After all, it was His idea in the first place.



The Redemption of Men

I remember when a man pummelled a woman’s head with the heaviest part of a telephone receiver in a phone box outside of Liverpool station. I remember getting out of my car down the street, screaming from a distance to save her life.

Whoever she was.

I remember him looking up, grasping from his violent breath, to see who had the audacity to interrupt him, leaving the half-conscious woman to now run after me. I remember the police being just around the corner. I remember how vivid and monstrous the sound of him beating her was – 16 years later.

Those are the trials that we define as traumatic in domestic violence, the ones people fight for years to overcome. For as much as physical abuse is the definition of evil in relationships, we seem to sideline the emotional torment, the slightly less burdensome journeys we never signed up for when he first asked us out on a date.

For the majority of us, hurt is very subtle, yet it’s startling how lasting that can be, it’s startling how bruised the heart can get with their emotional punches.

I remember being lied to. Regularly. By different boyfriends.

I’ve fought for a man who didn’t want to fight for me.

I’ve been the victim of verbal abuse, I’ve ducked away from being in a domestic violent one.

I’ve been on his mind and in his living room for a thousand hours and still he can’t decide whether he wants to date me.

I’ve been the confidante to the mistresses; I’ve been the confidante to the wives.

I’ve been the butt of their self-hating jokes.

I’ve been involuntarily part of a smear campaign so they can cover their own reputation in a mutual church community.

I’ve lost Facebook friends, I’ve been ignored in the streets, all based on the fact I decided something wasn’t right.

I’ve had to defend my right to exist with other women in his life.

It was the luxury apartment or me. And he took the apartment.

I’ve been controlled.

I’ve not been talked to for ten minutes in a car ride because he didn’t like my shoes. And I liked my shoes.

I’ve been advised to do my homework and by homework – he meant more squats.

I’ve been advised to eat more. I’ve been advised to eat less.

I’ve been told it’s between me or another girl he’s interested in – he ended up dating both.

I’ve been promised babies and weddings, with it never following through.

I’ve been flirted with to discover I was just the stop-gap girl to appeal to his own emotional needs.

I’ve been uncovered to a whole ray of people who knew my name, but I couldn’t have placed theirs.

I’ve been ditched because I wouldn’t put out. I’ve been ditched because I did put out.

I’ve been the apple of their eye in one week and a stranger to them the next.

I’ve had the biggest smile on my face when I finally found out their fickle fabrications. Yet my smile swiftly vanished when I learnt how long the lies had gone on for.

But this isn’t an invite to some pity party. This isn’t a recall on some of the poorer relationships I’ve endured.


This is a reality check to all those women that say that there aren’t any good men out there.


‘How could she start this piece of writing with her horror stories of male encounters and expect us to have hope?’ I hear you cry.

I declared it myself that there were no healthy men.

I have said that line more in my Christian days than in my atheist ones. It seemed I found more brokenness in men, who longed for God yet forgot about goodness, the problem was, I was functioning from a hopeless ache that looked for physical evidence; back-up stories that proved that men weren’t kind. After so much hurt, a back catalogue of dating misdemeanors – how could we have hope?

It’s a line that is spoken not from a bitter edge or a negative personality, but from a heart that has been hurt so much, their lens is now faded to a duller tint and it protects, it keeps out, it stops us from messing around our own hearts and disempowers the ability to be vulnerable. We think this jagged edge of pessimism will be realistic, however vulnerability is your greatest protector and hopelessness is your sharpest opponent to love.

Despite the subtle pains I’ve faced, masked in the phrase of ‘long-suffering’ there are men out there that turn all these stories into redemption, that make the rainbows finally shine through the treacherous thunder.

They are there. Once you clean your own lens.

Sometimes with purpose in your pocket, some self-love and friends that adore you, you wipe the bi-focals yourself. Other times it takes an encounter with a great man.

Here’s where the redemption arrived at my door.

I had men who complimented every detail of my dress. Choosing the very shoes the previous one hated.

I’ve been the reciprocity of his affirmation.

I’ve faced his honesty with an apologetic smile and a change of behavior.

I’ve never had to raise my voice, because he already heard me.

I trusted his next moves.

I’ve not needed half the amount of basic boundaries because the dude finally showed up with his own.

I found men who said sorry in the moment – not a year later.

I’ve had a man sacrifice money, travel, and dreams for the day, just to meet me.

I discovered men who sought advice from a small committee of healthy friends, never seeking comfort from half of a broken world.

I’ve found the mightiness in a man’s humility to tell me the truth even if it might hurt his own pride.

I’ve found men who wanted my soul over a posh duplex.

I no longer had to ask why, because his words were always followed up by action.

