My Spouse is Addicted to Porn ... Help!
QUESTION
How do I move forward in my marriage? I have been married for 23 years and there has always been a third in our lives: porn! Any way he can get it, he would, and the Internet has opened up the biggest hurt. When he gets caught he is sorry, but I've reached breaking point.
SEX THERAPIST'S ANSWER
Being married to someone who struggles with porn is so painful - I am so sorry that this has been your experience for 23 years! But let me tell you, there is hope!
The best thing you can do to move forward in your marriage is to be in a group yourself that is for partners of sex addicts. I am not saying that your husband is a sex addict because I don't know him, but the tools that you will learn there and the support you will receive will be helpful to you regardless.
Many wives think, "Why do I need to be in a group when it is his problem?" That is understandable. But as you unfortunately know, his problem really has affected you. And you have been affected for a really long time.
What we are finding out is that spouses of sex addicts frequently have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) just like the soldiers coming home from a war zone. The spouse has been traumatized and needs to get help to heal. The checking behaviors and hypervigilance that we used to label codependence we now are seeing as related to trauma and feeling unsafe - when the trauma is dealt with, those behaviors stop. So for many years, spouses felt like they got either overlooked and all the focus was on the addict or they got blamed as having their own addiction and were co-addicts.
Getting help for yourself will get you in a place of strength where you are more empowered to make good decisions for yourself and for your marriage. You are the only one that you can change - if you could have changed your husband, I'm betting you would have done that long ago!
So really the only thing you can do is to work on yourself and getting yourself in a place of strength. If there is not a group in your area for spouses of sex addicts, then join an online one. There are multiple ones available. I would also suggest a couple of books:
Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser
Mending a Shattered Heart by Carnes
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Steffens and Means
There are many others out there but these are the ones I usually recommend first. I pray that your husband will get the help he needs to get well. But whatever happens, you can do what you need to do to help yourself move forward.
It is not easy but it is so worth it!
