A Man With a Plan

WORTH WAITING FOR


Before I knew my wife, I had a couple of serious relationships. Since I was a child, I knew I would not give away my virginity to anyone except my wife, so that part of purity was never in question for me. Unfortunately, there were other things I did because I didn’t really have a plan. I thought, “Well, I just won’t have sex,” but just having that boundary ended up not being enough. With those relationships I did things physically and emotionally that I’m not proud of, and gave a part of myself away that I will never get back.


“I learned that no matter how strong I thought I was, I still needed a plan.”


By the time I met my wife, I had learned that no matter how “strong” I thought I was, I still needed to have a plan for how I was going to be responsible with myself. Early in our relationship we made some clear boundaries to protect each other. The most important, and most helpful, boundary was that we would not kiss on the lips until we got married. Making this decision was not just out of our pure will — we prayed and both felt the Lord give us the grace to do it. It allowed our emotional relationship to build and become strong without the physical part becoming a distraction.


“…it allowed our emotional relationship to build without the physical part becoming a distraction.”


I found myself falling more and more in love with my wife every day. I truly found myself in love with who she was and not just excited about the newness of a relationship. There were times when I really wanted to kiss her, but I knew that it would be so worth the wait. I’m so thankful we did, because on our wedding day when we kissed for the first time, I felt like I won the best prize ever. My wife.

Sal, 29, California


The Joy of Becoming a Dad

THE FEARLESS FATHER


There was a time that I had little value for life, especially the life of a baby or a child. I thought abortion was no big deal and I didn’t care if I ever became a father. The thought of me being a father and having someone’s life in my hands scared me.

One day God spoke to me and said, “You don’t like who you are. You don’t think you have anything to offer a child.”

I didn’t have to think about this long because I knew it was true. I never liked who I thought I was, and I struggled with drugs, alcohol and sex-addictive behaviors in my not-so-distant past. My identity was based on my sin, not on who God said I am. So I went after truth. I started embracing the role of spiritual father, though I still wasn’t sure I had what it took to become a father of my own child — until I had an amazing encounter during worship one night.


“My identity was based on my sin, not on who God said I am.”


I was laid out on the pulpit and all the children in the church came up and sat around me even sat on my lap. In that moment, God spoke to me and said, “You are ready to be a father, not just a spiritual father.” I immediately received my role as a father into my heart. Less than two weeks later, my wife got pregnant. As I watched my little baby grow inside her, my father-heart started to explode. I started to understand for the first time the value of life and how I was made to protect it. Now that I’ve watched my little girl grow inside my wife, abortion takes on a whole new meaning. It was very clear to me that life began the day of conception and that’s the day I became a father.

– Jason, 37, Indiana


Top Dating FAQ’s

LET’S TALK ABOUT DATING

In a society where one-night stands are the norm, and relationships are regarded as disposable, how should we approach dating? Is it normal? Is it healthy? Keep reading to find answers to our most frequently asked questions about dating.


 WHAT IS DATING? WHAT IS COURTING?

Moral Revolution would give courting and dating the same definition. Oftentimes, men and women choose to date without giving any thought to marriage, and this is where we see people make messes. In their eyes, dating is done solely for recreation and with no thought for future consequences.

We, however, suggest that dating is a stage that couples explore on their road to marriage. (These stages include friendship, dating, engagement and marriage.) In this second stage, couples intentionally spend time together to get to know each other and test compatibility. This can happen in group settings or one-on-one interactions.

WHAT DOES HEALTHY DATING LOOK LIKE?

Healthy dating looks like a healthy man and a healthy woman figuring out if they want to put a bow on their friendship, called marriage. In short, a dating relationship can’t be healthy unless both parties are healthy. By healthy, we mean both parties know who they are, have worked out their past baggage, have been walking in purity, are known in community and live a full life.

In this phase of the relationship, these two people focus on learning about each other and enjoying each other in such a way that if they did not continue on to engagement, they could end their relationship in an honoring and safe way.

Dating should consist of lots of fun, clear communication, building trust, conflict resolution, and sharing of each other’s worlds including home life, family upbringing, core beliefs, work ethic, character, and life goals and ambitions.

We do not recommend that you talk about all these things on the first date. We do not recommend that you try to figure out if he/she is “the one” on the first date. There is no set time frame for how long couples should stay in the dating stage. Our advice would be, take your time, you’re not in a hurry. Don’t try to fast-forward the process.

Try to think about dating as a time of discovery.

 

HOW DO I KNOW IF HE OR SHE IS “THE ONE”?
DOES GOD PREORDAIN RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE OR ARE WE FREE TO CHOOSE OUR SPOUSE?

The idea of two people being preordained for each other is Biblical and can be accurate. It can be revealed to them through a prophecy, dream, etc., specifically identifying whom they should marry. If this happens, both parties in the relationship need to receive a word from God for themselves. Once both parties receive a word, they should share it with their leaders, mentors, spiritual parents, friends, etc., and get feedback so that they are not isolated with this directional word. Isolation is no one’s friend and has caused many people a lot of heartache.

Moral Revolution believes that for the majority of people, any man could make a marriage work with any woman (and vice versa), however, there are some couples that are more compatible (based on strengths, personality, culture, life calling, etc.) than others. Either way, it is important to keep in mind that marriage is a continual pursuit of your partner. We believe that someone “becomes the one” when you marry them. Your decision to love them, make commitment and make covenant for the rest of your life is powerful and important decision. God honors the covenants that you make. However, it’s still your choice to make and God would never force anyone to do something they did not want to do.

To conclude, the question of “the one” can go either way. It can work for certain people but for the majority of the 7 billion people on the planet, it comes down to choice. Even though God is sovereign He has given us each a free will to choose and who we marry is a powerful decision that affects every area of our life. So I would say choose wisely, get counsel, pray, and know who you are and what you need/want in life and in a life partner.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M READY TO DATE?

God gave us an opportunity to use dating as a time to explore ourselves as well as other people. It’s important to realize that if we’re not a full person, we’re not going to attract one. If you’re looking for someone to complete you, make you happy, solve your problems of loneliness and pain, then you’re probably not ready to date anyone. Only God can truly fulfill those areas. We all have a spot in us designed for God and God alone (sometimes referred to as the God Spot). Yes, we are meant to be in community and meant to be in relationship with others but if you’re relying on people too much for fulfillment, you may have put others in your God spot. This can lead into codependent behavior, manipulation, depression, anxiety, etc. as it’s impossible for them to consistently meet all of your needs. Make sure God is where He should be first before you seek intimacy with others. Remember, dating is about learning to give, not just receiving. If you feel confident that you’re going to God first to satisfy many of your needs, you’re ready to get out there and start pursuing healthy relationships.

DOES AGE REALLY MATTER?

There aren’t any hard and fast rules around age limit and dating. We just want to be careful if there’s a huge divide in maturity and life experience. The question isn’t really if it is right or wrong, but if it is healthy. It used to be the norm for an older man to be with a younger woman. But in our culture, that has changed.

What we typically think when we see a younger woman with an older man is that she either wants the security that an older man gives her, or she has father issues and wants a father. Both of these scenarios are intimacy avoidance – they keep you from having real intimacy. However, this does not have to be the case – there are very healthy relationships where the man is older and the woman is younger. The same could be true for a younger man paired with an older woman.