I’ve been loved in my complexity as well as my diversity.

I was loved in my mess so much that perfectionism jumped out of the window.

I found security in myself because he didn’t rest on my confidence – he had his own.

I’ve been asked questions, instead of be accused.

If I had a need, it was a pleasure for him to fulfill it thus I was no longer seen as a drain.

I was gently confronted with a soft tongue and a trust to resolve.

I no longer blamed myself for another person’s behaviour. For he took ownership of every step he made.

I was satisfactory to him, without using my body.


These are the redemptive ones. These are the mighty men, who will restore your past experiences. These are the ones who will never speak anything less than highly of you, despite their own pain of losing you.


I promise you: the ‘you’ who is out there wondering if there are any good men. If you did something wrong. If you’re too old. If you’re too young. If you’re not good enough. If you’re too picky. If you’re too too too…

Take off the self-questioning so you won’t question men so much. Take down the wall of protection so you don’t ooze distrust. Take up discernment to another level so that you can avoid one more horror story to the storage unit of poor experiences, and raise up the standard to encounter kind men, gentle men, men with back bones, men with justice hearts yet a teachability to always be able to say sorry and grow. We were never looking for perfection, we were looking for humility. And it had to start with us.

It was never about how good the men were out there, it was always about how much we truly believed we deserved it in the first place.


Originally published on



Dreaming About My Husband: Is it Really a Good Idea?


I am wondering if it’s not so good to imagine my husband, our honeymoon night and stuff like that. It just stirs me more to live for purity with the future in mind.




This is something that I think a lot of girls think about and something that plenty of us struggle with. We as women tend to be more futuristic about who we will marry. We are exposed to so many “fairytale” stories and movies, that we long for our very own story as well.

I think that having vision for the future is definitely important and it provokes us to make choices that will ultimately get us to where we are going. When in a season of being single, envisioning your spouse can give you hope and strength to endure. A quote we hear from one of the pastors in our culture is vision gives pain a purpose. Being single may or may not be painful but any process to get what we deeply desire isn’t always easy. Having vision keeps you hopeful. Check out the link below and read how Webster’s dictionary defines “vision“. One definition is this: “The act or power of anticipating that which will or may come to be: prophetic vision.”

On the contrary, there are ways in our thinking where we can easily slip into fantasy. We begin to create situations and scenarios in our mind that conjure up emotion and even sexual fantasy. This can be dangerous for us to do. It can become a place of comfort that we resort to, to escape reality. This can become one way in which we awaken love before it’s time. Like I mentioned before; dreaming about the future is a beautiful thing and keeps your desires in front of you. However, consider that it may not be very beneficial for you to be stirring up feelings you cannot currently fulfill.


Here are some questions you can be asking yourself:

Do I find myself fantasizing about the future and have trouble focusing on the now?
Am I longing for my spouse so much that I feel anxious?
Do I stir up myself sexually thinking about being with my future spouse?
What can I focus on now that will get me to where I envision?
What does it look like to embrace my season of “singleness”?

It is so important to dream and have vision for your future.
A man without vision perishes. On the flip side you don’t want the future to consume your thoughts so much that you cannot embrace what’s in front of you. Consider Nehemiah, he chose to focus on the “wall” in front of him and built that “wall” even when criticism and opposition came. Nehemiah had vision and God strengthened him to be faithful with what he had before him.

It is an incredible thing to long for God’s best and have an idea of who he will be. The truth is God does have the best for you. It will be wonderful. Use this time you have now to picture the kind of woman you want to be and be proactive in going after those things. Some examples could be:

Growing in your spiritual walk
Writing out a dream list: I want to be known as a woman who…
Discovering what your love languages are; how you best receive and give love


Here are some great resources for you. We encourage you to check these out:

1. “The Stirring” is a young adults church in our city and the pastor rocks messages on being single, dating, marriage and sex. These podcasts are my absolute favorite. The series is called Under the Chuppah

2. “Captivating By Stasi Elderedge, a book on unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. Read the following excerpt by clicking on the link.

3. “The Five Love languages (Singles Edition) By Gary Chapman. It is important as singles to know how we emotionally and physically best receive love. This book will equip you in your relationships to love the way your wired and how to love the one your with well.

4. Moral Revolution will enable you to keep hope and vision for the man of your dreams alive, while giving you tools to managing your desires, navigating your heart and equipping you to be the woman he desires.

5. The Naked Truth About Sexuality will give you perspective on why’s and how’s of the waiting process, helping you understand and celebrate God’s design for sex and marriage.

You have the Spirit of the living God inside of you. You have what it takes to manage your thoughts. We are super excited for the journey God is taking you on. You will be rocking your purity and dreaming about your future, while keeping your heart alive by monitoring your thoughts. We speak blessing over your life and much grace for the process.