It would be good to know why you are attracted to someone much older or younger than you. Is it that you truly love the person and they happen to be the age they are? Or are you avoiding intimacy? Are you trying to live out a fantasy? Are you trying to fill a void of parental love and affection? Rather than looking at rules, you need to understand why you are attracted to older (or younger) men or women. Be completely honest with yourself. It could be perfectly healthy and you could have a long term wonderful relationship.

HOW FAR IS TOO FAR? WHERE IS THE LINE?

Moral Revolution believes that God put an internal line in each of us, that tells us what is/is not appropriate regarding our sexual choices. No one can draw your “line” for you; it is determined by what turns you on, and what your personal convictions are. Though the Bible does not explicitly describe what kind of physical behaviors are acceptable before marriage, it does give us wisdom. Song of Solomon 2:7  warns us not to “stir up a love (don’t excite your body, don’t go there), until the time is right and you can see it through.”

There’s nothing more tortuous than getting all hot and bothered and having to strain against your entire being, the way you were designed, and stop what you desperately want to follow through to completion. This is why our one concrete suggestion is that you learn what your point of arousal is, and save it for your wedding night.

Many people try to push the envelope and go as far as they can, physically, without having sex. We would suggest that if purity, holiness, and honoring yourself, your future husband, your marriage, and God with your body, soul, and spirit is something you have decided to do, then it seems like you would want to do whatever it takes to protect that decision. Playing the “how far is too far card” is like playing with fire.

One last thought: When it comes to defining “the line” in your relationship, whoever has the most sensitive boundaries in the relationship is the one who defines what happens. For example, if one of you is comfortable with kissing, and the other isn’t, then kissing is not permitted in your relationship. Be sensitive to one another and protect each other as you choose your physical boundaries.

WE’VE GONE TOO FAR (PHYSICALLY OR SEXUALLY).
HOW DO WE GET BACK ON TRACK?

The first step is to repent, and truly make a heart transition. You can say that you want to stop and change, but until there is godly sorrow in you, your repentance will not bear fruit. Next, you must evaluate your vision and core values. You both need to get on the same page; what do you want your relationship to look like? If one person wants to abstain from sex while the other doesn’t, it’s going to be difficult to respect each other’s boundaries and fight for the vision that you have.

If you want to abstain from sex because you think it’s “the right thing to do” but don’t know why, you probably won’t have much motivation to abstain. You need to be deeply committed to protecting yourself and your significant other. You need know your value and know who you are in God. Know that you were made to be loved, treasured and adored, and that real covenant is worth the fight. Believe that you are worth waiting for. Believe that you have something to offer someone other than your body. Make sure you align with your significant other in the area of core values and if you don’t, take some time to reflect on the vision you have for your future marriage or relationship.

Start establishing healthy and appropriate boundaries. Be real with one another. If you can’t be alone together without things getting too intimate, it’s time to start hanging out in groups or in public places. Be honest with what works and what doesn’t. If you consistently keep pushing things too far, bring in some accountability so that people can help you both get on track. When you have people rooting for you who believe in your relationship, it can be the motivation you need to make wise choices and say no. Remember that there’s no shame or guilt here and we all make messes. The question is, how are you going to clean up that mess?

WHAT ARE SOME HEALTHY WAYS TO CREATE TRUST, INTIMACY AND CONNECTION IN A DATING RELATIONSHIP?

While it is normal to want to use our bodies to bond, it is important to have a healthy connection outside of a physical relationship. Having a highly sexual relationship with someone dominates your ability to build trust and connection naturally and healthily, and makes it difficult to really see that person clearly.

Healthy of connection is built over time through various experiences with the person you are dating. Intentionally experience them in different environments; what are they like at church compared to home? With their family compared to their friends? You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them; you’ll see if they are stable, mature, integrous or trustworthy.

While many people feel that their strongest attachment to their boyfriend or girlfriend is their physical relationship, talking, having fun and doing everyday things together are the best ways to build an intimate connection and trust. Take risks with each other to share what you are afraid of, what hurts you, what you’ve been through. Allow them to really see you, and respond. When another human responds to you with deep understanding and compassion, connection is inevitable. Share your needs with one another, and take care of each other. Learn each other’s love languages and start  “speaking them” to each other. Practice communicating. Learn to apologize and make things right.  Learn how to keep each other safe; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Don’t push each other’s boundaries (physically or emotionally), but instead, be kind to one another and be patient. If you practice these things, you’ll be well on your way to a vibrant, safe, intimate relationship.

HOW CAN I PRACTICE HEALTHY PHYSICAL AFFECTION WITH THE PERSON I’M DATING WITHOUT TIPPING INTO LUST?

Physical affection is one of our basic, human needs. It is also one of the ways God created us to bond with another person, so it is natural that we want to be physically affectionate with the person we are dating. The best way to make sure that your physical affection is lust-free is to honor the boundaries you two have decided on. What turns them/you on? Avoid doing anything that will push their emotions too high. You don’t need to refrain from all things. For example, you’d be surprised how far a back rub or cuddle goes for someone whose love language is physical touch. Be honest with your intentions; if you feel yourself trying to take, rather than give, you may be listening to lust.

If your significant other’s needs seem insatiable, they most likely have a different need that must be met. Once we get our spiritual and emotional needs met, our physical needs tend to quiet down. This may seem unlikely, but it’s absolutely true.  Know this one thing: you are not responsible to meet all their needs. They must get what they need, spirit, soul and body, from a variety of sources.

Challenge one another to keep your thought life clean and pure by teaching yourself to think of other things whenever an “out of bounds” thought pops into your head. Do other activities together, rather than sit alone in your house watching a movie. Get outside, go for a bike ride together, go mini golfing, etc. and connect on different levels while remaining active.

WHEN IS IT AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO SHARE MY SEXUAL HISTORY WITH THE PERSON I’M DATING?
HOW DO I DO THAT WELL?

One thing you shouldn’t ask or do: “Tell me everything and all of your sexual history.” Asking questions or divulging too much too soon can sometimes not help satisfy curiosity and wondering. First thing, don’t drudge through their baggage or load too much of your own onto their back. Ask the person what they want to know because not everyone wants to know everything in your past.

With that said, if you want to develop emotional intimacy, trust and connection with someone, sharing your struggles and history is a way to build that. If you’re not ready to take your relationship further then think about which stories you can share that aren’t emotionally vulnerable for you to do so. For example, if I used to struggle with pornography but I don’t anymore, I could share that with someone so that they can get to know me and my past without the possibility of pain and feelings of rejection if they don’t respond well. If I’m currently struggling with pornography and it’s a sore spot for me, I might only want to share that with someone until I’ve developed trust and connection with them. If they don’t respond well, I might want to take a step back and establish some new boundaries when it comes to what I’m sharing. The key is this: don’t allow your level of emotional intimacy to exceed someone’s commitment to you or the commitment you’re willing to make. Emotional intimacy is powerful and sharing past and current struggles will accelerate that bonding process.


Freedom from Porn

Isolation Never Helped Anyone


Like a family relative you keep locked in the basement, porn was only let out when no one was home. 


Growing up poor as the chunky pastor’s daughter in a very liberal, small town set me up for failure pretty early on. I loved people, but had very low self-esteem and no Christian friends to gain strength from. Isolated and lacking vision for my life, I sought refuge from pain.

The first time I saw porn was in the third grade. I was exposed to this crippling vice, which took years to conquer, through a friend who later grew up to have a million kids, all with different baby daddies. As I grew up, different emotions and needs would trigger my need for porn: comfort, adventure, education, control, risk. Porn could supply it—or so I thought. Like a family relative you keep locked in the basement, porn was only let out when no one was home. I hid it and hid it well. It wasn’t until my twenties that God revealed His desire to bring me out of this destructive pattern, which only led to loneliness and shame.

The first step in getting help was allowing God into every area I had kept hidden. Letting God hear your pain and accepting His love is an ongoing process. You need to become transparent and intimate in a healthy way with healthy people. Bring things into the light with those who have conquered these issues as well. It takes a huge amount of risk, and you’re not going to feel like doing it, but I promise there is freedom from the isolation you’re in. Face the pain, and it will lessen in time. On the other side are genuine, transparent relationships that God has intended for you all along. Resolve in your heart that you will no longer be passive when it comes to sexual content of any kind: movies, commercials, Internet, etc. There are resources available if you look for them. No one can do this for you, but God is all for you.

— Liz 33, North Carolina 

 


Top Pornography FAQ’s

WHAT ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY?

Pornography, the new drug of our time, affects nearly every household in the western world. If you’re looking for information on pornography, including why it’s so prevalent and pervasive, you’ve come to the right place. Keep reading to find answers to the most frequently asked questions about pornography.


 WHAT IS PORNOGRAPHY?

Pornography is the visual portrayal of sexual activity (by actors and actresses) for the purpose of sexual stimulation, usually through the forms of video or pictures.

WHY DO PEOPLE LOOK AT PORNOGRAPHY?

There are many reasons why people choose to look at porn. Some common examples include, but are not limited to: curiosity, boredom, comfort, a need to feel powerful, peer pressure, needs for intimacy, escape, fantasy indulgence, needing to feel, coping and self-medication and sexual arousal and masturbation.

HOW COMMON IS PORNOGRAPHY USE?

With the launch of the internet and with increasing popularity of smartphones, porn has now become a 5 billion dollar world wide industry. 7 out of 10 men and 5 out of 10 women view porn regularly; this statistic is true in and outside of the church. Sex is the number 1 topic searched on the internet.

IS IT NORMAL THAT I WANT TO LOOK AT PORNOGRAPHY?

According to our sex therapist, “It is very normal to find pornography enticing and interesting as God has given us all a sex drive. Most guys and many girls have some issues around dealing with pornography because of the nature of how enticing it is and how available it is. So, in that respect you are very normal. It just means that you are a sexual being. It is not okay to look at pornography, but it is normal that you are interested.”

IS PORNOGRAPHY USE HARMFUL?

There are many statistically noted harmful effects of pornography. Listed below are some, but not all, of the destructive consequences of porn use:

addiction, isolation, increased aggression, distorted beliefs and perceptions about relationships and sexuality, negative feelings about themselves, and neglecting other areas of their lives.

These negative consequences often carry over into other aspects of their lives, especially family and couple (married) relationships.

Within a couple’s intimate relationship, pornography can have negative impacts in the following ways:

User faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography.
User loses interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with partner.
Partner may view pornography use as infidelity and a betrayal to the relationship.
Partner feels sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use.
Partner may feel that certain sexual activities desired by user are objectionable.
Both user and partner experience a decrease in relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness.
Relationship trust decreases due to dishonesty and deception about pornography use.
One or both partners may be concerned about children’s exposure to pornographic materials.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY? HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE A PROBLEM?

To be addicted means that one is physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects. If you find you are involved in compulsive engagement and are unable to stop, you are most likely addicted to pornography.

HOW DO PEOPLE GET ADDICTED TO PORN? HOW DO PEOPLE BREAK FREE?

Great question! We’re so glad you asked!

What we have seen at Moral Revolution is that most oftentimes, people get stuck in cycles of addiction without even knowing it. People do not wake up and decide to be addicted to porn. There is always a reason or a trigger or an unmet need that causes someone to initially seek porn out. What people do not understand is that they are not in control of the chemicals released in their body when engaging in sexual activity. (Yes, using porn is engaging in sexual activity.) These chemicals cause you to not only feel pleasure, comfort, loyalty and belonging, they cause you to bond to whatever you orgasm to. Furthermore, these chemicals are incredibly addicting and stir you to repeat the activity. Some of these brain chemicals are as addictive as crack cocaine. This is why those struggling with a porn addiction may feel strangely loyal to their habit while hating and feeling trapped by it. But, we have great news for you- freedom is absolutely possible!

Here are some practical suggestions to get you started:

Ask for help: tell someone you trust, seek out accountability, join a purity group.
Seek out healthy resources: books, blogs, teachings, podcasts.
Do a spiritual detox: listen to worship music, read your Bible and memorize scripture
Get in community: surround yourself with great people who will help meet your relational needs
Be wise: have a plan for your free time, avoid things/places/people/music/movies that would tempt you, get rid of the data on your phone, use a program like Covenant Eyes on your computer, leave your computer in a common area at night.
Take care of yourself: get yourself on a healthy sleeping schedule, eat the right foods, drink enough water, exercise
Schedule fun into your life.

And lastly, be kind to yourself! You’ve never been here before, and you are climbing a huge mountain…but it’s going to be worth it. God is with you!

If you feel you need more than the above, please prayerfully consider seeking out a professional counselor in your area.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M FREE FROM A PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION?

The amount of time you abstain from looking at pornography and masturbating is definitely not the only indicator of freedom from your addiction. We think that freedom and power go hand in hand. For us, free people are in charge of their choices and make decisions from their convictions. Free people have the ability to say “no” when tempted. Free people know how to say “yes” to the right things and “no” to the wrong things.

Oftentimes, people go through stages as they walk toward their freedom. First, a person must recognize they are addicted. Second, they begin practicing sobriety (abstaining from porn usage). Then finally, they wake up one morning and realize that they are no longer stuck in an addictive cycle. Practically, this looks like your “yes” to the right things getting bigger and bigger each day, until porn use is no longer an option for you. Breaking any addiction is going to take you applying your will, keeping your vision in front of you, inviting other people into your process, staying vulnerable, and asking for help.

Being free, doesn’t mean that you are no longer tempted. It means that you know how to handle the temptation and you are aware you have power over it. You are not a victim to your temptation any more.

I’VE STOPPED USING PORN, BUT I’M STARTING TO DESIRE IT AGAIN. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

The real question you need to be asking is, “Why am I desiring porn again?” If you’ve already abstained for a time, or found a measure of freedom, your desire probably means that you have a need and porn feels like a solution.

Ask yourself: What emotion am I feeling? Why am I being triggered? Why am I trying to return to old habits? Why do I feel powerless against my current challenge, that I would need to self medicate? Have I shut down my imagination? Am I feeling stressed? Am I bored? What am I truly longing for?

Finding your “why” is the key to getting your power back. Once you know what you need (excitement, adventure, comfort, intimacy, relief, passion, creativity, etc.) you’ll be on your way again.