What Resources Do You Suggest For Children?



My wife and I are children’s pastors and we wanted to see if you had any resources or curriculum for teaching children about purity, sex, etc. We have seen the need in our 6-12 class to have the “talk” and with the permission of our parents we are going to. We just need the right tools.





What a great question and we are so thankful you inquired with us!


At this time Moral Revolution does not have any resources for children ages 6-12 specifically, however, our Sex Therapist does recommend the following books for parents so they may be a good place for you and your team to start:

How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex by Stanton and Brenna Jones
Talking To Your Kids About Sex by Mark Laaser
God’s Design For Sex Series by Jones and Nystrom
The Story of Me by Stan and Brenna Jones
Before I Was Born by Nystrom
The Wonderful Way That Babies Are Made by Larry Christenson

You can find any of these books on Amazon.
You may also want to check out Focus on the Family’s website regarding Sexuality here.


That being said, we do not think a 12 year old is too young to use our existing Moral Revolution resources:

The Naked Truth About Sexuality by Havilah Cunnington
Let’s Talk About It: Sexuality course, written for use by leaders.
Moral Revolution: The Naked Truth About Sexual Purity by Kris Vallotton
40 Day Journey to Purity for Guys/Girls

According to BYU’s Women’s Services and Resources the average age of first Internet exposure to porn is 11 years old and the largest consumer of Internet pornography is 12 – 17 year olds. You’d probably be doing your 12 year olds a favor by opening up the conversation for them now rather than later so they have a safe place to process, ask questions, and get honest answers on how to manage their developing sex drives.


Can you tell me a little more about the Let’s Talk About It: Sexuality course? What age group would you use it with?

We generally recommend ages 12 and up (including use in adult small groups, home groups, leadership training, etc.), understanding that some 12 year olds are more than ready for it than others. We believe that the content is appropriate, respectful, and educational, and a discerning teacher or communicator will be able to present the core ideas (identity, personal values, covenant, etc.) to children in that age group, should the need arise.


Do you have any tips about presenting this course in your youth group?

If you have a mixed group of junior and senior high students, it may be wise to separate them; they are at different stages of development and are interacting with and assimilating the information differently. Jr. high students may still be giggling at the idea of sex and relationships, whereas some of the older ones may have serious questions about it. Follow up your lessons with small group time, or other opportunities for your group to ask questions, talk, get prayer, and process through what they’ve just learned.


What about parent involvement?

For a younger group, you may choose to invite parents to sit in during the lessons, bringing a sense of security to all parties. Older students may not engage when mom or dad is sitting in the seat next to them, so a letter home may be sufficient and effective for these. (The course comes with a parent-letter and lesson synopsis that you can send home for review before starting the course.) We may even recommend going as far as inviting the parents to go through the DVD or lesson plan themselves ahead of time so that everyone is comfortable and on the same page.


You know your children/students best, so in partnership with their parents, review the materials and decide if it would be suitable for your particular group. Again, whether your group is more sensitive than the average 12 year old, or maybe they’re already exploring sexual activity, review the materials and feel free to give your students what they need out of it.


We hope this helps and blesses you as you father and mother these children into greatness!



Want to Get More Resources On Parenting Sexuality?

She is 16

She is 16 years old.

This is her first real relationship.  She’s dated some boys before, but this one has lasted through five months, two dances, Christmas and spring break, and it was a big deal to her. He also told her that he loved her; she has never been in love before.  All of her friends told her it was the “real and forever” kind of love. She had the classic teenage complaints about her parents.  She felt like the idea that she was in love would be silly to them.  She always felt like they never truly understood her.


This is not the first heart-to-heart we’ve had.  She has been in our living room a number of times, and she has always come to us when she needed direction. Her relationship with her parents was good and they had always encouraged her to come to us, her youth pastors, for spiritual advice. But when she sat down, I knew this one was going to be different.  She had never been this serious about a boy before.  We had met him when he’d come with her to youth group activities and over to the house when the kids hung out.  He was a nice guy but didn’t connect with her deep spiritual beliefs.  He said he was a Christian and went to church, but never really had much else to say on the subject.


As she sat there, I could tell she was nervous.  I could tell that she had something weighing heavily on her heart, but she was dancing around the subject.  In my straight-to-the-point, no-time-for-games, loving way, I asked her, “What is really going on? Why did you want to talk to us?” She was used to this type of conversation from us; the kids actually seemed to appreciate when we talked to them like adults.


“He wants me to…” She paused slightly. “Sleep with him.” Her head dropped and she stared at her feet in silence.
“Ok?” I probed, breaking the silence. “What do you think about that?”