IS IT OKAY TO USE PORNOGRAPHY AS PART OF THE SEX LIFE BETWEEN CONSENTING SPOUSES?

We do not recommend it. Marriage is between a man and a woman. The Bible is very clear that anything outside of that is adultery, including what happens in the mind. Using pornography in a marriage is like inviting another person(s) into your bed. It is clearly unbiblical and a breach of the marriage covenant.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY?

The word “pornography” has it’s root in the greek word pornos. This word is used in
Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage is to be held in honour among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled: for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” The root word for “fornicators” is pornos. Therefore, pornography is rooted in fornication. This explains Matthew 5:27-28 (MSG): “You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.  But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices – they also corrupt.”

The good news is, forgiveness and restoration are abundantly available. God has already made every provision for freedom accessible through Jesus. All we have to do is ask.

DOES GOD HATE ME BECAUSE I USE PORNOGRAPHY?

The reason why God is vehemently against pornography is because he knows what it will cost you and what is a stake if you indulge in it. He knows that it’s going to hurt you, rob you and harm your future. God doesn’t hate you. He hates what sin does to you. God poured out all of his wrath on Jesus. God satisfied his need to have sin taken care of through the cross. He is no longer mad. God’s not looking for a sacrifice any more. He’s looking for your surrender.

Your sin and your struggle do not surprise God. There is absolutely hope for you, so don’t let the enemy lie to you and keep you isolated and hiding in shame. God is a good father and he loves you. He is waiting with open arms to walk you into wholeness.

HOW DO YOU HEAL AND RESTORE A MARRIAGE WHEN THERE HAS BEEN PORNOGRAPHY USE OR ADDICTION?

Our sex therapist writes: “I would encourage you to talk to someone who can help you formulate a discussion with your spouse about what you want to see happen and who can provide wise counsel and support for you through the process. Then, either join a group for spouses of sex addicts – even if your spouse is not an addict, there would be similarities that would help you – and/or get therapy yourself. It does not have to be someone who understands sexual disorders but that would be great if you could find someone like that. Working on yourself is the only thing that you can change and keeps you from feeling powerless. This will help you heal and get stronger so that you will be able to make decisions about your relationship and your life from an empowered place.”

MY BOYFRIEND HAS A PORN ADDICTION. WHAT SHOULD I DO? HOW SHOULD I PROCEED? SHOULD I PROCEED?

In regards to dating someone with a porn addiction we cannot tell you what to do. Only you can decide that for yourself. However, we would highly recommend that you consider if this is something that you want to live with. You cannot change him or heal him or fight his battle. He needs help. He needs a covering from a spiritual dad or mentor or close friend who will help love on him and pull him out of this. But he has to want out and needs to seek help. This does not just go away. He should be connected to a small group or support group and work through how and why he keeps returning to this.

There are deeply rooted issues in men and women that view porn. Porn has a crazy wild draw that will lure you in and keep you trapped. When viewing porn, it is an escape and it is easy, free, accessible and you can keep all your secrets in the dark. People are able to have intimacy with no commitment, heart connection, effort or risk rejection. He needs help.

As for you, you’ll have to decide how you want to proceed in this relationship. We personally would not recommend that you continue to expose yourself to devastation and pain, if he is not pursuing his healing. You two are only dating. You are not engaged. You are not married. We also would not recommend getting engaged to someone with a porn addiction, who is not actively seeking help and on their way toward wholeness, if not already there. There are many things at risk with trust, heart connection, intimacy, healing, etc. that you would not want to carry into your marriage.

I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH PORNOGRAPHY.
WHEN AND HOW IS A GOOD TIME TO TELL MY FUTURE WIFE?

Our sex therapist writes:

”I personally think that if you are dating someone who you see as potentially being your future partner, then the sooner you communicate your past and choose to be vulnerable, the better. Lack of communication and honesty can definitely damage a relationship and is actually a common cause of divorce. However, the first few months of getting to know someone, in my opinion, should be in a group setting where you can find out enough about them to know if you want to consider dating or not. Your past struggles should definitely not be talked about at this point. Let’s say you start dating after 3 months of hanging out in a group, for example; a good time frame to communicate your past struggles might be within those next few months, after you’ve made the decision to date exclusively. It probably wouldn’t be fair for her to find out 6-12 months in as by this point it would be something you are hiding from her. Your past is your past and you can’t change that, you can only model where you are going by your vulnerability and openness with her.

I think there is such honor and privilege in being able to create a safe environment of trust and authenticity in a relationship. Once you have set the standard it allows the other person to feel safe and be open and real. It can, however, be a lot harder for guys to share experiences that may reveal weakness, as pride can sometimes stand in the way. It is a choice to be vulnerable and I think most girls would agree that honesty and vulnerability are way more important than your history. Where you are going is a lot more important than where you have been.”

WHAT IS BDSM? WHY AM I ATTRACTED TO VIOLENT PORN? HOW CAN I GET HEALING?

BDSM includes a number of violent sexual activities that play on the desire to control or be controlled, releasing a sense of power. BDSM is commonly practiced through bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. It is depicted in violent pornography.

A curiosity or desire for BDSM may be an indicator of deeper needs that need addressing. It is not uncommon for a trauma survivor to turn to violent porn to reenact the trauma that happened to them. According to our sex therapist, “they do that because they are unconsciously trying to desensitize themselves to the sexual violence that happened to them in hopes the pain will go away or they watch hoping for a different ending than the one they experienced. Unfortunately, it can dull the pain momentarily, but it causes more problems in the long run. It does even more damage than what was done to them initially. Watching porn is an attempt to cope with the trauma, so in a sense it is a coping skill – but it is an ineffective and ultimately more damaging coping skill.”

“Part of healing for a trauma survivor is learning new ways of coping that are redemptive and empowering. I would strongly encourage you to see someone who can help you begin to heal from what has happened to you. Having someone who can walk alongside you is really invaluable.”

In other cases, violent porn may be attractive to those who are no longer turned on by regular porn and are looking for a higher high and/or greater rush.


Top LGBT FAQ’s

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT LGBT?

There are a million and one questions about what it means to be Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. Homosexual is a commonly used word in reference to any of these, but it doesn’t stop there. Is it a sin? Is it okay? Does God make us like this? With less than 3% of the US population identifying as LGBT, we still want to make sure that we understand the basics of what God, science and the body is saying about this subject.


 WHAT DOES LGBT MEAN?

LGBT is an acronym that stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender. Homosexual is another word commonly associated with LGBT. The Oxford English Dictionary defines these words as follows:

Lesbian: [noun] a female who is sexually attracted to females
Gay: [noun] of a homosexual person. Although most commonly used to described males, this can either include or exclude lesbians.
Bisexual: [noun] a hermaphrodite, or a person who is sexually attracted to both sexes
Transgender: [noun] a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender, but combines or moves between these
Homosexual: [adjective] involving or related to, or characterized by a sexual propensity for one’s own sex; of or involving sexual activity with a member of one’s own sex, or between individuals of the same sex

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION IDENTIFIES AS LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, OR TRANSGENDER?