Her head popped up, wide eyes full of surprise. She looked like no one had ever asked her that question before, like she hadn’t expected it. She began to tell us what her friends were saying, and that everyone was doing it, and that if she didn’t do it, she was worried he would dump her.  Some of her friends had lost their virginity and they kept telling her how great it was.  This went on for a few minutes.  Then I asked her the question again, “That’s what your friends think, but what do you think?”


She paused. “I know that God designed sex for marriage. I know that there is so much more connected to it than what my friends say. I know I have always wanted to save myself for marriage, but I’m so confused. He says he loves me and that the only way to show him how much I love him is to sleep with him.  But sex is such a big deal!”


She reviewed all the things that her parents had taught her and what we had said about how God designed sex for marriage and how beautiful it was in that context. She told us about the consequences of sex before marriage, STD’s and pregnancy– all the answers she thought were right.  “I am still so confused!” she said with exasperation, bursting into tears.


I leaned in toward her and asked one question — four simple words. Four simple words that would change her life for the next 8 years:

“What is God saying?”



I am 17 years old.

It’s been two months since he broke up with me. Two months since I told him that I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. Two months since he tried to pressure me into sex. Two months since he said, “If you really love me, you will sleep with me. Waiting till marriage is so old fashioned.  Everyone is doing it. It’s what teenagers do!” Two months since I heard the voice of God so deep in my heart say, “Wait. I have so much more for you.”

These two months have not been fun for me.  “Not fun” is an understatement. He said he loved me, but I saw quickly how conditional that love was. After our huge fight, where he called me a lot of horrible names and told me I owed him, he stopped talking to me. Just like that, it was over. It’s amazing that someone can say that they love you and then when you don’t do what they want, how quickly that “love” goes away. The next day his friends began to share with me what they thought of my choice. I never knew how creative high school boys could be with words and gestures. If I hear the word “prude” one more time, I might go crazy.


My friends haven’t been much better. I really have uncovered the meaning of true friendship.  Some were there to dry my tears as I went through the break up, some just stopped talking to me after I made my choice. Some joined in with the name-calling.  I think the girls are worse than the boys. Usually, I can go into the girls locker room to escape what the guys are saying, but that doesn’t stop my old friends once I’m in there.  Most of the time, it’s said in whispers or behind my back, but it cuts deep. Those that wanted me to do it in the first place seem to be the ones that left the quickest.


My birthday is today.  My best friend is still around and is still supportive. Tonight we are going to see a movie and go out to eat with my family.  The hardest part is how lonely I feel.  Two months ago, I thought that I would be spending this day with him. Two months ago, I thought that I would be spending all my birthdays with him. After all, as my “friends” said, love is forever.


So no, these last two months have not been easy.  They have sucked, actually. But I don’t regret my choice.  I know that day, when I sat in my youth pastor’s living room, I heard God.  I heard that He has a plan for me and that I should wait.  Every day since then I keep asking Him the same question: “Did I make the right choice?” That is when His love fills me and He reminds me to wait, because He has so much more for me.


She is 24 years old.

From the caller ID, I can tell it’s her.  I still have the silly contact picture we took of her when she graduated from high school.  The one with her tongue sticking out of her mouth, silly string on top of her grad hat and life in her eyes.  She calls me from the other side of the country.  She has graduated from college and has begun to follow her calling, her destiny.


She’s no longer the unsure teen who sat on my couch; she’s now a young woman, vibrant and in love, calling me to talk about wedding plans.  She has asked that my husband perform the ceremony.  She is giddy and talking a million miles an hour.  But I sense there is something deeper lingering, something reminiscent of all the times she came to us for direction throughout the years.


“Three months until I’m married!  I am so excited!” she squeals.  We discuss the place where the wedding is being held. She met her fiancé in college, at her church.  He shares the same values and beliefs she does.  He actually grew up in a small town only thirty minutes from us, so the wedding will be here, at our church.  She always wanted it that way.


As her excitement winds down, what she really called to talk about comes to the surface. “We are struggling,” she says, finally.


“What do you mean, ‘you’re struggling’?” I ask.


“We are so close to the wedding, but honestly it’s so hard to… you know….” her voice trails off. I’m sure her eyes have fallen to her feet and her face is flushed; some things never change. She and her fiancé are both virgins.  He had victory in his purity all through high school and college as well, though his frat brothers hadn’t made it easy.


“Ok? So tell me what’s going on.”


“Well, we both know that God wants us to be together. It’s just that knowing that, it’s so hard to wait. It’s hardest when we are alone and…he…he is just such a good kisser!”


I have to admit, I laugh at that.


“Both of you made an agreement when you started dating, one where you asked us and your current pastors to keep you accountable. Has something changed?” I ask.


“No, that’s why I am calling you. How do we do this?  How do we keep ourselves off each other?” she asks, obviously very frustrated. I stifle a laugh.


We begin to discuss the boundaries they had set for themselves; what’s okay and what’s not okay to do.  Then, I ask her some hard questions.  Where were they when they found themselves in these situations? Had they gone too far? How far is too far for them?  They hadn’t had sex, but they had gotten close and it was usually when they are alone in his or her apartment. We explore that a little further as well.


“Well, I guess we shouldn’t be alone in each others apartments anymore,” she concluded with a sigh. “It’s just so hard!”


Then I asked her that same question that I had asked eight years ago:


“What is God saying?”


Three months later, she walked down the aisle to meet her soon-to-be husband in the whitest of white wedding dress. They had won the battle! They had made it! She had been through it all. She had lost boyfriends, friends and her popularity, but she had made it and no one was going to take that away from her. God truly had so much more for her!


– Johanna Wilson, Volunteer


The Invisible Effects of Sex Before Marriage?


What are some of the effects of sex before marriage?



We know what you’re probably expecting from an article like this– Yes, sex before marriage can lead to unplanned pregnancy. Yes, it can lead to sexually transmitted infections. Yes, it can increase the risk of identity issues, depression, and broken relationships. But, there’s so much more to talk about than that, particularly some of the invisible effects of sex.

First let’s start by understanding this: we can’t stop our bodies from doing what they were created to do. What were they created to do? Bond. We were created to connect with another human being in such a way that we would become one unit, together, for life.

Why does this happen?
Because our hormones cause us to glue, so-to-speak, with our partner. No amount of consent or informed decision making can change that. There’s a bonding that occurs that supersedes a mere skin-to-skin connection. Scientifically, we know that sex engages us hormonally, neurologically, psychologically; it forms intense bonds mentally, emotionally, and physically, especially when we do it over and over again.1

How does this happen?
Quite simply, any kind of sexual activity that takes place releases chemicals in our brains. For women, it is primarily the hormone oxytocin, and for men it is vasopressin. Oxytocin allows a woman to bond to the most significant people in her life. It eases stress, creating feelings of calm and closeness, which leads to increased trust. It also causes her to want to nurture and protect the one she’s bonded to. Vasopressin is very similar to oxytocin, except that it is primarily released in the brain of men. This hormone causes a man to bond to a woman during intimate contact. Some call it the “commitment hormone” or “monogamy molecule”. This hormone generates a desire for commitment and rouses loyalty. It inspires a protective sense over one’s mate, and can create a “jealous” tendency.2 There is a third set of hormones called endorphins released during sexual activities, and they affect both genders. Endorphins are what we call happy hormones. They are highly addictive and cause us to want to experience the rush again and again and again.
What makes things even more interesting is that these hormones are  values-neutral.3 Whether it’s a one-time encounter or a lifelong commitment, we bond the same way. It also crystallizes these emotional memories in our minds, making these encounters and experiences difficult to forget.

Now, in a marriage, these hormones are extremely motivating and helpful. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that some days marriage would get hard. He knew we would need some help choosing each other day after day, over and over again. He knew that some days we wouldn’t like our spouse very much. We would argue. Bills would come in. Babies would get sick. In-laws would come to town. Emergencies would happen. Stress would overshadow the relationship. So, He installed an over-ride system (hormones) that would cause us to stick together through thick and thin, in good times and bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. It would cause us to feel devoted, loyal, possessive, and willing to endure trials to keep what belongs to us. What an intelligent Designer we have.

So, what happens when we have multiple sexual partners?
Scientifically, we know this: As we bond and break, bond and break, bond and break, we lose our ability to properly bond.4 When we’re ready for that new, serious relationship or marriage, something is missing that prevents us from fully bonding; we don’t feel that connected or committed. Our feelings may seem to diminish. When we see someone else a little more exciting, more appealing, more perfect for us, we’re ready to move on in a heartbeat. The condition of being “crazy in love” suddenly disappears. We may say we don’t feel all that excited anymore. We may even lose faith in falling in love again.
This is why it is important to protect our purity; spirit, soul, and body. We must understand that ability to be pure and save ourselves is not just a religious ideal. It’s not just about giving your valuable v-card to someone. That’s not the point. The point is to keep our stickiness intact so that when we find the right person, we connect with them for life.


*For more information, check out Hooked: New Science On How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by McIlhaney and Bush.