A 2012 Gallup poll reported that 3.4% of the adult, American population answered “yes” when asked if they identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. Interestingly, this same survey revealed that the average American believes that 1 in 4 individuals identify as gay or lesbian, when in reality, this number is closer to 4 in 100.

I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE SAY, “I WAS BORN GAY.”
IS THERE ANY SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THIS STATEMENT? 

According to the American Psychological Association there is not agreement among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a particular sexual orientation or gender identity or expression. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors.

Source: American Sexual Health Association

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT HOMOSEXUAL ACTS?

In Romans 1, the Bible describes homosexual acts as being impure, unnatural, contrary to nature, and an act that dishonors the human body.

“God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to their dishonorable passions.  For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.” – Romans 1:24-27

SOMETIMES I STRUGGLE WITH SSA (SAME SEX ATTRACTION).
IS THAT A SIN?

No, being sexually attracted to the same sex is not a sin.  However, when you choose to act on that attraction and start practicing homosexual acts, that however, is a sin according to Romans 1 (see above).  In short, being tempted is not a sin … it’s what you do when you are tempted that you are accountable for.  Do not let your temptation define you!

I AM NOT GAY, BUT SOMETIMES WHEN I GET CLOSE WITH A FRIEND OF THE SAME SEX I START DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR THEM AND START GETTING OVERLY ATTACHED.
WHY IS THIS? HOW CAN I CHANGE MY RESPONSE?

First, you are not doing anything wrong.  Second, the fact that you recognize these feelings and want to change your response is a great sign!  Third, it sounds like what you are describing is sexualitzation of intimacy.  This occurs when an individual begins to feel close to someone, and the way he or she makes sense of that closeness is to make it sexual even if the other party is the same sex. If an individual has trained themselves to associate intimacy with sex it can be difficult to tell the difference between feelings of closeness/intimacy and feelings of sexual attraction/intimacy.

Our advice to you would be to begin to notice your body and the sensations that you feel when you are attracted to someone versus what you feel when you feel connected or close to someone. Notice the difference. If they feel alike, then you will need to learn to recognize when you feel it, tell yourself that it is not sexual, and do nothing until you can separate the two.

IS IT A SIN TO BE IN A HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP IF IT IS A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP?

Scripture clearly tells us that homosexual acts are a sin, so yes, the practice of homosexual acts in or outside of a committed, monogamous relationship are still considered sin.

WHAT ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE?

Over 6,000 years ago, God laid out His perfect blueprint for marriage in the Garden of Eden when He joined Adam and Eve together and said in Genesis 2, “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  It was here that God bestowed upon Eve the title of wife and clearly established marriage as being between a man and a woman.  Additionally, for over a century, the Oxford Dictionary has defined marriage as the legally or formally recognized union of a man and a woman as partners in a relationship.

It was not until recently, that the US court systems began passing legislation that redefined marriage so that same sex couples could legally and financially benefit from the marriage title.  We, as an organization, believe that God is the creator and founder of marriage, therefore, He is the one who defines it, not the US court system.

IN MY PAST, I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH SAME-SEX ATTRACTION, BUT WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE ONE DAY. SHOULD I TELL MY FUTURE SPOUSE ABOUT MY SAME-SEX STRUGGLES? WHEN? HOW?

Yes, we think you should tell your future spouse.  Honesty is always the best policy.  It will build trust and give you peace on your wedding day knowing that he or she knows it all and has still chosen you.  It is all part of a beautiful, scary thing called vulnerability … and vulnerability requires courage.

As to when? There is no one perfect answer for every couple.  We’d say, pray about it, ask your leaders/pastors, and go with your peace.  Probably somewhere between “exclusively dating” and “engagement.”

As to how? We’d say gently, calmly, and respectfully.  Your future spouse does not need to know every detail but they do need to know your past struggles, how you got free, and how long you’ve been walking in freedom.

WHAT IS A HERMAPHRODITE?
HOW CAN THEY HAVE A NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

There is a good review article on this from the National Institutes of Health listed below. What you are asking about breaks down into several categories: ambiguous genitalia, where outer genitals are not clearly male or female; pseudohermaphroditism, where the genitals are of one gender but with the child having some physical features of the other gender; true hermaphrodism, where the baby can have both male and female genitals (exceedingly rare); mixed gonadal dysgenesis, where some male structures and some female structures exist (testicles plus vagina and uterus, for example); congenital adrenal hyperplasia, the most common form of which causes a genetically female baby to look male; chromosomal abnormalities like Klinefelter’s syndrome (XXY) and Turner’s syndrome (XO); and a male embryo developing a female body type due to a mother taking steroids, a mother not producing certain hormones, or the embryo lacking testosterone receptors.

A baby’s genetic sex is created at conception. Normally, the mother contributes an X chromosome (women are XX), and the father (men are XY) determines the sex by delivering either a Y chromosome (resulting in a genetic male) or an X chromosome (resulting in a genetic female). All the sexual organs of either gender come from the same tissue in an embryo, and the chemical and hormonal processes that carry out sexual development can sometimes be derailed. These birth defects are rarely lethal, but they obviously pose a significant problem.

What can be done? Medical specialists of several types will be involved in the care of the baby or child. Treatment can include medicines, hormones, and surgery, among other options. Though historically it was considered easier to treat and raise the child as a female even if the chromosomes showed a genetic male, easy treatment did not guarantee problem-free results. Y chromosomes are not to be ignored.

How can people with sexual/reproductive organ birth defects fit into this world? Quite well, particularly if the problems are diagnosed and treated early. They can and do have normal and healthy relationships. As for people judging them, few would know about the problem or how it was treated, or have reason to. A spouse-to-be should know, both on the basis of openness and the frequent reality that infertility would exist. That’s where good pastoral and professional counseling would be helpful.

But what of the theology? God doesn’t make mistakes, but we do and worse – we sin and have since Adam and Eve, and that bore consequences such as birth and genetic defects, which were not part of God’s original intention for us, but a result of the fall. Still, God loves us tremendously, and such conditions are not a mark of judgment against people. We are all made in the “imago Dei,” or image of God, though for each of us the image is tarnished to one degree or another. Whatever the defect, God loves us deeply and has a great plan for our lives.

 


My Porn Petition

Being Real About Pornography


I fasted and prayed for twelve years that somehow the Lord would keep me from looking at porn. I wanted Him to keep me from being tempted. That didnt’ happen. I would have taken some kind of weird “I’m-stuck-to-the-floor-and-can’t-move-to-look-at-porn-no-matter-how-much-I-want-to-but-know-I-shouldn’t-and-I-would-if-I-could-but-I’m-stuck-to-the-floor” experience, something against my will. That didn’t happen either. I didn’t get an impartation of holiness or a magical verse that took my sexual struggle away. I was the most spiritual person that I knew and I couldn’t quit sinning, no matter how immediate and sincere my repentance was, or how noble and pure my intentions were toward everyone around me.


I didn’t get an impartation of holiness or a magical verse that took my sexual struggle away.