1. McIlhaney, Joe S., and Freda McKissic Bush. Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2008. Print. 45.

2. Ibid., 41-42
3. Ibid., 33
4. Ibid., 43

Real Love Satisfies

When I look back on my life, I see that when I was in relationship with someone, I was focused on how much could I get, and how much would they give. After I took all I could out of them, I got bored with my partners, but I would stay with them out of guilt. I said I was staying because I loved them, but my love was conditional on how much they gave me sex, attention, or sacrifice, and how much they didn’t inconvenience me. I would go out my way for them and fight for them, but only if I was getting what I wanted in return—sex and other things.

After allowing God to reveal real love to me—real *unconditional* love—I have been unable to think of myself. It is no longer about how I can get something from someone; it’s all about my partner and how great I can make her, how amazing can she be, how can I help her achieve her goals. It’s about laying down my life and dreams to fulfill hers, and *letting* her do the same for me. It’s about dying to myself, and together raising each other up.

I have learned that love means “not doing” as much as it does “doing.” If you can maintain your sex drive toward women, and then toward the woman of your dreams, not sexualizing them for your emotional and momentary gain before marriage, then you will be able to give her anything and everything. You will be able to focus all your love towards her. Sex is not love. Sex outside of love says “satisfy me,” where as sex in marriage is an expression of love that says, “Let me satisfy you and your needs.”

Parker, 25, California, US

Finding Our Story Again


God creates a man and a woman in His own image, places them together in a wild garden, and blesses them to enjoy forever the goodness of His creation.  Adam sings and Eve dances into his arms.  Within the blessing and delight of God, they enjoy naked-in-the-garden sex.  Two become one in every way possible — touching and kissing and frolicking and tasting.  Yep.  Profoundly, in all of this, they are ‘naked and without shame’.  Can you imagine living in a world without shame?  It was never God’s intention to bring shame to sex.  In the garden, when God had the world exactly the way He created it and desired it to be, this man and woman were naked and without shame.  Naked.  No shame.  No comparing and no pretending.  No living up to someone else’s standard of beauty.  No lust, no fantasy, no objectifying, no pornography.  No pressure to be someone else; to be thinner, darker, taller, sexier.  Adam and Eve are beautifully naked, with nothing to hide and nothing to prove.  Bodies are enough and reality is enough.  Created in the beautiful and breathtaking image of God, they have found their value and worth in simply being children of God.  And it was good.

Yet somewhere along the way, we lost our Story We lost our way.  We compromised the real thing for an empty imitation.  Sex cheapened to a weekend event, a Friday night fling, flesh on flesh, an orgasm, before we’re off to the next thing. Millions of women are starving themselves daily to live up to some insane, plastic Barbie Doll image of beauty. Husbands are so addicted to online pornography that their flesh and blood wives are no longer attractive to them.  43 percent of today’s college students will have had at least five sexual partners before graduating college.  Not to mention the average middle-aged man will have more than twenty sexual partners in his lifetime.  Tragically, for every one hundred hours that the average teenager spends absorbing shallow and perverted images of sex and love from today’s pop-culture, they will spend one second learning about true intimacy and God’s design for love, sex, and marriage. 

Although God has designed us for love and intimacy, our sex-obsessed and Hollywood-shaped culture has ripped sex out of marriage and, in doing so, ripped marriage out of covenant.  Richard Foster writes, “One of the real tragedies in Christian history has been the divorce of sexuality from spirituality.”  The sacred goodness of sexual purity has been hijacked by the world and, in many ways, shamed by the church.  Neither of which have produced a healthy culture of sexuality.

Let’s be honest.  We’ve wandered far from the garden and even further from our Story.

And yet, we’re finding that across the earth, many of us are waking up to ‘who we are’ and, more profoundly, ‘whose we are’.  Discovering once again the image, the blessing, the delight, and the design of God for sexuality, we are experiencing a deeper joy, a stronger grace, and the most fulfilling love.  Is it possible for a generation to once again experience the promise and presence of God in and for sexuality?  Could it be that if God is in everything good, that God might actually reveal Himself through the profoundly breathtaking act of sex, too?  It’s not that we don’t think about sex (the average man thinks about sex every twenty seconds), it’s that we don’t think deeply enough about sex.

Sex is so much more than two people fumbling around beneath the sheets.  It’s about something deeper.  It’s about a story. And we’re finding it again.

Pt. 3: The White Knuckle Approach To Purity


In case you missed part 1 and part 2 of this series, let’s do a quick recap:

At Moral Revolution we’ve come to find that there are three main environments in which we learn about sex. We call them the silent environment, the saturated environment, and the conflicted environment. Why is this important? Well, before we can grow in truth and freedom in our sexuality, we need to see where we’ve come from.

As the Bible puts it, we build knowledge line upon line, and precept upon precept. This means that we’ll stack new knowledge on top of our current understanding and hope it sticks. If we’re honest, most of us, in one way or another, have some shaky foundations when it comes to our sexuality. We need to expose and let go of cracked, slanted, or unstable sexual foundations if we’re going to be able to become a society of sexually stable, healthy, free individuals, couples, and families.

In parts 1 and 2 we discussed the silent environment and the saturated environment. In this blog we’re going to talk about the conflicted environment– the one most often seen in contemporary church cultures.

Imagine a bedroom door that swings open and closed. You get a glimpse of something — an idea, an experience — but before you can figure out what’s going on, the door closes. We see this happen a lot in the church. We’re told, “Once you’re married, you get full access to whatever is behind there. However, before that day comes, you shouldn’t even want to look inside. If you do, for shame! Shame on you for even wanting to know what’s inside of there, you little pervert.”

Then, once you’re married, the door swings wide open and the message changes to, “It’s going to be amazing! Once you get through that door, it will be unbelievable. Euphoric. You’re not just marrying a person, you’re marrying a sex slave. They’re going to do everything you’ve ever imagined. Buckle up, baby, it’s going to be the ride of your life! Don’t worry — you’ll know what to do once you get there.”

“But hey, you’re not married yet. You just stay pure and don’t look in there because God forbid you get a glimpse of something you can’t have, lest you succumb to temptation.”

In this environment, we may feel like we’re living a double life. We want to be pure, but we peek through the door because we have thoughts, desires, and hair growing in new places. We’re being drawn by a natural curiosity about ourselves and others. We feel shame, and yet the desire to know more is insatiable. As we white-knuckle it to our wedding night, we begin to dream up and cling to unrealistic expectations about what sex will be. Unfortunately, while the “hope” we have for sex may help us stay pure in the waiting, it can lead us into unforeseeable disappointment and pain if we’re not careful.

“Although it’s beautiful to have the desire to “follow the rules” and be pure, it’s not enough. We must know why we want and need this in order to be healthy and live purely. The white-knuckle approach to purity may control behaviors, but it can’t resolve a heart condition or change a belief system.” – The Naked Truth About Sexuality

The conflict classically arises when we get married and walk through the door, only to realize that sex does not start as a magical, euphoric experience. We are taken aback, confused. We are hurt that it wasn’t everything we were told it would be. Sometimes there is even shame involved, particularly for women, who have to make a sudden transition from sex being bad or forbidden to good and expected.

As you can see, this environment, even with its celebration of virginity and married-sex, doesn’t fully translate the reality of sex. Sex is a language, not just an experience of pleasure. We learn to give and take within this secret world where a private connection is taking place; our bodies and souls are building memories, creating bonds and being knit together. All of this takes time to grow into — not just sex itself, but yourself and your spouse: body, soul, and spirit. It is a life-long learning adventure, not of a series of one night stands.

In this conflicted environment, the kind of inner monologue we hear is, “I’m just going to try to do what I’m supposed to do, and hopefully I don’t mess it all up.” How many of us have heard something similar to this in the church? “Do it this way. Why? Because it’s the right way.” Our response to this teaching is, “I want to be pure because I need to be pure.”

Although it’s beautiful to have that desire, it’s not enough. We must know why we want and need this in order to be healthy and live purely.

The white-knuckle approach to purity may control behaviors, but it can’t resolve a heart condition or change a belief system.

Striving starts when we operate out of rules without understanding the love and purpose behind them. When we pursue any ideal outside of love, we will never produce fruit that remains. This is why so many of us just want to pray away our sex drives and escape the growing process altogether; it’s too hard to try to do it on our own.

When God gave you your sex drive, He had a plan. He knew that it would take self-control and patience to manage. He knew it would require you to grow in all of the other fruits of the Spirit as well — love for yourself, joy and peace in the waiting, kindness toward yourself and others, good choices, and faithfulness as you trust in Him. He knew that you wouldn’t be able to do it without His help. And He said it was good.

In giving you your sex drive, God had a plan to grow you up, both in maturity and relationship with Him. Because He started this good work in you, He will be faithful to see it completed. He is not going to leave you until you figure out how to be perfect. He is going to teach you how to steward your sex drive in a way that honors Him as well as the person you will eventually commit to for the rest of your life. No matter how hard you pray for it to leave, He won’t take your sex drive away; it was a gift!

So, what are we supposed to do about it? My suggestion is to open the door and look in. Not with shame, not with the guilt that comes when we feel we’re perverted, but taking a healthy glimpse inside for the sake of understanding. Find safe, wise people to dialogue with- ask your questions. Find godly resources and learn. God opened the door long ago and it was the church that shut it, not Him.