One month before I turned twenty-three, I found myself in a unique situation: I was sober enough to see that I was stuck, and, despite my pretensions, with and answers. I felt like my years of confused petitioning of the Lord culminated into the next season of my life. The Lord superseded my healing with His leading. I made myself a part of a group of guys who were seriously finding their purity and their freedom. They didn’t do much that I thought they should, like pray and intercede. They just talked to each other. It was unbelievably uncomfortable. For the first six months, all i could talk about was how bad I messed up and the dirty things i was thinking. For the next six months, I talked about how I was afraid and how I’d been hurt. After that, I started getting more powerful: I told people “no” when I wanted to say “no”. I’d tell people when they hurt my feelings, and when I had a need that they could meet. And after three years of that, I’m somebody that I never thought I could be: someone in control of their emotions and sexuality. My sobriety is measured in months and years now instead of days or weeks, and my freedom is being measured in powerful decisions that I am learning to make

Scott 26, Kentucky 


Top Sex FAQs

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

What is sex? Some of us have a straight-forward understanding when it comes to this subject, whereas others of us have some blurred lines that need clarity. In an over-sexualized society, it seems to be the most intriguing, confusing and liberating topic. Every day we are bombarded with sex and sexuality, but what do we do with the hormones, the awkward questions, the boundaries, the desires, the temptations? Apparently men think about sex 70% of the time, two-third of college students have “friends with benefits” relationships, and still many of us are wondering where the line of purity stands. Here are some of your top questions answered to help bring clarity and understanding of yourself and others.


 WHAT IS SEX?

When people talk about sex they are usually referring to sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is any sexual contact between individuals involving penetration (the insertion of a man’s penis into a woman’s vagina). Additionally, there are other sexual acts that are also referred to as “sex”. For example, anal sex (the penetration of the anus), oral sex (penetration the of the genitals with the mouth), and fingering (sexual penetration with the fingers).

WHY DOES GOD GIVE US A SEX DRIVE?

God gave us all a sex drive, ultimately, so we would desire to have sex and procreate. God’s initial commandment to Adam and Eve was to “go forth and multiply”. He gave each of us a need to known and be known physically, emotionally and spiritually. Like all desires, there comes a responsibility to steward this gift and use it wisely. Sex has the ability to bond two people together spirit, soul, and body. This is why God designed sex to be experienced fully in the safety and covenant of marriage.

IS ORAL SEX OKAY IN A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP?

According to our sex therapist: “There is nothing in the Scripture that says that oral sex is wrong. Some make a case that Song of Songs 2:3 and Song of Songs 4:16 are implying oral sex when it talks about eating the fruit of the garden. I do believe it is talking about sex but I am not convinced it is talking specifically about oral sex. So we need to look at what we do know in order to make a wise decision. Sex is about connecting/oneness, pleasure and creating new life. In this frame I would say that oral sex is fine as long as the people involved are married and

OK with it themselves. I do not want anyone to force a partner to do something that they are truly opposed to – that goes against any true bonding and isn’t loving. There is such freedom in sexual expression in marriage – that is one of the fun things about sex in marriage! You can have fun and delight in your spouse’s body. There can be mutual pleasuring, which can include oral sex. If you have had teaching in your church or family that said that oral sex was ungodly, then I would want you to make up your own mind and to be open to looking at what the Bible really says about sex.

But if you come down on the side of oral sex being wrong, then it would be wrong for you. Be open to freedom, but don’t push yourself past any personal conviction you feel. You can have a wonderful fulfilling sex life without it. But in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with oral sex in marriage.”

IS ANAL SEX OKAY IN A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP?

According to our doctor: “Anal sex is not permitted in scripture due to order, hygiene, and purpose. The anal canal is for waste expulsion. Whatever pleasure sensors exist there make defecation tolerable rather than painful. It’s not ordered as a sex organ, but a disposal unit. It is the down staircase, not the up. The hygiene issue is obvious: a vessel for excrement passage is not suitable for penile insertion, thus anal sex carries with it much higher rates of causing infections and spreading disease.”

According to our sex therapist: “Anal sex is more common than many people think. But it is an unsafe practice in my opinion. Many people have the impression that anal sex is safer because you cannot get pregnant. But it is not safer, it is actually riskier.The risk of getting an infection is greatly increased with anal sex due to tiny tears that can be in the tissue of the rectum or anus making you more susceptible to the transmission of infection. Any sexually transmitted disease can be transmitted through anal sex. It is possible for someone to get pregnant even with anal sex, if sperm are released outside the vaginal opening and make their way to the fallopian tubes. I do not think it promotes intimacy and connection and believe it is best avoided.”

WHAT IS A NORMAL FREQUENCY FOR MARRIED COUPLES TO HAVE SEX?

There is no normal. What each couple is happy with is normal for them. However, there are averages. Depending on the study, the average married couple in the US is having sex 1-2 times per week. For those concerned with how much is “enough” for your spouse, here’s an important triusm to think about: “If you can’t say no, you can’t really say yes.” It’s okay to say “no” if you don’t want to have sex — this will enable you to say “yes” when you really mean it. “Duty sex” or anything under obligation is not fun for anyone. Most husbands will tell you that’s not what they want — they want your “yes”, your enjoyment and your sincerity. Now, if you are saying “no” all of the time, then that’s a different issue. However, saying “no” isn’t going against the Bible; your wishes and desires matter, too. You might even find that you are saying “yes” more often when you discover the reasons why you don’t want to and resolve them in a healthy way with your spouse.

SEX HAS BECOME BORING IN MARRIAGE.
IS IT OKAY TO SPICE IT UP?

According to our sex therapist: “It depends on what you mean by ‘spice it up.’ Sex should be playful and fun. That is part of the delight of being sexual. Loss of inhibition, vulnerability and laughter are all a wonderful part of sex. But sex is always about connecting and oneness. So anything spicy that doesn’t meet that criteria needs to be left alone. That said, most couples need to learn to be creative sexually and give themselves permission to have more fun. Permission granted!”

IS SEXTING WRONG TO DO BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND? WHAT IF IT MAKES THEM FEEL CLOSER OR MORE CONNECTED?

First of all, if you’re reading this and you don’t know what sexting is, let me give you quick definition. Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages, primarily through cell phones. It’s a common practice among teenagers and is becoming more common among adults.

One of the logistical problems with sending nude pictures of yourself is that you lose control of the picture the minute you send it — it can be copied, posted or misappropriated once it has been sent. Be aware that those photos can come back to haunt you later on (such as if you’re trying to get a job or applying for a scholarship) if the recipient abuses that information given. Depending on who is receiving them, also be aware that in some states, having underage nude photos can be perceived as child porn, and you can be prosecuted. Simply put, it’s just not wise to send nude photos on the internet or through cell phones.

Sexting a boyfriend or girlfriend is not going to make them feel closer or more connected. It actually can do the opposite. Sexting separates the person from their body and makes them just a body. The desirable method would simply be face-t0-face interaction, or talking on the phone. If you are thinking that you feel more connected because of sexting, then you may be confusing intimacy with sexual behavior. You want to get to know someone as a whole person and sending naked pictures or sexting will interfere with knowing who he/she is. Sexting separates the person (the soul) from the body and we were made to be known at deeper levels.