Regardless of which environment you may have come from, this is the truth: God always wanted to show us exactly what sex was meant to be. He wanted us to know the power in it. He wanted us to be fully aware, fully alive, and fully connected within ourselves and with our spouse without regret, shame, or pain. Whether you’re starting your journey for the first time today, or continuing to build a legacy that will change your family forever, we bless you. Together we can break the silence, silence the shame, and gain a pure, godly, unadulterated understanding of the naked truth about sexuality.


*Keeping It Hidden Doesn’t Make It Pure (Part 1)
*Overthinking A Simple Encounter (Part 2)
* Resource: The Naked Truth About Sexuality


Pt. 2: Overthinking A Simple Encounter


In the first part of this series, we discovered that sex may not be what we think it is. Or at least, we might not be thinking about it in a healthy way. So many of us are looking for freedom and empowerment in our sexuality, but are getting hung up on what we already believe to be true about sex.

Why focus on what we already believe instead of going right to the facts? Well, I can share with you new ideas, theology, and scientific statistics until you’re blue in the face, but if you’re already indoctrinated, you’ve already made up your mind on the matter. Chances are that you won’t be able to fully hear what I have to say because you’re hearing it through the filter of what you know or what you’ve experienced.

Though some of us grew up in a healthy environment when it came to sex, many more of us (sadly) didn’t.

We all need to take an honest look at where we’ve come from if we’re going to get where we need to go in the area of our sexuality.


As I mentioned in Part 1 of this series, there are three main environments in which we learn about sex. We call them the silent environment, the saturated environment, and the conflicted environment. In part 1 of this series we discussed the silent environment. In this blog we’re going to survey the saturated environment – the one we see the most in our contemporary culture.

In this scenario, imagine a bedroom door that is completely open — almost as if there’s no door at all. Everything is accessible, nothing is hidden, and there’s no indication that there’s anything sacred or special happening in that open room. Those around you talk about sex through crude jokes, watch explicit movies with sex scenes, and have casual, overt sexual relationships. If this was your home environment, you probably can’t remember having a deep or intentional sex talk. Why would you need to? It was just everywhere. Sex was, simply put, a part of life. You learned that it’s okay to view sex as nothing more than a casual physical experience. Anything more is over-thinking a simple encounter.

Many who came from this environment don’t understand why sex is such a big deal to other people: “What’s so sacred about it? I don’t think there’s any kind of spirit or soul connection to the act itself. It’s just a way of connecting on a physical level and showing someone you ‘love’ them. Right?”

Without a door to the bedroom, everyone in the house can see every detail of what’s going on. Sex loses its mystery; its sacredness. It becomes casual and familiar, something we throw in with our everyday activities. In fact, everyone becomes so familiar with sex that they think, “What more is there to learn? I already know it all. I’ve seen it, been around it, had my own experiences. What else do I need to know?”

This is where the deception occurs in this over-saturated environment. Since it’s everywhere, we are comfortable with it. No shame, no blame, no guilt. All good. Or is it?

The world paints this picture so clearly, doesn’t it? We turn on the TV and watch sitcoms that celebrate one-night stands and “friends with benefits,” suggesting that this is just a part of life. So what? You get naked, you fool around. It doesn’t matter. It’s your body, so you can do whatever you want with it as long as everyone is consenting. I made no commitment to you, you made no commitment to me. What’s the big deal?

When we live out of these misguided beliefs, we are violating our nature and design. We believe that we are powerful individuals, choosing how to use our bodies. However, we can’t stop our bodies from doing what they were created to do, and, consequently, many of us think there’s something wrong with us. For example, the lingering feelings toward someone that you can’t get over — feelings of jealousy, a sense of ownership, feeling bonded — throw us for a loop. We think we should be able to have an encounter and walk away. We feel that we should be able to give away the most precious part of ourselves without any commitment, and then just move on with life.

There is a generation on the earth today that believes they should be able to walk away from a sexual encounter (or romantic relationship) without it affecting them at all. The truth is that we were built to bond for a lifetime, not separate after each encounter. We’ve made something sacred into something casual; something holistic into something basic. Is this the result of an over-saturated culture?

We must understand one thing: the saturated environment is not a healthy environment when it comes to learning about sex. Experience doesn’t lead us to freedom, wisdom does. Making something an everyday part of life may allow us to become more comfortable, but it will not give us the full picture of what God designed. It won’t give us what we require for a healthy perspective.

If you were raised in this environment, give yourself a chance to explore how your spirit and soul are touched by sexual activity. We hope that you’ll have a greater understanding of yourself, and that it will bring real freedom and light into your life.