Sexting only has one purpose: to sexually stimulate the people involved. If you are trying to remain pure, then this is not a wise thing to do. I hear people say that it’s not a big deal, and that it’s okay because it’s not having sex. Let me ask you a question: If your girlfriend sent those pictures to some other guy, would you be OK with it? Why or why not? There is a reason why the wives of a well-known Congressman and a professional football player were upset over the sexting that their husbands were doing with other women. They felt betrayed as if their husbands had been cheating. It is not having physical sex but it is very close. It is sexual behavior that might as well be sex without touching. It crosses a line of intimacy that should be for a husband and wife. So for many reasons, I don’t think sexting or sending naked pictures between a boyfriend and girlfriend is a good or wise thing to do.

AS A CHILD I REPEATEDLY PLAYED DOCTOR.
WAS IT SIN? AM I REQUIRED TO DO SOMETHING?

According to our sex therapist: “Playing doctor is a universal, innocent expression of sexual curiosity that is normal. It is normal for children to be sexually curious and to play, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” This curiosity signals to parents a need for specific sexual education and boundaries with doors open, and parents nearby. Sexual curiosity is natural. As children we should never have been punished or embarrassed for showing our curiosity. It is natural to ask questions about sex and to discover our own bodies, as well as observe other’s bodies and have questions about them. So to answer your question, No, it wasn’t sin.”

WHY IS SEX SOMETIMES PAINFUL FOR A WOMAN? WHAT CAN SHE (WE) DO ABOUT IT?

According to our doctor: “Painful intercourse, or dyspareunia, can have many causes other than just vaginal tightness, and the physician can perform a detailed history and careful physical exam to sort things out. A gynecologist can get you set up with a dilation program to comfortably stretch out the vagina, if that turns out to be the main issue. In the mean time, using ample water-based lubricants (e.g., K-Y Jelly), pre-dosing with anti-inflammatory drugs (e.g., Ibuprofen, naproxen, etc.), gentle but plentiful foreplay, great communication, and lots of patience will help.”


Top Masturbation FAQ’s

 THE M-WORD

 

The topic of masturbation is often regarded as either “perfectly normal and healthy” or “dirty and taboo.” Moral Revolution believes that masturbation is a subject we must talk about with honesty and respect. In this section we start the conversation and answer some of your most frequently asked questions about the m-word.


 WHAT IS MASTURBATION?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines masturbation as erotic stimulation, especially of one’s own genital organs resulting in orgasm. Oftentimes, individuals choose to masturbate by manual stimulation, instrumental manipulation (toys), sexual fantasies (pornography and/or past sexual experiences), or by various combinations of these agencies.

CAN MASTURBATING MAKE MY PENIS LARGER?

According to our doctor, “As for masturbation making a penis larger, it is not going to happen. Conversely, not masturbating will have no negative effects on penis size either. Masturbation doesn’t make a penis bigger, not masturbating doesn’t make a penis smaller. Young men are often concerned about penis length, but should not be. Erections have been called the great equalizer, since their average length is about 5 inches in most men. Even at smaller erection sizes, a man can generally still sexually satisfy his wife. The point is that the odds are overwhelming that you’ve already got what it takes, so to speak, and masturbating will not add to it.”

IF I MASTURBATE, AM I NO LONGER A VIRGIN?

According to our doctor, “A person is considered to be a virgin until they have sexual intercourse. That is called primary virginity. Secondary virginity refers to choosing to abstain from intercourse after having already had it. You are still a virgin if you have masturbated.

I specified “sexual intercourse” because there are other uses of the term virgin, such as, someone who has yet to do one thing or another for the first time. With that in mind, one could say one is no longer a masturbation virgin after having masturbated, but that is not the clear and time-honored understanding of virginity.

WHY IS IT, WHEN I MASTURBATE, THAT IT BRINGS ME SO MUCH SHAME?
IS THAT COMMON?

According to our sex therapist, “That is a great question! You are definitely not alone in feeling shame when you masturbate – it is very common. I congratulate you for going beyond asking, “Is it right or wrong?”, to asking, “What is causing me to feel shame?” That is the real issue.

Unfortunately, I believe there is a lot of shame around sexual issues for believers, due to misunderstanding, fear and wrong teaching. It is false shame. Sexual arousal is a good thing. Sexual desire is a good thing. Your sex drive is a good thing. Being a sexual being is a good thing. It is what you do with it – how you manage it – that is important.

A couple of observations to help you sort this out – with Christians, I see more shame around masturbation, more anger and condemnation, than I do about sex outside of marriage. Telling people to not have sex outside of marriage is clearly in Scripture, but masturbation is not. So why is that?

In addition, let’s say you believe that masturbation is wrong for you, that it is something that you do not want to do. Why the intense shame? Isn’t it more of a behavior that you want to stop, rather than an indication that you are a perverted person? But many describe the shame associated with masturbation as feeling perverted. Historically we have taught that the shame was proof that the behavior was wrong. I would ask you to think about whether that is true.

Maybe masturbation is a behavior that you do not want to do – that is for you to decide. Here are some questions to ask ourselves about shame:

What do you think is going on?
What response to God does shame cause in you?
Do you run to Him or hide?
Do you love Him more or does it cause you to be afraid of Him at some level?
Does it separate you from God?

We have said in the past, that “Yes, it has separated us from God, because it was sin.” But is that really the case or is it because there is something else going on? Being a sexual being is such a part of who we are, our identity. It is such a part of being made in the image of God. So we know ourselves and we know Him more intimately through our sexuality. If the enemy can cause shame and disconnect here, at that deep personhood level, then he can lay roadblocks to knowing and experiencing the love of God and the freedom and power that understanding and revelation can bring.

I believe that shame carries a spirit with it and would encourage you to not entertain it at all. No matter what your past is with masturbation, get rid of the shame. Shame is not from the Lord.”

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT MASTURBATION?

The simple answer comes down to this: the actual word masturbation cannot be found anywhere in the Bible. We know that there is reference to it, but it is not explicitly mentioned.

IS MASTURBATION A SIN?

Because the Bible is silent regarding masturbation we, as a team, cannot call masturbation a sin. However, because masturbation is so often coupled with lust – pornography, sexual fantasy – all of which the Bible is very clear are sin we strongly advise to stay away from anything that might tempt you to lust.  James 1:14-15 keeps us sober to where lust leads, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.

IS MASTURBATING TO THE FANTASY OF MY FUTURE SPOUSE A SIN?

Yes, fantasizing about having sex with someone you are not married to, even if it is your future spouse, would be lustful, making it sinful and wrong. In addition, it would be objectifying that person since you would be using him to satisfy yourself sexually. There is no relationship. We tend to understand that men are objectifying women when they look at pictures of women and fantasize about them sexually. But women are doing the same thing to men when they use them in fantasies during masturbation. Fantasies like this also are idealized in that they are not real life. The imagined encounter is perfect and all about the one having the fantasy, instead of the give and take of actual relationship. It can interfere with real relationships, because there is an expectation and pairing of sexual response with something that is not real.

I’M A PARENT WHO HAS DISCOVERED THAT MY CHILD IS MASTURBATING OFTEN. ANY ADVICE?

According to our sex therapist, “Unfortunately this is more common than most parents realize. Teenager’s brains have not finished maturing yet. The prefrontal cortex is the part that develops last and that is the part that says, “That’s not a good idea, don’t do that!” And this is going on at a time that hormones are raging!

The best advice that I can give you is to keep the lines of communication open by being nonjudgmental and calm. Listen more than you talk, and ask questions to try to understand your son’s heart. What are his thoughts about sex and purity? Even if you do not agree, you can accept his answers by saying something like, ” That does not sound like the healthiest decision, but I can understand why you might think that.” Give him facts, alternatives to the decisions he is making, but send the message that you believe he is able to make responsible decisions–even if you are terrified about the things he is saying!

Talk with him about his vision of the kind of man he wants to be. Then come along side him and help him make a plan to reach his own goal. It is his plan and you are just a consultant. Let him come up with solutions and own his problem. When parents are scared they often come down too hard on their kids and begin to control their behavior. That will not work in the long run. It actually can lead to more rebellion and the very thing you are trying to stop. And kids are masters at recognizing your fear and letting you take responsibility for their problems. You really want your son to know how to make his own responsible decisions. “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” is a great resource. Also Danny Silk’s, “Loving Our Kids on Purpose”.

At the end of the day, as hard and scary as it is, your son needs to know how much he is loved and believed in. And you need that too from your Father – trust Him with those you love and pray and claim his promises for your family.”

IS MASTURBATING WITH YOUR SPOUSE A SIN?

According to our sex therapist, “With any sexual behavior we want to ask the question, ‘Is this behavior helping me be more intimate with my spouse, is it loving?’ So if masturbation with your spouse is a part of being intimate and loving, and you would say yes to that, then I would say it’s fine. If masturbation with your spouse is more of an individual thing where you are not connecting or you are using each other, then I would say it would not be the best choice for that couple.

I AM A TEENAGE GIRL, OBSESSED WITH BOYS, AND I MASTURBATE WHICH AFFECTS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
IS MY PASSION FOR BOYS NORMAL? ALSO, HOW CAN I STOP MASTURBATING?

According to our sex therapist, “It is normal for a 16 year old girl to feel passionate about boys! You have a sex drive and that is God given. You just have to manage it and not have it manage you. You say that masturbation is affecting your relationship with God. I just want to remind you how much God loves you and nothing you can do will change that. Masturbation is a behavior, a behavior that you might be wanting to stop – but it is not who you are. You might be masturbating and that is against your values. If it is, then I would say it would be a good thing to stop. But God loves you no matter what and will help you if you want to stop that behavior. Often when people cross their values, they feel shame and hide from God just like Adam did in the Garden. But it is God who comes looking for you because he loves you and wants to commune with you. He is not disappointed in you or ashamed of you – he is so willing to help you. So go to him and partner with him if there is a behavior you want to stop. And believe what he says about you, that you are dearly loved and accepted – just the way you are. So you can relax and rest in the fact that he delights in you and gave you a sex drive that he wants you to learn to manage. And he will help you as you learn to do that. He really is that good!”


Top Birth Control FAQ’s

WHAT ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL?

 Birth control can be the subject of much dispute among Christians when it comes to sexual health, marriage and family planning, but it doesn’t need to be. It is our desire at Moral Revolution to inform people about healthy sexual lifestyles and practices in order that they would feel empowered in their choices. We’re committed to bringing the facts so that you can make an informed decision. When it comes to this subject, we’ve tried to answer some of your top questions to bring clarity, wisdom and (Biblical) truth.


 WHAT IS BIRTH CONTROL, EXACTLY?

Birth control is simply the practice used by men and women to prevent unwanted pregnancies, typically by use of contraception.

WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMONLY USED METHODS OF BIRTH CONTROL?

The most commonly used methods of birth control are: abstinence, the The Billings Ovulation Method (rhythm method), oral contraceptives (the pill), diaphragms, vaginal rings, and condoms.

WHY USE BIRTH CONTROL?

The number one reason people use birth control is to practice family planning. However, medical studies show that oral contraceptives, containing hormones, have aided women whom suffer from heavy bleeding, painful cramping, ovarian cysts, and acne.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIRTH CONTROL AND ABORTION?

Birth control is the practice of preventing unwanted pregnancies, whereas, abortion is the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy. The goal of birth control is to prevent conception. The goal of abortion is to terminate a pregnancy. Sadly, oftentimes abortion is utilized as a form of birth control, and they are two very different things.

CAN BIRTH CONTROL USE CAUSE AN ABORTION?

Some types of contraceptives may cause an abortion, and we wouldn’t recommend using any form that is abortive in nature. These contraceptives, including IUDs, work both by interfering with the sperm and also by “post-fertilization mechanisms.” That means they prevent the fertilized eggs/zygotes/embryos from implanting in the uterus. Even newer IUDs appear to induce early abortions in some cases.

However, there are forms of birth control that prevent conception. For example, the hormones in “the pill” work by keeping eggs from leaving the ovaries or act as a barrier to the sperm reaching the egg by making cervical mucus thicker. Condoms also prevent the sperm from reaching the egg. In these cases, there is no fertilization and therefore there is no life. It is no different than an egg being released unfertilized during a typical menstrual cycle. Yes, you are taking steps to interfere in the potential fertilization, which is a problem for some, but you are not aborting a life.

It should also be mentioned that women on oral contraceptives, since they have fewer conceptions, actually have a lower rate of miscarriage (spontaneous abortion). Some would argue this is a moral good, in favor of oral contraceptive use.

With all that said, you should not take any form of birth control if you think you might be pregnant.

IS BIRTH CONTROL MORALLY WRONG?

This would depend on your own personal convictions and conscience. Besides talking about it with God and deciding whether or not this would be a suitable choice for yourself and your spouse, talk to your family doctor as well. Many types of birth control aren’t abortifacient (preventing fertilized egg from implanting), but rather keep an egg from being released/fertilized or act as a barrier to the sperm reaching the egg. Since there is no fertilization, there is no life and it is no different than an egg being released unfertilized during the typical menstrual cycle. Yes, you are taking steps to interfere with potential fertilization but you are not aborting a life.

Do we believe it’s morally wrong to use birth control? No. Do we believe that it can lead to the breakdown of families and to other issues of thought? Yes. The main point is that we should consider this an important life decision which requires thought, research, prayer and insight.

There is the question of the intention and effect of artificial contraception as a whole, apart from any abortifacient concern. Though the most famous teachings against it have been by various Popes (Pius XI and John Paul II come to mind), you don’t have to read an entire papal encyclical to get it. Sexual intercourse is meant for husband and wife for purposes of unity and procreation/generation. To abstain for a few days timed to periods of infertility violates nothing, but to bring in artificial means designed to separate the sex act from its purpose is where the problems start, ultimately leading to a demeaned value of life (for example, seeing children as problems and burdens rather than gifts) which negatively carries over to other areas.

WE DON’T WANT TO USE AN ARTIFICIAL OR MEDICALLY PRESCRIBED FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL, BUT WE ALSO DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT RIGHT AWAY. WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS?

Natural family planning is an entirely acceptable method of birth control. The Billings Ovulation Method (BOM) in particular entails monitoring fertility by identifying when your wife is fertile/infertile and during each ovarian/menstrual cycle. The Billings/ cervical mucus method was shown in a 1992 British Journal of Medicine article to be cheap, effective, side-effect free, and reliable with a success rate equivalent to combined oral contraceptive pills.

Click here for more on Natural Family Planning.